Hoping for the best for @conmama. If you can’t post but can read, please know that we’re thinking of you. Please post when you can.
FIL (94) with massive stroke is currently in the hospital rehab being a PITA to the nurses . We realized that he still had mail coming to his home in his wife’s and sister’s name and that mail was not being forwarded to us to handle . FYI- when you forward mail to pay bills, etc be sure to mark ‘family’ but unfortunately the forward is only for the same last name and you have to do a new one for each different last name.
My parents are due to move two weeks from today, into independent living in a CCRC. I have hired movers and someone to help pack up some things two days before.
Their house is not going on the market immediately so I am not feeling the pressure my husband did in clearing out his late parents house last week. That sold and settled in four weeks due to an eager buyer.
Now off to join the Bag a Week club so I never keep more than a minimal amount of stuff!
Congratulations, surfcity! They will be exhausted by the move, but it will be so worth it!
I had surgery this week on my shoulder. I just needed time for myself to recover and get a handle on my pain. I kept being told to call my mom because she was so worried. You guessed it. She could really only talk about herself and her pain. She now claims to have had the same exact surgery…no one else recalls her ever having shoulder surgery. If anything she was worried about how I wouldn’t be able to help her as much when she has a valve replacement in September
Hope you heal well @eyemamom and also hugs for tolerating the mom situations.
eyeamom, take time and heal properly. , yes, hugs for not having expectations of Mom support now.
Surfcity, good luck with cleanout! and selling.
I’ve been in kind of a lull, focused on getting family together for Mom’s 85th last weekend. It went well, but everyone was shocked at how much she’d gone down hill. and after she left, she went further down. Just got a call from the AL place that they called the paramedics and hauled her to the hospital, despite my asking them not to. Bro talked me out of hospice last month and now I really regret it. Hospice would have left her in peace in her own bed because by her own directions there isn’t anything the hospital CAN do. except poke and pry and leave her scared.
I’d added extra private care givers last month and had just increased their time per week from the visit last weekend. Tomorrow is my son’s birthday, 23rd so not such a big deal, but I don’t want to rush up the 400 miles to not do ANYTHING. and of course her DR. was off today. gah.
There is always that balance between time to let go and time to fight back and time to tend yourself and time to tend your husband/kids. Yup. It is a process and we do the best we can at the time. Might have some regrets looking back, but AT THE TIME we didn’t have the info we have NOW which makes a difference.
esobay, when you have to make decisions based on only part of the information, it is always a very difficult thing to do. sometimes you don’t even know that the information is not complete . you do the best you can with the information given you. I despise monday morning quarterbacks .
eso- I know my brother wasn’t at the same point as I was for a period of time. He got there about 6 months later. Maybe this last round in the hospital will help him come around. You made the right decisions as you need your brother on board with any plans. It is certainly not unusual for an elder to go downhill after a big gathering.
eyemamom- Yes, whenever surgery of any sorts is brought up around my dad, he launches into discussions about his surgeries he has had, though he has forgotten several. I have to remind him that the discussion is not about him but about H, mom, myself … He used to be able to stop the self focus for a short time once I reminded him. Now he forgets after 10 seconds. It is very draining, especially as in the past, I thought I could count on my parents to care about me and others in the family.
Something that frustrates me is that my dad retcons - I talk to him about something he really liked before, like a meal from a particular restaurant, and not only did he not remember liking it at the time, but he vehemently states how much it was terrible and he’d never go there again. And my kids were present so they also get very confused.
This has happened several times over the past few months, and it is very frustrating. He also retcons why my family moved - we moved to be near him, and he thinks we moved because we wanted to. He feels now like he did us a favor by suggesting we moved near him. (and my kids were in counseling for a year after we moved, they were so upset by the move)
It’s so hard to judge whether his mood and memory are “worse” or just variable. He went for Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s screening about 5 years ago but maybe it is time to get it done again.
Hello all. Dad died Tuesday night, no pain and unconscious. Those 4 days in hospice were absolutely exhausting, plus fighting with my brother and SIL that I did not want their children in the room when Dad was dying, or after he died. I basically got my way but only when I threatened my Mom that I was going to kiss DAd goodbye and leave. His firstborn and only daughter would not be with him, but her little grandkids could. She knew I wasn’t bluffing and made it happen. What an angry person I was. My brother was a drama queen the whole time. We also got into it afterwards at breakfast when he started trying to act like Dad. I figuratively ( like the book Outlander), grabbed my little brothers balls and put him into his place fast and it worked.
Mom has dementia now and she suspectful of evetyone, except her banker. Thankfully this banker knows all sorts of info I told her about and is working with me for Moms benefit. But if the banker suggests it, it’s great. If it’s me, no. The banker is going thru the same thing with her Dad so totally gets it.
I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but in one of Moms lucid moments she told me she knows we can’t live together because we fight, we all need our own space and she knows I will resent her. Add to that, she is really elderly behaving now, and honestly…I’m not the care giver type. I will take care of all her needs in every ways, visit, get her for shopping , lunch, overnights…but live with her…well, it’s just not going to happen…I now just mention it to her when she brings it up.
It upsets her to hear assisted living. My Aunt was in one, not a terrible place at all, but dark and a little depressing. I wonder if she is well enough to just be in an independent living area first, then progress. She likes that word…independent. She will be ticked, but I have to have my life. She thinks she will stay with my brother and he will build a room…but DH was telling me about Medicaid and gifting, so that’s not a great idea.
Anyway, it’s been one of the most exhausting weeks…Dad dying and then Doc visits, phar visits, bankers, post office, fighting with her as I’m trying to accumulate and pack their important financial documents. She walks in my room because she thinks I’m looking through her stuff. On and on. Pray for me.
Sorry for your loss and the associated drama, conmama.
So sorry, conmama.
@conmama hang in there. Prayers and hugs.
@conmama, so sorry. May his memory be a blessing.
Sorry for your loss, conmama. Do the best you can with your mother and brother.
My prayers conmama. Just focus on the next thing. I’m so glad you realize now that living with you may not be the best solution.
@esobay – that sounds exhausting and frustrating. Perhaps hospice would be an option now?
@conmama – one thing at a time. Sending lots of wishes for some peace and time to absorb all the changes. Hugs.
conmama, I’m sorry for your loss and wish I could send you strength for what you have ahead of you with your Mom.
conmama - my goodness - what a month you have had. My condolences on your loss.