DH and siblings are having their periodic phone call about their mother on Saturday. Update on finances (fine to cover care costs for a couple more years) and health (soft fall but might have fractured her tailbone…seeing doctor today).
The outlaws have all decided not to be part of these calls. Six siblings is plenty!!
Yes we often had calls with only siblings and no spouses. There were 7 of us and getting us to agree on times & dates was already tough. we did include spouses sometimes — depending on topic.
Even though there are only 2 of us, my husband wasn’t part of calls concerning my mother. Although when we were discussing hospice, he attended because he was in the town my mother was in the hospital.
For my fil, there was a conference when he entered skilled nursing. My husband didn’t include me. But my mil invited her next door neighbor and friend. My bil had his lady friend of less than a year attend, he was working but was conferenced in. It was crowded. Since I’ve been part of the family for 40+ years, it felt strange but that was my H’s wishes. In his defense, he felt the meeting was too crowded and he did what he could to mitigate that.
I’m sort of over it lol!
My mom has been having difficulty with using her iPad, but today she did convey via messenger that …well, we couldn’t figure out what she was telling us, between her typing, spell correct, and lack of context.
I called, and she ping ponged between fine and not-fine emotionally and cognitively. Her AL is reinforcing a standing rule, which is for residents to leave their walkers outside the dining room when they come for meals. (It’s a little dining room, the walkers are a safety hazard, aides are there to help). She is distressed about this for no particular reason. In a 20 minute conversation I also heard about how great the housekeeper is, and he doesn’t get paid enough, so she put her only $5 in an envelope and snuck it into his work cart. (Local gives her cash, but not much, because she has taken to doing this). Also related that the town concert in the park was wonderful but she cried because Preferred and my SIL “must have spent hours figuring out how to get me there and they are so busy”. This is very much not true on all accounts.
She then told me she figured out why her foot hurt so much. It hurt? Tell me more. It has hurt “for awhile now” so she took off her shoes and socks and discovered her right big toe has lost the toenail. Or maybe it has shattered. She was unclear, and crying, because she correctly knew I would let the AL know that someone needs to look at her foot. (And I have done so). We went around about how that 's what the staff is there for, she can blame me, etc… Her hip hurts again and she wants to see the hip doctor, she has a special one, I reminded her that yes, she sees that doctor again in July. (She’s gonna need another shot in her hip, which she did not like). She could ask for an afternoon dose of Tramadol but refuses to “bother” the staff. And also, she keeps being woken up by someone calling on the phone and telling her it is time for breakfast. Mom, I said, that’s a dream, it isn’t real. Yeah, she says, the girls (her staff) say that too.
My inlaws called to say, among other things, that my MIL ran over a curb, blew the tire, and had to be towed and rescued. FIL is astonished that the tire place will not sell him one tire, and that the tires on the car are so old they are discontinued. My inlaws spend a few afternoons a week at a nearby smallish lake, bench sitting, but FIL announced that he has been talking to the people there about…buying a pontoon boat. DH says Dad, you can rent those at This Lake, why buy one? Also, the drought has beached most watercraft. FIL is sure this is a fine idea (but hasn’t bought one yet, to be fair). He turned 85 this week.
How is everyone else holding up?
Wow - that’s a lot. I hope your mom gets the help she needs in AL and that the inlaws do NOT buy a pontoon boat.
I have a variety of concerns over 99 year old dad and his wife (younger) at home. They need some help, and darn - they are not able to find somebody to do showers (it would be post-rehab free service for a month, if there were not such a shortage of helpers in their area). But for today I’m happy because our kids arranged to meet up, go visit the grandparents 
Non-stop calls from my dad yesterday. His 90-year-old wife (CHF, A-fib, kidney disease, blocked carotids) had another small stroke that caused temporary blindness and is in the hospital where the doctors clarified her DNR with them (she wants to die). I expect the next step is hospice which will take some burden off my 90-year-old dad, but I’m also expecting a possible funeral. I’m happy to take these calls to try to soothe my dad, but I had to remind him that he needed to call his wife’s daughter and keep her in the loop, too.
It’s exactly a year ago this week that they had simultaneous health events that caused me and my brother to fly out to get them into AL where they stayed five months before moving themselves back home. Decline is hard to watch. My sympathies are with all of you who are also involved in physically caring for your aging parents. I watch this thread because my brother and I know that the next steps with my dad after she passes are going to require some heavy lifting from us. They don’t prepare you for this.
I was involved in the year when my FIL became disabled and when he passed. Twelve years later, my MIL is declining, but this time, I am staying out. We see things much more clearly now. I know it sounds cold, but “too crowded” is a good way to describe it.
I may be in the minority but even with a good relationship I don’t find it unusual for the “outlaws” (related through marriage) to not be included in health/life decisions. Totally fine to be included but I would just see participating only to support my husband if he needed it.
I guess I would just not “expect” it.
Absolutely but the inclusion of the lady friend and the neighbor sort of clouded how I felt.
I understand my place and will stay in my lane. But after 40 years you would think I would have some standing. We have a good relationship
When the local sibling went on vacation when my mil was discharged from the hospital. I went there to stay with them and help, to give my H a spell. Because that’s who I am.
Twelve years ago, my husband was still working in a pretty intense job, and I was retired, so I jumped in. My BIL was also in a very intense job, and his wife jumped in. Now, they both are retired, and can do more. I am not trying to be defensive, I am just saying I learned much about myself, thinking I had to run into a burning building. Ten years ago, we moved in next door to my father, and I thought I had to run into that burning building (if you get my metaphor). Life is life, and this thread definitely helps.
Amen.
I would not expect to be included as an in law ( and I wasn’t) , but it can depend on the type of family dynamics and relationships involved.
Same here. My FIL passed about 10 years ago. MIL has declined significantly. She has six of her own kids…I’m staying out of this unless asked a question (which has happened a few times due to my area of expertise…unfortunately, my advice isn’t listened to and it’s been spot on so far…).
My dh was a godsend in supporting me with caring for my mom. Not just supporting me, but unglamorous direct care for her. My siblings were happy to have him be part of the team.
However, vent ahead …
When dh’s oldest sister was dying in the hospital in a place about four hours from our home, his siblings wanted ME to be the one to stay overnight with her as I wasn’t working and the wealthy brother, who also lives about four hours away, even offered to pay for my lodging so everyone else could get back to their lives. I was trapped and not supported back then by dh so I stayed one night. She died the next day so everyone came back to bury her, relieved that she didn’t die alone. She had one wish – to be buried with her parents in a neighboring state, about two-three hours north of where she lived and died. Inconvenient, yes, but it’s hardly an insurmountable burden. Instead, they buried her close to where her sister lived “so people could visit her regularly.” BS. The wealthy ones thought their business needs should take precedence, and they didn’t want to spend an extra day traveling. I don’t know that they’ve visited her grave since. Clearly, this still chaps my hide.
All this to say that how involved to get in-laws seems to be a moving target, and there’s no one right way to do it.
Replying to myself. 
My post was not directed at any one person (sometimes we tend to think someone is referring to “us” if the post is right after our own- I might do that!) but just the idea of being included in major life/end of life decisions.
@FallGirl is right - every family is different as are relationships.
Even with a good relationship with my husband’s parents and many times that I helped them and of course, sat bedside with them during very hard times, “I” would not have expected to be involved in major decisions - especially when there are 4 children of the in-laws involved. Unless my H wanted me there to support him.
It’s not wrong to feel otherwise. Or think odd that someone else was there. Seeing that others may feel that way is just a new way of thinking to me.
Funny- I sense some confusion at the variety of some out laws not being included & then others being included, maybe mystification at the varied levels of inclusion is more accurate.
I have resentment about being included and point man with my in laws & parents. I have now been the one to sign 4 DNRs, coordinate 4 parents to hospice, etc. I am quite competent.
As some one said above, I need to learn that I am not the only one who can run into a burning building. I put that on me, letting other people take advantage etc. Even when BIL/SIL and DH/I split up the parent responsibilities, somehow they always ended up being unavailable when crises hit. Hmm.
As ChoatieMom seems to have experienced, sometimes the person can run themselves right out of the burning building and into a bigger mess.
It’s such a rough time of life. I hope we can figure out a way not to do this to our kids.
I will clarify my MIL situation. There are 6 siblings…and all are married. The six spouses have all been invited to be part of these family calls, and offer ideas. At this point, we outlaws feel that six voices (who don’t always agree) are plenty, and the family doesn’t more voices. They don’t need more people on the periodic family phone calls. The six siblings are more than capable.
My husband always shares the call “agenda” with me before the call takes place. Sometimes I’m here and listen but don’t participate. If that is happening, DH lets the others on the call know. Tonight, I just won’t be home, so I’ll hear about it all when I get home.
There really are no decisions to be made at this point.
My SIL & her H are in charge. He basically makes all the decisions. My H is non confrontational and not local, so he stays out of it - he offers to help, but his BIL insists on doing everything (and his way). I do my best to stay out of things.
Sigh, I think I’m not explaining myself well.
I do not want or expect to be a part of any decisions. I want to be supportive to my husband of 40 years who also is not making any decisions. His mother is in charge. There are only 2 siblings which is much different than 6 where there are more voices
My husband was very supportive when my mom was going through things. He listened in on meetings. He sat in waiting rooms and drove 100 of miles to deal with my not always sweet mom. He helped me deal with a difficult sibling. I didn’t actually make any decisions either, my mom made most of her own decisions or my sibling did.
What I would have liked is the opportunity to be there for my husband. His sibling is usually conveniently absent when the work needs to be done. I took his mom home from the hospital when she declined to call her other son. I stayed with my in laws when her other son didn’t postpone his visit to his children.
So to have been told (by my husband) that the meeting that I didn’t have to attend was too crowded because local sibling invited his less than one year girlfriend. His mother invited her friend and neighbor (she is a great help) My feelings were hurt. I do feel that I can feel the way I do. I don’t bring it up.
That’s all. I have tempered my expectations. It’s all good. I will be supporting my husband. Do I think I will be as helpful? Maybe not.
FWIW, I would have been hurt too!