Thanks, I thought I’d ask since there might be some development in that realm. Apparently not, but at least Alaska tries. I have saved FF miles for just such an occurrence, so perhaps will just use those if fares are too high.
GTalum, I totally agree on not making intake a priority at end of life. However my mom is not necessarily at end of life with this diagnosis, though some days can seem like it. The next she is eating everything in sight. She was functional in her community a few weeks ago and hopefully will be again in some way. But 90 and up can be a rough decade.
Dealing with probate and sale of house of FIL estate and H’s aunt. A few tips we have learned. Go through all the papers and if you find anything that looks like an account of life insurance policy write to them after searching for a new address on google. I found three life insurance policies from the 1970s that were valid. Also look up unclaimed property in the state that they lived. We also found and retrieved money.
RMH-glad you have made so much progress and thanks for sharing the tips. I’m thinking very few of us are organized enough to have someone step in easily.
To work off of @rockymtnhigh suggestion, also contact those companies who are sending letters to your deceased loved one. Prudential sent what looked like generic marketing stuff to my dad for a while after he passed. I looked at it and chucked it. One day one came in and I thought I should just contact them so that they’d take him off the list and save them a few bucks and me the momentary inconvenience. When I called the contact number to tell them he had died a while earlier, they said “Hold on, I’ll transfer you.” Next thing you know, I am talking to the death benefits people and trying to figure out how I was going to go do all the things I needed to do to acquire the money. (Estate had been closed out for a while at that time). It was a great surprise for all of us (and a medium hassle for me). And a gift from heaven. Literally and figuratively.
Has anyone here consulted with a nutritionist for their aging relative?
A few weeks ago I was back visiting my mom. She’s frail and weak. Also, she’s not eating much. I wondered if she might have more energy if she got more calories.
Her doctor has prescribed some kind of soluble fiber. Every morning, she drinks a full glass of the fiber mixed in water. I have no doubt she needs fiber in her diet, but is there some other way to get it? She doesn’t like this glass o’ fiber, and moreover, after she drinks it she feels full and doesn’t want food. I can understand why you or I might be happy with a calorie-free fiber drink that makes us want to eat less, but Mom doesn’t need to lose weight.
She loves ice cream. Every afternoon, she has a couple of Klondike ice cream bars. More power to her, I say!
Any advice, comments on how we might try to change Mom’s meds and diet so she has more energy and is healthier? Or would it make no difference?
Thanks, oldmom. Maybe taking a fiber pill and then drinking a glass of water would be less unpleasant than drinking a glass of the fiber water. I’ll suggest that my sister talk to Mom’s doctor about that.
It seems like there ought to be a market for a high-fiber calorie replacement drink.
There are also fiber cookies and other means of ingesting fiber.
There ARE various high protein supplements available–bars, drinks, etc. It can be useful for the patient to try several different ones and find which ones they like and will actually consume rather than stocking up on one and finding they decide they don’t like the taste/texture, or whatever. Variety as always more enjoyable than same-old, same-old. We have bought my aging relatives an assortment and when our S was losing weight because of health issues, we bought him an assortment of protein bars to help him through a tough time. He did appreciate variety, as does our relative. If the patient has various dietary restrictions, ask for a consult with a nutritionist or dietitian to help find appropriate foods and supplements.
@CF- trying a different approach to fiber may help you tease out the variables related to her reduction in eating. Is she losing weight? Health failing in significant ways? Depressed? Doesn’t remember or have the oomph needed to get food? So many things go into determining what is best. A nutritionist can help, particularly if they are in contact with main caregivers and physicians who know the total health picture.
My father is losing weight now (can afford to lose some). He is in his 90’s, getting frailer, napping more and has trouble feeding himself due to his orthopedic compromises. I see it as part of his general deterioration and weakening at this point; there is no evidence of an acute problem. The context for his weight loss seems to be what many elders go through and in talking with his nutritionist, I am comfortable not offering supplements at this point. He is okay medically now, but is a house of cards if any one of three big things starts to progress. I know it would be okay with him to not live to see any of them happen.
There may well be other branches in the decision tree to come. One day at a time.
Mom’s 92. She has a lot of things wrong with her, including mild to moderate dementia. She had a stroke in January and now mostly uses a wheelchair. Her health is deteriorating and will continue to deteriorate.
I’m interested in any way we can make her life better now, for the time she has left, for the time she has remaining before dementia takes her away completely. If eating a couple hundred more calories a day now would make her life better, then it’s worthwhile seeing if that can happen.
CF - I guess I wonder if your mom really needs fiber. Is it for constipation? If the fiber is filling her up such that she doesn’t want more caloric foods, what is the purpose? Certainly constipation can be managed without fiber.
I would second your idea to enlist the ideas of a nutritionist, especially one with many years dealing with the elderly. One of my friends dealt with this recently. Mom (a nurse) didn’t want Dad ( with Alzheimer’s) eating unhealthy things like burgers and fries and ice cream. The nutritionist helped her see that these comfort foods helped him maintain weight . They did have times when Dad had asked for something and then when it arrived he claimed he never wanted it. Fortunately my friend is in special Ed and is adept at “social stories”…if you think there will be a problem, you start with a reminder of what has happened and how it worked. So she would tell her FIL "Hey Ed, remember when you went to Dairy Queen ? All your friends were there. What did you order? Well, here’s a chocolate shake "
The fiber is for constipation. Maybe it can be managed some other way, but it must be managed. Some of her treatments might not be doing her any good, but that one is.
Any thoughts/suggestions on how to handle a nasty dynamic between elderly parents? Dad is an 85 year old misogynistic bully and control freak. Mom is 81 and sometimes confused - whether the beginnings of dementia or just the result of 55 years of marriage to my father - I don’t know. Just had a phone call where she was confused about how changing bank branches would impact their direct deposits. As I was explaining to her that since the bank was the same and the account number was the same, going to a different branch had no impact, my father gets on the phone and starts yelling how stupid she is, she does not understand anything, etc.
I stayed calm, tried to suggest to him that demeaning her was part of the problem, etc, no impact. My mother was silent and my father told me not to worry about it - he would handle everything. It’s been like this my entire life, so not really upsetting to me, just wondering if there is another solution. My fantasy is to tell him to shut the f up, but I don’t think that ultimately helps my mother. Other than reminding myself he can’t live forever, any strategies? It’s not like she is going to stand up to him now, after 55 years of his verbal and emotional abuse. I just don’t know what to do when I witness it.
Similar situations with H’s father was similar and my mother was to my father. Yes, this is a long term relationship issue that has for what ever reason worked for them. H used to argue with his Dad. Over the years I tried to point out that it was not worth it. H eventually just stopped arguing. I just learned to ignore my mother and walk away.
I’m sorry, @romanigypsyeyes and @rockymtnhigh, and everyone who has to witness and know about these VERY unpleasant situations. One thing that a relative has done that seems to sometimes help is to point out that the yelling makes the YELLER look bad. It m-a-y calm the yeller down a bit and makes him (sadly, it’s usually the male in the relationship) stop and think about what others may think of him. Of course, it may be a very short respite, but at least it m-a-y have some effect and at least it is a mild intervention to consider.
I think part of the problem is both people in an aging couple are struggling with lapses that they have and know that they aren’t able to deal with the details they used to handle effortlessly. For many, I’ve noticed it results in anger and they may feel it is safer and easier to direct the anger at someone near and dear rather than themselves or a stranger. It’s an unhealthy dynamic, but hard to figure out how to make a change.
I appreciate the input. After a sleepless night, I just need a break from the entire situation. I am giving myself permission to disengage, at least for a few days. I said I was used to it and it did not bother me, but a very rough night says otherwise.
@rockvillemom We love them. It is as simple as that. Best wishes. Are your parents local? At the end of the day, we do the best we can. If we’re lucky, that’s enough. If not, we’ve got a new day the next day.
When my dad was first diagnosed with dementia, someone suggested the book “Elder Rage, or Take My Father Please: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents” by Jacqueline Marcell. My father was in an entirely different situation, but it really gave me some additional perspective.
My aunt is 99 yrs old with vascular dementia, macular degeneration, severe arthritis, kidney failure and coronary artery disease. She will sometimes eat a soft, scrambled “cheesy” egg or cream of wheat in the morning and then refuses most days to eat anything else. She also does not want to drink fluids which exacerbates the kidney failure and mental status changes. Her aide will make ensure shakes with either yogurt, ice cream, milk and either fruit or vegetables. She will usually drink a little bit of these, but some days will just go back to bed and sleep. Her doctors and I have discussed this and will let her be. It is her way of slowly shutting down.
@rockvillemom, my dad was devoted to my stepmother but he always had a short fuse. His whole adult life, when he was stressed, he would blow up like a bomb and then it would pass, like it never happened. My mom (who died many years ago) just rode it out.
He was very frustrated by my stepmother’s forgetfulness and other signs of dementia. She had an obsession with her purse, that she needed to have it on her or she became agitated. It made him crazy since of course he knew that there was nothing of value inside the purse. But intellectually he knew that she couldn’t control what was going on with her mind. So I kept telling him, Daddy, where’s the harm? Let her have the purse, help her find it when she thought she didn’t have it (often it was on her shoulder or her lap). It makes her feel better and she won’t drive you so crazy. And eventually this sunk in and it really helped him deal with her deficiencies.
I know that the situation between your parents is different, but maybe you could sign him on as a co-conspirator to trick your mom so she doesn’t drive him crazy. Of course that’s a really warped way to see the situation, but it’s the end game of what’s been going on with them for their whole lives together. I wish you the best–it’s so hard to watch and no one is happy. You’re such a good daughter to keep helping them.
Oh, and what also helped with my dad was an antidepressant. It makes me wonder how much his life would have changed from the beginning if such a thing existed 65 years ago.