Is there an alternative to driving? My mom’s place has a car and driver that will take residents within a certain area and they have bus trips to all the local stores.
Not having a way to get around is very limiting and folks hate having to wait for others to be available to transport them.
But not having your child is also limiting, and people hate having to go to the funeral of a child killed by a senior who should not have been driving.
Life and death.
(Something about elder care had to be clear cut…)
He does have people available to drive him, but he has to plan ahead, no one right next door will drive him. But the neighbor next door will pick up supplies for him at the store, a job she just took on when he came home from the hospital after his stroke. So he has options, just not ones that he likes.
His family was shocked to discover that he has “cleared” himself to drive already. We just did not see that level of irresponsibility coming. So the potential confrontation tomorrow will be ugly, but might as well get it over with. I don’t think he has driven since Monday, I’ve driven him to 2 appointments and the doctor visits have exhausted him.
I’ve spent a lot of time with him this week, and am somewhat shocked at how much his cognitive condition has deteriorated, probably a result of the stroke. In a single encounter with him he seems to make sense and can appear to respond appropriately to questions. But having observed him interacting with different people from the ER marathon Monday thru the cardiologist appointment today, I can see that his short term memory is now shot. What he told doctors was a mixture of reality and fantasy, with some time shift thrown in. I let him answer all the doctors’ questions, because of course they need to evaluate not just his symptoms but his ability to describe them. But when he said something so far off the wall that it would affect his treatment I corrected the record after he finished his answers.
Oops, look at the time. It appears to be wine o’clock already
is taxi an option?
A taxi would be a good option if we were solving a transportation problem. Unfortunately, the problem has to do with agency and control. He doesn’t want anyone telling him what he can’t do. He is also incapable or recognizing his own limitations, so the controls we are trying to impose on him (not driving) seem hostile and cruel.
Yes, I think what some like is the ability to be spontaneous and they fear losing that.
Yes, and it’s a huge loss of independence, to depend on the kindness or paid service of others.
I knew a family that had a running tab with the taxi service so they actually never had to pay for it from their view. My mother took one taxi ride with a caregiver (PA) and decided they drive too fast and never did it again. The caregiver services in the small town did not transport. Unfortunately her neighbors drove her to all her appointments and it wore them down. The senior transport had to have a notice days in advance. She refused to use the regular bus that was 2 houses down. There is no perfect solution.
My mom is having valve surgery on January 4 in NYC. My sister who chose this expensive and out of the area hospital declared she’ll just do the drop off and pick up. My other sister has no money so I booked the hotel for us in Manhattan with a concierge lounge so my sister could eat while there. There is no expectation my brother will participate at all. I have limited my stay to 3 nights in the hotel. My family expectation is that someone stays with mom all day, just leaving to sleep and grab something to eat. Is that what other families do? I personally don’t want people hanging around me all the time post surgery.
Is this while she is still in the hospital? how long is she expected to stay in the hospital?
And where does she go next? Is this something where you just “pick up” the patient?
I did get a middle of the night call when my mother was hallucinating post surgery (Triple bypass.) That ICU was open to visitors 24 hours.
I think you have to look at the post-surgical period as you’d look at it for a child who was too young to advocate for themselves. If you think your mother is going to need help or advocacy, you should be there to provide it.
She’ll check in Sunday night for an early Monday morning procedure. She’s expected to be released Friday or Saturday. Both sisters will be there Monday, I arrive Tuesday morning and will stay until Friday afternoon. She should be released Friday or Saturday morning. She may not even need rehab. If she does she can stay at her own place where there is a floor for rehab.
It varies a lot what other families do. I almost think that she will need more attention after discharge.
As our parents age, hospitalizations / ER visits become more frequent. It becomes, in my experience, less of a sprint and more of a marathon.
Eyemamom, interesting question you asked about family members staying with relatives while hospitalized, I wondered what other people did,too. We have stayed with loved ones as you are doing. I slept on a cot when my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 30 years ago, and when my mother had benign brain tumor removed in NYC my sister and I were called by recovery room nurse in the middle of the night,because she was not coming out of anesthesia as expected. Luckily we were staying a block away, ( and they knew this) and in we went trying to help bring her out. Stubborn woman, she didn’t awake despite our attempts, but the next day she did, and she’s alive 20 years later.
My husband’s cousins are doctors in Germany and they stayed around the clock, at night, when their father was dying. They took turns doing the night shift, and when I heard that I felt that my sister and I were not quite so “unusual”. It’s exhausting.
It’s reassuring for the patient, who may have some effects from anesthesia, delusions ect. My uncle called me thinking the staff were stealing from him or conspiring against him. He had a history of this.
I think that staying at the hospital most of the time is a good idea, for a few reasons. 1) As with medical appointments outside a hospital, having someone along to talk to the physician(s) will make it more likely that necessary information will be conveyed and important questions asked and answered. 2) Hospital staff are very busy. Family or friends can help with certain tasks (e.g., getting the water glass that’s just a bit too far away; accompanying the patient to the bathroom) and can be the squeaky wheel for summoning help for other tasks. 3) As @SouthJerseyChessMom said, some patients will become disoriented, and having a family member or friend around will help mitigate the effects.
eyemamon, best of luck to you and your family. My mom was fairly healthy and independent when she had a valve replaced at age 80, and is still healthy and independent 10 years later. But she spent a full month in the hospital, the first 2 weeks in ICU, because of some adverse reactions to drugs. You just never know what to expect.
Good news bad news. FIL is in the hospital trying to get his foot infection under control. He had one set of car keys with him when he went to the hospital, which we took home with us. I found the other fob in his dresser and hid it somewhere else in the house, so even when he comes home he can’t drive. Hooray!
Why not just take the fobs out of the house?