How do you go about finding an advocate?
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I donât know about advocates, but my fatherâs elder care lawyer takes care of so many little things for us. He acts as the go between with the nursing home. It is so important as I do not live close and he can easily get one of his legal aides physically to see my father. He has power of attorney and access to all my fatherâs accounts. He was actually the one who had âthe conversationâ with my dad that my father needed too much care to go back to his assisted living and would have to be in a nursing home.
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It was my husbandâs idea back in 2019. He thought there must be such services offered. I googled âpatient advocate Austinâ and found an organization that listed advocates. I picked a few and called references.
This time, I wasnât sure if the woman we used before was still in the business, so I did the same google search and it looks like you might have to pay something to get recommendations. But you can just try looking in your parentsâ community to see what you can find. Fortunately, our former advocate was available, which is helpful since she knows Dadâs complicated history well.
Sis said Dad brought up the idea of not having nighttime caregivers, and she just told him that the advocate said that is in the advocateâs purview and Sisâs role is âloving daughter.â 
The advocate said Dad will have 24/7 care for now until we see how heâs doing. I love it that the advocate is the decision maker. Dad trusts her after what she did for him in 2019/2020.
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Well, the good news is that my father is no longer talking about his phone charger. The bad news is that he needs new sneakers. Phone charger replacement is easy, new sneakers for a man who is in a nursing home and hasnât bought any new shoes in many, many years, is much harder. I put his lawyer on the case, he should be able to get him new shoes.
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For others (living near parent) looking for shoes, I recommend looking at Sketcherâs step-in. Link is from Sketcherâs, but some styles are available at Kohlâs.
For my Dad during broken hip recovery, I actually flew to NY with a boxed pair from Kohlâs in my carry-on luggage. The PT at rehab endorsed the style. They were a little big, so I ended up ordering a half size smaller to be shipped to his house.
Hint: If one foot is more swollen, try using a knee high stocking on that foot until the swelling goes down.
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Someone good and is trusted is worth a lot! Peace of mind for family having the intermediary. People often will follow well with âauthorityâ - the MD says so, the patient advocate agreesâŚ
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My MIL fell yesterday, but fortunately she didnât get hurt. She refuses to use her lift chair to lift her all the way to standing ⌠she stops it when she gets upright. Her arms arenât strong enough to hold her, and her knees hurt from the pressure. She just collapsed. At least she used her call button & staff was in her room immediately. I donât know why she is so stubborn. Sheâs already holding the button that will get her to standing ⌠she just needs to hold it longer. We can do what we can to keep her safe, but we canât protect her 100%, unfortunately.
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If you can figure out why she is so stubborn, I think you will be a rich woman.
Because mine are so stubborn and itâs a mystery!
Glad to hear that sheâs doing well.
Talked to my mother today. She sounded much better. She was out and about, and sheâs going down to dinner in her IL. I guess my âtalkâ with her last week maybe helped. And sheâs feeling better
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Is she afraid it will propel her? does it make jerk at the end? just a thought.
No, itâs slow and smooth. We think she feels that she is losing independence when she doesnât get herself up off the chair. She has a really great caregiver who is going to work with her to try to help her come to terms with the need to use the lift. As others have noted, sometimes the message is better received when it comes from someone other than the children.
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Itâs been too long since I updated.
We think we have sold Dad and SMomâs house to the first person who saw it. The inspection was today. No details yet.
SMom signed both the listing agreement and the offer. (POA took care of Dadâs signatures).
Todayâs wrinkle? SMom wants to remove some fixtures like a dining room light fixture. Iâve explained (1) the buyer would need to agree, (2) if the item is to be replaced, someone needs to take care of that. And (3) she doesnât know who wants it anyway.
They refer to it as the Tiffany light. (I doubt it has that provenance or pedigree). It may have been from that era, but it has none of the detail or pieced work.
This is really a preview of the forthcoming issues of trying to pull off an estate sale and close the house sale by mid-October. We need to be able to identify which items will NOT go in the sale and get them out of there. And, the estate sale person needs to know what they have available to sell (and how much money they can make) â before the sale can happen.
And none of us live there. I only have two free weekends during that time period. So if it canât happen on my schedule, it will be someone elseâs problem.
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Congrats. It is a major milestone. I wouldnât pick battles with SM if there is a place to keep the dang fixture. I wouldnât let the deal fall through because of that. If the buyer comes back with asks after the inspection, you (them) can counter âwe will give you but how about keeping the light).â
The fixture is only needed for inspection and appraisal purposes as it is a safety issue. After those are done⌠anything can be removed if mutually agreed upon.
Maybe the buyer wants something minor in return. We were in a similar situation when our seller realized they wanted to keep the light fixture hung by the entrance. It was butt ugly but meant something to them, apparently. We would have given them the light free and clear, but our realtor had an idea to ask to keep the cute wine room table.
ETA: let the realtor earn his or her keep by coming up with the best way for SM to keep her light.
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Ah the rub. My MIL wanted a light fixture from her houseâŚbut she had NO place to hang itâŚever. She just wanted it. The family packed it up and moved it. It never got used.
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Thanks for checking in â selling the house is a big deal. Hereâs hoping there are no surprises in the inspection. (We have just started serious conversations about the contents of Momâs house, and getting the desirables out and distributed, so I sympathize)
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Thatâs a tough situation, especially from long distance. Best wishes for it to go as smoothly as possible.
Yesterday, Mom tried it again-- she went out the front door and proceeded to walk around the building (sidewalk, parking lot, loading dock, back at the entrance). Preferred and Local were sure she wouldnât try this a second time. Anyway, she had not gotten very far when one of the food service aides saw her from the kitchen window, and ran out to collect her. âSweetheart! This is not a safe thing for you!â Suitably embarassed, she has agreed to only go for walks with someone else. We expect to hook her up with one of the family friends who are always wanting to do something useful, and in a month it will be too cold anyway. (But I was rightâŚ)
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@greenbutton this is my main concern with MIL. Her kids donât seem to think she will go for a walk at some point. And yes, itâs going to get cold where she livesâŚbutâŚshe likely wonât notice the temps!
Ugh, now the caregiver my sister found before we brought the advocate back on board is being a pain. Sheâs leaving early and being snarky. And Iâm sure sheâs telling Dad itâs the advocateâs issue. Iâm afraid my sister is going to have to get involved.
Dad has to understand that if the advocate is not in charge of his care, nobody will be. I will not let my sister do it again, itâs too much.
Iâm disappointed in the caregiver because I liked her when I was in Austin. But Iâve seen her texts, so I know the advocate is not exaggerating.
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How do you navigate setting boundaries with parents?
Or how to navigate that there are certain things that we donât want to share. Because they worry and make things about themselves.
I feel that I work hard to remember that my kids have things that they want to keep to themselves. But my mil and mom are always prying and need to try and get in the middle of something.
Or that siblings can have relationships and conversations that the parents donât need to know. That are not about them. Because my mil and mom seem to jump to conclusions.
Hope this makes sense without going into details. Iâm going to have to navigate a situation that my mil is going to pry about that isnât about us and is none of her business. In a constructive manner.
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Hmmmm. I guess iâm wondering how she would find this thing out if it has nothing to do with yâall or her?
If someone asks a question that isnât their business or that I donât want to talk about I say âI ddnât ask.â Like, why would someone do so and so? âHmmm, I didnât ask.â I just donât engage.
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