Good answer 
Dear Wary in West Virginia: In what way would telling your aunt that your parents really aren’t able to do the things she’s asking put them in an awkward position? If it’s the truth, then TELL her.
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I posted a while back that we discovered an annuity my FIL had that MIL didn’t realize had a 100% survivor benefit. Yesterday, 57 separate payments of a little more than $700 each appeared in MIL’s bank account! No matter how hard my FIL tried to make sure he had their financial situation an open book for MIL to follow after he was gone, it didn’t work because MIL & SIL (who she tasked with helping her figure things out) didn’t understand how to handle things. We’re glad this is finally resolved.
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Wow, good work sorting through that!
A few months ago I actually added a slip of paper to the strongbox noting that my husband and I have each named the other for 50% pension survivor benefit. Someday we will have a better set of instructions (including contact info for pension provider), but in the meantime it’s a good reminder.
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After a month, off and on, of my mother being angry and loud at me, she apologies to me this morning. Well, only for one incident, but I will take it! While we didn’t dwell on the action, I did tell her that I understand she doesn’t feel well and is scared, but she can not take her feelings out on me every time she is unhappy, angry, scared or feeling unwell.
Did she hear me and understand, only time will tell. 
Here’s to a calmer new year. I will still limit my time and calls with her, but do all I need to do for her. Instead of insisting on a visit to the doctor when she complains about something, I just reply- Let me know if you want me to make an appointment with Dr. X and I will take you. I don’t argue, or give medical advice; I am leaving the ball in her court.
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I swear my mom is trying to gaslight me.
She calls and says that the doctor says she doesn’t have dementia. She also doesn’t seem to be using her mind either.
It’s so hard to do long distance. I ask if I can take over her bill paying? No, she wants to do it herself. Ok, but then things get missed. She’s upset for a minute but then seemingly forgets. I was texted if I knew her Apple ID. No I don’t have it. Mom says my niece wanted it, but she’s not sure, she doesn’t know why and she doesn’t care about her Apple ID. She has the password at her place.
Yesterday she says she talked to her financial advisor about gifting. Asks me if I know what that is. I do, but mom doesn’t have much and is in no position to gift us anything. Mom says that people at her independent living were talking about it. Yes, maybe they have millions in the bank, you don’t. Finally mom tells me she wants to pay for the gas my sibling uses to go to her appointments. Ok? Mom doesn’t even understand if her savings are tax deferred or not. She has no RMD’s to spend.
Why would she even bring up this conversation when her FA told her she wasn’t in a position to gift us anything?
Uggggggghhhhhh…..! My husband was very annoyed by this conversation because when we rewrote her will a few years ago, she declined to set up a trust because she didn’t care if we inherited anything. Her daughter’s have plenty of money
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This grey area between full-blown dementia (where everyone can see that’s the case) and “parent is often confused” is so frustrating. I never know if my mom genuinely is confused, or just being stubborn. She toggles between panicked that she forgot someone’s birthday and clueless that she is staggering around without her walker.
Local Sibling describes it as her mind is a room full of bookcases, and the shelves are falling off, the books are falling on the floor, and sometimes the wind is blowing too – she can’t organize a single thought. Sorry that your mom is doing this when you are trying so hard to help.
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Yes, that stage is so difficult!!
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My MIL has slowly been losing her capacity to think over the past four years. She doesn’t have dementia, but her short term memory is now pretty much gone. I have watched her seemingly give up on using her brain, and that has contributed to a steady decline that has robbed her of “herself.” It’s really hard, and unfortunately, it’s like a boulder going downhill - it’s gathering speed and momentum. It’s frustrating for the family, but worse for her. Once in awhile, she comments on her frustration, and it’s really sad.
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My dad is in the same stage! So tough. I’m thankful that his Lady Friend is still sharp as a tack. He accepts her corrections/suggestions when he would never listen to my sister and me. Sis and I contact LF whenever something comes up about Dad.
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Sounds like your mom is influenced by the chit-chat in her independent living. Now you need to get those people to chit-chat about how freeing it is to have someone else pay your bills.
I suppose it’s a loss of control of sorts of her money. Do you think she would go for it if every month or other month you sent her a summary of what you paid - or went over on the phone her monthly bank statement? So she still felt involved?
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My suggestion from my time in the trenches is to go ahead and start taking over if you are able. Ask for conservatorship to deal with the finances and go through the courts. Trying to go over bills / payments with someone forgetful and/or afraid just prolongs the agony. My Mom was a super control freak and thrashed around by herself for much too long. My brother thought she was doing OK for a year after I didn’t think it was OK. She lost $$$$$. Almost lost everything to a con artist. My mom was surprisingly OK with giving me the conservatorship which I did mostly long distance. I wish I’d done it sooner and skipped the year of trying to keep her involved and informed.
I think of her path (YMMV) as going back from adult to teen to child to infant. Would you let your young teen have that much control or would you still be the adult? Just my 2¢ from my experience.
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That’s exactly how my dad’s advocate described it, when my mom was going downhill. It helped to say, “It’s probably OK to leave a 12-year-old alone for a few hours, but not an 8-year-old, and that’s where Mom is now…”
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Thanks everyone
To be clear, I know what needs to be done, the issue is trying to get my mom on board. I’m sure we will get there, it’s frustrating and I was venting.
There’s also my sibling, who has a way of dealing with things also. That I need to respect also
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With the bills I did it bill by bill over a period of time. So there was never a point where I said you can’t write checks for your bills anymore - it was, the insurance bill is the same every month, wouldn’t it be easier if it just came out of your account automatically? Repeat a few months later for the cable bill, electric, etc. Credit cards were the last I was able to do since she wanted to check those over but a few months of late fees (mostly my fault as I was the one mailing her bills by then) I was able to get her to let me put those on automatic pay but she still gets a paper bill to look over. It took time but all her bills now pay automatically and I think she finds it a relief (though she occasionally panics that she hasn’t paid something and I have to assure her it paid automatically) but it would not have worked to do it all at once. This way I could phrase it as wouldn’t it be easier for this specific bill rather than you are no longer capable of paying your own bills. The down side of course is it increased her dependence on me but that was probably inevitable anyway.
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We re in the process of getting things streamlined
For the most part they are. It’s now down to one credit card that she’s had for probably 40+ years. That’s the sticky point. That she and my dad had.
The issue is that I can’t sign up to see it online, I think my dad set it up. The log in information is gone, I’ve told mom we need to figure that out. She isn’t capable or interested. She thinks it’s just fine to use the card, she can pay it.
She has another card that I can see and pay. She doesn’t seem to be willing to use just that card. I’m not physically there to confiscate the credit card I can’t control. There’s only so much I can do.
Other than one card, I either pay or she has one payment to independent living. That’s it!
We’ve talked about her finances, she knows how much she has, mainly how much she doesn’t have. Why she called her FA about gifting money she doesn’t have and we’ve talked about is what was frustrating for me.
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Venting here is an EXCELLENT choice!
Both knowing someone else sees you and what you are going through as well as organizing your thoughts to communicate does help A LOT.
Carry on, you are doing fine, and you will get through it.
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I know there are fall alert (and emergency call) device pendants. Family has heard there are watch variations - any experiences here? Recommended brands? (Apple watch is not an option - no iphones in the house; there is an LTE ipad I gave them, but they don’t keep it charged.)
It’s good to check with local medical centers discharge departments. They know which services are good in the area. Some places can’t pronounce the names of the streets, etc and have unreliable service. The discharge planners tend to recommend these devices and keep current.
It’s also good to get one that is not easily removed by the patient, so it stays on their wrist at all times and will be there if they fall. If they take it off, it doesn’t help anyone. My aunt had one that was supposed to be on her wrist at all times otherwise she’d take it off. My brother still had to break into her home when she didn’t show up to meet her friend (she was one the ground and couldn’t get up nor summon help).
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There are several companies with watches with fall detection and will call 911. The problem is, they are big, so if for a woman, she might not like the look. Usually they also need to be charged daily, so the person needs to remember to charge and put back on. Charging while in bed doesn’t help if one gets up at night for the bathroom.
My mother refused a watch option because they were ugly! Of course, she also made me return the pendant because it was also ugly. 
The 2 companies I saw the most positive reviews were Medical Guardian and LifeFone; both have watches.
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My aunt had some sort of bracelet that was not supposed to be removed. I believe it had a battery that only needed to be replaced rarely. I didn’t get the details and am not sure how long she had it before she died. She lived alone and had a very difficult time rising once she was on the ground and needed a LOT of asssitance.
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