@deb922 i know this is a loaded question…but would she need the car…or should she really have it?
If the money is there…I’d let her get the larger apartment…if one is available.
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Oh gosh, this is always tought, but you are right to try and figure out a solution now.
could your Mom be persuaded to move to the smaller apartment “for now” and if it is totally intolerable, hope one of the bigger ones open up?
My mom does better with “if you want A, it has to happen this way”. makes it sound a bit more like an immoveable law of physics and less like children asking for a decision.
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No to either.
She knows that when this car is no longer reliable, she will no longer drive. It’s an old car.
If she moved, my sibling and one of their children will be local. My son lives 1.5 hours away if there’s an emergency. She can take a ride share. I’m sure there is a bus. Lots of options and no reason to drive.
Unfortunately the car is a big issue. My in laws refuse to also stop driving. My fil has some dementia, is highly immobile. My mil told me to just say the word and they will drive 100 miles to my house. There will be no invitation.
Apparently mom wouldn’t even look at the studio that had furniture because she declared the empty one too small.
The one bedroom is huge. $13,200 a year is a lot.
I’m not responsible for poor decisions made decades ago. So I’m sorry she’s in this position but she’s in better shape than many.
Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll pass them on to my sibling
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Can you take the one bedroom now and then perhaps move her into the smaller unit if necessary at a later time? That might be a worthwhile way to get the move to happen in the first instance, and then see how things evolve over time.
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That’s a good option also. I’ll have to ask my sibling.
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That’s a good idea. Maybe once settled she will see how others have setup their studio. Perhaps there can be an armoire or some kind of curtain or trellis to divide the space.
My dad turns 97 this month, still living in his house (with help of a younger wife). So I’m not going to say that nobody makes it living independently to that age. But… there’s a good chance that she will need to transition to a situation with more care down the road. Best wishes as your mom and family sort through the near term options. (And Good Job getting her to consider leaving her friends, not easy.)
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Re: driving, in case it helps. My parents moved 3 hours to be near me and were driven up in their car. Mother had physical limitations preventing her from driving and father had memory loss that was progressing. I saw that learning a new area and taking my mother out in a wheelchair didn’t make sense. We got them up here and soon they were busy enjoying their place. I wanted to go with them to new Drs, dentists, etc, as well as enjoy the possibilities of local to me, fun outings for the first time since I was in high school. I just drove initially since ‘we were going together anyways’. After a few months, I observed that they didn’t seem to need the car (it had not been driven) and they agreed, so we sold it. I was relieved that it could be finessed and they were glad to have the cash. Also, most senior places have a list of vetted local drivers. Much less expensive than car ownership. It can be hard to visualize how things will be in a new environment; I found that easing in to new routines worked most of the time.
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@deb922 , I am definitely in agreement with @LCSMOM. Do what it takes to get her in there now. Mom, they can move you in to the one bedroom, but you have to do it this month (whenever you want her to move). If she’s willing, you gotta strike while the iron is hot! I think there’s a window, where they’re willing to move, and as they get more infirm or greater levels of dementia, it gets harder to convince them to leave. And then you’re in a situation where you might have to do something against her will, quickly. If she says she’ll move and you found a place, that’s 90% of the battle.
Then if she has to move to a studio, at least she’s in a place she likes. Hopefully. And I would talk to the financial advisor and really get a good picture of what she has. Maybe it’s better than expected? Plus, some places will transition you to Medicaid after a certain amount of time if you run out of money.
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My MIL, who turns 97 tomorrow, had to go to the ophthalmologist. She’s been on glaucoma drops for several years. She needed to get her prescription refilled, so she went to a new doctor in the area she moved to. This doctor told her that she does not have glaucoma! She actually has macular degeneration. Seems like a big difference to me (and the new doctor was pretty blunt with her assessment of the old doctor). And her glasses are completely wrong - she didn’t bother telling anyone that she couldn’t see out of them. Yikes!
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@deb922 - we dealt with a lot of your same stuff, but w/my MIL. Many times, it was like DH & I had to go back to the methods we’d use when our kids were toddlers. Here’s a not-related made-up example (but we’ve had almost this exact same argument w/her many many times), but it demonstrates my point:
me/DH: Ok, so on the menu, you can choose between a cheeseburger or chicken fingers.
MIL: I want shrimp.
me/DH: That’s not an option. Not on the menu. Burger or chicken.
MIL: But I want shrimp!
me/DH: Well, not eating IS a choice. Burger, chicken, or nothing.
MIL: BUT I SAID I WANT SHRIMP! Take me somewhere that has shrimp!
me/DH: (1) You never said please; and (2) going somewhere else isn’t an option. Pick from the choices we gave you. Not making a choice IS a choice and if you choose nothing, then the consequences of that are ___. Choose wisely.
MIL: Fine. I really wanted shrimp, but FINE, I’ll have the cheeseburger.
…meal arrives, everybody eats, she forgets about how mad she was that shrimp isn’t on the menu…
MIL: That was such a nice time! We should come here again next time.
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My mom (88) has Wet Macular Degeneration. It’s bad in one eye, and a little present in the other eye. She has excellent insurance that covers everything, so is getting tip-top care.
But her ophthalmologist said the bad eye isn’t likely to get better after all the shots, etc. She also has balance issues and having “wiggly” vision in the one eye makes it worse.
So she relies on her walker and is losing muscle in her legs because of that. I encourage PT/OT to try to build muscle, along with the exercise classes her CCRC offers that she can do.
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My maternal grandfather had glaucoma AND macular degeneration. (My maternal grandmother and my mother both had glaucoma, I’m on eyedrops to keep my eye pressure readings down around 15).
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MIL has a very long history of doing business with people who go to her church. Often, it doesn’t turn out well, and it’s become a standing joke. I asked SIL if her other doctor went to her church … at least we had a laugh today. By the way, MIL refused to get dressed, so she went to the ophthalmologist in her robe and slippers.
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My mom, 90, has been mentioning since December that she thinks she’s losing her sight, or maybe her glasses need to be changed. Local and Preferred agree to deal with that in the spring. So when I was there last week, I bring that up, Mom is avoiding and stalling.
well, if you want to see, you have to go to the opthom.
But he takes so long
If you want to see you have to go to the opthom.
But he’s mad at me
She believed he is mad bc Mom missed her appt the week my father died. Local and Preferred never followed up. She now has an appt for July and is fussing that it is too far away. 
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Maybe she can be out on waitlist for any cancelations? That is a way we are sometimes able to be seen sooner.
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Those eye exams are important for all of us. At a certain point, cataracts can progress quickly. I know somebody who waited too long, and the resulting procedure was more complicated than if done sooner.
After calling mom and talking to her about options on how to get the studio to work for her, I find out from my sibling that all of the studios are sold out. I wasn’t aware.
My sibling called the FA and they tweaked some numbers, it sounds like the one bedroom is doable.
I’m staying out of it but I’m hoping that they will book the one bedroom but get on the waiting list for the studio.
My husband is quite annoyed by this turn of events. We spent a lot of time, talked a lot and fought with sibling to help mom stay in the community she’s been in. After a weekend with sibling, mom is moving near them.
I’m annoyed also, have told sibling that I already did this move and that I’m not interested in helping mom move again. We did all this a year ago, sibling was not helpful and there was a lot of tension. More resigned because this was going to happen at some point. Mom does not like where I live and there are no options for her here.
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DH had an eye issue develop shortly after he turned 65 - had floaters and other symptoms. Now he has annual visits. After I turned 65, I also scheduled to see same Retina Specialist - and we now both see him annually. My cataracts are not ‘bad enough yet’ (I had follow up with same MD who did my Lasik eye surgery years ago), but DH recently had his cataract eye surgery (right eye a week before left eye) - his distance vision is now 20-20, and in a few weeks he will get a prescription for glasses (he is use to wearing glasses all the time - as his distant vision since boyhood was abysmal, and he probably will choose to continue to wear glasses all the time).
So once one is on Medicare and supplement, it is worth getting established to have referral to seeing a specialist. Once DH saw specialist, I was easily added on to see the MD with back-to-back appointments, which we do for dermatologist as well.
I was concerned about Macular Degeneration, as my mother developed this in her 70’s. But so far, not showing up with me or my older siblings. My dad died at 64 of cancer, so nothing more with that history.
In retirement, it is easier to get into a pattern on MD routine visits.
Sorry to hear about some of you having to try to pick up the pieces with parent(s) who may not utilize the health care system well, or other siblings who may not help the parent(s) utilize their health care system well.
It sounds like this time it’s the siblings turn to do the work for the move. At least that’s my vote! Sounds like the sibling is driving this, and you did it last time. Moving people is miserable, hard work, and you did your turn already. Besides, you’re busy over that time. Very busy.
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