Parents, how to handle college freshman DD living with boyfriend?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi, </p>

<p>First post here so I hope I won’t step on anyone’s toes. I am sure many of you will have an opinion either way on the situation I’m about to describe and I hope to gain some insight from these. Thanks in advance for sharing. </p>

<p>Well, my DD just came back home for winter break from her coed LAC. Shortly after her arrival, in passing conversation she made if known to us that her boyfriend is literally living in her dorm room on a full time basis. We were aware that she had a new boyfriend since the beginning of the term but we were not aware to what extent their relationship had evolved. To put it mildly, we (mom & dad) are not pleased at all. When we made our opinions known we got a strong “My life, my business, buttout” reaction which made it all the more sad for us …</p>

<p>Now, let me clarify where we stand on certain issues. We are not opposing premarital relationships on any grounds (religious, moral, social etc etc). We are a liberal family and know that certain experiences will be had no matter what we may think about them and we’re ok with that. We would like to think that we raised our DD with a good head on her shoulders but now struggling with this decision she made and how to cope with the aftermath of our discussion. </p>

<p>She tries to assure us that in this day and age (as opposed to the cave dwelling period we apparently come from…) what she is experiencing is the new norm. Either that or the hookup culture which she throws at our face saying “would you rather that I had a different partner every other night” …</p>

<p>Here is why this is not sitting well with us : </p>

<p>We feel that living with someone in an almost “common-law partnership” manner at the tender age of 18 would consume an excess amount of energy taking the main focus of college life away from academics and sway it towards building and maintaining a relationship. </p>

<p>We feel that this is not why we sent her to college.</p>

<p>We feel that while it is ok for her to date someone and have certain experiences it is not ok to go from 0 to 60 in a short period and experiment with pseudo married life. We feel this could be the end goal with the right person which our DD should reach after enjoying all the surprises and excitement along the way. We feel that a full time relationship is something that would be more appropriate at a slightly older age. We feel that we sent our DD to college to study and better herself academically. Not to spend an enormous amount of time building and maintaining a relationship while playing ‘house’.</p>

<p>In rebuttal, she tells us everyone who is in a stable relationship at her college, dating for a while, end up in a similar situation. She tells us that there is even a term coined to describe the roommates who live with someone on campus and thus never take up their space in their own rooms… Ghost-roommates. </p>

<p>She tells us that its either this kind of relationship or the kids who enjoy the hookup scene or the group of kids who are interested but can’t seem to get dates or the fourth group who seem uninterested and only devote their time to their studies. She wants us to believe that what she is living is the norm for people her age and state.</p>

<p>Please help us understand what is ‘normal’. Based on what you hear from your children about them or their friends at college, what is the common opinion? Is it the norm of the day to be 18, living in a college dorm, living with a boyfriend or girlfriend on a 7x24 basis? How would you, as parents manage this situation if you are or were in our shoes?</p>

<p>Thank you very much for your kind input. </p>

<p>SadMom & SadDad</p>

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<p>I get it.
The difference between now and 40 years ago (when I met my husband) was that you didn’t live together.At all.
At the very least you had separate living spaces so that when you kicked each other out after a huge fight then you had somewhere to go. After the fight you could re-think. And if the re-think was that someone needed to be gone… they were gone. No strings. No stickies.
Personally, I think that’s the best plan still. And one I would always advocate. Everyone has their own place as a retreat. Stable relationships aren’t always stable especially in the beginning and some that would become stable suffer because one party has no where to go when the going gets heated.</p>

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<p>This really doesn’t answer you questions but does she have a roommate of the same gender? If she does what does she feel about it? How would she feel if it were the other way around, her roommate having a third share their space essentially 24/7?</p>

4

<p>I am just going to throw this out there. For some, it works. I wouldn’t advocate it, but it’s not the end of the world. </p>

<p>My now-fiance and I started living together (basically) after being together less than a month. We officially moved in together about 4 months after dating. We’ve been living together for nearly 4 years and are getting married in June. </p>

<p>What I would have questions about is: does she have a roommate? If so, it’s not fair to the roommate. If she has a single… meh, at least they’re not paying rent together yet. Better this arrangement than stuck in a joint lease. </p>

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<p>Great questions about the roommate. Yes our DD has a samesex roommate. </p>

<p>Their arrangements is that they have a room which was meant to be the sleeping room with 2 bunk beds and a common room for socialization. At the beginning of the term the girls decided to split the bunk beds and make 2 rooms. After a random selection process DD got the common room and her room made got the single. Shared en-suite bathroom is connected to the common room and so is the main entrance to the suite.</p>

<p>So the poor roommate has to tiptoe through my DD’s room to get to the bathroom. Or even simply to get from outside into her room. Has no privacy with a guy in the mix at all times. To add to the insult, we understand that she a person of strong religious upbringing (which we respect) and has no boy friends at the moment. We are told she had a longterm boyfriend in the past but that she ‘abstains’ from taking her relationships further. We can’t imagine how much stress our DD’s poor decision must be putting on her and feel very embarrassed about this added angle.</p>

<p>So with this added knowledge, we are terribly sad that our DD has created this environment that is disruptive not only for herself but also for her roommate who is a lovely person from what we can tell. We are very sad and sorry to have a daughter who has made this poor choice. All we get from her is “its my life, I’m 18 now and I can make these decisions” … </p>

<p>Just trying to keep it together.</p>

6

<p>Her poor roommate! I would be more upset about her treatment of the roommate than I would be about the live-in boyfriend (and I am opposed to premarital sex…). </p>

<p>I would insist on seeing her grades at the end of the semester and taking it from there. If her grades are not up to her ability I would use that as the discussion basis. YOU pay the tuition, so YOU get to determine whether or not you are wasting your money. If she isn’t taking her education seriously you have the right to stop paying for it.</p>

<p>If she wants to play the “I’m 18” card make “these decisions” then she can take on the adult responsibilities as well, and figure out how to pay for her education. </p>

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<p>She’s lucky the roommate hasn’t made an issue of the situation, which is totally unfair to her. And, she’s right–there’s not much you can do about it. </p>

<p>Maturity is a big concern here. In my case, maturity played a huge role. I ended up happily married to a man totally different from the kind of boy I dated in my early college years. Have always been thankful that I had time to ‘explore’, to make my own mistakes and decide what was really important to me. Don’t believe I’m unique in this respect. </p>

<p>Some of these early relationships work out long term but most don’t. In all probability, this relationship will fall apart and you’ll need to be there to help her pick up the pieces. Matters of the heart are difficult at this age (ANY age, really!). The benefit of hind sight only comes with maturity~</p>

<p>Good luck to you. And, to her!</p>

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<p>

Does he not have his own dorm/apt/home to go back to and has moved all his belongings in there so he is living completely rent free?</p>

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<p>All serious on-campus relationships, whether live-in or not, have the potential to derail a student away from studying. If the boyfriend is serious about his classes, your daughter will be too, since they will presumably study together. How are your daughter’s grades? If they’re good, it would be hard to argue that she’s losing academic focus. I also don’t think that they’re in “an almost common-law” relationship. There’s a big difference between “practically living together” in her dorm, and actually sharing a household and expenses.</p>

<p>My advice is to work on a “this too shall pass” attitude. Your daughter is 18, the boy is of similar age. Odds are this relationship won’t be a long-term one. </p>

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<p>All I can say is that if I was the roommate’s mom I would be ticked off! Paying $$ for a room that was supposed to be shared by one other person of the same sex and then to learn a third person was living there full time. Really, what if the roommate has to use the bathroom while your D and her SO are “having relations?” How uncomfortable would that be?</p>

<p>I know I’m most likely in the minority but I’d say, “my money my rules,” if she has the grades I’d likely continue to pay for tuition but if she wants to ‘live like an adult’ she and her beau can pay for their own room and board. As with KKarma, I am opposed to premarital sex but I could get over it, but I could not get over footing the bill for any of my children to ‘play house.’ Why should I be paying for my daughter’s boyfriend’s lodging? </p>

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<p>I’ll chime in as a parent who would be upset about this, as well as think it is inconsiderate for the room mate. My concerns are similar to that of the OP’s- freshman year is a time of growth, and having a significant other basically there at all times, has an affect on this. It interferes with the relationship with the room mate, who has paid to have a certain level of privacy in the room. </p>

<p>I don’t have my head in the sand about college relationships either. If I was in your D’s situation, I would much prefer the one boyfriend over the hook up culture, but in my day, ( when dinosaurs roamed the earth) it would not be in a live in situation. One can have a committed relationship, spend time together, and also apart. </p>

<p>I also think the dorm situation is pretty uncomfortable for this kind of thing and for the room mate. I do know of some students who are sharing an apartment as older students, and also some that are more traditional and live apart but see each other when they can. I think this distinction depends on whether parents are willing to pay for a live in situation or not, or if the students are independent financially and make the decision.</p>

<p>What I also have come to understand is that trying to discuss this with your D, while she is in the relationship is near impossible, and saying something negative may even drive the relationship further. At the moment, this is emotional for her- and you. Thank goodness she was able to tell you, instead of doing this behind your back. I think it is great that you have this line of communication open.</p>

<p>I also don’t think there is any way to enforce that she not have the boyfriend stay with her in the room. I think you can make stipulations about what you are paying for: a college education: expecting that she does what she is in college for: keep up grades( to her ability) and make studies a priority.</p>

<p>I would feel like you do, and it is hard to let this run its course, but the relationship will either continue or end, and your D will learn from it. One thing I would be certain of is that your D has access to contraception. I assume you two have discussed this, and that she understands you are there to talk about any concerns about school and relationships and that you hope she will keep being able to communicate with you openly. </p>

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<p>“Why should I be paying for my daughter’s boyfriend’s lodging?”</p>

<p>-- Is she, though? More likely, the boyfriend has a dorm room of his own, one he doesn’t use. </p>

<p>I do agree, though, that the roommate is on the losing side of this arrangement. Let’s hope she develops a backbone and says, “enough is enough” by the start of the next term. </p>

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<p>If the boyfriend is in fact living with the OP’s D, the OP is paying for his lodging. It’s as if he has two domiciles one in which he lives full time and a vacation home he has the opportunity to visit. Just because he is still maintaining a dorm room he is not using does not negate the fact that the OP is paying for the room he IS using.</p>

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<p>True. But OP isn’t paying any more than she would had the boy not lived there. And who knows, maybe next term, they can move to HIS room, in which case OP won’t have to pay anything at all. Would that be the preferable outcome? ;)</p>

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<p>You really can’t do anything about the choices she makes assuming she is getting GOOD grades.Whatever that means to you. If she isn’t than that’s a whole different problem.</p>

<p>Let’s move this to next year and assume they are still together. Is she going to stay in the dorm or is she planning on moving to an apartment. If she moves to an apartment then the boyfriend really doesn’t have to pay rent anywhere. Then it would really be living together. I would make sure she is getting the grades you expect AND I would keep her on campus in a dorm. Also you didn’t say. Is the boyfriend going to school and has his own dorm or is he just living with her?</p>

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<p>Yes, it would, if the boyfriend’s parents want to bank roll them playing house that’s their choice. The parents agreed to pay for a room to be shared by one other person of the same sex not two other people, they are not getting what they agreed to pay for. They aren’t paying more but they are getting less and this is not what they agreed to.</p>

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<p>Unless you want to play the we-won’t-pay-your-tuition card, you may have to let this one go, and let your D learn from her mistakes. I know that’s not easy.</p>

<p>FWIW, I was in your D’s situation when I was a sophomore (back in 1981). I did estrange my roommate (and we had selected each other), and I still feel bad about that. OTOH, my class attendance and schoolwork suffered more in the period before my girlfriend moved in. The “courtship” was much more time consuming and emotionally draining. After she moved in, things settled down quite a bit.</p>

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<p>I would be extremely disappointed in my D for being so rude to her roommate - that would bother me far more than the fact that she is shacking up with her boyfriend. If it was just D and the guy, I would not say anything to her. I knew people living together in college, and they all grew up to be fine, upstanding members of society … some still with that person, most not. At least it’s a real relationship, as opposed to the hook-up lifestyle. </p>

<p>Back in the dinosaur days, we didn’t tell our parents about this sort of thing. </p>

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<p>I am also of the “my money, my rules” school of thought - at least that’s what I told my (no graduated) D when she started the “my life, butt out” routine. It’s her life when she’s no longer dependent on us. Until then, we DO have a say. And I would be incredibly disappointed in my D if she treated her roommate that way. Yes, there’s the term “Ghost-roommate” but there’s also the term “sexiled.” And it is beyond inconsiderate to impose on a roommate that way.</p>

<p>Now, all that being said, if D’s grades are OK, there really isn’t much that can be done. She can lie and say he’s not living there any more, but how would you know?</p>

<p>It would be more disappointing to me that D has this attitude than the boyfriend himself.</p>

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<p>

@Chedva I’m curious. If it came down to it, would you really pull the pin? I can picture my dad doing it. I can’t picture me doing it.</p>