My 2 cents of advice…don’t discuss any of that. Just side step ALL those discussions. It’s easy enough because everything is a “what if” discussion as of now anyway. You don’t really know what will happen with the cottage because it’s in the future. Your sister has no right to dig up ashes against her parent’s wishes so those belong at the church (which is a historical spot with records for future generations). But there are more ashes if she wants some at the cottage–whether you sell it or not makes no difference in the long term.
It is so hard to care for parents at end of life with all the emotions. She probably isn’t thinking straight anyways. But I’ll add that day to day “how you doing?” questions can change to hour-by-hour at times and it’s hard to not give confusing or contradictory responses at times.
I think that my SIL is getting overwhelmed by the reality of what is happening. My MIL has been ready to go for a long time (she is 97 and had pretty much checked out socially). SIL is absolutely not making sense with things she is saying to H, which is why I’m not coming this time. It’s a good opportunity for the two of them to talk things through. I had already mentioned to H that he should avoid discussing the future of the cottage with his sister. He is going to offer her half of their dad’s ashes that we have, and he’ll suggest that maybe she might want to keep those & some from their mom when the time comes … perhaps at her house, so that they are always with her.
SIL has been saying a bunch of things today that show that she is having a difficult time coping. She has known for some time that her mom wasn’t going to live all that much longer, but it seems to really be hitting home for her now. I know that it’s hard on her. Fortunately, H is good at dealing with his sister, so it’s good that he is going.
This is really tough. But just food for thought.
Maybe she’s near the end. Not necessarily the very end of her life but the end of being able to speak to her. And I apologize for speaking outside the box.
It is better in a thousand ways to visit someone before the end than be there at the end.
The “outside” person (the spouse, friend, neighbor) can be the very lubricant to make all those hardest moments easier.
In this case (if you have any inkling that death may be imminent or there may be a rapid downward spiral of cognizance) it might be a good time to just join your husband for this trip.
In this particular case, the pros of H going alone outweigh the cons. I have always gone with him, and we were just there last month, so I don’t feel like I have to be there. If we need to return in the coming weeks weeks, I’ll go - we had planned to go mid-late next month, but we can always go sooner if needed. You never know what might happen, but I’m good with not being there this time (and I have been there through both of my parents’ final days, my FIL’s final days, and my brother’s final days - so it’s a decision I am making with some experience under my belt).
Yeas ago we had opportunity to visit my uncle in nursing home in CT, en route to see my Dad in NY. When visiting with my aunt at their house, she talked us out of it. My uncle was no longer his old self, and she suggested it would be better to remember him in happier times…just continue on to go spend more time with my Dad.
We did a similar thing with my aunt when my father died. She knew she couldn’t easily come when he was in hospice AND for the funeral; he was unconscious much of the time and not “there” when he was conscious.
I told her he would hate for her to see him as he was, and she would be traumatized needlessly. I sent her a couple photos so she felt connected, and we read cards she sent. She did come for the funeral and I had told my mom/siblings that I had advised against coming sooner so my aunt was not judged.
The hospice nurses cautioned our family that the majority of men and a sizeable amount of women die without family bedside as a last gift to their loved ones. Someplace deep inside, they are sheltering us from being there.
When my dad was dying, one of my sibs was not able to be there. This is also the sib that went through some rough times and acceptance from my parents. She had not seen or talked to my dad in years. Thinking of both of them I called her on the phone in his last days and just put the phone to his ear for her to talk to him. I don’t know what she said but he did respond with some physical movements and not words, but sounds. It felt like a small gift I could give both of them.
When my mom became suddenly ill (fine one day with no health issues, gone by the next night) 2 of my sibs live out of state. It was such a hard thing to do but while she was still coherent I Facetimed them in to the ER - no one of course said anything about what we knew was likely to happen by the end of the night - but it gave them a moment to see her and her them - and just send love. My brother about broke me when he said “bye Mom” but again, I felt it was something I could do to provide them a moment.
All the things mentioned above - a photo, a call, texting lots of updates - whatever - there are ways to make those who can’t be on site a moment to feel connected.
My daughter couldn’t be there when my mom passed but she played piano for my mom over FaceTime as her last goodbye. I quietly was sobbing through the whole thing but my mom adored listening to her play and I could swear she smiled at one point.
Sadly my dad died very unexpectedly in his sleep. Very hard to not have closure of a some kind and a last goodbye.
I couldn’t bring myself to visit my grandma at the end. I was in college, and I could have driven to see her on a weekend, but I just couldn’t bear to see her like that. I never regretted my decision. I have ushered several relatives through the end since that time. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a different person now or if my grandma was just the one person whose memory I needed to hang onto as she was.
I think these truly are individual decisions that should be respected. Ok, to share experiences but we should also respect one’s decision on how they want to be involved in end of life.
Like all things, we should know there are options when there are options! Maybe someone might not think about taking a photo or sharing a phone call or giving the gift of music over Facetime (I think that is SOO touching!). So we share but should also respect the choices one makes.
Definitely agree that there are all kinds of right answers about handling the last days. Nice we can share here and plant seeds of ideas that may help others sort through options in the future.
My mother went into hospice in the early days of Covid. Hard to travel, but my sister did it twice. (We actually had to make it a surprise because mom worried about risk of air travel.) She was not her the last week when mom was at my house… but she did keep watch via video camera. That brought them both comfort.
I was so proud of my son and his wife. They offered to rent a car to drive 2000 miles (avoid bringing germs) to see mom… then fly home. Mom and I discourage that, but I did set up a phone call where they had a nice chat while she was still lucid. The day before we started mom on hospice meds, local daughter came by and had a really nice visit. Didn’t realize it was 2 days from the end, so really glad they had that special time together. And to be honest… it was quite nice for me too to hear them talking and laughing together.
We just retained the same patient advocate, an RN, that we used when Dad was so ill in 2019/2020. She’s already on the case. She’ll look at the patient portal, talk to his nurse in person, and let us know the lay of the land. Dad has two bacterial infections in his foot, and my sister read that one of them has a 40% mortality rate.
The advocate is also going to see to it that Dad’s long term care insurance company starts paying for his caregivers again. Dad will save more on caregiving than he will spend on the advocate!
She said she will always be honest with us about how Dad is doing. That’s so helpful, because it seems like we can’t get a straight answer from the doctors.
My dad waited for my mom and brother to go get someone to eat - he was in an inpatient hospice room in the hospital. My sisters were at his bedside and told him it was OK to go and he did.
My mom waited for my sister and brother (her two favorites) to step away from formal living room where her hospital bed was/Hospice care, this room connects fully open to formal dining and to open kitchen area - they were in the kitchen making lunch and she passed at home. Mom got her wish to die at home.
A happy death in the Catholic Church is considered dying peacefully in one’s sleep. We even have a ‘fruit of the mystery’ of the Fourth Glorious Mystery of the Rosary as “grace of a happy death”.
I had a profound ‘gut’ feeling the last time I was going to see my dad alive was driving away from the house after Mother’s Day weekend 1995 on the way to the airport. He died two days before Father’s Day and his 64th birthday a month later. We had to put our cat to sleep before we flew out for Father’s Day weekend, and dad died within hours of our cat dying (which dad really liked our cat). We were able to extend our return flight to after the funeral.
Due to being far out of state and nuclear family considerations with school aged kids, we were able to make the travel plans for when it was appropriate time to arrive with mom’s passing.
My sister is fit to be tied. When Dad was admitted to the hospital on Friday, she had the feeling it wasn’t the right one due to his specific foot infection and specifically stated that. It was so weird, an ER doctor agreed with her, but the staff in the unit assured her he was in the right place.
Well, after almost 6 days, they say he needs to go to a different hospital with a foot specialist! Sis feels like a week has been wasted.
They wanted to send him to the hospital we considered suing back in 2019/2020, and we said, uh, no… So now it will be tomorrow before he can go to a different hospital. This is getting so old.
And as I’m sure a lot of you know, how distracting is all of this?? I’ve got very few billable hours for today. Ugh.
I am with your sister. But thanks for the update, I was wondering how your father was faring.
My mom’s hospitalist back in June said she was fine, just old and incontinent. I resisted and the social worked got us a urology consult and in October she will have her second cystoscopy to see why and what is going on to keep her so unwell despite “no reason to have a consult”. Hang in there – you are doing the hard work of healthcare!
