Alas, often easier said than done.
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Iāve made it very clear that if mom is moved, that my husband says no to moving.
Since heās very helpful and usually very supportive and nice, him saying no has more weight.
Definitely easier said than done but sibling is retired and now has lots of time. Iāve spend time setting my boundaries with them.
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We had an unexpectedly great day with MIL yesterday, celebrating her 97th birthday. She rarely leaves her room, and we havenāt been able to get her out to a restaurant in more than a year. She tells the attendants to put her in pajamas rather than clothes when she is showered. But yesterday, she got dressed. We were able to get her to go to the dining room for lunch, where she had a table with balloons. All the other residents were so nice to her (MIL never interacts with them). She chatted with us in her room most of the afternoon & took a short nap. Then we got her to go out for an early dinner at a restaurant ā¦ none of us actually thought it would happen. When we got back, H & I sat outside with her until the sun went down. She was engaged in the conversation and rarely repeated herself. What a difference it was from most days, and we truly appreciated it.
On the flip side, most days are difficult. She sleeps a lot, wonāt get dressed, says sheās done living. Sheās mean to SIL, who visits with her most days. SIL shared with me that she must be a horrible person, because when others tell her how privileged she is to be able to take care of her mother, she doesnāt feel privileged at all ā¦ she feels things she doesnāt want to say. I assured her that she is not a horrible person, rather she is human. We appreciate everything she is doing. Itās so hard for her.
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Hereās an interesting article.
My friendās dad fell several times and needed help getting up because heās over 6ā and solidly built and his caregivers were more on the petite side. Once the fire station threatened to call protective services if they got any more calls to help get him up after a fall, my friend flew down and acquired a hydraulic hoyer life, learned how to use it and taught everyone else how to use it.
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Me thinks this will be a day, no matter what the future holds, you will always remember with her. 
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My SIL is really feeling the burden with MIL. When MIL decided to move closer to SIL two years ago, she insisted on doing it immediately ā¦ and there was no talking her into waiting. As a result, she is a tough 30-35 minute drive from SILās house. Itās really wearing on SIL. Rent is rumored to be going way up at the facility, and itās not worth the extra cost, so we looked at a place 4 miles from SIL yesterday. That one most likely wonāt fit the bill, but SIL was so overwhelmed by the easy drive (in a positive way) that she & H decided that SIL needs to investigate facilities closer to her. On our drive home today, H said that he wants to look into places near us. Iām fine with that, if the facilities are better than what SIL finds. Having her stay near SIL will probably be better, but H at least wants to look & offer.
It would mean a huge move for MIL rather than a half hour move, but since she has stated that she doesnāt plan to move again, Iām not sure that matters. She will complain regardless, but SILās health is not good & something has to give. Weāll figure out a way to get MIL on board with it ā¦ like, āWe donāt want SIL to die before you do!ā
Gosh, itās hard!
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Yes, it is so complicated. My parents moved 3 hours to our state (25 minutes away from my family, with excellent facilities for each of their varying challenges), leaving the neighboring state they had spent their lives in.
Agree with you that at a certain point, the distance of the move is not necessarily the key variable. As I helped my folks settle in, I was struck by how welcoming their peers were and how living in this continuing care community represented a fresh start for all, whether local or not. Their first lunches reminded me of freshmen orientations- everyone in a similar phase, eager for connection. My mantra (as the sole sibling available for care management/local fun) was āāIāll be right there with you, listening and helping to make any tweaks required. All I ask is that whatever plans we implement have to work/make sense for all of us.ā They were each appreciative and cooperative, which made it much easier.
I can see how impactful a convenient drive is for your SIL; seems fair and advantageous to optimize that when possible. If moving near you and H proves desirable, that can work, too. My parents moved to a continuing care facility, starting with assisted living with medical care included (meds refilled/administered, etc) and one lived 11 years longer than the other, eventually moving to skilled nursing memory care, while the other had aides for months in AL during her final illness, spending the last 2 weeks in skilled nursing. I had gratitude that one place took care of all that was needed, though there was still much to navigate. The continuing care model gave us all peace of mind and they each moved back and forth between care levels if indicated.
All the best as this gets sorted out. Itās a lot to get seniors well situated and it can be a moving target.
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Checking back in post-funeral.
All went really well. Mom looked great (I always get freaked out when the deceased looks nothing like themselves). Sisterās horrible ex was there and tried to center himself. I had the least amount of contact possible with him. Ds2 sang my motherās favorite song graveside, the only time that I could hear people lose it. Itās an upbeat tune that everyone knows so he invited people to sing along, but I think that just made it so emotional. I could see ds1 cry and heard my brother, but I tried to keep it together and sang and locked eyes with ds2 so he wouldnāt lose it. Truly, a tender moment.
Working amongst the three of us whatās going to happen with the house. My brother hasnāt made any arrangements to work elsewhere 
(heās been working at momās house since Covid as he doesnāt get reliable internet at his rural spread). He is considering taking over the bills so that he can keep working there, but if he doesnāt buy my sister and I out or sell, then we donāt get our inheritance in a timely manner. Iām over the savings account, and Iāve said that I wonāt disburse any of that money until we do something with the house.
The biggest news of the weekend is that my sister was uncharacteristically vulnerable with me. I was not prepared for that. Long-time readers of this thread may remember that i started short-term therapy to figure out how to deal with my siblings and decide whether I want a relationship with them after mom died. My sister has really thrown me for a loop. I am truly thrilled that she is considering therapy. HUGE step for her.
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Thanks for the update. Iām happy for the parts that have gone well. Hope you and your siblings find a way to go forward in a positive way.
I can imagine your son singing- that had to be such a special and emotional moment.
Siblings can surprise us. I have a couple who are perpetually incommunicado (where I also contemplated having no further involvement) and one of them has responded to my emails three times in one week. The last acknowledgment from that sibling was showing up to the online memorial service over a year ago. Opening up personally has been the missing piece with this particular sibling for decades.
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My dad has slipped precipitously since Saturday. My daughter who is an RN showed up unasked and has led the team through his final days. Iām so proud of her compassion and gentle guidance. That kid is a wonder.
We decided on a code word for Dadās final moments. Today my D and my BIL were taking a break outside and watching a bald Eagle circling and nest building. If the end happens during the night, everyone just gets a message āThe Eagle has landedā. We can respond as time zones and emotions work.
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This brought tears to my eyes, as my dad was an engineer at NASA during the moon landing years. āThe Eagle has landedā was a sentiment we shared both with his passing, and then again in his celebration of life. 
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Thatās what we text our D when we are traveling, to let her know we have arrived. She texts us āthe egg is in the nest.ā. haha!
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My FIL and MIL (83 and 81), the ones buying a home they intend to use as a rental property 1500 miles from their actual year round home (and in addition to a rental property they already own)ā¦and have not been speaking to us because DH didnāt want in on this deal. FIL was mad, too mad to speak to us.
DH called his mom today, naturally. She insisted FIL come and talk to his oldest, which he eventually did with great reluctance and awkwardness and then apparently got over himself, which is the good news. The bad news is the purchase has gone sideways ā they are having immense trouble getting insurance, had zillions of forms for the mortgage (YES! A Mortgage! omg), seller misrepresented some things (ILs never actually physically entered the property, omg) actually decided to just give up and cancel the deal and the sellerās broker threatened to sue them. DH just said āwell, I hope this all gets sorted out so you can have it work for youā.
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Motherās Day two weeks after your mother dies sucks. 0/10 recommend
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I hope their own agent is advising them. Likely the worst that could happen is that they lose their deposit (but if thereās a financing contingency and they canāt get financing, thatās a way to back out without losing a cent). Also if something is misrepresented, that could be a way out. Their agent should really be helping them. In fact, it sounds like there could be some dementia issues, and people are taking advantage of seniors. Maybe itās a scam?
Thank God your husband didnāt get sucked into this!
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They have an agent, the seller has an agent, I am confident that getting any closer to this will not improve the situation for anyone. Plus, BiL and FiL got themselves into this, they willhave to get themselves out. Ithas not diminished FILās desire to have another property in the least; if anything, heāll (in his mind) prove heās better than the seller by outwitting him and closing the deal. Thatās how he thinks.
I wish it were as simple as dementia, but honestly this is all very typical behavior. His dad is one of those friendly but opinionated men who cannot, for one second, believe anybody knows more than he does.
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Tough situation. Gosh, the mortgage part really has me shaking my head.
Our 1st attempt to buy a house, we had a realtor who was NOT good at working with us. We told him we had to sell two rentals to free up cash flow to be able to buy the house but he had us put in an offer without listing either rental. The seller accepted our offer and I had to go to the credit union and tell the loan officer there was NO way we could afford the mortgage with the negative cash flow we had from the two rentals. He reluctantly disapproved our mortgage and we were able to walk away from the house with no obligation or losses. We left that realtor and found one who would listen and work with us.
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Ugh! I was thinking that maybe this would be a chance for FIL to learn his lesson, but obviously not. Sounds like you have the best plan to stay as far away from this as possible. What a mess! At least your husband didnāt get bullied or guilted into being a part of this.
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