My husband came home, I think his mother was mollified enough that she didn’t mention anything.
I talked about my fil’s confusion over in the retirement thread so I won’t rehash it.
My mil fell last week in her yard. Local sibling is a doctor and checked her out, saying that nothing was broken.
We came over the weekend, thought local sibling was going to come over to see us. He stopped by to drop off his dog and left in a hurry.
My husband is a bit hurt because he’s reached out to local sibling to discuss some things that are going on. I think that local sibling forgot, didn’t get back to my husband, he has a lot that he’s dealing with outside of his parents.
It’s hard to really know what is happening. I think local sibling and his mother had words about her fall and her insistence to stay in their home. But it’s hard to know when everyone likes to pretend that nothing is going on.
I just had lunch with a friend, and she shared her concerns about her mom. Her mom fell twice in one day, and she was unable to get up unassisted either time. She didn’t tell my friend about either fall at first. She spent the night on the floor after the second fall and finally called my friend in the morning to ask for help. Her mom is always coming over to my friend’s house (she runs my friend’s teenage D to/from school and activities), so she hadn’t been in her mom’s apartment in a long time. She said she couldn’t believe what a mess it is - not a little messy, but messy and dirty. Her mom is in her early 70’s, so she is not that old … but I told her that my mom’s dementia started in her early 70’s. Hopefully, that’s not the case with her mom, but she is going to watch her closely. She had her mom move in with them until her broken ankle heals, so she will be able to watch her. She plans to have her mom get a very thorough physical evaluation, but she would like to assess her closely for a bit first. There had been a discussion on another thread about what age is old … and while I know lots of very vibrant people in their 70’s, I also know some who are beginning to experience age-related issues at that age. It’s tough to watch someone so young start to go downhill.
When you see someone every day but not for a long time, it might be hard to see a difference. But see them for a longer period of time, you might be able to see how much they have changed. It’s harder to deceive in the long run.
That’s not really the boiling frog analogy now that I think about it. I won’t change it because it makes me laugh!
Sometimes I think that’s the problem with local sibling. He sees his parents every day, but not for long and hates to intervene. Also it’s hard to intervene when my in laws are stubborn as mules. Won’t take advice and want to control all the situations.
Yep - my mom was 70 when she died, and she had pretty severe dementia. I have pickleball friends who play 3 times a week at close to 80, and if I didn’t know I would assume were 60ish.
Just so everyone knows—according to a study those frogs won’t sit around in the hot water–they hop right out immediately. So a very unscientific analogy at any rate.
The title company working on the sale of my dad’s house found a person with his name listed with a lien of $35,000 for child support and asked me if it was Dad. Uh, that person has a different social security number and was born 18 years after my dad. Why would they even bring it up? I guess it’s CYA, but really? It must be tough to have a very common name.
Ugh, that’s tough. My husband’s name is fairly common. When we were selling our first house, a guy came to look at it and when we asked him his name, he said “MrMLH,” and we said, “No, what’s YOUR name?” and it was actually MrMLH. We had a good laugh and agreed it would probably not be a good idea for him to buy the house.
Talked to my mom this morning. My sibling took mom on a trip to mom’s hometown, a couple of hours from where they live, for a burial for my uncle who passed away. Mom was in a great mood having seen her sisters.
My sibling is doing a good job helping mom. Sibling and daughter are going on a 3 week trip later this month. My sibling didn’t tell mom she had this trip planned, her daughter did. For whatever reason, sibling won’t tell mom her plans. I know what my sibling would say, she doesn’t want mom to judge her for going. Mom is not going to judge but it would be nice if we knew that they were going to be out of town. Sibling did this another time, went on a cruise to Antarctica. Didn’t say anything. No one cares!
Mom is not going to be driving. I told her she can use uber, mom has an iPhone, I know my niece would help mom set it up.
Mom says she doesn’t feel comfortable. There is also bus service in her independent living place. She did the same thing at her other independent living place, except that she had lots of friends who would help.
This is what frustrates me a lot. My mom wants people to cart her around, she knows she shouldn’t be driving but won’t do anything to help herself. I guess it’s her problem, not mine.
I really hope that when the time comes, I will be willing to be flexible and to do things to help my caretaker.
My MIL was the exact same way. Refused to use Uber unless my DH set it up for her ahead of time AND she could meet the Uber driver IN PERSON ahead of time. Like, she wanted to know them personally. Said all the time about various things that “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” Or my favorite: “We’ll see,” which really means she was saying no.
My MIL really wanted to be chauffeured around by her son all the time. Didn’t want to use a van service. Didn’t want to use a public transportation dial-a-ride type of service. Didn’t want to use Uber or Lyft. Refused to do all of those things. A friend at her church offered to start driving her everywhere, so they spent a heck of a lot of time together the last 4 yr my MIL was alive.
My mom was forced to use the local taxi in their small town, and she tipped well, and the drivers liked her. She wanted to continue doing her grocery shopping and hair appointment/nail appointment schedule. Brother lived close and he also took her places. Mom died in 2010 at age 77 but she was able to stay in her home as she desired. For about a year she had live in cook/housekeeper; declining dementia and once she was evaluated for Hospice, came home from hospital and died at home 4 days later with hospital bed and Hospice care with two of my siblings at bedside.
I understand how frustrating these logistics can become… Don’t know if it’s helpful, but I’ve seen Uber feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable for more ‘senior’ seniors, some of whom lack self confidence around relying on their technical skills for a task that felt high stakes. I found that asking my folks’ senior community admins if they were familiar with any drivers yielded a detailed list of several people, including a couple of staff members there that I knew in a different capacity. I lived nearby and could usually get them places, but wanted the list in case something came up when I was unavailable. It was mutual peace of mind.
We were lucky there were 7 of us kids and most of us have some flexibility in our schedules so we could handle our folks’ transportation needs. Asking around and having a handy list of alternate drivers that the elders are comfortable with sounds like a great idea.
My SIL is the local sib, and she’s been undergoing chemotherapy every three weeks since the beginning of the year. She has one session left. She has had a lot of trouble, particularly mentally, handling her situation (which has an excellent prognosis). Her H has been helping with MIL’s basic needs. A lot has been happening that I won’t get into. I stay out of all of it, and I no longer bother trying to contact SIL because I’m tired of being ignored. H isn’t handling things very well, but as I said, I stay out of it.
This past week, SIL posted something on Facebook about being part of a group for people with stage 4 cancer. Our understanding has been that she was diagnosed at stage 1, and as recently as our visit last month we were told that the tumor has shrunk so much that she may not need surgery. So I sort of blew off the group thing. However, H hasn’t spoken to his S or her H in several weeks. I finally brought it up the other day … H, do you think your S found out unexpected bad news? Because if she did, we really need to make arrangements to move your mom by us. H said yeah, and that was the end of it.
Ugh. I really wish H would communicate with his sister. I refuse to take the lead on this.
He knows that if she really is stage 4, we have no choice but to move his mom. It would be really hard on her, but there’s no way we could expect his S and BIL to deal with MIL and S’s situation. But H is putting off finding out what is going on - I guess because he figures if he doesn’t know, he doesn’t have to face it. If she doesn’t tell him, he doesn’t know, right? I’m going to have to broach it again this week , because he really needs to find out what is happening. SIL could very well be the same as she was & we may be reading too much into her post. I would feel better knowing for sure, but it’s his family.
Husband has an uncle in his 80s who, it appears, should probably no longer be driving. H is in uncle’s neck of the woods this week while attending a work conference and there was drama in meeting up w/aunt & uncle. Uncle drove 45 mph on the freeway, 15 mph on city streets in 35 mph zones, and even would stop in the middle of an intersection.
Oh and the day before, both aunt & uncle temporarily lost both sets of keys to their car.
Aunt & uncle still think they’re going on a multi-week cross country road trip. Aunt is about 10 yr younger than Uncle. H and his sister are staying out of it. Aunt & uncle don’t have kids.
There’s no point in trying to reason with the uncle. He likes to debate, bicker, and argue. Although H did tell Aunt that Uncle should not be driving anymore. H thought several times that somebody was going to rear end them.
I’m wondering how others help their children come to terms with the reality of their grandparents declining health.
My kids don’t live close so they don’t see their grandparents often.
My daughter in particular, seems to think that my in laws are able to host them like they did when they were younger. It doesn’t help matters that my mil is equally deluded that she can host. She is having trouble coming to terms with her aging also.
My daughter is coming later this year. She saw her grandparents at her wedding last year.
I feel like I’m the bad person, trying to tell both parties that an afternoon visit is about all the grandparents are up for these days.
My husband and I live 2 hours away so we have to travel to my husband’s parents. My daughter seems to think that we should go there for an overnight visit. I just can’t see this going well and my husband agrees.
I’m going to have my husband talk to our daughter. Should I just be ok with being the bad guy? Any advice is appreciated and welcomed.
Said all the time about various things that “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” Or my favorite: “We’ll see,” which really means she was saying no.