My now 89 YO BIL did not want to use a walker. It took a bit of “you don’t want to fall and break bones”, and he did have a few soft falls in the house. My sister is 72 and super healthy. He would not be home w/o her. He has finally decided that the walker is a good thing, and he needs it.
Perhaps your mom will realize it is OK and a good thing to use the walker.
I saw a very elderly woman walking very slowly from afternoon church service, small steps, clearly being careful to not fall. Should have been using a cane or a walker. Too bad my husband raced ahead of me, as often one would be receptive to a man escorting her to her vehicle.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I’m honestly thankful my mom passed so quickly. She’d been fading mentally for years, and if cancer hadn’t taken her, her last years would not have been happy.
My father-in-law had a lot of serious health conditions. His kidneys weren’t working well, and his heart wasn’t great. But he’d been active and happy. He was in the Bahamas at his second home, a beautiful place right on the water. He worked on electrical issues in the morning and then didn’t wake up after going for a nap in the afternoon. I know he would have been so happy to know he would go like that! The islanders put his body in a pickup truck and had a parade - that’s their tradition. He was only 73. I wish we’d had him longer (the best FIL ever), but this was really for the best.
Make sure the staff knows about any challenges with stairs etc at home location. That might be a factor on release date, especially if concerns about blood pressure fluctuations after UTI… a scenario our family dealt with this winter.
Our newspaper switched from Ann/Abby to just Carolyn Hax. So far, I’ve found her answers to pretty much meet this issues presented in the letters. She seems more current and in touch with what’s going on in the world these days.
Our paper prints Abby every day and both on Sunday. The contrast in quality of advice is glaringly obvious. I’ve started yelling (in my mind) at Abby over how poor the advice is. And picturing how Carolyn would answer.
Longtime family friend died, we decided I had time to go to the funeral and be back the same day (5 hr round trip) since DH is leaving for a work trip. I could see Mom, same town.
On the way, I get texts from the ER that mom has fallen again. Local is on the way. They want to life flight her in case she has a brain bleed. By the time I arrive, in heels and a dress, they have determined she probably doesn’t .
Admitted, scans, etc. Somehow nothing is broken. Stitches in her forehead, raccoon eyes, arm protected by the cast from the previous fall. lots of midline pain from blunt force but again not broken.
ER doctor pushed back on Loca having any POA ability bc (wait for it!)we have no formal diagnosis indicating she is not competent for decisions! Did I NOT JIST tell Loca/Preferred this!!
went to goodwill to buy clothes. Local and Preferred offered to pay 1/2 my hotel expenses. Local can’t be on bedside detail; they have a family trip he won’t cancel. Community theatre he signed up for, too. Knowing that Preferred is out of state, he did this. DH leaves for trip, yikes I hope he has everything he needs.
Have been here 3 days. But I have a great pair of $5 jeans now. Discharge maybe in 48. Talking to her AL about a more structured oversight. Tomorrow I re arrange appointments she’ll have to miss. Her AL director wants her on anti anxiety meds.
Sounds to me like everyone is sort of buckling under the pressures of your mom’s life.
I’m not sure how local feels about moving your mother to a higher level of care? Does he agree with preferred or is he not one to argue with his brother, not one to make waves?
How involved is preferred in day to day tasks? I know you are now in the weeds so to speak but maybe local is feeling some burnout or pressure from his family?
So many moving parts, aren’t there? None of which are easy.
I think it’s hard when mom needs a lot more help and worry. I know that in my experience, people didn’t act in ways I would have liked. I’m sure I didn’t act in ways they would have wanted me to either.
I know I was angry at my sibling that she upset the apple cart so to speak to make things easier for her. Having mom move to where she was. Except that one month in, she wanted me to relieve some of that burden.
Things were fracturing before but this probably was the final nail. It’s ok, I couldn’t do what she wanted and she will find ways to carry a grudge.
Families are complicated. I’m sure your H is grateful you are there. I hope your MIL gets the help she needs. Sounds like she needs more assistance than she currently has.
“Families are complicated” - Indeed. Sometimes I try not to roll my eyes when somebody refers to a very good friend being like a brother (or sister). LOL - that kind of sib comes without the family baggage. Tis different from blood family.
I am so sorry. Your panic, anxiety, frustration, and sadness all are so understandable. I don’t have any solutions or helpful tips. I feel your pain because I am living through similar situation, but I am local doing the heavy load while the other local throw tantrums and criticizes often. I am close with the not local siblings and we discuss daily to support each other through this.
they will never agree that she needs a new level of care. the AL facility will take her back no problem; Preferred is talking with them about more structured assistance.He wants more help in the bathroom and dressing, they will say yes, it will happen sporadically.
Loca has no tasking, neither does Preferred as far as ADLs. They do have responsibility for many dr appts (I do the scheduling and paperwork) and Loca is stuck with the panic calls to come fix the tv, etc. And he is the first one to the ER. Preferred also does all her finances, Local writes the checks. I also do all supply ordering
Today she spent 90 minutes enraged that I was lying about being in a hospital, escalating to I have always hated her, etc. Even her nurses couldn’t calm her down. So no more dilauded. (however that is spelled).Siblings think I am over sensitive, and believe she’s just a typical elderly lady and the POA is all they will ever need. They are good guys but the original mansplainers.
I’m so sorry. Sounds like you are the scapegoat. Sounds like you hold up a mirror of truth and neither sibs or Mom can tolerate what is presented. Perhaps hospital and AL are your allies in presenting options for more effective care, to protect Mom from more falls?
I know that hurts, I’m so sorry. I got the ‘do you hate me?’ yesterday, I’m on a different section of that road.
Hopefully the AL will at least start out helping her more, given the frequency and fact she still has a cast. I expect they will start charging for it, the ones I’ve been touring seem all about the points/fees. Maybe then they will actually do it.
Will Local not let you stay in his guest room? I’m sure the added expenses are injury on insult!
Preferred offered their house, admitting it is an hour from the hospital so nonsensical.
Local did not offer, for whatever reason so I did not ask. They are going to pay me back from our mother’s expense account (she asked Preferred to set aside money for her expenses as opposed to gifts, care, etc)
Today was a small win - I figured something out that provides an explanation for a situation MIL has been experiencing. We’re visiting my MIL, who is 99. She mentioned having trouble seeing her bingo cards. Then she told us that there was blue lace covering her food. She asked why there was a bird on her plate. She couldn’t believe that we didn’t see the lace or the bird. A bit later she mentioned having trouble reading the closed caption on the tv.
All of a sudden, a lightbulb went off in my head … I thought perhaps her glaucoma was limiting her field of vision, and I realized that the her glaucoma and macular degeneration could be causing her brain to see things that aren’t there. I did some research to see if my theory made sense … lo and behold, I found that it does: Charles Bonnet Syndrome - Patients - The American Society of Retina Specialists . I told her my suspicions, and she was relieved that there is a logical explanation for what is happening to her. She was worried that there was something wrong with her mind, and it made her feel better to realize that it’s probably her eyes.
Now if we can figure out how to deal with her lack of depth perception so she can get the fork on the food (rather than to the right of it)! Tomorrow we’ll try covering one eye at a time & taking off her glasses.
My dad had similar mild hallucinations I think due to his kidney failure. Things like a bird sitting on my mom’s shoulder. In his case he was fully aware they were hallucinations and they were mostly pleasant and didn’t seem to bother him so we let it be. I don’t think it was related to his eyesight though macular degeneration does run in his family so it’s possible that he had the beginnings of it.
When my father had UTI / high BP when hospitalized for UTI, he had major, crazy hallucinations (and crazy dreams too). It all seemed so real to him. Luckily I was in the hospital room with him all day/night, and he trusted me when I explained things. (“No, there are not manholes in the floor” and “Hmm, I don’t see a scary spaceship”)
I have mentioned similar experiences my father had when hospitalized with a UTI. I was on the phone with his doctor, who was at his bedside, while he was going on about something ridiculous (he had to move his car before it got towed.) The doctor was great, she said oh, just ignore that, he will be fine once his infection clears (and he was.)