My aunt (dad’s sister) lived alone in her house on a steep hill. She was found after my brother broke into her place after her friend who was supposed to get together with her couldn’t get an answer to the door or phones. She had fallen and laid on the ground as she couldn’t get herself up (too frail) and couldn’t call for help.
She was hospitalized and then went to a nursing home and died soon thereafter in her 90s.
It is not uncommon for people to continue living alone long after it is safe for them to live alone.
Yes, but … some people accept the risks because they want to live on their own terms. They are okay with the possible outcomes. My dad was like that. As it turned out, he died at my brother’s house when he was in town for my niece’s wedding … but had it happened when he was alone at his house, he would have had no regrets.
Yes, not everyone WANTS to have others around and they recognize that when it’s their time to go, they will go, whether it was as they envisioned or not. If they have the means and can make an informed decision, who’s to second guess their choice?
I understand what people are saying. My mother was like that, she wanted to live in her house until she died, which is what she did. My father is in a nursing home, and at 94 he gets what I consider great care. It is both frustrating and sad to watch old people in my building who obviously can’t take care of themselves, knowing they would be healthier and better cared for if they were somewhere else.
Sounds like my mom - she was adamant that she wanted to die in her own condo. Her behavior there vs hospitals and rehab facilities (she was starting to fall often) was polar opposites. On her last hospital stay, she had started screaming for the staff. Dad had been gone for a long time so she lived alone with weekday help, and my brother living very close by.
At age 89, we surmised she slipped getting out of bed on a Saturday morning and hit her head on the way down. She was on blood thinners so we think - hope- that she passed out and then away quickly. And she was wearing a fall alert button, which apparently doesn’t alert on slow falls. When the weekday help got no answer on that Monday, they called my brother so he’s the one who found her.
Anyway, she was feeling very good about herself; had just gotten off supplemental oxygen and felt in control of her life (she really wasn’t). She left us in about as positive a frame of mind as I had known her to be in a couple of years. One more hospital admit would likely have sent her over the edge.
This was ten years ago and literally days after we had moved from 40 minutes away in Chicagoland to California, so surreal times. I had talked to her two days earlier and had a lovely final conversation, so there’s that.
The situations in this thread remind me of what a disaster it was for my in-laws to stay in their house, but a very different living situation and no one would gainsay MIL. She sowed what she reaped but put her kids through hell doing so.
I have an elderly church friend who is only alive because Meals on Meals was concerned about her not answering. She still insists she can go back home, but for several years I’ve advised that she has neither the money nor the mobility to keep the house (which the city had at one point condemned). It’s a difficult situation. When I visit her at the rehab center, I try to talk about other topics.
My SIL is going to make another trip to his parents’ home, another 2 week period - to help select a real estate agent and also tow stuff back to brother’s storage. There is a possibility that a 2 BR unit in the assisted living near his brother’s home will have an opening in September. DD1 has been included on the email so that the opportunity doesn’t get missed. Brother/wife are passive; SIL’s parents are passive. The only reason anything is moving forward is due to DD1/SIL.
SIL said the father didn’t want to be the reason to go to AL, and SIL’s grandfather only moved when he could justify that his wife needed the care/attention (and not him - false pride). Pride runs in the family on the men’s side. SIL’s mother wants to go to AL and also be close to the grandchildren. She has been tired and is aware of them being one crisis away from more dire circumstances.
DD1 not only works FT, has 5 children ages 7 to 5 months old, but has to navigate her husband with his parents. DD1, working in healthcare, knows the right things to say and help them. Lining up what needs to be done, daily goals when her husband went there on his own over a 2-week period. Their family trip to them (renting an Airbnb on the beach but spending a few days organizing and disposing of things with them at their home first) – this was after I flew to help DD1 last year for 3 weeks so SIL could go for two weeks to get stuff out of 2 storage units, and also bring stuff back to his brother’s and also anything SIL still wanted.
They know the room sizes and how to furnish those rooms.
I hope this all transpires soon. What doesn’t get moved just needs to get donated.
SIL’s father has Parkinson’s, and the Neurologist that specializes with that disease last year said 2 - 3 years before more debilitation. So running on a time limit.
My in laws were committed to staying in their home. They had help on a regular basis for FIL, who had Parkinson’s. As the disease progressed, FIL realized that MIL couldn’t handle his needs without 24/7 assistance available if needed, so he finally convinced her to move to AL (she was actually IL, he was AL, same room). Best move they ever made … although MIL would never admit that she needed the help.
Local got our mom to her pain doctor appointment and deserves a medal – she was beside herself about the drive (it was at a satellite office 45 min away otherwise we had to wait until December) and his schedule the entire time. She really knows how to stick to an idea!
Pain doctor was helpful, assured her she wasn’t faking or imagining it and he believed her. She had some XRays after the stroke last month but he has order some more (she worries the xrays are going to give her cancer) and once he has those they’ll decide on cortisone shots or something else. He told her in the meantime, take her tramadol as much as is helpful.
I had more photos of her grands and greatgrands printed since she’s losing her ability to navigate her socials and see them. And then I stuck stickers to a few so I could write names to help her with that. She is very aware of what she can’t retrieve from memory and it scares and saddens her (and of course it would). We are planning a birthday party for her this late fall, but it all needs to be flexible enough to change on a dime. Last year we tried and then her whole AL had covid so we abandoned ship, so to speak.
Stickers and printed photos is a great idea, so she can “remember” everyone’s names. Mom was pretty good with everyone’s names until close to the end. Even then she could remember everyone’s names but got a bit confused by the great grand kids–she has 7 of them and they keep growing and changing!
I think my mom’s anxiety levels are getting worse and that’s 99% of her problems.
I personally don’t think her pain levels are 10 out of 10 as she described because a week after she told me that she was going on palliative care, she went to a big box store and walked around it. I asked if there were scooters for her to ride, she told me that she wasn’t ready to do that. She can take care of herself. She went shopping, to lunch and cleaned out some closets. On the same day
My sibling was taking mom to see old friends. Mom canceled because she wasn’t in good enough shape to go. Actually she is scared of falling. Of not being able to get off the friend’s toilet. Of going up stairs. So it’s not that she’s feeling poorly, it’s her anxiety of what might happen is out of control.
She also canceled her therapist. The therapist was telling her she needed to get used to pain. I think what they are telling her is she needs to manage the anxiety of what her pain might be. She gets around fine, I don’t think she has to use her walker all the time, it’s that she’s afraid of falling. She walks great with the walker, can get in and out of the car fine.
I know this makes me sound mean. Its mostly frustration about not being able to help.
I don’t think it sounds mean at all. My mom was the same way. She would act like my sibs and I were hurting her when we moved her, but when the CNA was there and moved her she didn’t make a peep. I think she trusted the CNA more than us and she wanted to be on her best behavior in front of her. Other emotions besides anxiety were taking over in front of the CNA.
Having said that, I can see how getting older makes you anxious and not want to do some things, even if that fear isn’t particularly well-founded. At the friend’s house, she doesn’t have her routines and can’t control her environment in the same way.
Girl, I’m impressed that your mom would even see a therapist! I can remember as a teen telling my mom that I thought we needed family therapy, and she laughed at me. She didn’t realize that she was proving my point!
Knowing the problem is a great start to the solution. Any way to get PT to teach her how to navigate stairs, lifting herself up etc.? How to navigate with a walker or solutions for stairs? You can use a walker on stairs but it takes a certain technique.
I agree, but/and I think sometimes people make a rose-colored glasses assumption that “staying in my home” means “peacefully dying in my sleep after a pleasant day.”
Rather than also grappling with the fact that it could more likely be in excruciating pain after a fall, and then being unable to get help or get up and perishing in a painful way.
We all hope for the former, and don’t want to consider the latter.
My mom has had tons of PT, OT, Speech therapy, even (she says the speech therapist is just there to talk her out of mentioning dying so much). None of it really sticks, either because she can’t remember, or because she is too old to learn, or simply just wants what she wants. I try to reconcile myself to all that, but it’s so frustrating. But she won’t use her walker to get around her room, she’s just tottering and hanging on to stuff or (her preferred way around it) lying in bed all day. She has a couch 10 ft away. She won’t wear shoes, she’s just sliding around her bathroom, an accident waiting to happen. She won’t drink water. But you looklike a monster scolding a 92 yr old who justhad a stroke.
My father was a lovely man, but pretty OCD and sometimes I wonder if Mom just at some basic level is doing exactly what she wants, for once in her life.
She has a very nice one bedroom and never uses the living room but stays on her bed. I told her that she should use the living room, it’s very nice.
she keeps telling everyone that I told her she should have moved into the studio. The studio is terrible according to her because you can see the bed from the door. That’s not what I said but she continues to tell my sister and niece how mean I am.
For years, my mom took what she called her nerve pills (lithium I think). A new doctor took her off them but she has never accepted nor admitted that she should seek therapy. Any medication is a no because it would maybe mean she had a problem. Calm her nerves from the PCP was apparently ok. No she does not have any mental health issues
She fell at my daughter’s and now is afraid to go anywhere. My sibling keeps trying. Mom will say yes and then cancel with the people she was supposed to visit. Calls my sibling after it’s been canceled so sibling won’t talk her into anything. Because it’s already been done.
Mom is at a CCRTC, in independent living for now. Her mobility has declined over the last year, and she mostly uses a motorized wheelchair when she leaves her apartment. She has a walker she uses for short distances.
H & I rent a lake house 20 minutes from her home every year where all the siblings/spouses and some grands can come. We know how to make it work for her, but she needs help up/down the 4 front steps. We also bring a raised toilet seat w/ arms, and take her back for a proper shower.
She seems mentally all there at 90+, and happy with life.
