Here is the latest with my 93 year old father who is in a skilled nursing facility. Sometime in July, I spoke to his nurse and they said he needed a new charger for his phone. I immediately sent him a double pack from Amazon that was delivered and received in a few days. Since that day, my father has been calling me multiple times a day saying he needs a charger and doesn’t have one. I have been assured on multiple occasions by nurses that he got the ones I sent him. In addition, his phones appears to always be charged (evidenced by his calling me from it multiple times a day). When I tell him the nurse says he got it, he says they are wrong. He even called and asked his sister to send him one (which she did). I am really at wits end with how to reply to him. When he is confused, I usually just play along. But this time, no answer I give stops him from calling me again either several hours later or the next day. So most days I just don’t answer his calls (and then listen to his voicemail that says - can you get me a charger for my phone.)
Maybe you could say, I mailed it yesterday and you should get it very soon." Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. Sometimes a little white lie is a kindness.
That is a good suggestion.
My dad used to call me all the time to say he could not find his phone 
You get better and smiling and nodding.
I have gotten good at just going along with him. Answering with “yes, I am taking care of it”, no matter how ridiculous the request is. This one was different because I believed for a while that the chargers had been misplaced and he had not gotten them (which may have been true - don’t know for sure). So my first answers were I am looking into it, then when I was assured he had them, I switched to telling him you have them (not realizing that this was a confusion issue for him). I guess I just have to go back to I am taking care of it.
I think I was most worried about my dad weekend before last, when he was convinced the Longhorns were playing that day! He never gets that wrong. I don’t think he believed me that they didn’t play, even when I showed him the Google results.
A week ago was my last day in Austin with him. His eyes were closed most of the day and he spoke very little. He didn’t get out of bed once.
Today, his caregiver sent me photos of him working hard in PT. He wheeled himself in a wheelchair and even walked down the hall with a walker. I know kids say this a lot about their parents, but he is seriously the most determined, hardworking person I’ve ever met.
As her executor, Mom made sure to put my name on all of her bank accounts. She got rid of her car herself when SHE decided she was too old to be driving. Every time I would visit, which was often, she asked me to tell her where all her important papers were kept, to be sure I remembered.
When she passed, her attention to detail made managing her modest estate very easy. She was amazing.
That’s great! It’s so good you have been advocating for him!
We’re fortunate he has the resources to hire a caregiver who is with him 8 hours every day, even when he is in rehab, plus an advocate who’s keeping an eye on everything. But it’s scary - I don’t think I will have the money for that when I’m his age. 
We returned last week from a trip to see my MIL. SIL told H that she was at the end of life. We got there & it was clear immediately to H and me that MIL was higher than a kite. She slept all day, wouldn’t eat & couldn’t carry on a conversation. When she did talk, she slurred her words & made little sense. We talked with staff, a couple of whom shared that they thought she was being overmedicated. SIL was unable to join us that day, but H talked to her. She is the one who is there & is involved in decisions. I won’t go into the whole story, but the gist is that MIL fell at some point, complained of a headache, and hospice put her on a low dose of Dilaudid 4x/day. We asked SIL to have them withhold the drug while we were there so we could figure things out.
The first day off the drug, she was a bit clearer headed. She could carry on a conversation & she ate a little. We asked her if she was in pain, and she said yes. We asked her to rate it on a scale of 10, and she said 4. We have a caregiver that comes 15 hours a week, and she came that afternoon. We talked to her about the situation, and she shared that she felt that MIL was not at the point of needing such strong pain meds.
The next day, MIL was able to converse very well, and she ate well. She asked to play a dice game with us, and she was able to count, add & use logic. She was a different person. No complaints about her head hurting. We talked to SIL about the fact that she actually might be near the end & this could be her last hurrah … if she starts to have overwhelming pain, H told her he is fine with a strong pain med. It just seemed like in this particular instance, the reaction to her complaint was an over reaction. A couple staff members quietly told us that they were glad we had her meds changed.
Since we returned home, the caregiver has gotten his mom to leave her room & visit with residents a couple times. His mom is old & tired, but it seems her hospice team was too aggressive, at least at this point in her journey.
I think you should keep posting, because you need a place to retain some sanityin all of this. I think you have done everything a reasonable person could have done to change the course of things before the move, and setting boundaries now is appropriate. You simply can’t be the fixer in all situations.
My mom Is 4 months in to her move to AL. I think staying positive is all you can do from a distance (that’s me,too). Remind your mom that it hasn’t been long, it is bound to change and get better, and that at least she is safe and cared for. Send her snail mail. If you have that option, have her friends send mail, too. Can you have a local paper from her old town delivered? (Not likely, but it was a thought)
But in the end, I would be doing the same worrying, the same eyerolling, the same helpless feeling (and the same anger!! ) I have been visiting my mom and discovered neither Local nor Favored have been paying a couple bills, they haven’t checked on the house, and our mom took an unsupervised walk around the outside of the building which I found alarming and they thought was harmless. But they are there, doing all the hardest work, and I can’t be backseat driving. So I get it. I do. I would send you stress cookies if I could 
We all need to be kind to ourselves. I’ve been home a full six days now and I’m still utterly exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m also irritable, which isn’t like me.
This is a running thread through most if not all the posts from both parts 1 and 2.
It’s tough. You’re always “on”. Always looking for a solution to navigate whatever not only physical ailments your loved one may have but the financial, paper work, living arrangements. It’s almost like having a new baby but unlike that scenario you are not in total control. There aren’t books about it. A new baby doesn’t come with a lifetime of history built in. They don’t argue or have lawyers or siblings arguing over their care.
You do the best you can with the information you have at any given time.
All of my husband’s siblings will be spending time with his mother in the next month (not at the same time). This is good. DH just spent nine days there, and he says they need to see what’s going on themselves.
Everyone is making the best decisions they can with what they know…but they are spread out literally all over the world…so the info they have isn’t in the same real time. This will be close.
It’s a very difficult situation.
Yes, aging loved ones is so much harder than raising kids, for so many reasons. Wishing everyone the best—be kind to yourselves. You can only do your best and have the serenity to leave the rest to others.
I don’t think necessarily that aged loved ones are harder than raising kids–but more that it is the less traveled road especially in our present environment of bureaucracy. It’s difficult. Just don’t beat yourself up.
But it is extraordinarily difficult to watch our loved ones do the opposite of what our kids (tap wood!) do–instead of moving onward and upward, the elderly are on the opposite course, losing abilities and fading away.
I have only one living family member on that course–an aunt, almost 84, 7.5 years older than I am. I only see her for holidays (Rosh Hashona next) and I know that her willing, able, and loving children and grandchildren are on the scene, and that there are enough financial resources for her care. But she is close enough in age to me (and we spent huge amounts of our childhoods together) that I look over my shoulder as she declines.
I think the difference is that when you raise kids, it’s hard but you know you’re working towards something - their healthy independence as adults (not that it always happens, as I know too well). With aging parents, though, there’s no wonderful future to look towards.
Just passing through the stage as lovingly and as gracefully as possible. A steady loving presence, either nearby or from afar can bring comfort.
Wow, if any of your parents can afford to get an advocate, I highly recommend it. Dad’s advocate not only helped in the hospital, but now she is arranging all his caregiving. If there’s a problem, SHE gets called, rather than my sister or me. And if she thinks Dad needs 24/7 care, that’s what he gets. If he wants to complain, we direct him to her. It really is a huge load off our shoulders.
A hired advocate can be a great buffer and troubleshooter. Not all are created equal, but a great one can help reduce the load for all!