Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parent Cafe
7621

The SIL who reported FIL to the DMV, and the BIL who was ready to disable the car if he wouldn’t hand over the keys both drive cars that are very difficult and maybe unsafe for FIL to get in and out of - one is a very small, low sports car, and the other is a very big, high truck. They need the key fob to take him to doctor’s appointments using his car. Otherwise DH and I are stuck with all of that.

The plan, to the extent we have one yet, is that they will have a plan to pass the fob to each other without letting FIL know where it is. DH will keep the other one here. No one plans to tell the BIL who gave away the hiding place last time anything.

7622

Except for this last hospital stay, which ended up being for (another) UTI, we’ve tried to spend nights and much of the day with mom. We felt she got better care by keeping the miscellaneous calls for lost remotes, water, etc. to a minimum so the staff knew that when she called it meant something. There were also instances of her not getting meals when ordered, beeping IVs that took forever to clear, and panicked attempts to get out of bed.
It helps that the hospital she usually goes to, except for this last time, has all private rooms.

7623

Agree that being in the hospital for significant chunks of time can make a difference to your relative and to you. Getting first hand info and trouble shooting can be very helpful for figuring out next steps. If the hospital is planning to discharge to home (not rehab), you can do your own assessment of their readiness. Simply saying “We just tried to take a walk and he could not transfer without assistance, stand up, go three steps, etc.” can change the plan appropriately. Same with cognitive issues which may be transient and secondary to their medical condition. Family members are more likely to be aware of the full scope of the problem, as well as how far they are from their baseline.

Sending good wishes to all as we navigate the holiday season. Take good care of yourself and simplify if a lot of energy is going into accommodating your elders. With my father’s severe memory loss, in hindsight I realize that I continued traditions longer than they mattered to him. That was okay if it worked all around, not so much if it demanded too much of either party. He can no longer travel to our home due to mobility issues. Meals are challenging for him physically (due to severe arthritis). We have learned to visit in small groups,rotate in and out if more people, bring a simple desert, and have a couple of easy open gifts. Works all around. The Alzheimer’s Association has numerous articles about handling the holidays that could be helpful.

I appreciate all the learning that goes on here. Wishing everyone a happy New Year and the chance to put your feet up!

7624

Travelnut, good points!
My brother lives 400 miles from Mom to the East; I live 400 miles to the south. We both thought of visiting her and bringing her home to have Christmas. But then I thought about it and vetoed it. She gets disoriented in her own apartment (tried to go to bed out in the hall last night so I could sleep in her bed). We decided to be here today take her to the nutcracket ballet and open presents. I’ll take a pic and it will remind her that she had Christmas with family.

I heap many blessings on care givers. I am already at my wit’s end (don’t say because they are so small to start with) . She put my pj top on over her nice clothes dressed to go to the ballet and wont take them off. I decided it didn’t look that bad and at least she will be warm. But I couldn’t do it every day.

7625

I’m a little worried about my mom even making it to the 4th for her surgery. She was complaining yesterday about how much she was having to pee. I imagine that lasix is really working overtime on her. My sister took her out last night and said she looked really awful, dark circles under her eyes and barely mobile. My sister just stopped in to see her. Both of them don’t think about her needing to go to the hospital to get the fluids off her lungs. I’ll be checking in shortly to suggest a trip to the doctor to listen to her.

7626

Is there a pre-admit assessment required for the surgery?

7627

Arrrggghhh ! FIL was supposed to be released from the hospital today to the SNF for rehab. Waiting, waiting…oops, turns out the SNF we toured this morning that said they had a bed available didn’t actually have a bed available. Someone who was supposed to check out did not. Tried to go with another SNF, but the hospital caseworker left for the day and we can’t get it arranged. DH and BIL are about ready to blow, and FIL just keeps asking to go home. Dang, I thought we were going to get this over with today. FIL will stay in the hospital tonight, we’ll try again tomorrow.

Has to go better tomorrow, right?

7628

Hugs, hoping tomorrow goes very well indeed.

7629

Hoping your tomorrow goes better.

One sister and I took Mom to the dr today. Another UTI. At least her lungs were clear so no pneumonia. We took her for Thai for lunch after and 3 of her grandaughters joined us. We are total losers when it comes to getting her in and out of the wheelchair and car.

My H took off for a couple of days to our vacation place. Of course he gets the call that his dad had an angina attack, took 5 nitro pills, couldn’t get (deaf) MILs attention, and refused to push the button or call 911. Tag his sister is around; I have enough trouble just dealing with my mother. He seemed ok after, I guess, but he went totally against the dr’s instructions.

And life goes on, doesn’t it? At least I’m off til Jan. 4th.

7630

eye , mom, and zee - I have nothing to offer but I also hope for things to go better.

7631

Well tomorrow is today and I hope this day goes better for everyone… I’m so sorry to hear what many of you are dealing with, especially when there is just a slim chance of a positive outcome.

. My husband is picking up my Mom from my sister this afternoon - they’re each driving an hour to meet at a Farmers Market. Mom’s been living at my sister’s for about ten days now and they’ve already developed a routine. I have set up my son’s room here for her with some of the things from her old house (#1 son will share #2 son’s bedroom over Christmas) and I hope that will make her smile and not be sad. I know she wanted her things used and not thrown away. We have a crowd coming for Christmas and I am not ready at all…

7632

Wishing the best for all of you dealing with difficult situations right now. Take care of yourselves the best you can.

7633

I am home after six weeks at the in laws, along with other family members, we got her out of the hospital into the right SNF post broken hip, then we got FIL to move into Independent Living, then we moved him in less than two weeks, to Assisted Living
He is fighting everything, he is such a PITA
He is fighting giving up driving, on & off, over and over, one day we got permission to sell the car, then before we could get it sold, he claimed he never said that
We are working with the AL & the physical therapy people to get him to agree to give up, for now, he claims he will not bring it up until PT is complete, but, he has already made several requests to have the car at his AL place. We “oops” left town without doing that and he hung up on us when he found out.
He is such so needy and so angry
MIL finished up PT and as moved to a board and care home, literally $5k LESS per month, but now, after nearly 50 years of marriage, they are in two different places and that only furthers his argument about the car
It was so sad to leave her there, so helpless. I find myself having dreams involving her. I wish I could bring her to my area, so I could check on her often, but I don’t want him nearby, that would be crazy making

7634

It turns out that December 23 is not an optimum time to move into SNF for rehab, but that’s what FIL did. Their normal policy is to have a family conference within 72 hours of check in, but ours will be Monday, so that’s 5 days after check-in, and DH and I had to go by the place on December 26 and specifically request it, it wasn’t offered.

FIL, meanwhile, honestly does not know why he was there. He thinks he belongs at home, and he has told his family every day since he checked in that this is the day he expects to go home. He remembers that he has been through PT already, and doesn’t know why he needs more of it. We visited on Christmas day, and told him he needs to stay longer so he can regain his strength, which seemed to be ok. But then he called DH that night and said he never agreed to stay there and he wants to go home immediately, and by the way people keep telling him Merry Christmas. Is this Christmas? Then he yelled a DH some more, and demanded to be included in a meeting to decide whether he can go home.

And gosh, are his filters gone! Oh my, no ethnic group, gender, or size of person has escape his comments the last few days. Wow. Didn’t know he had it in him.

We haven’t heard the assessment from the PT/OT/ST team, but he does not have a walker in the room, and the social worker told us that is because they do not have confidence that he can transfer and walk safely, so they don’t let him have one (yet). He seemed content to be in a wheelchair although he has never used one before except in hospitals. Also, he is back to drinking thickened liquids because he forgot how to swallow again. He crumpled up the sheet that tells them to bring him thickened liquids, but somehow they remember!

My great fear is that the weak BIL will agree to take him home, but probably that’s just me catastrophizing. I’m hoping he will agree to participate in the PT/OT and set goals for what he needs to be capable of before making the next move. I offered to bring him some things from home for his room. He smiled and chuckled and said he didn’t think that was necessary. So the next issue may be where does he go next. He will never agree to pay to be in “a home” or to have enough help in his home for us to consider him safe. BIL may have to go for conservatorship, but that’s a battle we don’t want to start until we are assured of winning, because FIL will be furious. Ok, enough worrying about what might happen. We have the family conference tomorrow, I’ll focus on that.

7635

Just moved m-i-l into another AL facility. The one she was in was beautiful - but all she did was complain. Everything from the food to the activities to the residents. She is 92 and has always been difficult to please. The new AL is brand new - just opened - only 12 people so far. She says the food is better. She doesn’t like the people much.

I do think it is hard to relocate someone who has spent 91 years in NY and Florida to Texas!

7636

MIL is settled in board and care at $5000 less monthly than SNF; in each case she won’t get quite the care we wish for, the personal interaction, but at least the B&C calls her by her lifelong nickname!
FIL is settled in assisted living, angry, may never forgive BIL for not bringing the car to the AL, DH & I will check in next week & we shall see how that goes with the whole car issue
His regular focus is how they can get their prior caregiver & them set up in an apartment, hopefully no one will actually help him make that happen!! He schemes constantly how to get her into their lives again

7637

Have any of you asked your complaining parent where they should be instead? We have asked my mom and the reality is she wants to be back in time. There really is no making her happy. My sister is truly ruining her own life jumping through hoops to make my mom happy. Just yesterday my mom called for a nurse to check her blood pressure, which was normal. She’s so anxious and depressed and won’t take her medicine. She just wants to live with one of us and none of us can handle it. She won’t even try to make friends with the residents and complains non stop about the terrible food, which is better than anything she ever made, and all the old people, who are way friendlier and more active.

7638

Yes eyemamom, my mother ‘home’. she is 93 and has moderate dementia in an AL. my FIL ‘home’ and he is 95 with a right sided stroke in a wheelchair with dementia in a nursing home. neither can function without 24 hr care. both are just not on this planet.

7639

With my FIL, on this last go round, we stopped arguing with him, every time he complained about something, we did not try to fix it, instead we listened and expressed that we understood how he felt. But we did not argue, discuss, fix, etc. Most of the time (car excluded) he talked himself in a circle back to the choice that we made being the best of a bad situation

I feel sad for my MIL who should have been able to die in her home of 50 years with a caregiver, but FIL refused to hire anyone for the caregiver’s days off and he kept dropping her, now she is safe, but every time I talk to her she wants to go home. But then, she also wants a puppy and has for 20 years, so going home is as realistic as getting a puppy and we are refusing to engage, refusing to get sucked into the discussion, we listen, then we change the subject. Overall it kept us much more sane than usual.

She can choose to make the best of it or not, but she is where she is and only she can make that choice.

7640

yikes, sounds like lots of holiday stress. We all just have to plug along and NOT borrow trouble. I used to do that, trying to anticipate how I’d fix something before it even broke. Now I let it break (mostly) before starting the fixing… and lots of my worst fears never happened.

eyemom, sounds about right … they want to live back in time, when they were the ones making everything happen, or in my mom’s case, she has gone back further. Now she is the littlest daughter, spoiled by her daddy. I can see she was a very charming 5 year old.

My aunt died on Christmas Day. My poor cousin, her dad is the one with dementia (living at home, up all night, putting his blankets in the toilet… ) My aunt’s heart gave out she couldn’t try to keep things going any longer was my opinion. I expect my cousin to stroke out (very high blood pressure) and lots of stress with raising her grandson and both her kids (30’s) should be in jail. She gets smashed from both sides.

After a great outing with Mom, she is back to forgetting how to swallow and find words. I am grateful every day she didn’t fight too much to get out of the AL place when we finally got her in there. It has been 3 years already.