Conmama, so sorry you had an unpleasant end. You did the right t,hing. Best of luck going forward. I also knew I would not be able to live with my mom.
Yesterday she went to the hospital, the nurse at midnight said I didn’t have to come asap, I could have today for son’ s birthday. Mom had a heart attack this am probably another one actually and the nurse didn’t think she’d wait the time it takes me to drive.
I made it. Not sure she recognized me. Bro will be here soon. No kids involved. She is better now, they got her heart rhythm improved, but it is clearly a matter of time, probably short time.
@esobay, I am so sorry about your mom’s heart attack. I am sure many of us have had the same experience in retrospect, after the death of an elderly loved one, how steep the decline during the final few months. Hope your mom is comfortable and that you and your brother are able to give comfort to each other, at the very least.
conmama, I’m sorry for your loss. These things are hard enough without it bringing out the worst in family members. Re your mom, you still have quite a road ahead of you. One thought – she’s not in a position to make decisions for herself, to know how helpful some is being or not being, or anything else really. You have to make decisions that are A) in her best interest, and B) work for you. And B is just as important as A. From what you describe, I doubt that she’s a candidate for independent living, but probably would do well at assisted living. You might want to visit a couple in the area, just to get a feel for what’s available (all of the ALs we visited were quite cheery and attractive), and to discuss your situation with the folks there. IMO the idea of your brother building a room for her is a non-starter; I wouldn’t even entertain a discussion about it. But one thing is for sure – her living with you is off the table, and you don’t have to make any excuses for that. She’ll fuss, but you’re the decision maker and you do what’s right for her (which is not living with any family member) and what works for you, period.
eso, I haven’t posted in a while but I’ve been following your story. I’m sorry that it seems you’re at that point. It’s rough. But I’m glad you made it in time. Hugs.
conmama- sorry for your loss and all the drama. I agree with LasMa. But, my parents with dementia do quite well at independent living. They can get dressed, attend to hygiene, and know where and when to show up for meals. I think they are a bit more functional as they have the combination of both their memories.
I would allow your mom some choices in the discussion, but living with you and the building a room at your brother’s doesn’t seems like plausible alternatives and wouldn’t present it as a choice. If she brings it up, just repeat "that’s not an option. I hope you and your brother can work together.
Eso…I am so sorry, I am glad you were able to make it. Please let us know how everything progresses. I can only log on at their clubhouse, so come once a dsy…will be home tomorrow night.
That’s good to hear she may be able to do Independent. I would like to find a facility with all 3 of course. She is mobile but walks slowly, can bathe and put herself together well. Her short term memory is failing and she is aware of that…seems to still have decent LT memory. She’s never been responsible for anything…financial or otherwise. Just get up, be presentable and tend to my Dads wants. Dad took care of her prescriptions, I mean everything. She’s on 4 prescription meds, and is still able to put them into her weekly day container. But for how long? But she can do it now. I hate to say this about my Mom, but it’s true. She’s not a very bright woman in many ways. She is cheerful, but has a nasty streak and DAd always kept that in check…we thought he was just mean…whicj he was that too…but I know now what he was doing with Mom to shut her up.
DH told me at some point if she and brother decide to build, there is nothing I can do. Just let him be aware of the Medicaid laws and if she needs that and can’t get to it yet because of the gifting…that they will have to take out loans for her care…and they are poor. He is always unemployed and she is the one that works. But if that happens, he and she will need to understand I will not care for her in that manner. She needs to be in a facility.
@conmama, my condolences. I hope that with time you will be able to retrieve all that brings you comfort in memories of your father. Good luck dealing with the move for your mom. Under the best of circumstances change is hard, and I will add to the chorus of those advising that you need to care for yourself…for you and for your family.
@esobay, I wish you calm and peace in these difficult days. Safe travels as you head to your mom and healing wishes for her.
Co mama, don’t know if you read far back. I moved Mom into independent living almost three years ago. She lasted about four months. It was the only way to get her to agree. The AL place really was good for her, a social being. She complained for a while and was always going to leave and go home, but this last year she said she was glad to be there and they took good care of her. Which was nice to hear for a change.
For today’s journey, she made it through the night. Her roommate was awful sick and noisy but we moved to a private room and she is resting peacefully. Not in hospice, but hospital listened to my saying she didn’t want to live like this so stopped all meds and treatments. She is strong though so we wait.
Things really came to a head today and I’ve checked into a hotel tonight. She has just been a complete pain in the ass this week. I know she has some level of dementia, but I’ve been working my butt off trying to get her finances in line, plus other things and getting ready to leave tomorrow with her…plus, we really are two completely different women. So, she has had this muscle knot all week and I’ve heard it over and over every 15 seconds. I’ve tried all sorts of things, but I just can’t stand the complaining anymore and have mentioned several times lets go yo medcheck. So, she called the owners of the condo over today and I have told her again and again to wait…we don’t know when We are moving her belongings…and where.
So, we are at the mall parking lot sitting in the care and I keep saying lets go yo medcheck, because she sounds like she’s dying. She finally said OK, then I said we will have to postpone with landlord. Oh no, she can’t do that. So…ok, I yelled at her…so then she started yelling and we got into it for about a minute. She telling me she wanted all her financial and other docs I had packed and she’s stsying with my brother. I told her yes you are, and she could have it all…all I’ve been trying to do is protect her all week and she’s been fighting me the whole time and I’m done. Good luck, I’m completely finished is what I told her. My brother can fleece her for all she’s got, but she’s on her own if she doesn’t want my help. We were home in 3 minutes, I texted my brother and told him to pick her up at the airport tomorrow. He said OK. He wanted her there anyway. He’s a momma’s boy and DH said he needs her financially and emotionally and she eats up all that hallmark crap he says all the time.
So, I’m wiping my hands of it. I’ve done a lot, but I’m not making myself sick over this. Plus, it’s sort of a huge relief not having her come home with me. I packed my bag and walked out…she was telling me to unzip the suitcases that we’ve already packed and I told her to do it herself and she was yelling as I left. I’m sure she is in complete shock I would do this, and frankly so am I.
So, that’s the lovely ending…almost…of this 10 days of my fathers passing. I will go to the condo tomorrow to drop off the car and wait for my private transfer to the airport. Who knows if she’ll go…not looking forward to that hour trip in the same car. I’m so ticked I changed our seats so we aren’t sitting together on the plane. Nobody knows how hard she is to get along with but DZh and myself it seems. I cannot wait to get home. You know…I’ve never yelled like that at my mom before…maybe it was better this happened now then if she had moved in.
Sorry for what you’re going through, conmama. At least your brother is more than willing to take your mother. Better to find this all out now instead of after she’d moved in with you .I remember when I had to move my mother and she wasn’t at all appreciative of what I was having to do. It was very difficult between us for a period of time, but we’re here to support you.