Eyeamom- all the best to your mother and your family this week. Rest when you can.
Best wishes eyeamom. Let us know how it all turns out.
I will get that book. I had a particularly tough time dealing with my dad’s anger the other day. It’s not towards me, but everyone else is “stupid,” “incompetent,” “bozos,” and many less kind words. I need a better way of dealing besides heading to the ABC store afterwards.
@runnersmom, thank you so much. She’s doing it at NY Presbyterian this morning.
May it all go well @eyemamom
@eyemamom, I am in Brooklyn and also available. Will pm you.
I hope all goes well, eyemamom.
Best wishes from here, too. So nice of runnersmom and oldmom to offer.
sending best wishes here, too. fingers crossed for a good outcome.
mom is stressing me out (again, as usual). She has regained her energy and is roaming the AL place. Both the Wellness director and the visiting nurse have commented that it isn’t really safe since she is still a fall risk. But the last times I talked to her, she was talking about Grandma being on a trip (she died in 1980) and if I had heard from my sister and why didn’t she ever write a letter (she died in 1998). I don’t tell her they died, what would be the point? But I don’t know why she is bringing those people up. I know her mind is a bit more gone, but with her increased energy she is more obviously … different/weird. Anyone else go through this phase?
Love the support on this thread!
So here’s my funny aging parent story of the week. Mom has been complaining that lamp in living room was flickering. I said, no problem, I will take you to get a new lamp. Then she calls back that lamp is ok, it was just not plugged in securely. But she notices the lampshade is very frayed and discolored - can I take her to have the lampshade replaced. How old is this lamp, I ask? It is 54 years old! But she does not want a new lamp. She wants the 54 year old lampshade repaired. Ok, then. On my to-do list.
Well, well, I’ve been going through FIL’s home office gathering data to make sure bills and taxes are being paid while he is in rehab at the SNF, and gathering data to be ready to submit to the CPA for his 2015 taxes. The last 5 years of data and receipts are arranged rather haphazardly across every horizontal surface in the office, except for the parts that are filed with unrelated data in the desk drawers. *
Not going to go into detail, but we can assume he will have fewer charitable and medical deductions this year if I am the one providing the input to the CPA. What has he been thinking? It’s rather petty in the big scheme of things, but it has been going on for years, long before his current cognitive issues.
And speaking of those issues. I can’t help but feel sad at the evidence that he realizes sometimes when he is trying to pay bills and balance the checkbook that he just can’t keep track of things the way he once did. Columns of numbers re-copied and scratched out, frustrated notes to himself, torn scraps of paper as he gives up and then starts over. Looks like things started going bad about 2 years ago, and accelerated 6 months ago, then went off the cliff with the stroke.
But as of yesterday he was ready to go home and be independent and resume driving.
*on further review, this is also the filing system his kids use, so maybe has nothing to do with cognitive decline.
On the way home from New Year’s parties with family, dad told sis that he really wanted to make Sunday dinner. He told her he wanted to make two main courses. She relayed message to everyone and older bro offered his house and then backed out. Younger bro stepped up and offered his house.
Everyone texted dishes they’d bring. Sis went to pick up dad who had not made anything for the dinner. Sis texted us and we all scrambled to get additional food and no one mentioned the shock that dad had not cooked what he had promised. Dinner was fine and a nice gathering.
H and I weren’t very surprised as we have fairly frequent exposures to mom and dad’s lapses but the other sibs were surprised. Sis and bro want mom and dad to go to a new geriatrician (internist was the 1st geriatric specialist in the state and has been their me for decades).
I’m staying out of it and will defer to their decision. Bro also mentioned that SOMEONE needs to keep track of mom and dad’s med records. I smiled and nodded but no one volunteered, so will limp along. Bro, BIL and SisIL are all MDs.
Mom is 86 and dad is 91 and critical thinking is very uneven. Memory is also very unpredictable–long term better than short term.
What is it with this generation and charitable donations, my mother more than doubled her charity, gave to 63 places, th year Dad died, and yet her income decreased.
My FIL gives large amounts to many organizations, now that we are taking over the billing we are trying to winnow that down and will allow him to tithe, no more than 10%
FIL is still scheming to get the caregiver into his life again. He wants to give her two weeks pay through the agency beyond her final date AND give her $2,000 for a trip. It is his money, but darn, it seems unwise and yet we have taken over and we don’t want him to be motivated to undo all the good we have done. He is not yet officially incompetent, he could call the bank.
I am having a problem linking this article - but in the NYT today - on adult children moving into the same CCRC as their elderly parent. First example was a single man in early 70’s - moving in to same independent living as his 90 year old mother. They each have their own 1 br apt. He is happy to have meals included and no more home maintenance - and seems to enjoy spending time with his mother. Unusual situation, but could be a growing trend.
A Twist on Caring for a Parent: Move into the Home by Paula Span
Technically, we are old enough to get into many 55+ communities, but H and I love our neighborhood too much. Somehow, the 55+ communities around here that I’ve seen hold no allure for me, but we are keeping our fingers crossed that mom and dad will get into the one they want very soon–they are on the waiting list and have been for a long time.
DH and I were in our 30’s when we had kids, so it’s unlikely we’d ever be living in the same facility, but it is an interesting concept.
@HImom good for you to hold back a little and see if anyone steps forward - however it seems your parents are a bit tricky on how well they accept help/input.
Glad your family responded to a family gathering that your dad wanted, even though he was unable to follow through on the food end.
We believe DD asking to buy GP’s car will be a graceful way to stop MIL from driving - although she will now have to ask for grocery store trips (to supplement meals on wheels). Her shopping list is very simple.
Both brothers who live not too far from MIL/FIL and their W/GF have sometimes been trying to help, but on some insignificant things (who cares that there is a little more ‘junk’ in the basement)? MIL is so worn out at this point, that she is more passive about anyone taking over.
While we were visiting, adult grandson cleared out the refrigerator (MIL not physically able to do) and SIL cleaned out freezer. There is a basement freezer full of stuff that needs to be gone through…MIL can’t go up and down the steps anymore. After we left, the W/GF of the two brothers (and the brothers) were going to go through cleaning the upstairs (which was really in good shape, three bedrooms and the bath that are used by the family when they visit) - also in preparation of future visits.
The next step is to get some payment set up for next door neighbor if they are unwilling to have the paid assistance through the community aging network.
Last nite, we visited again and found that ALL 4 of their fridges and their wine fridge are broken. I sent a group text to all sibs and only one sib responded. The plan is to haul away all 4 broken fridges and replace with ONE new fridge that works properly. I’m going to go today to measure space and current fridge in kitchen.
While we were there, we mentioned all the fridges were broken and got denial and we were ignored.
HImom, it seems to me that “the ship has sailed” for a 55 plus community. I am wondering if they will need an increased level of care in a pretty short period period of time.
By the time FIL, 96, agreed to move to the independent living facility, it was obvious by the 2nd day that he needed assisted not independent! He moved a week or so later.