I am an out-of-state student at Michigan. Yesterday, intra-campus transfer decisions came out for the Ross School of Business. I did not get in. I was devastated, but to make matters worse, my parents are so disappointed they will not speak with me. I understand their anger, since I am an out-of-state student, and it is an expensive education. I did not waste my year, however. I can honestly say I tried basically as much as I could - and I learned a lot from the experience. I am ready to move on, but I am afraid my parents have probably lost faith in me. This is similar to what happened last year when I was turned down from some Ivies (leaving me with Michigan, and some other schools). I still get called out for not getting into the Ivies, so I know I will never hear the end of my Ross decision. I want to make things better, and restore their faith in me. What can I do?
Wow. Just wow. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Was there ever a discussion that you must get into Ross or . . . What exactly? I cannot believe parents can be so blind.
I wish I had better advice. What I really want to say to your parents is, be grateful you have a happy, healthy intelligent student. Love unconditionally.
All I can suggest is perhaps go to them with your plan for your education and, yes, YOUR life. Is that an option?
Communication. Tell them what you have done, what you are planning to do, what they think you should do, why you don’t want/can’t do certain things they ask you to do, what worked, what didn’t, what you have learned, etc. it’s easy to judge but it takes more maturity to work things out especially with seemingly unreasonable people. Assuming you and your parents share the same goals, you shouldn’t be enemies. Welcome to the adult world.
I would venture to guess that a good degree in econ or some kind of math from U Mich with some internships will take you pretty much anywhere a Ross degree will. What are your goals?
That your parents would actually not speak to you over this is astonishing. I’m sorry they behave that way.
I agree that writing up Plan B is a good idea. Just don’t be so specific that they can find something else to pitch a fit about: for example, if you say you want to intern at a Fortune 50 company and find something at a Fortune 100 instead.
I agree with what others have posted. It’s important to have the best possible relationship with your parents. But my advice is to (also) disengage emotionally. Criticizing a child for not being admitted to hyper-selective colleges, with acceptance rates below 10%, and continuing to speak of this more than a year later, is beyond the pale. I imagine that the Ross School is also very competitive. I think that your goal should be to get to a point where your parents’ comments have no effect on you. For one thing, their opinions are uninformed. They are not reasonable people. You are a successful student and you deserve support and encouragement.
It sounds like you are getting past your disappointment. Business is not my field but my impression is that most people who succeed in that field do not have undergraduate degrees in business. So I am sure that you have excellent career prospects. Best of luck!
I agree with NYMomof2, but would add that it can take a lifetime to truly disengage. Your parents are the ones who truly “need help” from a therapist, but it wouldn’t hurt for you to talk to someone, given the situation, to help with that effort toward detachment.
Michigan is a great school. I also agree that, at least until recently, undergrad business was not all that respected in general (of course Wharton and perhaps Ross might have been exceptions) and often the highest level careers went to, believe it or not, humanities majors, considered generalists.
You don’t have to go to Ross to achieve your goals.
It sounds like your parents are very concerned with prestige, rather than quality: you will get quality at Michigan where you are.
Are you the first in your family to attend college, or are your parents first generation/ immigrants? Are they not sophisticated about schools, or is there a reason they are like this?
Please understand this is not “normal.” There may be little you can do about them but, again, talking with a counselor will help you figure out how to deal with these attitudes on the part of your parents and how best to minimize the effect on you.
I admire your attitude by the way. You did the best you could and learned a lot, as you said- a parent can’t ask for more than that and I would be very proud of you, regardless of the fact that you are at such an excellent school.
My parents are immigrants, they got their undergrad degrees abroad and grad degrees here/abroad. I think my parents’ feelings come from their friend groups: nouveau riche immigrant families (almost all of them wealthier than us, with household incomes probably 250k - 5M /year), who send their kids to schools like the Ivies, MIT, UChicago, etc. Within these friend groups, I guess I would be an underperformer. They have sacrificed a lot to come and settle in the United States, and to send me to school at Michigan, so I understand that they are upset when their child does not perform.
I think what I will do now is just try to continue to engage in some of the great extracurriculars I got involved with, focus on bringing up my GPA, learn some useful skills (financial modelling, excel stuff, etc.), and try to get an internship next summer that is “better” than what some of their friends’ kids did at the same age as me. Until then, I may have to take some heat.
There’s a point in every kid’s life, even those with great family relationships, where they do begin to veer into making their own best decisions, deciding for themselves how to work with various challenges. Sometimes, this also means giving parents’ criticisms less weight or, as NYMom put it, disengaging a bit, emotionally. It it’s confusing or distracting, do think about the counseling. Those folks are usually well aware of the variety of potholes college kids face. Best wishes.
I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice but I am a PhD student at U of M and am really plugged in to all the on-campus resources that help students when they’re having a rough go of it. Please feel free to PM me if you’d like any advice or help navigating the resources here
“I think my parents’ feelings come from their friend groups: nouveau riche immigrant families (almost all of them wealthier than us, with household incomes probably 250k - 5M /year), who send their kids to schools like the Ivies, MIT,”
Your parents are wrong for comparing you to their friends’ children. It’s as simple as that.
Lots of students don’t get into Ross. The typical advice out here is that if you aren’t a pre-admit and want to study business, don’t go to Michigan unless you have a backup plan that you can be happy with if you don’t get into Ross. Your options now realistically are to pick a different major (Econ is the most common) or transfer. You need to tune out their comments as best you can and do your best at whatever new path you pick. But pick a path that YOU want, not one that they want.
Will your parents let you stay at Michigan and be an Econ major if that is what you want? Are you interested in transferring back to your state flagship (not sure what it is) or an in-state university that doesn’t have a restricted business major?
@intparent I have another major in mind that I would be happy with, and I think my parents can come to terms with. I will just need to work hard to prove myself in the recruiting fiasco (which starts this fall).
If you are hanging your hat on getting a great internship to redeem yourself, I think you are setting yourself up again for trouble. You need to plan to get ANY internship that moves your career plans forward, and just consider yourself lucky if you score a good one. If you learned anything from your Ivy and Ross experiences, it should be that you need a plan that has reaches, matches, and safeties, all of which you can be happy with. So you need plans for internships/summers that match that as well.
HugsHugsHugs to @yikesyikesyikes. It seems you have unlocked one of the doors to being an adult: recognizing that your parents are people with foibles, biases, and imperfections. Some parents have more than others. It’s painful to disappoint your parents, but continue the self-affirmation that you have started in this post. This is about you not them. If you have a chance to remind them gently of this, you should do so. Succeed on your own terms. If you’re disappointed about Ross, determine what you need to do the next time a similar scenario presents itself. If you’re not disappointed and were applying for your parents’ sake, remove yourself from this negative cycle and succeed for yourself.
I like NJMom’s advice to disengage emotionally from your parents - easier says than done. Try not to name call your parents (I know you didn’t, just don’t give in to it) - they may have misplaced values but that’s who they are. Part of growing up is realizing you have different values and world views, and following yours instead of your parents’. Again far easier said than done.
If you like Michigan, you enjoy your major, you’re fine. I would use every resource Michigan offers to figure out what would be the best direction for you given your goals and interests. Then figure out what you need to do to succeed. (I’d take up Romani’s offer).
Is there a close relative or family friend that you can talk to about this? Strangers on the internet can say your parents are being unreasonable - which they are - but you are the one having to live the situation. You may want to reach out @romanigypsyeyes who also attends UM. And do get some counseling - I’m sure you are not the first person to encounter this issue at Univ. of Michigan. Many immigrant parents do not understand the rigor of top universities in the US like Michigan, and think the grades will just be like high school.
In the meanwhile - if you stay at UM - does UM offer any minors in business or business classes for non-business majors? You can be in Econ and take a lot of applied math courses and stats courses. You mentioned Excel modeling - absolutely a good idea. Have you considered some summer business online courses through Coursera or EdX - Wharton offers something through one of them. They’re not for credit - but are relatively inexpensive.
Do not focus on being “better” than the kids of your parents’ friend group - just focus on what you have outlined, and try to find some live support via counseling and supportive friends.
@intparent Alright - I’ll make sure I do that. I have a few programs in mind which can fit into the “safety, match, reach” framework. I was able to get a “low level” internship this summer on my own merits (no family connections, etc.), so hopefully I can move up from that.
As a parent I commend you for taking your parents’ feelings to heart and trying to see things from their point of view…and I want to tell you that they are human beings with shortcomings. Someday hopefully will realize that as long as you are productive and pursuing your own goals, you are already a success. Having raised a kid who sounds so realistic and resilient and still cares about your relationship with them – wow, maybe they don’t realize what a good job they have already done. Over time you will prove it to them, but right now, it is up to you. Best of luck to you and come back to let us know how you are doing.
