Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parent Cafe
8141

Great, helpful thread.

Our parents have passed. But I have an older unmarried childless brother whose health is up & down. During the last major health crisis a few years ago, I tried to get papers in order and get him to share more info with me & tell me what he wants. Pulling. teeth.

Obviously, it’s not always easy when you’re dealing with someone who is private, doesn’t want to relinquish independence, and would prefer to live his life as if nothing bad is going to happen and if it does, he’ll deal with it then.

H has a younger brother who is unmarried, on disability, with two teens. H feels some guilt for not helping this brother out more, financially.

8142

We tried with FIL 95 multiple times to get info, some of which was wrong Info. Thank god he had a will . We asked friends in the area and are working with a estate attorney for probate. Make sure you line up an attorney. Stuff you never thought of needs filed in court.

8143

I really can’t thank everyone enough for their supportive words and helpful comments. I’m so grateful. I’ve read each comment carefully, and in each, I see shades of our situation.

It is at least allowing me to support my husband the best I can. He went over there today and the s%^% hit the proverbial fan when he broached the topic of looking at some assisted living spaces. It ended with him storming out as they barraged him with “you are a terrible son” comments and insistence that they can manage on their own. Even though when my FIL went to the supermarket this week, he got so weak, he had to have two store people help him to his car and help him get in the car.

My husband has decided to back off until they contact him. I think this is a good idea. They will probably turn to the other two sons (who are not geographically co-located as we are), and perhaps either a) one of them will solve their problems in some way I’m not imagining or b) get on board with insisting upon assisted living and not just leaving my husband to be the “bad guy”. I am sure the first mini crisis and they’ll be calling my husband for help though . . .pretending like they didn’t say all these terrible things . . .

8144

Now you have time @amarylandmom to get a strategy together! Get the other sons on-board. When they call again, schedule a time for H and you to go and spell out a safe plan for them which the other sons back you up on (have H do the talking; be there for emotional support - maybe can hold someone’s hand if someone is crying, etc).

Denial can only go so far, and then there is a crisis.

It also doesn’t hurt to find supportive friends that have also gone through this process.

Prayers for you and your family!

Think about the stages of grieving. Anger, denial, etc.

8145

I am surprised how much help my FIL thinks he needs while he is in Assisted living! He cannot drive, but missed that freedom, wants to go to church, wants to go to Costco, wants to go visit his dog that was rehomed. He also has many medical appointments and has to have a paid companion go with him. The AL home’s driver refuses to take him by himself as he is too unsteady, but he is angry about paying for an “advocate” who, in reality, not only does not actively advocate for him at the doctors, she/he does not report back to us, either.
DH & I discuss whether FIL should move near BIL; not sure I would want to do that to BIL by encouraging it!!

8146

@amarylandmom when I was in a similar circumstance I just ‘waited until the other shoe dropped’ and it did. My mother was taken to the ER and I told the hospitals he needed to go to an assisted living as she could not manage on her own.

8147

We all know the inevitable health issue is going to come up that a couple that needs more help is going to struggle with. Denial can only go so far.

8148

Ah, relatives. Got an urgent call from one this afternoon about wanting to print out an itinerary for a cruise at the end of this month! He was planning to go, just himself and his spouse, neither of which has traveled unattended in several years. Several of us persuaded him that was a VERY bad idea. All my energy for the next 10 weeks is devoted to improving my scary health issues, which is requiring at least two trips to see MDs. I’ve already told everyone they have to step up as I’m unavailable. One of my other relatives is expecting her 2nd grandchild in the hext few weeks.

He was disappointed no one jumped up and offered to go with him and we all said it was a bad idea and that everyone needs more lead time if folks are to accompany him/them as folks would like to do! Last I heard, he wasn’t going to buy the air or cruise tickets.

Sigh–this is after he bought SF opera tickets for June after I told him we couldn’t accompany him there and no one else is available then either.

8149

About ten years ago we were planning our extended family vacation in Colorado. My parents were joining us at a large house my BIL had rented. Right before we were going to book our flights my father announced that he and my Mom were going to extend their trip and he had booked a time share place a couple of hundred miles North, and the way to get there was some meandering drive through the mountains. My Mom would have had to drive because my Dad was not driving much by then. My Mom was aghast. She lived all her life in states without hills and had no intention of driving in Colorado. I was able to convince him to cancel the time share. Good thing. Turns out his doctor had serious reservations about him going to the big house location in the first place and would have never agreed to travel to even higher elevations. I felt bad for my Dad, he loved traveling but the last ten years, anything further than a days car ride was too much. The last time he went to their time share at the beach, he went down to see the sunrise and couldn’t get up. Two people walking by had to help him. :frowning:

8150

I really hope we will have a better handle on our limitations and not do these scary things to our loved ones. It just makes everything so much harder.

8151

I see my H doing these things to our kids. The worse things are, the more into denial he goes. The dentkids SO hope I outlive him. They love him, but they are practical and see the picture as he and I age. He will be a burden if I go first.

8152

My mom seems well aware of her limitations. She is 87. She still works part time, drives, and lives by herself (my dad died 12 years ago). She’s going on a short trip next weekend, with my brother to see his daughter make a grad school presentation. She said the trip fits within her parameters: she won’t have to walk much and she’ll be away from home for only one night.

8153

I think I had a minor epiphany today.

We kids are annoyed at the extreme lack of helpful communication, and sometimes action, from the Assisted Living place, but they are a large facility and have many residents, and are not set up to treat FIL as the special snowflake he thinks he is.

We kids are dealing with “stuff” every day: calls from AL, calls from other parent’s facility, other parent Hospice, doctor reports, doctor appointments, medical tests-scheduling and results, medication changes, bill paying, buying new items they need, talking to their friends about them, planning visits, plus doing much of that for the parent of the other member of our couples! We are dealing with something to do with someone old every single day and often talking to each other about logistics.

My mother just contacted me twice about setting up a routine doctor appointment, I was so annoyed at the “constant” interruption, but I think I was kind to her, being aware, from her perspective, it is just this and that 5 minutes.

I think that is the issue with being responsible for the oldsters, that mosquito tiny annoyance in dealing with all the little things! Most of the time, each thing is so small, but do we every have a day, a time, when we are not dealing with or talking about “the folks?!”

I need to make more effort to NOT talk about them with family or friends, even if it does feel like that is my main hobby :wink:

8154

We’re here for you, somemom.

8155

This one is funny. The AL that my mother is at is very nice to her- she has moderate dementia and is 93. Got an urgent call my mothers front tooth was missing and that I may need to fly to PA from CO to take her to a dentist. No bleeding. I said ‘wait is this the tooth that fell out at 18 and is on a partial that she wears?’ Got a call back in a few minutes- yup they found the partial.

8156

I think I forgot my point with the AL place, they probably feel like they have stuff under control (I’d give them a B-) but they don’t have time for all the communication we want, too. Just like we feel about FIL’s calls!

8157

@somemom, hear, hear! We recently instituted “Geri-Free Wednesdays”. It’s the one day a week we don’t visit, make phone calls, pay their bills, or talk about my in-laws. It is hugely helpful to have time set aside where we just aren’t going to have to deal with it.

8158

For those of you with family members dealing with dementia, you might be interested in PBS nova special which aired this week, Alzheimers: Can it be Stopped
I think the full episode can be viewed here - if not search PBS and you will find it.
http://www.pbs.org/video/2365702638/

8159

Had a fantastic morning with FIL, he has been so nice since we got here, it’s amazing. Then the AL called and told us to take him to the ER for anemia. Long afternoon, but he was admitted and will have an overnight transfusion.

Our questions for the week are whether some one 95+ should be on Warfarin or Elliquis, if the side effect of bleeding is happening. I say quality of life, but how does that feel if he has a stroke?

And tests, do you do invasive anesthesia required testing to determine the cause of bleeding and risk complications?

8160

@somemom- glad you had a good visit. Sorry FIL is back in the hospital. I would speak to a hematologist about the blood thinners for someone who is bleeding; they should be able to help you with the cost benefit analysis. Has he had a previous stroke or embolism? I think you are asking the right questions.

As to invasive tests for a frail elder, that conversation is important to have in the context of a thorough review of health and cognitive status, end of life wishes and likely outcomes. The most helpful advice I received when my mother had a terminal illness, was to look at each test with an eye to what, if anything, would be done if problems were revealed. If you are out of the active treatment phase and into the keep patient comfortable time, knowing that “fixing” one thing may just create a need for recovery that impacts quality of life, then invasive testing may be contraindicated. I’d want to know what they were looking for, how it might change his quality of life to identify it, what are possible treatments and is he a viable candidate for them, how he previously tolerated anesthesia, etc. For me, the 95+ would be a variable to stir in also.

It can take multiple discussions within the family and with medical professionals to know what time it is. Most providers I have encountered are helpful around these decisions, though a surgeon proposed a 7 hour abdominal surgery for my father (then 89) with severe memory loss, even after he arrived in the medical office via an ambulance with 2 attendants due to frailty. The condition has been well managed with nursing care. Whatever is decided should be known to all care providers and facilities, with appropriate paperwork if needed.

Every situation is different, but the steps to clarity for elder and family members seems remarkably similar.

All the best.