Agreeing with above posters. We moved her because the new AL is slightly less expensive and is closer to b-i-l. Nothing would ever stop the complaining.
The new AL does not offer pineapple sorbet/sherbet. Seriously? I have never in 28 years of knowing her ever hear that this was a favorite or something she served. New AL said they will get some for her.
I, too, agree with everyone. Mom said to my sister today that she wants nothing more than a cozy room with a chair, but not where she’s living. The adult family home (must be like a board and care home) where she lives is not to her liking, but she didn’t go out of her apartment unless pushed, so we don’t quite understand. I know it is the loss of independence and control.
The people there are so nice and take such good care of her, but it isn’t her own place. One of the aides has called a few times while she’s been on her annual vacation.
She wants independent living, but that won’t happen. Even assisted living isn’t possible.
I made Christmas night dinner at MIL/FIL, in kitchen (or doing some laundry for H and MIL) from mid-morning until dinner time (dinner for 12 adults). Then another SIL made Saturday night dinner - with dinner for 16 she wisely used disposable plates to help with clean-up and made delicious salad, spaghetti with meat sauce, fresh sliced french bread, garlic and regular butter, etc. When FIL knew we were having spaghetti, he promptly asked ‘with meatballs?’ and when she said no (and before she had time to say the sauce was a meat sauce) he loudly proclaimed ‘have to have meat balls’…SIL sucked it up as we all need to do with MIL/FIL often saying things that are not appropriate/appreciative comments. We will not recreate the past - things are different…This SIL almost didn’t come because she has trouble handling the stress she feels there.
We had to enjoy our time together as we could.
FIL told us when we left how he appreciated us coming and wanting to come. However many behaviors of his send signals to stay away! MIL and FIL have many good personality aspects but they cover them up with the other behaviors that are just so annoying and difficult to tolerate.
I truly think MIL will pass first - wearing herself out doing things FIL pushes, pushes, pushes.
My aunt just passed away. I think she was worn out with the chaos in her life. Her husband has pretty bad dementia (up all night putting the blankets in the toilet kind). He is super thin, no thought of moving him to a facility. The one I expect to drop dead is my cousin who looks after him, her worthless evil daughter and her 8 year old grandson, while trying to get bail for her son. She has had a terrible life with a very bad husband (fortunately now dead). She has high blood pressure. My aunt and she never really did the “put your own mask on first” survival thing.
Don’t be that person!
I’m sorry esobay. I will not go down with the ship. I will not sink my own kids either. I recently ran a retirement calculator just to make sure. I figure if it gets a little difficult for me to have the kids home from college, I won’t be a picnic for them either.
The biggest failure seems to be a failure to plan.
I’m sorry so many are dealing with cranky elders. It is really challenging. I think many get crankier because they are upset with themselves that they are losing control and want to understand what’s going on. I know my relatives get more difficult when they are confused–dad gets very angry and mom just keeps calling me to figure out what’s going on. Changes in routine are very tough on them.
“back in time” sounds about like where my FIL would rather be. He called last night to tell DH that “this hotel is terrible, but I guess I’ll stay another night.”
If he can’t be back in time, he wants to be at home with the invisible house fairies taking care of everything - shopping, cleaning, cooking, maintenance, finances, bathing, dressing, laundry, etc. He does not want to pay anyone to do these things, he does not want strangers in the house doing these things, he does not want to be a burden on his family so he doesn’t want us doing those things, and he can’t do them himself. Also, he wants to drive anywhere anytime.
Once you accept the fact that the only things he wants are things that he can’t have and no one can give him, it gets easier to make decisions about what he can have. What keeps him safe and lets us sleep at night? He won’t ever agree to any particular change in his location or freedoms, but once we impose one on him he seems to accept it eventually. So maybe he’ll stay in the terrible hotel another night.
We had a conference at the SNF yesterday. He claims he falls out of bed 3 times a night, and that people wake him up at 3 or 4 am, multiple times per night, to do tests or whatever. And they won’t give him cranberry juice, which is hard to prove when there is a cup of cranberry juice on your bedside table. The social worker listened and told him the problems would be fixed. He really isn’t falling out of bed - no bruises, and the PTs can assure us that if he were on the floor he would need help getting up. But he doesn’t like it there and wants sympathy. As for the middle of the night tests, that probably did happen in the hospital, but that was last week not last night. So it’s hard to know when he has a valid complaint and when we need to listen sympathetically and move on.
After returning from 8 days with MIL/FIL - I was with them 7 days in June - MIL has declined a lot more. When I stopped by our church today, I wrote a prayer in the prayer book for them. 3 of 4 sons were home (the other was home in Aug - due to retail work could not come for Christmas). Rosary was laying on the bed, so that was a reassuring thing to me - the need for divine intervention for a happy death for FIL and then MIL if that is God’s plan.
MIL’s older sister and three of her children along with son-in-law visited; lady has very bad dementia and weak heart (had triple bypass in her 60’s) - is alive due to good care - lives with one daughter and the other two daughters and two sons each spend a night with mom, along with hired help. Came out of Hospice care - she had pulmonary issues and there was a suggestion of stopping the meds - oldest dau said it ‘didn’t feel right’ and they advocated for full treatment. Lady is so sweet and well cared for - she doesn’t even recognize that they are her children but knows they are friendly and safe. I had a similar colored sweater on like hers and she just brightened up seeing me.
If MIL dies first, we will offer FIL to move in with us (many states away) or if he wants to go to local nursing home where he has many friends in the area. None of the other sons/DILs would take him in due to the stress he creates. I have been DIL the longest (over 36 years) so he and I could work things out (grandchildren are away at college and we are essentially empty nesters), One SIL has trouble even handling a weekend with him present - and legitimate issues with MIL too.
Virtual hugs and prayers to all the care givers and for our loved ones.
“this hotel is terrible, but I guess I’ll stay another night.”
That is indeed a line to enjoy, @MomofJandL –
So glad he didn’t ask to swap hotels in the middle of the night! Maybe he’ll come to like the hotel, especially if the staff is nice. 
Today, I was able to convince mom to wear one of the pairs of new slacks I bought her (that fit her PERFECTLY). She was “saving them” for something more important, but I told her she ought to wear them to make me happy, as we’d be likely to see some of her friends while running errands. She did wear them and looked GREAT in them! I told her she ought to wear them tomorrow with a new top one of her other daughter’s bought her. We returned the other slacks that my sisters bought that were too long AND tight. She likes the looser cotton knit “starfish” slacks from Land’s End. They’re really comfy and look nice.
MIL is now a size 14 with 50 lb weight loss. I got her some slacks that she tried on in the store and liked (had to hem them 5"). She was gifted two other pairs of ‘short’ size 14 that may work for her - they can exchange the black for another color since the ones from us were black. Brought my sewing machine in case she needed anything altered but that sat unused. I had found some really nice socks for FIL which worked out great for him. W/O help, they truly are home bound now.
Hang in hotel shuffling S/Ds!
Can anyone remember the book that was particularly helpful with ideas for caring for Alzheimer’s patients? I tried a search of this thread for “book” but there are way too many hits. I have a friend who needs some support.
“Can’t we talk about something more pleasant?” by Toz Chast, a Memoir. Great drawings too. @arabrab
The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss
In addition to the “36 Hour Day” mentioned above, a friend who has been living this journey with her husband, highly recommends this book, at many support group meetings we have attended together. ( I haven’t read it, yet)
Singing in the Rain- Weathering the Storm of Dementia
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18830796-singing-in-the-rain—weathering-the-storm-of-dementia-with-humor-love
Two things which have been helpful to my friend- (and, these took months of attending poorly run local alz caregiver meetings)
cards which can be handed out to people in public, to explain her husband’s “unusual behavior”
The cards say " thank you for understanding my husband has dementia " or something like this.
She has used them at doctors offices, and at restaurants with great success
registering the dementia patient with local sheriff’s office, and obtaining a band, provided by local police to assist when patient wanders, At alz meetings, the facilitators often say, patients don’t wander until the day the do, and then it’s too late, if you haven’t put a band for quick gps locating.
Side note, has anyone been paying attention to the number of local Alzheimer’s chapters voting to withdraw form the national Alzheimers organization. Southern California,NYC, and recently northern NJ chapters have withdrawn.
http://www.wsj.com/articles/n-j-alzheimers-chapter-breaks-with-federation-1450744267
Also, Hillary recently released a program to eradicate the disease by 2025, with huge increase in proposed funding.
We need a national focus on this disease which will be such a drain on medicare/ Medicaid, and such a burden to millions of families.
My mom is having her valve replacement surgery tomorrow in nyc. None of us live there. We decided to divvy up the days. One sister will be there the whole time, one is there today and tomorrow, I’ll be there Tuesday through Friday and we believe she’ll be released Friday and my sister will come back and take her home. I know my mom is anxious about it but her breathing is so labored now it’s really not a moment too soon.
I hope all goes well, @eyemamom.
eyeamom - we don’t know each other, but I am in the NYC suburbs if you or your sisters need anything. My MIL and my best friend’s mother both had that valve replacement (the TAVR) and the difference is amazing. Good luck - is she at Columbia or NYU? My MIL was at Columbia and my friend’s mom had it done by my MIL’s surgeon at NYU.
Eyemamom, best wishes for your mom and her surgery. Take care of yourself, too.