If you & your husband choose to say something to your daughter about it, it should be your husband to be the bearer of bad news since it’s about HIS parents, not yours.
And then once your husband talks to your daughter about it, if daughter still opts to proceed with an overnight visit at her grandparents’ place, let her. She’s an adult and she will then be able to see the reality of the situation right there in person. If anybody tries to strong arm you into joining them all, make sure you’re too busy to go on whatever selection of dates they all propose.
OR if you DO decide to join them, make sure that you get your own hotel room and you don’t spend the night at the ILs’ place. If daughter still wants to stay overnight at her grandparents’ place, that’s fine…you’ll be in the hotel close by.
Is your daughter expecting to stay (overnight) at the GP’s house? If so I would just be honest in saying that while GP will be so happy to see her, she may she will need to do more accommodating her than them accommodating/entertaining her. I would drop small hints/circumstances between now and then to daughter to give examples of these. “This weekend when your dad and I went to visit GP we all decided to go out to eat, but man, it might have been just easier to order in something because it was quite an ordeal to get them ready and into the restaurant with a seat!”
The part about you and your H visiting at the same time, that’s up to you but might also be good support for your daughter as she sees up close and personal the changes in her GP’s. But maybe you do it while staying at a hotel for sleeping time!
Editing to say and I would also explain to D that you won’t be staying at GP as an overnight guest because that would really be too much for them to handle - that is being honest! They probably don’t need 3 or more guests on hand to throw havoc into their daily and nightly routine!
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being honest with your children about your concerns and what you are seeing with their grandparents.
I have to say that I typically weave in a regular grandparent update when talking to my daughter so she’s kept in the loop. She’ll be going alone to see her grandparents at the end of the summer and I’ve been clear with her that she’ll need to do a lot of stepping up to help with cooking/stripping beds/carrying conversation, etc… (and my inlaws are doing pretty well).
Daughter is flying and won’t be renting a car so we will be driving her and her husband.
They don’t fly out until 3:15 from an airport that I think has 4 gates, we can get to in laws early and still have lunch before we take them to the airport.
Daughter said we could rent an Airbnb if we wanted.
We can stay at my bil’s, he has plenty of room. Daughter thinks we should go the day before, stay the night and then go to the airport the next day. That’s a long visit for 90 year olds.
The problem is my mil! It’s like taking away the car keys (which is also an issue). My mil will INSIST that we MUST spend the night at her house! She will not take kindly to staying at my bil’s which is the best solution. And my bil would be delighted.
My husband and I avoid the issue by only staying for the day. The problem is his mother and there is no reasoning with her.
My MIL insisted that her six kids and their families spend a long weekend at their home every summer. And this was when both MIL and FIL were in good health and a lot younger.
Still…it was too many people in the same place for too long.
We started staying at a nearby Holiday In Express and got a lot of flack…but funny…when we were checking in, two of DHs siblings and their families were right behind us.
Rent an Airbnb that can accommodate all the visitors. Just tell them point blank that NO ONE is staying with the in-laws. You can plan to get there for breakfast, and spend the day…but the in-laws just can’t be responsible for hosting anyone at this point.
It’s just the first time doing this that has the potential to cause some hard feelings. But the key is to spend decent quality time with the grandparents, right? And that might be better if all stay elsewhere.
It would be much easier to drive from our own house and see them from 9-1:30. Which is plenty of time for 2 grandparents. Or stay with my bil who literally lives one quarter of a mile away. And has 2 very nice guest rooms.
This situation reminds me of my own parents. My sibling’s husband was very sick for a long time. They had young children. My parents came to help but there became a time when they had trouble getting up the steps of the house. Kept getting lost getting the kids to daycare or school.
My sibling finally had to tell them that I needed to come, she didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with their problems and her husband’s. My parents were very upset for a long time. They wanted to be helpful, but they couldn’t come to terms that they weren’t.
It’s also my husband’s parents. That he needs to deal with but doesn’t. You know like taking the car keys away.
Thanks for all the help, I do really appreciate it.
Advice columnists will say make your own boundary. Say to your daughter “we are staying with BiL because that is what we feel is best for GP and us. You’ll need to rent a car or otherwise rethink this”
But of course, then people are mad. I do think your best course is to present the plan to GP as a done deal, with the broken record of “I know you want us to stay with you, but we are trying something different this time” and change the subject. Or do the “we decided this, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore, it will all be fine”
lots of “I” messages. "I am not staying with GP because H and I think it is just too much. "
Your H is letting the side down, definitely. You know you’ll have to choose between the train wreck when you don’t intervene, or the temporarily unhappy people if you do. It’s lousy to be stuck in the middle with a bunch of passive aggressive deniers!! But commend yourself privately on wanting better for everyone Hugs and a bowl of ice cream to you
My daughter said we could rent an Airbnb if the grandparents can’t host.
It’s not can’t, it’s shouldn’t. My husband doesn’t like to upset the AppleCart, ie his mother. That’s his issue. He needs to talk to our daughter and will.
I feel in the middle. Not really my favorite thing.
We have talked to our kids for a while about the declining health of their grandparents. I think they “see” them as they were 15 years ago. Not now.
We are happy that our kid wants to see their grandparents, the logistics become more complex.
Tell your MIL that “you’ll see them in the morning” and let them assume that means that you are driving in that day when in reality you get there the night before and stay wherever you prefer – BIL’s house, Airbnb, hotel, whatever. Or when you leave whenever, let them think that you are going home. I am a little confused by the timeframe, but the idea holds. When we had to close on my mom’s house, there was a chance of heavy rain all day, and I didn’t want to make the seven-hour roundtrip in the rain so I drove in the night before and stayed in a hotel without telling my sister and brother. I got alone time at mom’s house the morning of the sale and didn’t have to manage anyone else’s feelings but mine. Just an idea. You can make decisions that respect your boundaries, and you can do it without advertising it.
In terms of your dd, I’d be frank so that she isn’t caught off guard by their decline.
Lastly, I know that your dh should be handling this, but this might be one of those instances where I ask, Do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem? Sometimes the juice of hoping dh will finally step up isn’t worth the squeeze, especially knowing how sensitive he is about his aging parents.
Some states have where you can put in a DMV type of complaint about a particular driver - and some states have it where you can do it anonymously.
If you know the uncle’s medical provider, or if a sibling can follow up. I doubt that the aunt will do anything based on what you said about him liking to debate, bicker and argue.
My mom forfeited her license after an accident, and she tried to get it back. A lot of people wrote in on the prescribed form, and she actually scheduled an appointment for behind the wheel test. My enabling brother had lined up driving lessons with an off-duty sheriff deputy.
My sister knew the appointment date and called the testing center - told them to check ‘higher up’ because a number of complaints were made. They did cancel her tests, and she had a lawyer write to the state – he got a letter back that she would never be allowed to have a driver’s license in the State of WI.
Mom’s latest doctor appt was yesterday, she now has a bmi of 28.5. Local and Preferred dismiss her angst about having gained more weight as unimportant bc (in their view) there’s nothing to be done. When I bring it up, I get the verbal equiv of a shrug. She’s gained 30 pounds in the past year since moving to AL (and she was underweight, yes). In 6 more pounds she’ll be clinically obese. Both Local and Preferred are about 30 pounds or more overweight. They take her to McDonalds or Wendys probably once a week, sometimes twice. And I get their point that she is 92, enjoys those outings, and she’s too old not to enjoy things.
I am supplying clothes, since hers no longer fit and they were not noticing her coded messaging for new ones. It’s really starting to add up but they also drive her everywhere and buy her occasional things. I don’t know how to ask for reimbursement without offending them (Local manages her checking account). And anybody have sources for inexpensive clothes for an elderly woman who is barely 5’ tall? I am not buying her brands she is accustomed to (LLBean, Appleseeds) bc they are so expensive and she rejects lots of new things.
FWIW, the same thing happened to my mom when she moved into a facility. She was barely eating at home and fighting with my dad about what she wanted to eat, so was underweight when admitted. She put on 20 pounds in the first year and needed a whole new set of clothes (especially pants).
I have an elderly friend in nursing home. Her old neighbor has bought her a bunch of decent clothing at ARC thrift shop. Some even still had original price tags. I do imagine it took her some time to cull through all the racks to find decent items.
Tops and unfitted dresses can tolerate weight gain, but that is a lot gained ‘in the middle’ with being barely 5’ tall. Petite with wide indication for slacks/fitted bottoms be it skirt slacks shorts or other. One can have less expensive elastic type waist and have a shirt or top that does not tuck in - and that is comfortable and can tolerate weight gain in the mid-section. Non-fitted dresses - which she may have some that still work.
Be honest with local (preferred) who manages her checking account. “She rejects lots of new things” and also the brands she is accustomed to. That her weight gain has her clothes not fitting. Even a few pieces at full price add up.
IDK if Kohl’s is convenient - I take advantage of carrying their credit card and buying enough with grandkids and replacement clothes for DH and me to get the discounts. This past week I purchased 2 denim capri and 1 denim jeans for me (all wide in the fit), total price would have been $132, but with sales/markdown, 30% off event (for card holders), $20 Kohl’s cash from prior rewards (spend $50 and earn $10 Kohl’s cash) the total with tax was $52.88. The jeans full price was $52. They have petite sizes and wide on many styles. Once you know what fits and works for her. I avoid shipping charges by ordering enough or shopping in our local store. IDK if Target or WalMart would have anything to fit her needs with petite and wide.
At age 93, comfort and fit is key. Are you ‘close enough’ to have her try on things to see what fits/what doesn’t on a few pieces of bottoms and go through her wardrobe?
I’ve been told that most people gain weight when they move into CCRC IL, meal times are social and that’s a good thing. It becomes such a chore to shop and prepare food that having it there is such a relief.
I wouldn’t worry about the weight, as you say she’s 92.
She has money, she should be able to pay for her clothes. I’d ask your sibling. My husband wouldn’t think about that expense because he doesn’t understand buying those things. That shouldn’t be an expense you need to pay
I’m a short person, buying clothes on my size at a thrift store just doesn’t work. I’ve even tried to sell my stuff on consignment and was told that there isn’t a market for them.
Talbots is having 60% off 3 or more clearance items. I think some are an additional 20% off. I’d filter by size and show from low to high. You should be able to find some things pretty inexpensively
Lands end also has some pretty good sales. Finding petite clothing has become more difficult since the pandemic
Is there a nicer consignment or resale shop near you? I’d take a look there - your might even find like LL Bean clothing or similar - I have bought several LL Bean pieces resale. And then take them home wash them, fold them nicely and bring them to her in a pretty box or basket or something so they don’t necessarily look second hand or at least still desirable! And maybe just an outfit or 2 to start.
I remember just a few months before my mom died unexpectedly at 88 her telling me that she felt like she was gaining weight. Well, you couldn’t see it at all but perhaps when she looked in the mirror unclothed. But she told me that she was making sugar free jello for her snacks. I remember thinking “mom, just eat the small dish of ice cream!” Really, don’t worry about losing weight at this time! (But she truly did eat healthy otherwise).
My MIL has gained weight despite not eating much. She isn’t moving around, so she’s not expending energy to burn calories. Plus, she has congestive heart failure, and the diuretics only do so much. She used to hate it, but at 98, she no longer cares. SIL got her some petite pull on pants at Kohls & ordered some front-zip house dresses from Amazon.
My mom was also very figure conscious most of her life but the last 2-3 years of her ALZ, she didn’t care. She wanted things that were soft, easy to get on/off, and colorful. The rest of her life she was in dark colored dresses and high heals. We gave away so many beautiful things that she said were “ugly”.
My dad had a very hard time with that transition and was upset she was gaining weight and no longer wanting to color her hair. Thankfully the rest of the family was on the same page, as were the staff, and he finally came around to letting her eat what she enjoyed. The last year of her life she would only take meds if they were with ice cream.
Hugs and a bowl of ice cream to you