Thanks for asking! Still in a holding pattern. Good news is that the MRI showed that the infection is not in his bones at all, contrary to what we were told earlier. He’s “the same,” we hear a lot, which is not good. Kidneys are at 15%. Heart is very weak. He was pretty alert yesterday, so we got some good photos. Today he was very groggy the whole time, saying only a few words.
I drove to Waco, 90 minutes each way, to see my uncle. He got out of the hospital last night and went home to his wife who has COVID! Don’t get me started, ha. So I met him in a restaurant and didn’t hug him.
Kind of a hard day. I go home early Tuesday morning.
Well, things turned around unexpectedly and Dad was discharged to rehab yesterday. His vitals were stable and his wound is finally looking better, so the doctor said it would be OK. I got home about 3:30 yesterday afternoon. I slept 11 hours overnight, I was so exhausted.
Today, Dad’s caregiver said he looks much improved. He’d been fairly unresponsive the last couple of days, but now he has perked up a lot. I think he was just sick of that hospital!
I’m glad I went down. I was able to help my sister out and cheer up Dad. But it’s going to take me a little while to recover. And I have so much work to catch up on.
Good that you went. Sympathetic about the catching up—I have the same issue when I visit my elderly father. The trip is not easy, and there are often flight delays.
Oldfort (I’m not tagging her) commented on the say it here thread about something that really touched a nerve with me.
My sibling decided that our mother needed to move near her (or me but I have said no). Mom was in IL near where she retired to 25 years ago. She had a large group of friends and a welcoming community in IL. She was so happy there. Her medical needs were growing but it was manageable, mom is not having cognitive impairment issues.
My sibling wasn’t having it. Family needs to take care of family so mom moved.
Mom has been in her new city for 3 months now and is miserable. My sibling finds my mother to be difficult (nothing new). My mom and my sibling do not get along (again nothing new).
Mom has been sick twice and now is recovering from covid which has been 2 weeks. My sibling wanted me to drive 28 hours round trip to get our mother because she’s being difficult. I told them that I was not because there is no crisis and I was not exposing us to Covid.
Mom had an expensive move to this new city. She and my sibling aren’t talking. My sibling while telling me that mom is senile (she’s not) has not called her since Monday.
I am out of ideas, I am worried. Moving my mother here isn’t a good solution. And these 2 need to figure this out, it’s only been 3 months. And it cost a lot to move. I don’t have IL in my town and medical care isn’t great.
My husband is against “rescuing mom” by bringing her to our house. Long drive, the house isn’t really set up for her mobility needs. And he feels mom needs to figure out some things on her own.
I don’t know the solution, but friends die/become incapacitated, so that aspect of their lives changes. And managing elder care from a distance is super difficult. Not saying that your mother should, or should not have moved.
I understand. Mom needed to move at some point. The issue is trying to get her to have some patience that being comfortable takes time and how to get her to get along with my sibling.
Managing from a distance is difficult. I didn’t think that this move would have me managing from a distance when family is close. They need to figure out how to manage.
I’m trying to figure out how to manage my mental health with this stress.
I understand, and it’s good that you have a place to vent. You are correct for setting boundaries. It sounds like your sister needs to get some help figuring out how to handle the situation she willingly got herself into. It also sounds like she doesn’t plan to do that at this point. Is the administration at her living facility helpful? My MIL is now in her third facility. In the second facility, they wouldn’t have been helpful. But in the first & the current, we would have felt comfortable talking with administration about the situation & asking if they had suggestions.
@deb922 if I’m putting your mom and you in my place I would recognize these two things - you or others can maybe relate or not relate because we are all different in our lives, emotional states, etc
Moving mom to a third IL situation in my town doesn’t help her. She is still in a place she doesn’t know and does not have her community. Starting from scratch at 80+ is not easy for all and sometimes impossible
I admit without guilt that I am not cut out to have an elderly relative live with me that is not temporary- like for a week after a surgery. My life would be miserable, my husbands life would be miserable and mom would surely know/feel this and not be comfortable or happy. This is just factual for me. I would grow resentful and lose much of the positive relationship I had with my mom and that is not a desire - for all involved quality of life is important - and no one persons is MORE important.
Your mom has been in this new location a few months? That is still new I think I’m this situation. I think everyone needs to give more time to the adjustment. Maybe your sister needs to also not feel like she needs to attend to all moms needs but also not wipe her hands if moms needs
Hugs, it’s hard to be on the phone with unhappy people.
It can be really hard to move an elderly parent from the town they know and love. But sometimes it does work. I have friends at church who have worried a long time about a 90+ year old mother who lived far from all children (either by car or plane). This month they did relocate her to IL in my town. They’ve brought her to church, and I’m quite relieved that she is settling in… gracious and cheerful. Not saying this is the usual experience, just trying to add some hope to those considering this kind of step.
Similar to what happened when my sister’s SIL decided her parents couldn’t manage on their own. So SIL moved (in this case–no way they were leaving) to “take care of them”. And honestly they didn’t need to be taken care of, told her so, and didn’t want her there at the time.
The only conclusion to be drawn after all these years is that it was for SIL benefit in some way. She did end up helping her mom and dad but that was years after her moving down to “help”.
@deb922 Do not delete your post. And do not hesitate to post again. We .. well I can’t say all .. but many have had similar circumstances as we navigate life. Maybe your post will jog a memory from someone who went before and they will give you a hint on how to navigate. Maybe just typing and whining (as I said back when I went through my mom’s journey) is sometimes enough. Knowing that others have same feelings is a comfort as well. We can’t always help, but we can always send a virtual hug. The CC energy white light is real
My nearby sibling lives on acreage and repeatedly invited our mother to put a house on her land.
My nearby sibling and mother were also so very uncomfortable together they nearly could not stand to be in the same room/car. My sibling told my other sister than sometimes when out mother talked about XYZ, sis wanted to pull over and push her out of the car. And yet, she kept inviting her to share the land. As if.
Sometimes it is hopeful and kind, but impractical. Of course, that is an extreme story, but yes, your sibling needs to figure this out, just like when we drop off a kid at university and they need to lean in to craft a new life there, not come home every weekend. Mom and Sibling will have to find their way.
My very first online community was babyworld.com in 1998 for that very reason. Older S did not follow any of the baby books and I was clueless!!’ It was based in the UK. Shortly after I found an online running community, and that became my home for about 15+ years.
I don’t post much here because mine are still doing well right now. But it is so helpful to me for H’s parents. And for me to help plan for the future.
Yes, my main advice is to plan way ahead. Get POA and MPOA for your parents as well as signing rights on bank accounts. Talk to them about financial stuff.
We’re finding it’s more daunting dealing with the surviving parent’s decline as opposed to the first parent who passes. With the first, you can still access funds and discuss financial questions. When the second becomes incapacitated and then passes, you’re kind of stuck.
I think I mentioned that when my dad’s prognosis was so poor (for the second time in four years!), my sister and I moved money out of his investment fund into our bank accounts (with the blessing of his financial advisor and bookkeeper). Now my sister and I need to talk to him and see if he’ll let us keep the money so we don’t have to scramble when he eventually passes.
