My H prefers google & Microsoft. My computer is Windows so he can be my tech support. My phone is an old iphone 13 and I have an ipad with a keyboard. Apple is fairly intuitive to me but I’ve had it for many years. H doesn’t find it intuitive as his phone is an android OnePlus fold phone. We make it work. Fortunately since many have iphones it’s generally pretty easy to get help as needed.
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I’ve heard the “youth” have problems with PCs so that makes me feel bette, as in that maybe I’m not an idiot after all. That’s the environment I spent my career in and am familiar with.
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I have been coming here and reading, pondering about adding my situation. I live the furthest from my Dad, about a 4 hour drive. My sibs are all less than an hour away.
We moved Dad from independent in his CCRC to assisted in 12/24. It became apparent that he needed a higher level of care and he went to memory care in 1/26. There was little drama, My sibs and I are all on the same page and Dad remained mostly his pleasant self unless he was determined to do something unsafe and he was prevented from doing that.
Dad died on Memorial Day, at age 96. His funeral had FDNY and Army Veteran honors.
I am grateful that we didn’t have the family drama and cantankerous elder situations I read about here, but even so, it is hard.
In my future is the continuing assumption of the management of my 101 y/o mother-in-law. I am the widow of her only child to reach adulthood, and there are no other living relatives, aside from my children. She is currently in a CCRC about 20 minutes from me, where despite her macular degeration poor vision, she continues to take the shuttle to Walmart or Trader Joe’s each week. She’s getting forgetful and beginning to have much diminished executive function. We (my local child or I) are filling her medicine containers each week. We have an aide come 2x a week for some meal help and housekeeping chores. Her few bills are on autopay and someone is on each of her accounts except her IRA.
As a DIL, I struggle with allowing her her own agency when she balks at suggestions vs. how I would not hesitate trying to coerce my parent if needed.
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Condolences on the loss of your dad! It’s never easy no matter the age. I pray that your memories will be a blessing.
My H is in a similar-ish situation with an elderly family member who isn’t his mom. She is nearly 90, has been single with no kids her entire life and she doesn’t take suggestions well. She lives alone, still drives, and is insisting on staying in her home and community despite there is no family left at all. She’s definitely starting to get forgetful and really shouldn’t be alone for much longer. There is money to hire help, move her into a CCRC, etc… but she’s refusing. And she definitely still has enough of her mental faculties to be making those decisions (no court would ever consider her to lack competency right now).
As you said, it’s a different ball game to try to coerce someone who isn’t your own mom or dad.
Hugs around all of that too!
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You are being supportive in so many ways. It’s ok for it to feel like a burden or uncomfortable sometimes.
On a lighter note I LOVE that your MIL at 101 still wants a Trader Joe’s trip. You go girl! 
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Condolences on the loss of your father.
My widowed SIL is in a similar situation with her MIL. Definitely a tricky situation. Wishing you the best.
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Exactly. My H has a Samsung phone and tablet and I’m constantly annoyed when trying to help him. I have iPad and iPhone so easy to receive texts on iPad. Doesn’t work that way with Samsung apparently unless you download something else.
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@DeeCee36 how’s it going? Thinking of you and yours. 
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I have an iPhone. DH has an Android. I don’t want to have to learn how to use an Android. I like my iPhone. But he struggles with it and expects me to help him. I told him the next time he purchases a phone, it will be an iPhone!
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Thank you. 
He is home. The delirium is gone, thankfully. He is still confused about some things, but overall understands where he is, what has happened and, to some extent, what is happening (dying). He is more pleasant than he had been, and thankfully, his ire toward my mother seems gone, though he’s mostly focused inward, not interacting with us too much. The hospice nurse told us last Friday he likely only had days to live. He had a little burst of energy yesterday (got wheeled outside to see some work they had had done on the house while he was in the hospital, spoke for a couple of minutes on the phone, and sat with my mother and watched some TV).
My mom was feeling very hopeful about it, but I have read this is a common thing that happens near the end. We will see what today brings.
One of his friends came to visit the other day and then immediately called my mother from the car to offer his opinion about her having brought him home to die, rather than pushing for him to rehabilitate. I know he meant well, but it infuriated me. This has been an unbearable decision for my mother and the last thing she needs is anyone second-guessing it.
The way that I have made sense of things to her is this: if it was his heart or his lungs, or cancer that was the illness, and he couldn’t tolerate the treatment, there would be no question that the compassionate thing to do is to stop it. Somehow when it is the brain, we want to say, “Well, he’s not in his right mind to make a decision and we need to force it on him.” I have let go of that thinking. His brain is the problem and he can’t tolerate the treatment that could fix it (steroids). We are doing the compassionate thing.
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We love deeply, so it’s hard to let our loved ones go. It’s a testament to our love that it’s so difficult.
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I hate that friends are second guessing your mom’s decision. So unfair!
Sending more hugs and prayers!
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Sending peace and light to you and your family. I’m glad to hear that your Dad is less agitated.
The friend was out of line. You are doing a great job in a situation that is difficult for everyone.
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I am glad to hear he’s home and more calm and that hospice is involved. I am also glad that your mom is feeling hopeful. Dad’s friend’s opinion should be ignored. He probably meant well, but he doesn’t fully understand how tough and challenging this is for everyone, especially for your mom. Hugs to you all.
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Your dad’s friend is an idiot, but probably due to his own lack of awareness and not being ready to lose his friend to death. Seeing your dad in glimmers of his former self and doing a ‘push’ to your mother. Putting that burden on your mom was terrible IMHO but this is how some men operate - the wife/woman is supposed to be the ‘fixer’.
The brain in your dad’s situation is not fixable!
Having the insight from the Hospice nurse is helpful.
Good you can all focus on the positives.
Sending hugs!
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I have quite the story about a nurse who took it upon herself to try to make me feel bad for not opting for a very painful, risky procedure at the end of my mom’s life. Let’s just say that some people need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves. You know your dad & the situation best. Hugs.
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When I needed a new phone long ago I finally asked the salesman which was better Android or iphone? He had android and listed all sorts of wonderful things it could do. Finally I said but which is easier to use if you aren’t as techy as you seem to be? IPhone. And that’s what I bought.
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So glad to hear your father is more pleasant now. Best wishes for peace in your hearts (and stamina) in the coming days / weeks.
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Sometimes it doesn’t help to complain about a medical provider that has clearly overstepped their job parameters and w/o a truly caring attitude one hopes to have with a ‘nurse’. But it certainly was inappropriate, especially because it was also not asked for advice.
I tend to give a little grace for many healthcare providers unless the healthcare provider is dangerous in their care.
Families don’t always get a choice of storybook gathering at the end, or something less peaceful. often, the choice is a hard choice and a harder choice; nobody is helped by outsiders making snap judgements based on a single visit.
@DeeCee36 I hope you can gather and grieve in peace, knowing you have walked the hardest journey with fidelity. You’ve been a good daughter, and that’s enough.
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