Any parent that stops talking to their kid deserves to be cut loose. They give up their parent card.
" Many immigrant parents do not understand the rigor of top universities in the US like Michigan, and think the grades will just be like high school."
I think this is true but it is also true that some immigrant parents come from countries where those who did not have prestigious backgrounds/education/roots are closed out of opportunities and jobs that would afford a decent life style. So the push for prestige can be initially fueled by fears for the child’s future. But that can morph into desires by the parent to be viewed by their peers at having won at parenting-as evidenced by the school that their offspring attends. Good luck to the OP. The advice by previous posters seems spot on.
@yikesyikesyikes , I ask you again, what are YOUR goals?
Are you really interested in studying “business”? Stop and think that most of those Ivies your parents wanted you to go to don’t even offer it. Yet people who graduate from those schools frequently enter topflight training programs at major corporations, financial institutions, etc.
Do you really know what you want to do? Internships can be helpful in identifying things one DOESN’T want to do, also. That happened for my S. He had an internship at the State Dept that helped him realize that not only did he not want to be a foreign service officer, but he wanted to work at something that rather than being part of a process produced a discrete object/result. This was very valuable.
Rather than trying to take a path to please your parents, try to figure out your own. Then you can try to sell it to them, if you still want to.
I suggest that you look into student resources at Uof M, including career services. They may be able to help you think more concretely about what really suits you and interests you, and what you really want to do. Do not expect this to be instantaneous or obvious. It, like life, is a journey.
Take up @romanigypsyeyes on her offer. She’s one of the very few young people who’s always welcome on the Parents’ Forum because she’s extraordinarily mature and articulate. If she directs you to some resources, you can be sure that they’re good ones.
I think lostaccount really expressed the core issues here:
“some immigrant parents come from countries where those who did not have prestigious backgrounds/education/roots are closed out of opportunities and jobs that would afford a decent life style. So the push for prestige can be initially fueled by fears for the child’s future. But that can morph into desires by the parent to be viewed by their peers at having won at parenting-as evidenced by the school that their offspring attends.”
Yikesyikesyikes, it sounds to me as if you are still very much a part of the culture your parents are in, whether that means the fear lostaccount described above, or the competitive situation among parents and peers.
Therefore, you may really not be able to see this situation the way many posters are seeing it, and it can also verge on disrespect for some of us to comment when we do not come from the same background. You are a long way from detachment because you are still part of your parents’ world with the elite choices and comparisons among offspring.
It is always interesting that otherwise relatively sophisticated people know so little about the colleges in the US or, for that matter, how the job market works.
I really recommend talking with someone who understand where this is all coming from, not just your parents’ reactions but your own as well. In other words, I don’t think just any counselor will do. You need someone who really understands.
Romanigypsyeyes is an extremely insightful person by the way and may be very helpful.
OP, I feel for you. To have parents stop talking to you just makes things worse. I would encourage you, though, to continue to try to see things from their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Something you said stuck out to me: " I think what I will do now is just try to continue to engage in some of the great extracurriculars I got involved with, focus on bringing up my GPA…"
So, if your immigrant parents got their degrees abroad, it’s a pretty fair bet that extracurriculars were not part of their experience. To them, they likely seem completely extraneous and unnecessary when compared with the “job” they have sent you to school to do (e.g., get your education). They’re sending you to school, paying out of state tuition, and they know you’re capable of doing great work. Then they see you get involved in multiple extracurriculars, and not have the GPA you need to achieve the goal you set going into the school. So, can you see how, from their perspective and experience, that might look like you weren’t doing your absolute best to achieve your goal? Can you see how, given their background and experience (e.g., giving up and sacrificing alot to come here and spending their entire lives and all their energy building a life here), they might feel like this is an indication that you don’t respect them or the opportunity you’ve been given? I’m not saying they’re right or reasonable … I’m saying it is important for you to really understand their perspective.
I’d suggest you outline your Plan B, and your specific goals for the next semester. Then sit down and talk with them. Tell them you are upset and you know they are upset and disappointed. Ask them to talk to you about why, specifically they are disappointed, so you can understand each other better. Tell them you love them and respect them, and need their understanding and support as you move forward for Plan B. Then talk it through with them, and be willing to listen to their thoughts. Things may be strained, but keep communication going, even if it is uncomfortable and awkward. Then go off and execute Plan B. Keep them updated so there are no surprises. If achieving Plan B means giving up some activities, then maybe that’s what you need to do. Find a way to be successful at Plan B. This may require that you be more of a “grown up” than they are at this point, if their reaction to conflict is to stop talking to you. But just because they react that way doesn’t mean you have to. Continue to reach out to them, show them respect, and let them know how things are going. Do that, and show them that you can work hard to be successful at what you set out to do, and they may come around.
Good luck.
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I still get called out for not getting into the Ivies, so I know I will never hear the end of my Ross decision. I want to make things better, and restore their faith in me. What can I do?
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Gag! Awful! Shame on THEM! I promise you; their behavior is wrong, abusive.
Ok…now you need a strategy…
So…are they now going to say that you have to leave UMich because they were only agreeing to pay $50k+ per year for an OOS public because you were “supposed” to get into Ross?
What are your favorite subjects?
What other career goals might you have?
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have another major in mind that I would be happy with, and I think my parents can come to terms with. I will just need to work hard to prove myself in the recruiting fiasco (which starts this fall).
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What is it?
Computer Science - I was planning on originally minoring in it, but it puts me in a good position to still go after a lot of the jobs I was interested in (a lot of consulting/finance firms seem to recruit CS/Engineering majors at Michigan). Some them want CS majors for more tech/back-office roles, but others will have them in front office or revenue generating roles.
OP your parents are disappointed now, but they are your parents and I hope you will treat them with respect they deserve. They might not be talking to you now, but they love you and will come around. Give them time and most important work hard and make them proud. As a child of immigrants you should know that there is nothing more important than a family.
For goodness sake! Why in the world is everybody vilifying the parents for being disappointed? Maybe they aren’t speaking because whatever is said would be wrong and they are trying to wrap their heads around an expectation that just got blown yesterday. They are disappointed as is OP Everybody including the parents need a breathing space
OP is not being disowned by parents.
It’s time for plan B.
Definitely - I am just going to wait until emotions die down before approaching them. I will make sure I do everything I can to make them proud again.
@yikesyikesyikes , I think we have commented on a few threads in the past, maybe even exchanged am email or two I am the guy from one of the IITs, with a D at GTech. Stay strong! What I would suggest is that you try your best and do well academically in whatever discipline interests you at UMich. Work for a few years, preferably in a consulting firm, and then target one of the M7s for an MBA. The Ross non-admit will be a thing of the past. Good luck!
You can work someplace like Accenture without the MBA. CS or Econ majors would be fine if you get good grades.
Yikesyikeyikes - at the time of your OP, decisions had been released for under 20 hours. So I agree with giving a bit of time before you discuss further with your parents.
Also, if you have the opportunity to major and do well in CS (LSA or CoE) at Michigan, your career opportunities will be vast - that would be one great Plan B if that is what you choose.
The very best of luck in these coming days.
Oh poop…I don’t believe that the parents aren’t talking to him because they don’t know the right thing to say. That’s hogwash. When you don’t know what to to say, your body language doesn’t say, “I’m so angry that I don’t want to speak to you.” Body language would reveal whether the parents are just confused or angry/annoyed.
Yikes yikes. How does CS work at Umich? Do you have to transfer into that program? Can you ? Or do you now have to go to another school?
CS is part of LS&A (at least it used to be). Most students headed for Ross start out in LS&A, so the OP probably does not have to change schools.
“They are disappointed as is OP”-
But the question has been raised as to whether the current expectations and pursuit are the OP’s or the parents.
In addition to the advice above, you should also start to think about your alternatives. For example one person I know who didn’t get into Ross was able to get into the School of Information – he really enjoyed it there and ended up with multiple job offers (currently working in the consulting division of a Big 4 firm). Also you could major in economics, math, or another related area.
@mom2collegekids CS is offered both through engineering and LSA. I’ll stick with LSA - I should be able to officially declare by the middle or end of this academic year, and still graduate on time.
Is the problem that the OP’s parents won’t talk to him or her, or that the OP is disappointed in themselves and doesn’t know what to do?
If you know you will stay at UMich, then stay and do the best you can. Look for other opportunities and go for them.
And your parents will come around, if not, at least it seems they are paying for your college.