Of course, this is not a good time to make long term decisions. But, it sounds like it’s best your mom moves in with your brother at least temporarily.
@conmama, it sounds like you need to go home and regroup. You’ve been through an awful lot during the past couple of weeks and spending some time relaxing at home with your dh might make it a little clearer to decide what you should do about your mom.
If it happens that your brother and his family can tolerate her more easily than you, you don’t have to feel guilty! That’s perfectly all right for everyone, in my very humble opinion.
Here’s hoping that being home will let you rest and recoup.
Thanks all. I know you probably think I’m a terrible person, and I can’t fault you for that. You don’t know us from Adam, and only what I tell you. I have the most incredibly dysfunctional family ever. She hasn’t been that great of a mother to her first daughter, who is now 63, they are estranged. Since I had kids, she’s not been that great either. Yelled at me when both of my babies were days old, screaming at me. The first I had ppd and didn’t want her and Dad…especially Dad coming over every morning at 7:00. Then she was jealous of MIL because she was actually helpful. 2nd baby screamed at me because I didn’t want her and a Dad stsying with me when baby was born. MIL was staying again…quite competent and helpful and my mother jealous. Too bad, I needed someone who could really help. Actually, I never liked being around my Dad much and She knew that, but wouldn’t tell him she should just come. I felt anxious and annoyed having him around, but she obviously didn’t care…it’s what she wanted. She has also Left for extended vacations…like months… twice during terrible times in my life…once immediatly after I found out I had an acoustic neuroma and was freaking out.
Got mad because we wouldn’t let them live with us for 4 months each year, or even 3 weeks at a time. Very pushy people. 10 years ago we didn’t speak for 18 months. It’s just been hell with them for 22 years since they moved away actually. At least I could go months without being around them I guess. I don’t feel a lot of warm fuzzies for Mom much anymore.
Oh well, I’m just venting…probably TMI.
@oldmom4896 My brother is unemployed almost all his life and my parents funnel him money constantly, they won’t say how much. They have been his safety net and he has no problems taking from his elderly retired parents. I have been spending the week trying to protect her assets in all sorts of ways, and she is suspicious and fighting me all the way. But her baby boy…oh, she will give him everything. You know, she probably has about $250K plus SS to her name. Enough for a nice facility and to live on well. He will suck her dry. I finally told DH…I’m tired of trying to protect her. Let them all live together and he can have it all…that would be priceless for me to not have to put up with her.
All I told him was he better look up Medicaid laws and gifting. Can’t wait until I get home! Thanks for the support.
@conmama, deep breaths. No, we don’t think you are a terrible person! (At least I don’t, and I felt that way about myself sometimes, during my dad’s last few years, when I did my best to make sure he and my stepmother were ok. received nothing but support here and I am sure you will too.) As my craziest brother says, Dr. Freud Never Sleeps. This is a very emotional, tumultuous time. Go home to your dear husband (any kids at home?) and try to relax is my best wish for you right now.
hugs conmama - do not need to be guilty protecting yourself. Prayers for strength as you continue on with living life as happily as you can. You do not need to be your mother’s ‘whipping girl’. Too many people have been down some of your journey and know you are being as tolerant and giving as you can be. You need recharging.
Con mama I do not think you are a terrible person, I think you are a human being with real live actual feelings! There IS NO LAW that says we owe our parents the rest of their lives, especially when they didn’t start one off to ones life in that great of shape. I switched from you or I to ‘one’ to be more generic and less owned or finger pointy. Helps to vent anyway. My mom was never ever living with me, not even in the same town. 400 miles away is tough at this stage, but still is sometimes a nice distance.
Sounds like if you drop the rope, both your mother and your brother will be happy. You do not have to save her or him later either, just keep that in mind!
And on today’s roller coaster, mom rallied, ate lunch with a good appetite, walked to the bathroom several times. We restarted meds and are planning to take her back to AL place tomorrow…we being me and my nephew. Bro went home after her lunch. Two RNs and the Dr. Said she is a miracle lady, they did NOT expect to see this. She is tough and strong in body. I do intend to get hospice on board if they will continue her regular meds, thyroid and heart. But they will prevent another worthless trip to ER where she had two X-rays, a ct scan blood sucked and terrified into almost cardiac arrest because she didn’t know where she was or what they were doing. If hospice can give her morphine in the AL place, that will be perfect. The little care giver girls ( yeah, not PC, but they are both six inches shorter and at least 35 years, maybe 40 younger than me) came through like champs sitting with her until I got here and giving me a break for dinner. She is pretty confused when she wakes up and tries to go to the bathroom when she doesn’t know where it is and couldn’t push the button for help if her life depended on it, which it does… So I don’t want her here alone. I think in the familiar surroundings in her apartment she’ll be ok for short blocks of time.
It is a journey, and it is wearing me out. My DH has $$ down that she will schedule the next event while we are on our way to Germany in six weeks. Sounds about right…
I don’t think you’re terrible, either, conmama. In fact, I think we sometimes stretch ourselves beyond reason, trying to make them “happy” or satisfied. You have a right to do what’s best for you (and your husband and kids.)
Sometimes, when I look back, it seems my mother pulled crap at all the key points in my adult life- graduation, wedding, when we adopted, and at a lowest low. And she has no idea, no sense of what she did and the attitude she carried/carries, the cost to others around her. At times, we have to draw lines, we have to.
No judgment, Conmama . These circumstances can push us to the edge and have been a topic of much discussion here. The best thing can be how the information we gain shines light on the way forward. It is necessary and wonderful to know what is not desirable or possible, as well as what is.
Good thoughts for the trip home and a bit of space to yourself.
@conmama – you could jump back a hundred, or two hundred pages in this thread, and see times when others of us have hit the end of the rope. This is hard, hard stuff, and we’re all doing the very best we can – and it is even harder when parents get mean and uncooperative. This thread wouldn’t be 461 pages long if this process was easy or straightforward.
Give yourself some time, space, and kindness. You deserve it.
Conmama, you reached your limit. Nothing wrong with that. The stress of sudden illness and death, coupled with family dysfunction will do a number on anyone. No judgment here.
My mom is actually doing ok. Whether the care meeting where she was told long term care was the only option or simply feeling better was the reason for getting to work on her therapy, it worked. She is pushing herself and is doing so much better. We make her move around in her wheelchair herself and she’s telling us how much she wants to walk. There are still balance and strength issues and PT and OT won’t let her stand or use the walker w/o someone there with her. She does get to the bathroom and is able to maneuver with the chair and bars to seat herself. Still a long ways to go, but definitely headed in the right direction.
Oh, and she is taking care of herself, washing face, brushing teeth, wearing a bit of makeup if she goes out to the dr, and wanting decent clothing to wear.
Part of the Medicare appeal was that we didn’t have answers from the doctors about the seizures and heart issues and she was recovering from the 5 days in the hospital. Still nothing about the seizures, the cardiologist says she has the option of getting a pacemaker, and the sleep study showed she has severe sleep apnea - stopping breathing 89 times in an hour. It is no wonder she is exhausted and never feels like she’s had a good nights sleep. CPAP fitting next week.
It’s a long road. It takes so much out of us. I think mom is getting to the stage where we don’t have to spend every minute with her. I hope so, anyway, because between mom and work and the usual family stuff, I’m about done for. Yesterday I worked for several hours, had a few hours to myself, and then spent the evening with mom. Today it was work for 6’hours and go immediately to see mom for 3+ hours. This week will be 10-12 hour days and I get to work all next weekend as well. Cranky rant. I cancelled my vacation because of all of this and it looks like mid to late September before I can take a few days. blech.
conmama - I certainly don’t think you’re a terrible person. We always talk here about how much to be involved with parents who have been a toxic presence in their life. What do you owe them? Perhaps making sure they have food and lodging? Those basic needs are being met and you can rest easy knowing you don’t have to be involved for probably a good amount of time. No reason to protect your mom from your brother. It seems they have a mutual give and take which hopefully will work out for them. I can’t see the worst case scenario in this picture being so bad.
You are not a terrible person, conmama. We all have our limits and all have our own personal histories with our parents. Give yourself a break. I know you’re concerned about your mother’s finances if she moves in with your brother, but there’s only so much you can do. Let it go, at least for now.
Its such a challenge when the stress if dealing with difficult parents and siblings takes its toll on us. I feel for you. I took care of everything for my dad for 7 years after my mom died, and this was no easy task. He fell apart, needed lots of MH care as well as full-time caregiver aid and it was all done long distance. My brother, when he was involved, was destructive and manipulative. It was easier when he was not involved, which thankfully was most of the time. He caused nothing but trouble. I get that feeling of wishing I could have walked away. Thank heavens for my DH. We did it all. Handled all bills, home repair (hit by a hurricane, etc), issues with neighbors and their fallen trees, taxes, issues with the caregivers, case managers (I felt like I took care of them at times). car accidents, you name it. Its a thankless job-- takes a TON of time and travel to/from (1000 miles away). Never asked for a penny from anyone.
My dad was unwilling to leave his home and it was his money/his right. It was just very difficult. When his cashflow was a problem (we had to refinance his house, which was a mess, and access his LTC insurance, which was a HUGE ordeal). At one point we had to loan my dad a lot of $ (I had to take it from the budget Id been saving up for a kitchen remodel). My brother, who has plenty of money and no kids, refused to help and demanded a full accounting of dads money (um NO WAY) so it was on us. Dads attorney recommended we do a written loan (he drafted it and sent it to me) to protect our money against my brother. Well, initially my dad REFUSED to sign it, saying I should take it from whatever money is left when he died. I was so angry I wanted to cry and tell him to handle his own stuff. My brother hired a lawyer the day after the funeral and there were ongoing challenges for the 2 years dealing with his estate and the repair/sale of his home in a down economy, and continued threats from my brother.
So if you really can walk away, and not get sucked back into having to be responsible for helping to sell her property in FL and not having to have fiduciary responsibility for any of her stuff, and are not executor of the estate when she dies, it may give you peace of mind to step away.
My dad has been gone for 4 years now, and I still have a knee jerk reaction, when I hear of major weather issues in his area, worrying if I need to check that the caregivers can get to/from the house, etc. It takes a long time to heal.
That said, recognize that you are still reeling from the impact of your dad’s death. I made decisions too soon after my dad’s death that I regret. Give yourself some time. I agree that you need a break, perhaps a permanent one. But be sure you reel the same way about it 3 days in a row before finalizing a decision so you don’'t second guess yourselfdown the road. Hang in there, conmama.
Yes, on top of this, you need time to grieve and heal, re: your Dad. Even when it seems we are relieved by a death, we need time to adjust, get our balance (especially if we’ve been crisis managing,) find the new perspective to carry us through the new context(s.)
Over the course of this thread, so many here are struggling, one way or another. But for those who can afford it, one option can be to move an elderly relative to an inexpensive but appropriate local apartment, then arrange the level of assistance needed. We know this brings its own challenges, but it’s an intermediate step between them living with us and AL. Sometimes, less expensive, sometimes not. It depends.
I personally find two challenges to them living with us- the emotional or personality struggles and whether or not we are really qualified to manage their health and well-being the way trained folks in AL can. I’m no good with, eg, monitoring blood pressure, knowing the real right ways to do it and how to interpret, depending. My MIL’s final decline came after she mis-stepped on the stairs and broke her hip. We tried baby gates, we tried playing movies to entertain her, it really wasn’t enough. We had her at a day center, but they brought her home at 4:30, which mean’t we had to get home by then. Etc and etc.
As someone said earlier, in the old days, there were more people in and out of our houses, to share responsibilities. And frankly, so many women were home-centered.
I just can’t express enough the level of comfort I have read from all your posts. I hope someday I can do the same for someone. I went to her condo today and knocked on the door, although I had the keys. She came to the door and I asked if she was going to the airport with me. She answered that she wasn’t going with me anywhere. Mi handed her her keys and then walked away. My brother won’t answer my texts or calls, so I’m surmising they have something worked out. You can’t imagine the relief I felt riding in the car with the private transport on the way to the airport…which my plane is now delayed an hour of course.
I read in article that said it is NOT fair for parents to expect their adult children to take care of them, just because they took care of us as children. Apples and Oranges. We have children, typically a choice, to love, nurture, watch grow and rejoice in all the milestones. Changing a baby or toddler is a lot different then working with a 150 angry dementia exasperating parent continually on the decline. Our responsibility as a loving child is to make sure they are in a safe environment, with good care…hopefully our relationships are such we want to visit and do things…not be obligatory.
But give up our lives, happiness and health…no, that’s not fair.
I will tell this to my own children. I love them and I hope I see them a lot and they welcome me to their homes and family functions, but I won’t ever burden them with being a caregiver. That is not the reason they were conceived…I had them for me to love, not be my nursemaid. I think it’s wonderful for those who can do it and want to do it, but I just won’t be saddled with guilt because I don’t want to?
It will be interesting how this all plays out, but for now I can catch my breath. He wanted her, she wants him…so be it. If she gives him all her money, as she’s never managed it…well, there’s nothing I can do about that, right. It will be on his conscious. I will always know I had her best interests at heart.
Hugs to conmama and everyone one else who have gone through the love-hate relationship with their parents.
conmama, I can relate to your story. I have one sibling who always gets the benefit of the doubt, and the money, and I end up being the one who gives the money back to my dad when he needs it.
It will be a matter of pride to my brother to take my dad in, whether my dad wants to go or not. And my brother will ask me for money, I would bet, to help “take care of dad” ignoring all the plane tickets, hotels, food, etc. that my dad has paid 100% for for my brother in the past. Every time I take my dad out to dinner, we pay. Every time my dad is invited on vacation with my brother, my dad pays 100%.
But holding onto that will not be productive. I just try to make sure my children’s futures will not be negatively impacted by my brother’s and dad’s bad decisions.
@conmama, I am glad you felt relief leaving your mom today. Nothing wrong with that, and you’ll be home soon! Yay!
When you started posting here a few weeks ago, I suggested therapy/counseling/whatever, and I suggest it again. Also (and/or maybe the counselor/therapist can help with this), some relaxation/meditation/mindfulness practice could help a lot. It helped me, when I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin, I felt so stressed out/angry/guilty/overwhelmed.
In advance, welcome home!
Conmamma, you did all that you could do and frankly, even a bit more. You can not do more without sacrificing your health and maybe even the relationship with your husband/kids. Your mother has made her choice and you are completely free to walk away. And when your brother calls for help (and he will), remember that when and if you answer, do so on your terms. You do not have to dance just because he comes looking for a dance partner.
Now, have a peaceful flight home. 
Conmama, nope, you’re not terrible. You’re human and all humans have their breaking point. Some time apart will enable everyone to decompress a little.
You’ve learned the most important lessons – quickly! You deal in her best interest. You set boundaries. You do the best you can, and then you let it go. Nice work.
Eso, wow about your mom. Can you put a plan in place now for someone to deal with any crisis which would interfere with your trip?