My in laws can be boundary-challenged, and take any boundary personally. It can be hard to decide what to tell them, what to hold back – I feel as if I am always just guessing what they might think, and that feels unfair to them but otoh, they DO stick their nose in…
But a concrete example – S1 and his gf were getting engaged, but wanted these grandparents to not be told. MIL asked repeatedly, and we just kept saying the same thing " They do seem serious, don’t they? I guess if they get engaged, we’ll all find out sooner or later" When she becomes insistent, DH does a variation on “I get that you are curious. I just don’t have an answer” or “Mom! If you were meant to know, you’d know”.
I just try to stick to the same message about my kids. “You’d really need to ask them that”. Over and over and over. And my inlaws reaction is not my problem, it’s theirs. (I tell myself that a lot, it’s hard)
A sibling was having a crisis, we offered to go there (100 miles each way) and provide advice and support. My mil drove by the house.
Sibling told her he was having a bad day and left it at that. Which is true but since she doesn’t respect boundaries, she is going to try and get me to spill the beans.
I know I will say that it’s for the sibling to discuss but she will cry and tell me that she is worried. She will only do this out of earshot of my husband.
OMG, she drove by and saw your car there. Is there jealousy involved here? You, your husband and your BIL were getting together without her? Or about her???
Sounds like your MIL won’t be one to “let it go” too easily. I think two things:
Be firm in that you have to respect your BIL’s privacy and his personal business is not yours to share. Just as you wouldn’t share hers to someone else.
Tell your BIL that MIL is digging for info. I guess he can choose to tell her as little or as much as he wants but it’s his story to tell/share.
I hate that she plays you sneaking around your husband (her son).
We offered to park the car in his garage because my husband and I were sure this would happen. We were only there for 2 hours.
His house is on the corner of a street she drives by. She doesn’t have to but does because she wants to know who is over.
Yes, she is jealous of not being involved in everything.
My bil is aware that she will pry. He has addressed this with her before. She will sulk and cry about it. Bil and I had a private conversation at Easter this year and she went nuts because she thinks everything is about her. It’s not and I had numerous conversations with her about respect.
I like @greenbutton’s advice of sticking to the same message of “you’d need to ask them.” And rinse and repeat as often as necessary. And 100% the inlaws reaction to that is on them, not you.
I think that this is the hardest for me. I am a people pleaser.
When I say something to my husband he will say that mom is just being concerned. I guess I don’t feel that my feelings are validated but that’s a me and my husband’s problem and not theirs.
I do think that my mil and my mom have much more anxiety than they did when they were younger. I think the relationship has also gone from where they helped us, to now where we help them. But they are having a tough time transitioning to that maybe they can’t handle these issues as well as they did.
You can’t control the other person’s behavior. You can only control how YOU react.
Proceed forward with how you want the relationship to be with your MIL. So if you want her to continue to bug you and pull you aside privately to ask you for info, then feed her the info. But remember that if you are feeding her info intermittently, that’s basically the same as those Pavlov’s dogs experiments, and intermittent reinforcement basically teaches the person to do MORE of the behavior you don’t want.
Learn how to accept the fact that no matter what you do, she will find something frustrating or upsetting about it.
Follow the advice that others here have proposed: give generic responses to her requests for info that isn’t yours to give.
Recognize that she’ll probably be like this for the rest of her life and it’s not going to improve.
Figure out what your own boundaries are and then be prepared to constantly reinforce them with her.
It’s pretty messed up when it’s to the point where you’re talking about hiding your car in the relative’s garage just so she won’t see that you guys are over visiting. You guys aren’t 13 years old. You’re adults.
If you see that she’s calling you, don’t be as quick to pick up the phone. Let it go to voicemail and return her call later when you’re ready to deal with all of her social life questions. And if need be, have your DH call her back instead of you.
My mil called today, she had a tooth pulled yesterday that’s why she didn’t call before.
I let my husband handle the call even though she called on my phone.
If anyone has read my say it here post, my fil keeps calling my husband to close their pool. My mil was unaware that this had been happening. So I did chime in and make sure that my husband will close their pool when he is in town mid October.
Mil was prying but would not address that she knew we were at my bil’s house Sunday. My husband refused to play. Mil discussed some issues with bil but husband stayed neutral and did not talk about any issues.
I would say that it went well, mil decided not to sulk. She wouldn’t sulk to my husband, I stayed out of it. And we don’t have to close that stinking pool this weekend. I’ll call it a win.
A friend made a good suggestion about offering specific chores rather than just saying “call if you ned help”. For example, a neighbor lamented not knowing what to do with clutter of husband’s unused meds. She said put them in a box, and I’ll come take them away (and then she disposed at a drugstore med discard kiosk). I’ll be trying to think of more concrete ways to help overwhelmed caregivers.
Mom was taken from her AL facility to the ER late today; it appears she has yet another septic UTI (this makes an unbelievable 5 since May). Both Preferred and I are far away on travel; he is returning home to help Local but I won’t be back until later this week bc we are going to detour to do the family work Preferred is now unable to do.
She will be admitted for observation, fluids, and antibiotics. They did a CT w contrast to rule out a blood clot and in the process somehow a radiologist recommended a mammogram as a follow up to “clarify” an image. Mom is a cancer survivor and it is SO ANNOYING to constantly intercept these sorts of garbage test requests. It’s the clips from her surgery. Always. Read the stupid medical history.
Also, after three rounds of interviews, unemployed S2 was not offered the job (but he was “a top choice” they said, as if that helps) and is crushed, and so am I. It’s been a lot today. Isn’t that how it always goes? Just like, 2 seconds of normal followed by 2 days of unpleasant surprise?
Maybe they should put your mom on daily antibiotics like I’m on? I’ve taken 50 mg Macrobid every day for over 20 years. My urologist said that people don’t become resistant to it. I have a breakthrough infection once every few years, but otherwise I would have one constantly. They ran lots of tests and just said the bacteria sticks to my urinary tract like Velcro.
I’m sorry for your tough day. Things do seem to come in waves.
I wonder about that too – they gave her Cipro, and will send her back home with a prescription for a week of Macrobid…it will clear up, and in 10 days it will be back again. The hospital is tiny, rural, and they really don’t do “different”. THey have a playbook, and stick to it. Or maybe I am just tired. Anyway, telling her to drink more water, and putting giant cups of it next to her just doesn’t work. Explaining it to her doesn’t work. She can’t remember this new routine of drinking water, is afraid she’ll drop the giant styro cup, can’t get up to reach it…you all know the drill. I am three states away at the moment and am loathe to text Local with any advice since medical is not their thing and so already is well outside their comfort zone.
Mom is very invested in “not being a problem”. The opposite end of the spectrum from those of you with the stubborn, outspoken, argumentative parents – the stubborn, secretive, overly passive parent. DH is correct in that this is likely to be our family pattern for quite some time and I just have to get used to it.
I had a neighbor who had chronic UTI’s, they also put her on a regimen of a low dose antibiotic.
Is there a urologist that she can be referred to?
My neighbor was also a cancer survivor and thought that treatment was what contributed to the problem.
Also older adults don’t feel thirst like we do. My older parents drink very little liquid of any sort. It’s a bit frustrating because that’s what keeps away the UTI’s
She does have a urologist, picked him up during the last hospitalization. She is already scheduled for a second cystoscopy in early October, and while I would love for them to move that up and do it now while she is admitted , she probably isn’t well enough for that.
Lesson for all of us is develop this habit of drinking water while we are younger. DH and his family are crazy-regular water people and I am so grateful to have acquired the habit through him.
It seems totally unacceptable to me that they wouldn’t put her on Macrobid. UTIs are dangerous for elderly people. And yeah, they don’t drink enough. It’s a constant battle for my dad’s caregivers to get him to hydrate sufficiently. Ugh, I wish I could think of something you could do.
That’s what all those Stanley cups are for these days!!
I’m a terrible drinker. Always have been - just don’t reach for liquids or even if it’s in front of me I’m a sipper. But having a easy to tote (not GIANT) sipper cup has helped me to drink more.
Although there have been instances of my tiptoeing into this realm, my surviving parent has been pretty okay. But last week she had a fall and we’ve been staying with her since since she broke her dominant wrist and also badly bruised her leg so that she is very unstable on her feet and mainly needs to use a wheelchair to get around. So I spent most of a day with her at the ER, a different half day at the doctor, and my spouse stayed with her for her surgery on Friday. My spouse and I alternated working from home for yesterday and today but we generally aren’t supposed to have more than one work from home day/week. On Sunday she was thinking that maybe she would be strong enough for us to go home tonight, but I’m not overly optimistic since she can’t open her medications, has a hard time getting water from the fridge, and I’m not optimistic about her being solid enough on her feet to put food in the microwave and take it out or to reach any milk in the fridge to pour herself a bowl of cereal.
So trying to juggle not having all of our stuff (and with a kid with executive functioning issues, there’s some stuff at our house and others at my mom’s house and…it’s a struggle) and knowing that this may just be the beginning. And my mom was saying that she’s feeling old and I had to tell her that although I love my grandmother (who’s 101), I don’t want my grandmother to outlive my mom. And my mom keeps saying she’s going to retire, but then keeps pushing back her retirement date (kind of like my grandfather who “retired” at 65 and then went back to work the next day as a consultant and kept at it until he was 90). Except that my mom is self-employed and I worry about her practice/clients if something happens to her in the middle of the workstream (especially since my spouse helps her part-time with her practice…I see a big load going in his direction if she’s not able to select her own retirement date). And we’re the only local kids, as everyone else is across the country. So my aunt helps with my grandmother a few days a week, but I see the potential of taking care of my mom and my grandmother plus my own household and still working and I’m just…tired and worried. And my birthday’s tomorrow and I don’t even feel like celebrating.
So, nothing much to add, but just venting and hoping to learn from you experienced folks.
