My friend had her grandmother come stay with her to give her mom a break. They all thought it would be a few weeks but it turned into many years. My friend ended up quitting her job and hiring a caregiver to watch grandma 2 nights a week so my friend could know she could sleep on those 2 nights. It was still exhausting but allowed her to do what she needed to do to try to preserve HER health.
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My friend was happy to be relieving her mom but it was exhausting for her and her H. Grandma lived past 100! Her mom is now in her 90s! She thought the caregiving was too much for her mom & Chicago winters, etc.
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SILās dad has Parkinsons and has had some very good results with being with a Neurology Specialist that focuses on Parkinsons. They have to travel about 1 1/2 hours for those appointments, but once on the right blend of medications, do not have to go often.
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Here we go.
Monday (SMom): Weāre meeting with hospice today.
Me: Who will be with you?
SMom: no one.
Tuesday: (SMom) Iāve been trained by hospice.
Friday (SMom) Every time (your father) complains, they give him morphine. Who gave those orders? I donāt know.
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Brother 2 (B2?) Is on the way north today and will visit for 2-3 hours tomorrow before heading south again. Itās a 10 hour drive for him.
Depending on what he tells me, I may go Weds-Friday. (Hotel rooms are super expensive next weekend).
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My continuing feeling is that this AL facility accepted them while Dad really needs skilled nursing. This sense is enforced by the fact that hospice turned him down on two prior evals since March, but at soon as he was transferred to this AL, heās now a a hospice patient. And the AL facility is content because his rent is paid and with morphine on board heās less work for them.
They have prescribed morphine for back pain! I assert that if he was 35, they would use a medication somewhere between Tylenol and morphine.
Also, heās on nasal oxygen, so morphine also decreases respirations? And causes constipation, already a problem for him.
Iām tired and Iām not in charge (and thatās a problem for me!)
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Morphine? Not tramadol?
They are using the term Morphine. Wish I had more info. When I go up this week, Iām going to strongly encourage SMom to put me on the list of people staff can talk to.
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H and SIL switched hospice companies because they were giving MIL opioids. Apparently, MIL would complain of pain because she was having trouble sleeping & knew that they would give her something really strong if she said she hurt. At almost 98, I guess she wasnāt worried about addiction ā¦ but being on such strong medication has really bad side effects, like falling. Which happened more than once. Itās hard to balance making someone comfortable with keeping them safe. Donāt hesitate to talk to other hospice providers if you find that the current one doesnāt meet your needs.
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My mil called today.
We are going to a baby shower next weekend. I thought my bil was driving us, my husband offered to drive but he hasnāt heard back from his brother.
The shower is 3.5 hours away from us but 1.5 hours away from my milās house. It starts at 11 am
I told her multiple times that we are coming the day before because we canāt get there in time from our house and pick her up.
Today she says that she will be ready when I get there next Saturday.
She didnāt remember we were coming the day before. She didnāt remember when the shower starts even though sheās called me at least 6 times about this stinking shower. She didnāt remember that her other son is driving us (I think since no one told us otherwise). She asked if my husband was coming? Even though we had a big conversation about him coming last week. She asked what we like on our pizza even though my husband has had the same thing on his pizza since I met him over 50 years ago.
Is this what memory loss looks like? You remember some things, not others. Forget a conversation youāve told her at least twice? And does your husband and his sibling try hard that nothing is happening?
I wonāt even go into my last conversation with my mom except to say that I am feeling the sandwich generation really hard
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The way memory was described to me is that itās like a filing cabinet ā the oldest memories get pushed to the back, while the new memories are filed in the front. And then when we lose memories we lose them in reverse order. The new ones go first, which is why they ask patients who is the president (no idea), but they remember all sorts of things from their youth.
Today is the year anniversary of my momās death. I dreamed about her last night ā neither good nor bad. Just about cleaning out her house. I suppose that indicated a wrapping up of things.
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When my mother was in the early stages of her dementia, I really enjoyed talking to her on the phone. She told me stories from her youth that Iād never heard before. They seemed to be authentic. But around the same time, she asked me if I thought my sister was pregnant bc she looked like sheād gained weight. My sister was 60 at the time. She also told the same sister that āI could do cartwheels when I was your ageā when my Sister had been complaining that she was physically unable to do something my mother wanted.
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My husband is staying in the town where his mom lives this weekā¦local sibling is out of the country. So far, the week has been up and down. He has only seen her long enough to take her for some blood work. Supposedly he cooked dinner and they are having it with her caregiver tonightā¦but that was supposed to happen last night and got cancelled.
He stays at his sisterās house as there are (finally) 24/7 caregivers with MIL.
She has advancing dementia and will be 93.
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Thanks for the comments.
I always feel that sheās not good at listening because sheās always thinking about the next thing sheās going to talk about.
This was different. She called to ask why people were talking about Shadur Sanders. And talked about the popeās funeral.
But when my husband asked her about his dad who fell in the restaurant bathroom when we took them to lunch last week, it felt like a very generic oh yea he does that. He needs to take his walker everywhere. That felt somewhat off. She also wanted to know if wanted to go out to dinner. No! My fil was having issues at noon, I donāt think we want to repeat that later in the day!
But then it was as if we never had multiple conversations about the logistics of getting to the shower.
I talked to my husband, we can leave our house early, get to the shower in time. We wonāt stay the night because Iām not sure they are able to do those things. Staying at his brotherās or a hotel would not be acceptable to her. Even though that would be preferable to us.
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Best of luck on the travel logistics this weekend.
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Hi team,
My father died yesterday morning and Iām exhausted by spending two days making funeral plans etc. The funeral will be next weekend.
I was on the way to see my father in upstate NY. I spent Wednesday night in a Pennsylvania hotel, expecting to see him on Thursday. He died early Thursday morning; I continued my trip north to take care of the arrangements while POA/Executor brother played golf ā and is not planning to go north until the funeral.
Iāll be home tomorrow until Thursday when I will drive north again. I have checklists and tasks. Iāll probably add more to this over the weekend.
More to follow!
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Iām so very sorry. How heartbreaking that you were on your way to see him.
Iām sending hugs your way. 
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Iām so sorry for your loss @mom22039 May your happy memories of your dad provide you with comfort.
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So very sorry to hear this. It strikes me that you addressed your post , āhi teamā - you were clearly on your dadās team and I bet he was so so grateful. Be safe in your travels. 
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Well, damn. Iām so sorry.
Iām glad you consider us part of your team. My thoughts are with you.
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Iām so sorry for your loss. 
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So sorry for your loss. Also sorry your brother has not been more helpful during your stressful funeral prep. Hope you get some good rest.
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