@MomofJandL - FIL age 95 had an enormous amount of stuff in the house- died in Jan and by the time the courts allowed H to be executor on paper was April- over 2 months. We could not throw away or do anything until that was done. So H after putting stuff in bags for days agreed to an estate sale and that will happen end of May- they were all booked up. We at least got the car sold and the realtor lined up as soon for as the estate sale is done.H is an only child and it seems that there is good and bad to that. He does have me to coordinate the paperwork.
It’s sad, but your parents aren’t your kids, and even if they start being impaired, they still have free will.
Until they get to the point where they can be declared incompetent, which is a huge process in all cases I know of, they can decide for themselves.
My friend’s parents are in a sad situation, she has moved out of the house, I believe almost a year at this point, leaving him alone although she says he has dementia and is incompetent. Friend does not want to call the county about abandonment.
Her mom says that she has POA for her dad, but really both her and her siblings want to go to a lawyer in their parents’ state, and set up divorce papers. Right now, dad has no access to his own money due to his mental state, and mom has 100% access plus control over his medical situation. If they get divorced, one sibling can get medical and financial POA for their father, and he can get appropriate medical care.
The mother brings food on occasion for the father, she’s not driving very much so a sibling drives him to the doctor. There is an aide daily for an hour or two.
It’s so sad, but when people have so much stuff in their own lives, it’s hard to find time for parents especially when they live three hours away. If eighteen months pass since she moved out of the family home, it should be easy to get a divorce on grounds of abandonment. Though they do say they hate each other, so the only reason they do not get divorced is right now the mother has 100% access to the money, so why change to 50%?
@rhandco, that sounds painful for the adult children to watch, I imagine it is a continuation of what they grew up with. It’s not always just a problem of finding time, it’s a problem of breaking patterns of behavior developed over decades. If 2 people are fighting, and a 3rd steps in to break up the fight, who’s the most likely to get hurt? The one who stepped in trying to help, of course. Sometimes there is not much the kids can do.
Yes, and I think it became worse when her and her siblings started marrying and having kids, and weren’t pandering to the parents all the time.
The question is what to do. I believe I mentioned a while ago her mother tried to force her father into three different nursing homes, twice taking him out the same day, once leaving him in for a few days. She couldn’t take thinking he was in a home, even though she says she hates him and says he has dementia and she won’t care for him. It would have been a good idea to leave him in a nursing home if he was so bad off.
I agree that people should make their own decisions as to become a caregiver or not, even a spouse, but abandoning a person that they think has dementia, and at best is confused many times and forgets to eat regularly, is basically immoral let alone illegal.
My friend is afraid to call senior services in her county, but I am tempted to do so. Don’t you guys think at least he should have a daily check to make sure he is okay, like from Meals on Wheels or local firefighters (both of which do daily checks of the elderly in towns near me)?
They can’t have it all ways. The kids don’t want to call APS but don’t want the situation to continue. Your friend won’t go be his full time caregiver. They’re going to have to make a choice. What are they more afraid of? Mom?
I’m not sure the dementia will allow a divorce, when an elder is unable to independently state his own wishes. Your friend would need to look into guardianship. Professional guidance, if she wants a solution.
Fascinating and very long piece in the NY Times on living with Alzheimers from the perspective of the patient.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/05/01/nyregion/living-with-alzheimers.html?action=click&contentCollection=Times%20Insider&module=RelatedCoverage®ion=EndOfArticle&pgtype=article
Tricky stuff about dementia - does her father really have it?
- he is confused off and on
- he is most likely addicted to pain killers due to a botched surgery years ago
- his main doctor does not think he has dementia
- there has been no attempt to get him declared incompetent
Yet:
- her mother called up their mutual fund company and said to take him off the account because he has dementia. It has been months, and the account is still frozen completely.
- her mother tried to commit him to a nursing home three time, each time against his will (she had to trick him to go), but then decided to take him out again
Very sad situation, and yes, I think my friend is afraid of alienating her mother and siblings, more her mother because she “doesn’t want her kids not to have a grandma”.
So according to the world, he is competent. The mutual fund erred on the side of caution and shut them both out, and they want a letter declaring him incompetent to take him off the account, or a letter declaring him competent to keep him on it and reopen it. No lawyers or anyone else professional has taken on the issue.
Yoy.
Very well done article. Still Alice was a very powerful movie for me as well.
RH, you get involved in some (emotionally and other) complicated situations. Maybe he has dementia, maybe not, maybe the kids want control, no, maybe it’s just your friend and she’d alienate the other sibs, the wife (supposedly) did this or that, some (supposed) issue with a fund, etc. I don’t see how you can easily sort this, much less take it on.
Advise her to get professional guidance.
Thank you for the advice. Honestly, I do get into that role, the free untrained psychologist, even going as far back as college, and frankly I have a lot of issues of my own, some which I’m not comfortable to share with anyone but my spouse (and he has been through a LOT, a veritable saint ). So maybe her issues are a distraction for me?
I have advised her to see her family doctor about anxiety medication, because sometimes it seems like little things (like forgetting to buy one item at the store) = big things (like her father’s situation). I’m not a professional, but I can see that if someone wants to make everything every day a source of frustration and anxiety, that is not good. Hangnail does not equal ER visit, you know what I mean?
But on the other hand, because my own personal situation is rough, I have to laugh - not at her father’s situation by any means, but how someone can let little stuff get to them. I don’t value clothes or shoes or makeup or things, I value my family and I value getting through each day. Things happen, and we all get through them.
In fact, I read that whole article about living with Alzheimers disease (! - it is LONG), and I can commiserate with the woman a lot. The Caregiver’s Guide that someone on CC pointed me to (thank you!!!) was really helpful in a lot of ways.
(I do recommend that article for anyone who is dealing with possibly taking away driving privileges from someone - there are several parts that touch on that from the driver’s point of view)
Just back from a wonderful wedding - bride’s grandmother wasn’t sure how we had met, and ten minutes later was introducing herself again, but oh my , how she danced with joy with every family member. She probably didn’t even recognize that the flower girl was her youngest granddaughter, but she had a great time dancing with her.
If I am condemned to the hell that is this disease, I hope I’m happy and just bopping along with what’s going on!
The NYT article was excellent. Thanks for posting it here. It is a long read, but well worth the time.
Yes, it was an excellent article and worth the long read. Thanks. :-S
Very good!
@arabrab- another CCer grateful for that NYT link. Worthwhile read. Thanks.
I shared it with my friend who works for the local Alzheimer Association. Excellent article.
My MIL died this weekend. Despite her being on Hospice and despite having seen her on a very good day and a very bad day, we were surprised she died so soon, I think we all thought she had a few more months. Apparently, I am destined to be surprised when people on hospice die! It happened with my Dad, too. I will say, in both cases, the Hospice people also were not expecting it to be so soon.
I am sad for her, but also glad for her, the last six months have been no quality of life.
@somemom, my condolences. We were surprised when my SisIL dies, after all of us spending the weekend with her. Her oncologist was surprised too.
Condolences @somemom same happened with FIL this summer. Peace to you and your family
Condolences to you and your family, somemom.