I’m so sorry for your loss. How difficult, to be travelling to see him when he passed.
May you take good care and take time to recover. May helpful people help you at each step.
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I am very sorry for your loss. And sorry your brother doesn’t seem to be more helpful.
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Hugs to you 
Wishing you peace as you navigate the coming days.
You have had a lot these past few years and I hope you get comfort knowing you gave 110%
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Please remember to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
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@Mom22039 How heartbreaking to be traveling. I am sending a team hug and much sympathy.
There are also good threads on estates, and bereavement. Support can be just a click away.
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@Mom22039 my sympathies
I don’t know what others believe.
When my dad passed, he did a couple of days after I left and a time when my mom had gone to the cafeteria to get something. He had been moved to a nursing home recently.
I feel that he waited until no one was there to ease the burden. That was my dad.
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My mom chose to die at 3am, when no family was around. She had given her hugs and told us she loved us earlier in the week. She wanted to join dad in heaven and not cause any of us extra pain, I believe.
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My mom and brothers had left the room, and my sisters told dad it was OK to depart, and he did.
My mom waited till my brother and sister left the bedside to depart.
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My MIL waited to die when nobody was in the room. Same happened with DH’s grandmother many years ago.
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My mom waited until we were all engaged in a lively conversation. I noticed that she left us, but I waited until a break in the conversation out of respect for her.
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We were all called home (mom had a blood clot).
Each of us got the first possible flight and she died before we could land.
For my father, I saw him the first weekend in April, POA brother was there for Easter, Other brother was there on Sunday and I was on my way for a Thursday/Friday visit. My brother caught Dad’s rally on Sunday.
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I’d like to add some info on the recent move to Brookdale. This facility, licensed in NYS, could provide Enhanced Assisted Living. They asserted that Hospice would be available, and could manage the end at Brookdale.
It turns out they really couldn’t handle the end. Hospice wanted to move my father to their own facility (a building with a total of 6 beds for two counties). He was scheduled to move at 1:00 PM. He didn’t make it.
Part of the concern (or my annoyance) with Brookdale, is that they really couldn’t handle end of life with two people in the room. Because of licensing requirements, hospice could not move a hospital bed into the room. So, my father had to be treated in a double bed with his wife in the same bed.
I just think they weren’t honest about how they would (not) manage the end.
Once the final bill is paid, I will draft a review. Their security was poor. No one ever asked me to sign in — or even who I was as I walked through repeatedly. The residents’ room trash is only emptied twice a week (with soiled Depends in open waste cans!). When I was there on Thursday, I asked to have the medical equipment and tubing removed from the room. (They had not removed it by the time I did so on Friday). I left 5 bags of trash in the hall. When I asked to speak with staff on Friday, they asked me to wait, but did not follow up. I finally found the medication staff smoking outside and the executive director in a workroom (with copiers and such).
Also on Friday, we also set into motion moving SMom back to the facility she left in mid-April. That’s why I needed to arrange for her meds and talk with the executive director. She moved out Friday afternoon. Next week a moving van will pick up what remains.
Looking around, the facility was fine, but the staff was jaded. The meals looked unappetizing and it seemed that very few residents were conversing during meals.
My review will have a couple of positive notes (for balance!) but overall, it was not a place I would recommend to anyone.
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That sounds tough. Sorry for all the difficulties. Best wishes for peace and stamina as you deal with things in the coming weeks. Down the road, we’ll want more feedback on your experiences as it helps us plan for our own parents.
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Brookdale looks like it’s a for-profit chain?
I saw a place like what you describe, for Memory Care. It was terrible! (Brookmead in Rhinebeck NY).
One small thing in all the poor care you describe – people with dementia really don’t talk at meals I found. Before Memory Care my mom was in Assisted Living (so, higher functioning) and no one spoke at meals there either. (And they had small dining rooms – e.g. 12 people in a dining room at the same table).(It was a Greenhouse Project facility).
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I am so sorry for your loss. You all sound like you are doing the best you can — that’s always enough. Sounds like the facility let you down in multiple ways but please don’t blame yourself for that. We can only make decisions as we go.
Take good care of yourself and each other in the months ahead, and as mentioned, there is an active bereavement thread as well. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
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People who are hard of hearing also tend to converse less.
My MIL has been in three facilities, each of which I would grade differently, but none even close to what you describe, @Mom22039. I’m so sorry that your loved ones experienced that. I don’t understand the issues with hospice and with a hospital bed. My FIL & MIL were in the same room . They brought in a hospital bed for him & hospice took care of him up to & including the end (maybe there’s some fire or other type of safety rule and your dad’s room was too small?). Rules are rules, and I get that, but it sounds like they misled you. It made a difficult situation even more difficult, and that’s not fair. Hugs to you.
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My dad is at a Brookdale facility in Austin. It’s been wonderful for him. We have no complaints.
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I understand Brookdale is a national chain. A friend’s dad had a good stay in Denver (but amusingly, his wife chose another location for herself — she didn’t want to be with him!).
I wish I knew how much of this was corporate directions, local management, or state requirements.
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My BiL sent DH a frantic text about their mother, who has been coming down with the same pneumonia-like symptoms on a cyclical and recurring fashion since last Thanksgiving. Her doctors keep saying it is walking pneumonia, give her antibiotics, rinse repeat. She has a cough and it eventually escalates to breathless and trouble swallowing – like she’s drowning. Apparently she is sickagain (we saw her two weeks ago and she was fine) and FiL is in a panic.
FiL won’t take her to a doctor unless the sons really push for that. He’s offended they thinkhe can’t take care of her, but she told me today she is having a CT scan todayor tomorrow. No idea if that is true. No idea if she has long covid or something worse. It’s exasperating; DH talked to his brother last night and they concluded this is no emergency, but likely their attempt to lay the groundwork for not coming to our son’s wedding this summer. (They could just tell us it is too much for them and it would be okay, DH has told them before) No idea. Wehave long thought she should be evaluated for Parkinson’s but FiL refuses, saying she couldn’t possibly be that sick.
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What about congestive heart failure or kidney disease?