Man, I wish my parents had secret money, although they did own some land. I just got the appraisal on it, and it’s gone up 75% this year so this parcel might be a nice chunk if we ever decide to sell it.
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My FIL kept a very detailed notebook, which my SIL (local sib) has somehow lost in her basement. She took that and the contents of the safety deposit box when they moved MIL closer to them after FIL died - she claims to not know what happened to any of it. It really irks me that MIL wouldn’t let H & me take care of the financial details … FIL knew that H was the better choice, and he wanted him to be in charge, but MIL had her own ideas once FIL was gone. Fortunately, there is a bank trustee named as final executor. But BIL wondered out loud recently about what the trustee would be paid, and the fact that it will reduce the amount that the kids inherit seems to bother him … if MIL changes her will to remove the bank trustee and instead names SIL, we’ll have a big mess on our hands someday.
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Dad’s attorney said we need to choose a first and second alternate for POA. He told me we needed Dad’s consent, but it was fine for me to get it from him over the phone. So I called Dad and he sounds good. He was fine with the alternates I selected. His caregiver and patient advocate are taking him down to Chase today, so I’m hoping they can get everything straightened out without my involvement. His patient advocate is hoping he has a good day and is alert enough for the bank’s satisfaction.
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Hope it all got straightened out. Sounds like a good idea to have POA alternates. Is it set up so any of you can sign?
My very favorite POA “conversation” was with Bank of America. My kid was overseas for 27 months and I had POA to act on her behalf here while she was gone. Her credit card was compromised. B of A said they needed my POA. I had gotten about 10 notarized copies when we did this signed by both DD and me. I sent them one.
A couple of weeks later, I called the dedicated number they gave me to then try to resolve the issue. Here is how the conversation went:
B of A: we need your POA.
Me: I mailed it to you two weeks ago.
B of A: you mailed it to the wrong PO Box. (Wrong on that too…)
Me: well…if you know it was sent to the wrong PO Box, clearly it was at B of A someplace. Where is it NOW?
B of A: you will need to send us another POA
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After 2 weeks of silence, I took the opportunity when emailing my FiL with dates we will be away, to ask, how did MiL’s CT scan go? (She has been quite unwell off and on for weeks if not months with respiratory problems)
His answer was it shows “something we do not believe and we prefer to not discuss it at this time” smh.
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Goodness. That is not encouraging and also hard to digest that they would not want to share with immediate family.
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Well that was informative!
Ah so I see your FIL is in the land of “I don’t believe any doctors anymore” just like my dad is. That’s super fun…not!
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The exasperating part is he is alternating between she is terribly sick and they need todo something, insisted the CT be done right away when they scheduled it for late June — and now they don’t “believe” the conclusion. Whatever it is.
She is having episodes of breathlessness , is more and more disoriented and irrational, has a cough that won’t go away. Turn of the year, she was bedridden from fatigue. DH says he is resigned that we will have no role or information so I am trying to get that attitude – my family is very upfront about medical things w/o being dramatic, so this is just so weird for me.
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I believe that people have the right to choose not to treat a condition, but this doesn’t sound like that is what is happening. How frustrating. 
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Hopefully they (or doctors) have a oximeter and checked oxygen reading. My mother had been in need of external oxygen for a while before we realized this. (It was during Covid, so I was not doing in-person visits.)
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Also not all oximeters are equal. There are good Nonin oximeters on ebay for under $30 that I’d trust way more than cheap ones online and at the pharmacy. Nonin is a name brand that is used in medical settings.
Nowadays, you can travel with supplemental O2 if you have the correct equipment and know what you’re doing. There are multiple portable oxygen concentrators that can meet many folks needs.
runningonair.org has lots of great info on supplemental oxygen.
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My mother calls me the morning rambling about me gaslighting her. A month ago, I picked up a Vitamin D Rx for her that the Orthopedist ordered due to her low Vitamin D levels and DEXA scan showing Osteoporosis. No shock, she is 94! Mom decided she didn’t want to take it until after she saw the Endocrinologist, which was last week. He agreed to the dose ordered, but went ahead and put in another Rx.
Mom insists I never gave her the medication, which I absolutely picked up and took to her place. When there yesterday I did a quick look, but didn’t find it. NBD, I will pick up the other RX for the big $9 for a year. Today she says she told me to get a specific whipped cream cheese, but I brought her the one with smoked salmon. When she gave me her grocery list, she said cream cheese and went on and on about the smoked salmon one she got the last time; how much she enjoyed it. Silly me, I assumed she wanted more of the same!
I am happy to admit when I am wrong, but geez, give me a break! I know for a fact I picked up the medication and took it to her apartment; the cream cheese I guess I shouldn’t have assumed.
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That’s super frustrating. Hang in there!
I find that the stubbornness and obstinate behavior is one of the most frustrating aspects when dealing with an elder parent.
We are confused. My mil says she’s having knee problems. She makes an appointment to have it looked at. The day of the appointment, the knee feels better so she cancels. She doesn’t want to take anything. Then she makes another appointment because that day her knee hurt.
I am truly perplexed
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I’m sorry for all those dealing with confusing and difficult elders. My dad always told us he felt lousy and we had to ask him questions to find out if it was “normal” lousy or new and worse lousy in a way we could translate to MDs.
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Lordy. My mom: the growth on her hand is all better, she doesn’t need the follow up appointment. Also my mom: the growth on her arm is worse, maybe she needs the follow up appointment.
I think they have no time reference at some point, and are somewhat lost as to where/when things are happening. or something. We are forever saying “we have an appointment, we are keeping the appointment”
Update on the MIL – dx is COPD. Yes, giant secrecy and aversion over the world’s most common dx for elderly people. FiL says it can’t possibly be that, it’s just a cold she can’t seem to shake. (DH commended his dad for seeing the doctor) Oy.
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My dad called COPD allergies. I think he was embarrassed.
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It was suggested the my MIL needs a new IPad. Reason? Maybe she will be able to do FaceTime with folks. Plus, close sibling is finding that folks are sending things like pictures to her…then she goes over to show MIL. MIL also has one of those great photo frames and a different sibling manages those remotely, adding pictures that are sent.
I politely said…the IPad needs to be on and ready for use to receive FaceTime calls. At least that’s what happens here. They will be using wifi, not a data plan for the IPad.
MIL will not be using this at all herself. The caregivers all have iPhones and will manage this.
Anyone have thoughts one way or the other?
DH has been tasked with choosing the IPad and ordering it. He doesn’t use an IPad🤷🏻♀️