Conmama. …another non judgment here. Right now im avoiding my mom. I’m recovering from surgery and moving and my husband and daughter are leaving tomorrow for college. I just don’t have it in me to hear her talk about her complaints and aches and pains. It always goes back to her, and I have declared that I need to get a handle on me right now. She is the neediest person I know. She’s in a wonderful ccrc but seriously wants family looking after her and waiting on her every minute.
I would never recommend taking a parent in and I think it’s selfish of parents to do that to their kids. Maybe it works out for some, I just haven’t seen it in person.
My grandmother lived with us. In the begining, both of my grandparents lived with us. My grandfather’s health took a turn for the worse and my grandmother didn’t drive so they moved to my parent’s home (I was in 4th grade at the time). This way my parents could help with the dr visits and ultimately hosp visits. He died less than a year later.
My grandmother stayed with us until she died about 15 years later. It worked quite well because my grandmother was one of the most selfless people I have ever met. She was a great cook and my mother was not, so she took over the kitchen (and we all rejoiced!). She also did a lot of the yard work/gardening. She more than did her share around the house and never complained. It only got hard at the end when her health took a bad turn. This period was fairly short as her health deteriorated quickly. In the end, my mom regretted not calling in hospice sooner as they were truly a Godsend although they were only involved for a very short time.
Anyway, my point was that it can work to have a parent/in-law move in, but it helps tremendously if that person is as gracious and helpful as my grandmother was. She never talked about her pains and never tried to guilt any of us to do anything.
However, my mother is thankfully in good health because when the time comes and she needs more help, I have no idea what I will do. She isn’t cut from the same cloth as my grandmother.
@zeebmom glad to hear that your Mom is settling down and in. My Mom did as well when she went 3(!!) years ago. I don’t think she would be alive to day if she hadn’t gone. She has had much better quality of life and got to see her great grandson walk.
Just an update from out of the trenches. Friday a week ago, Mom went to the hospital, probably low blood pressure. They tested her blah blah blah and came to no real conclusions. Maybe pneumonia (probably just seeing old heart failure stuff). Maybe afib/tachachardia . They have no idea. During more testing (that I had requested they NOT do) the next day she really went down, which is when they called and said they were not certain she would last until we arrived (Both bro and I live 7 hr drive away and there is no faster way to get there). We had said DNR, DNI and so they stopped everything except morphine for pain and oxygen. As the morphine wore off, she started fighting the oxygen. They didn’t come check vitals or anything. But she really rallied and on Sunday was back on meds and food. On Monday she was flirting with the Dr. and got discharged. On Monday I called hospice and got them to visit her in the hospital and had them almost in place by the time she was discharged. I wanted hospice involved because these hospital trips and tests are just really useless!
So I know that hospice in each state is a little different. This is OR. The hospice leaves her current primary care Dr. and his control of her meds in place. They send an aide twice a week to check on Mom and send an LN once a week and an RN once a week. For this first week, they have been visiting and really getting to know her. I got the AL place to dial back their care (which no every place would be willing to do) but hospice will give Mom her showers and medicare pays them, so I don’t need to pay for that service from the AL place. Plus the hospice aids are a LOT more experienced with old people/showers. The AL place aides do not seem to get a lot of training, plus they don’t stay around very long. With hospice, Mom should have the same person for a long time. The hospice RN can get Mom new meds for anxiety or pain without a trip to the Dr. The AL place is now to call them instead of 911. This is perfect for me and my brother is on board with it. There are some more out of pocket expenses because we added private care givers … the AL place was taking Mom to eat meals in the wheel chair (she’d been too weak to walk for a while after the flu). and then leaving her sit there until lunch. So the private girls take her and bring her back from meals and have her walking there in her walker! They put her on the bus to go feed the ducks.
Mom sounded pretty confused this morning, I think the ramp up with too much attention has been hard on her, but at this point better to wear out than rust out is my motto. So boat rocking is slowing down and on we go. This hospice is a bit weird because as they spend more time with Mom, the better she seems. I am afraid both that they will be dismissed and that they will be really needed in the next month.
Hospice is approved when one is expected to have less than 6 months. I have known a few that didn’t expire during that time frame, but they will continue care unless they have indications that the person is not dying - maybe Hospice is trying to get to know your mom @esobay and will adjust accordingly.
Sometimes the extra care hospice provides means the recipient improves – FIL was placed on hospice care in November but is still with us.
So glad hospice is working out Eso. I doubt hospice will discharge your mom over the next few months. It will give you a chance to catch your breath and know she is in good hands. Your mom now has a much better quality of life because of the systems you worked hard to put in place. What a wonderful daughter!
esobay, the hospice that I worked with in our state had a set time period after which they reeavaluated. I am remembering 3 months, so I think you can rest easy for that time.
Warning about Hospice in an AL setting.
First, thanks all for comments regarding hospice. I think they are a valuable resource and can help with a lot of things.They will stay 90 days at least.
My current warning/problem is that I asked the intake lady that a warning be put in Mom’s file that she should NOT be told people are visiting from Hospice. Mom is demented, NOT STUPID. She’ll figure it out and I think it would make her sad. I also asked that every person to visit her, call and let me know first. I am out of town and although I don’t think I am a control freak I am very protective of Mom. She is agreeable and compliant and will say whatever she thinks they want to hear. I’d like to coach them a little first so I asked that they call me BEFORE going to see her!
So far, because they can just walk in and see her, we are 4 for 4 visitors that didn’t call to let me know they were coming and at least two of them announced themselves HI I am X from xx Hospice! Oh good.
Plus one of them told me she’d visit Mom on Wednesdays when she visits the guy next door. UM, so much for HIS privacy! I talked to the intake person two times about this. And just now, yet another person is in Mom’s apartment (my private care giver girls let me know) So I called and Mom said she has visitors and I said can I talk to them. And the lady said HI I am X from Hospice. I said. Yes, I know you are and you are not supposed to be letting Mom hear that! grrr grrr grrr.
It is just cautionary. Those of you that are trying to deal with this by remote control might find little issues like this not to be a problem, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. In a home setting where the person is in bed with 24/7 care, it might not happen. But Mom is up, dressing, and spends time alone in her apartment (Doesn’t sound like she needs hospice does it?) But she would forget to eat if we didn’t have help. I don’t want her to go to the hospital. That is all I want hospice for, not this flood of people “chatting” with her constantly.
Can’t put the genie back into the bottle however.
Sorry for the communication problems, eso. Can they put a sign on her door with your phone # and ask they call you before entering?
Is there more than one Hospice available eso? Maybe you can have another hospice hired. You need to talk to the head administrative person of the Hospice firm you are using. If they can’t follow a simple instruction…
@SOSConcern , there are two in her small town. I went with this one because two years ago, Dad’s wife had to have hospice and her kids are local and I thought they would vet and pick the better one. Since I am out of town and don’t have much contacts available to ask, I went with what they had done.
And believe me, the owners will be hearing about this on Monday. I have talked and emailed the intake person several times, but “It is so busy!” “We had meetings” blah blah blah. The lady today said she hadn’t been to the office this week. Well then, how did she get Mom’s file? was it emailed? was there a note to CALL me in the file?
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If the hospital hadn’t told both brother and I (and I assume recorded it for hospice to see) that Mom was hours away from death on Saturday, then I don’t think they would have taken her. She is mostly physically OK, but her blood pressure has become very unstable. It was bad in Nov, worse in April, I went to the Dr. with her about it in April and in June, and then this hospital visit. I know her primary care is trying to balance blood pressure/energy to do stuff/ and leg swelling, but it sure has seemed to escalate a lot. And that is why I’d like hospice to stand by, to avoid a hospital trip that does nothing.
Short story. It’s been rough. My mom died last month. My FIL is now in hospice.
About hospice…my mom died in hospital. We talked to hospice a day before she died. So many emotions! My dad held out for more care. I think it was a good choice under the circumstances.
FIL…he wanted to go home from the hospital. EVERYONE knew that was a total disaster in the making. He came home ONE night. And yes, it was not a good situation. No way was home a viable option. He was admitted to hospicethe following day. Don’t do this…the re-certification etc is nerve-wracking.
Hospice was a god send. The facility is beautiful and the staff are angels. One thing I hadn’t factored in was that the staff is so specialized in end of life care. I wish right now that my mom could have had their care.
That is NOT to say that the hospital nurses didn’t care–they did very much. But end of life is not their specialty.
So sorry @gouf78. So glad your father-in-law is in a good setting.
My dad had hospice care in the hospital (just a few days between his stroke and his death and they had room to put him in a single room for hospice care without transferring him) and it was wonderful.
Eso, you’re not a control freak, but I have so many problems managing my mom’s care when I’m 5 minutes away. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to do it by remote control. Agree with GT, you are a wonderful daughter! You are doing everything you can possibly do to get things set up right for you mom. It’s just a shame that medical entities all seem to be inefficient bureaucracies, where the right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing. Hopefully all of this is intake kinks which will be quickly sorted out.
I wouldn’t worry too much at this point about hospice kicking her out. They surely know that for frail elders, the plateaus never last for long, and the declines can be so rapid.
I would talk to the assisted living about the possibility of putting a DNH or “do not hospitalize” order in her chart. Such an order does not require hospice care.
So sorry, gouf.
I don’t know that I feel the same way about eldercare as expressed in this essay but this quote made me laugh:
I remember having a lovely evening with friends when I got a call from my dad’s and stepmother’s caregiver that the stove was on fire and my dad wouldn’t let her call 911. Oy!
Caregiving: A Burden So Heavy, Until It’s Gone
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/08/08/caregiving-a-burden-so-heavy-until-its-gone/
GTAlum, I would have put DNH on Mom in a heart beat, but their rules didn’t allow it. And I can’t blame the med aid for sending Mom. The RN (one RN for 85 people) works only 5 days a week. If she isn’t there, the medical side is not really very well trained. On weekends, they do have a “manager” there for emergencies, once when I went, the highest level manager available was the cook. yeah, she needs to call 911 if a resident is in distress.
Also, I’d forgotten that when some people say “in Hospice” they mean a place like a hospital. All the hospice I have experience with was that hospice was coming to the person’s home. In Mom’s case, they are, too. But it is not exactly the same as a private home.
I have noted, probably here, too, that Mom’s projection has gone from 16 year old. to 6 year old (about 6 months ago) to 4 year old most days now, except when she is a toddler who can’t quite walk and talk. Some days are definitely toddlers.
Why are elderly people so angry and negative? My DH just spent a few days visiting his 91 year old mother in Dallas, and I spent last evening with my parents, after not seeing them for several weeks. Same experience - negative energy, endless complaining, no appreciation of being alive or of anything for that matter. What is the point of them living into their 80s and 90s if all they do is complain? I just hope I remember this and am not like this in 30 years.
My dad was like that. Lexapro really helped.