AAAArrrrrrggggggg. Your MiL is her own kind of frustrating. i think the only way your FiL could see about a different car is for your DH to do that part himself when he brings their car back (and it seems unlikely he’ll do that, correct?)
When we talk about my in laws and their various odd behaviors, DH and I now remind each other that these are “rev 2.0” versions of the people who raised him. So when they turn down an invite to the reharsal dinner our son (who they haven’t seen in a year) so they can eat with my BiL instead, we sigh and say “2.0”. And when they absolutely refuse to let us pick them up at the airport, which means there’s a 75% chance they will get lost in our rural state, we sigh and say “2.0”
The hard part is feeling judged. Your MiL is gonna hurt someone or herself and people will say “why are you letting her drive”, right? Like you haven’t tried to stop her. But maybe ask the local police if there is anything to be done? It’s so hard.
Some of my frustration is that my fil has been advocating to move. He knows his mobility is very limited, he knows he’s unable to do anything around the house.
My mil is the one who won’t even discuss moving.
Sigh
My husband is happy he was able to save his parents money and get their car repaired for much less than the dealership was quoting.
It’s his parents and he and his sibling are the ones who have to deal. I’m sort of a bystander in this process.
I’m venting and that’s helpful because I don’t like complaining to my husband. It’s not useful
In our state, you can report to the DMV but that report essentially goes in a big bin, and they randomly choose people to test once a year. Doctors can also certify someone is unfit but it has to be so obvious that most families will have taken the keys by then.
I’ve posted it before, but there’s a pretty helpful self-test to assist families in assessing driver skills in elders. But I think for @deb922 the issue is more a DH who doesn’t want to tackle a confrontation (and even if he did, the ability to do anything can be limited with stubborn adults)
H and I have been frustrated by the lack of communication from his sister, who is the local sibling. She is going through treatment for breast cancer, and she has not responded to H’s texts or calls. He wants to help with his mom as needed, but he doesn’t know what is going on.
SIL finally called him this weekend. She had such a terrible time after her most recent chemo that she made the decision not to complete the final two rounds. She didn’t want anyone questioning her, so she just didn’t respond to outreach. H told her that he is not going to question her decision, so she doesn’t need to worry about that with him. She’s going ahead with a mastectomy this week, followed by reconstruction. That will be followed by immunotherapy. He assured her that he will do what is necessary for his mom as his sister continues her treatment. She doesn’t want him to move her here, so he asked her to please at least be better about letting him know what’s happening with their mom. Hopefully, she will do that.
H wants to help, but we’re so far away. It’s difficult on all of them.
I think your SIL is very lucky in your H, and his willingness to not judge her, and provide whatever backup she wants or needs but on her terms. That’s a pretty awesome way to support her and your MIL, or at least, a really good place to start. Here’s hoping the journey is uneventful for you all.
I’m seeking advice. This past Sunday, my mom (84) had a minor car accident while trying to park in her church parking lot. Somehow she hit the parked car on the left side of the parking space near the front right side. No one was hurt thank goodness, but the other car had quite a damage due to its size (Corolla). I am not a car expert by any means, but I think bumper, hood, headlights, outer body panels will all have to be replaced. My mom’s Forester has a slight scratch.
I think it will be best to report to insurance and have them take care of it. She has been paying insurance for over 45 years without ever an accident. I told my mom that is why insurance exists. As I was about the report it, when my sis butted in and scared my mom that her policy rates will be increased so just pay for the other car’s damages out of pocket. Sis also told mom may lose her driver’s license given her age if reported to insurance. Since it was in a parking lot and no one was hurt, a police report was not made.
I understand that thinking paying out of pocket and she can afford it, but the owner of the car is quite incensed and wants this done ASAP. I made appointments at 2 different reputable auto body shops to get estimates and suggested she get a 3rd one from her choice of auto body shop. She (also 83) does not want to get multiple estimates and wants the national chain one to do it ASAP. I suspect the 2 different estimates will be similar ish, but this person is getting pushy and called my mom to bring her checkbook with her today at the first estimate appointment. My mom is very anxious about all of this. I’m incensed at the person, my sister and my mom for all butting in their own way and making all of this very complicated.
My gut says just reported to the insurance company and let them take care of it. If rates go up for mom, so be it. She’ll have to pay out of pocket for the repairs or pay more for insurance. I’m concerned that this person will not be satisfied no more how good the repairs are done and will come back with more grievances etc. She’s a church member my mom has known for a while.
Please share your thoughts and experiences you encountered in this type of situation. Thanks.
It’s a tough call. We’ve had our cars hit (not our fault!) multiple times over the past 5 years - just fender benders. The average cost was around $3000 - and we have cheap cars. Only once did the other driver want to go out of pocket, but once he saw the estimate, he turned it into his insurance.
My FIL OTOH hit multiple vehicles while in his 70s & early 80s. He always paid out of pocket. Never a problem that I know of.
I wouldn’t worry about the rates increasing as much as being dropped. Even after 45 years of no accidents, at 84 years old… I just don’t trust insurance companies. I wouldn’t worry so much about the license.
I guess it’s a gamble, who do you trust the least. And I am really sorry!!!
Find out what the estimate is. Sometimes they are surprisingly high. One of my kids parked in our yard, and somehow didn’t see the well and hit it going 5? miles an hour. It looked like just the bumper was damaged, but 2 estimates came in at $4,000 and $5,000 because there’s a lot of equipment behind the bumper it turns out. We are submitting to insurance!
A simple formula to consider is: If (Repair Cost - Deductible) < (Potential Premium Increase × 3 years), paying out of pocket might be more cost-effective.
Get a quote to see what you’re looking at. I’m betting it’s gonna be high (they all are). I’d personally let the insurance company handle it. They’ll tell you where to go for the estimates and take care of it from there. I know the person wants their car fixed (who wouldn’t?) but demanding your mom show up with her check book is a bit extreme and I’d worry that she’ll get her brakes done, a new transmission and an oil change done too on your mom’s dime. If it goes through insurance you won’t be dealing with her.
Did anyone take pictures of the damage to each car at the time? Any pictures of the accident at all?
It will be interesting to see what the estimates are. We were SHOCKED at the cost of our last repair. DH approached an intersection very gingerly because he knew it was icy, but wow, it was an ice skating rink. He was literally going only a couple of miles an hour as we slid through the intersection into a guard rail on the other side. It was a busy road, and almost unbelievable that we didn’t hit someone else. The damage to the guard rail was so slight that I can’t spot it when we drive by it now. Only the front right corner of the car was damaged at all. It didn’t even look that bad.
The repair cost was $6,500! They had to replace the entire front bumper and headlight. I was quite happy we had insurance. $6,500 would cover a lot of premium increases.
If the person your mom hit was being reasonable, then I would be all for getting an estimate and trying to decide which is the best course of action.
Unfortunately it does not sound like the person your mom hit is being reasonable. I might report to my insurance because then they deal with the other driver and not you.
I feel that so many things could go wrong trying to deal with all of this on your own.
As we age, some people can get really critical, emotional and have an unrealistic expectation of timing. They want things done NOW! I’ve experienced this with my elders in my family
Coincidentally, today we’re SUPPOSED to get the outcome of Capital One’s insurance company’s investigation into our car insurance claim. I’m very hopeful, but you never know. The repair bill was $3,500. Much cheaper in Poland than the US!
What really ticked me off is the person said the reason for bringing the checkbook is in case she dies before the car is repaired (according to my mom). I handle all my mom’s affairs and a lot of due diligence. It’s just so irritating when my know it all sis has to be butt in with I know better than you text messages and this other person’s comment.
One of the teens in the parking lot took the photo for mom since she doesn’t know how to take a photo without getting things focused, thumb blocking or just not taking a photo at all. lol, but not really lol. I’m just irked right now.
100%. My mom is a really a passive person and I think people just say really inappropriate things to her because they think they can get away with it.
The first appointment with one shop is today at 3 pm (it is a shop that our national insurance firm recommends. The 2nd appointment is Thursday. These are the earliest available appointments when I called yesterday. The person was not happy that appointments were not available yesterday.
I also suggested that 3rd estimate is welcome at the person’s choice of shop. She said no, not interested. Then calls back hours later that she thinks a Toyota shop may be better because of concerns about parts delay. I said she’s welcome to call her shop. Her response - “my phone is not working so I can’t call.” I wanted to say you’re calling me on your phone. I didn’t respond and she repeated her comment. I know she was asking me to find a Toyota specific body shop for her. I don’t think it’s my responsibility. I just ended the call saying I had an appointment so I couldn’t talk. Really???
An opposing pov: I park my car safely and come out to find disabling damage done by a little old lady who can’t manage her cell phone. Her daughters are pissed at each other and arguing about who will pay and I can’t get an answer because they haven’t even told the insurance company.
Just offering a way to see that the only way I would handle this is hand it all to the insurance companies. Refer any and all angry people to insurance. Blame insurance for all delays. Contest any outcomes with insurance, not with each other. Paying out of pocket exposes her to demands for more repairs. Give it all to the insurance company and remain so, so sorry for the inconvenience but , insurance says x y z .
I’m sorry this has happened! The priority here is to not wade into problem solving when she’s paid big insurance bucks to do just that.
An advantage to insurance agency is that it will be them on the hook for unanticipated cost overruns if estimator missed something or parts shortage etc
I would not be too worried about the premium increases because she may not be driving many more years.
