<p>It makes a big difference if BF is “staying over” with a place of his own elsewhere or just “mooching” on your D’s digs.
Whether she realizes the need or not now, she needs the option to throw his butt out when the time comes with no ties.
Not to mention how disrespectful and rude this is to her roommate (whose mom is probably starting another thread right now).<br>
OR maybe the roomie likes him and doesn’t mind his being around. Maybe he’s just a good guy with qualities you don’t know about yet. but she still needs a way to throw him out.</p>
<p>When in a new environment, sometimes we cling to the nearest floating life preserver, even if it is not the best thing for us. She’s only been at school a couple of months. Give her some time to get on her feet and she will move on. Lesson learned. Focus on what opportunities await in second semester, summer plans, etc. </p>
<p>Thanks for all your input. I’ve been reading your posts and even read some out loud to my DD as we were having a big talk about this situation. She is speaking with her roommate right now apologizing to her for what she put her through. I will respond more in detail to some of your questions, suggestions a little later. This real time at this point. Thank you very much for your support. </p>
<p>I think as a parent you get to ask, “how would you feel if your roommate did this to YOU?” but then you need to back off. I think making the roommate feel like a guest in her own home is the crux of the problem. Your D is likely too caught up in early romance to have fully thought through what it must be like to tip toe around your own room- or to take a space meant for two and add a third body to it.</p>
<p>another way to think about it, if your d was living at home and commuting to college would you be ok with her having her boy friend move in to her bedroom in your house???</p>
<p>
You know, I honestly cannot say whether I would. But I do know that I would never accept “It’s my life, butt out” response from a nominal adult, any more that I would accept a tamtrum from a toddler.</p>
<p>My daughter has been the “sexiled” roommate twice with two different roommates. One, the guy stayed over on weekends. Lots of drunk sex in the next bed. The other- guy stayed over the whole summer. She stays in her own room to avoid even seeing the other roommate. Her grades suffered, i spent many hours on the phone trying to get her to stand up for herself (she wouldn’t), and we are still dealing with the fallout. I would be mortified if my daughter was this disrespectful to her roommate. We are searching for a single now since the roommate route has been a disaster.
I feel really bad for you as the parents. You obviously have compassion for the roommate and are disappointed in your daughter’s choices. I agree with someone above- when they are in the middle of young love, you will probably not get them to see it from another perspective. As far as the seriousness of the relationship, I would rather have my daughter with one person than several. It is really hard when they reach this age- if you want them to progress in and complete college and wouldn’t yank that away from them, it’s almost impossible to get them to follow any rules or suggestions you might want to impose.</p>
<p>Is D’s BF visiting over the holidays by any chance? If so, it would be a good opportunity to talk to them together about it. At some point in their lives, each of them is going to be impacted by the selfish behavior of another person. A big part of the college experience is learning how to coexist with other people, being able to see how your actions affect others, and negotiating through sticky situations. Along that line I would hope that the roommate has at least attempted to stand up for her rights.</p>
<p>@SadParent1 </p>
<p>“Please help us understand what is ‘normal’. Based on what you hear from your children about them or their friends at college, what is the common opinion? Is it the norm of the day to be 18, living in a college dorm, living with a boyfriend or girlfriend on a 7x24 basis?”</p>
<p>I’m not sure anyone really answered your question and certainly any response is based on one’s own personal experience. I can only tell you that having now two sons with 6 years of college between them, 4 in dorms, and 2 in off-campus housing, this is definitely not the norm. (If the norm means widespread occurrence and acceptance of this type of situation). To the extent you describe it, I would actually think it doesn’t occur that frequently. </p>
<p>Since you asked for feedback, one thing you wrote really stuck out to me:</p>
<p>“She tells us that its either this kind of relationship or the kids who enjoy the hookup scene or the group of kids who are interested but can’t seem to get dates or the fourth group who seem uninterested and only devote their time to their studies. She wants us to believe that what she is living is the norm for people her age and state.”</p>
<p>It sounds like she is stating there are only four groups of kids:</p>
<p>1) Those who basically co-habitate within the dorm system
2) Those who are participating in the hookup culture
3) Those who can’t get dates
4) Those who are too busy studying to have a social life</p>
<p>So there’s no possibility that today’s college students can socialize, date, and even have serious relationships without either co-habitating or constantly hooking up? There are no kids who are very studious and also date? No one has an active social life that includes casual dating in a more traditional manner? To me, this seems to be an immature, inaccurate, and unhealthy view. Not surprising, as most 18-year olds are somewhat immature at least in some way (mine certainly weren’t immune). Maybe you’ve already taken a shot at it, but I would try to help here see there is another way to approach college and relationships.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>In 1983 spring semester, freshman year, my roommate moved in with her boyfriend who had a single. My boyfriend moved in to my room. My parents were not happy when I announced he and I would be sharing an apartment that summer and called it “playing house.” BUT we’ve been together ever since. </p>
<p>I was the roommate (30 years ago) that ended up with a third person in the room freshman year but it was the HS same sex best friend of my real roommate that was supposed to be commuting from home. Less embarassing but just as crowded. I always felt in the way in MY room. Moved off campus into my own place for 2 years. Summer before senior year moved in with the long-term boyfriend. My parents had to have been disappointed but never said a word. Turned out to be the BEST thing I ever did relationship-wise because I knew within 3 months that I would NOT marry him. Made my career choices accordingly and never looked back. Also, my grades never suffered because I was not part of the party, looking for the new guy all-the-time culture. I am glad to hear she is now aware of the impact on her roommate, but I recommend staying quiet about your opinion of the boyfriend. Some things just have to be learned on your own. </p>
<p>Ok. Here I am with a few responses & updates. To sum it up, Both my DD and her boyfriend are in all paid up dorms. BF sleeping over 7x24 doesn’t change anything financially for either family. Of course the room where he is not sleeping at is left vacant for his roommates so I suppose they are quite happy with this arrangement. </p>
<p>We spoke with our DD at length. She sees the unfair situation she has created for her roommate and feels apologetic. Still at our urging, she called the roommate and they had a nice talk. Our DD apologized to her and told her that the situation will change going forward. </p>
<p>The roommate was very kind and polite about the whole thing and yet we who can read in between the lines a little better than our ‘young adult’ had to help her get the whole message afterwards. Basically the summary of the roommates comments goes something like this : </p>
<p>a) I don’t have a problem with you having a BF visit but you two are together all the time in the room so its not very easy to do anything in our suite without getting involved in your relationship to one degree or another. </p>
<p>b) It wasn’t nice when you gave a key to the suite to your boyfriend [without consulting with me] and I had to find out when he barged in to the room unannounced one day. (Yikes… This was news to us… The BF even had his own keys to the dorm room…). </p>
<p>c) It wasn’t nice when my [very conservative] parents visited for the Freshman Parents Weekend and your BF’s shoes were around and I had to dance around the situation with my parents. This really put me in a very difficult situation where I had to do a lot of explaining which I would have preferred not having to do. </p>
<p>d) We can’t really study in our suite as its always very ‘crowded’. I am doing almost all my studying at the library. </p>
<p>I think hearing all this helped our DD realize her impact on the roommate a little more than she wanted to accept before. We asked her, considering all this, not to have the BF live in with her for the rest of the year and then re-evaluate as situation changes over the summer months and coming years. She agreed that this relationship level is having undesirable effects on her roommate and possibly herself and her BF.</p>
<p>We then asked her to call her BF and tell him that while it is ok for them to date it is not ok for him to remain living in her room. She started the conversation but danced around the topic so I had to step in and have a ‘man to man’ talk with this fine young gentleman and explain to him what his impact he is having on my DD’s life and where it might lead to if he does not back out a little. I told him that I’m not sending my DD to college to have this experience and that I will not continue supporting this endeavor unless things change drastically in the next semester. He seemed to understand and agree but time will tell how things turn out of course. I did wish him Merry Christmas in closing words just to make sure he didn’t think I’m being a brute… ;-)</p>
<p>In response to some valuable ‘pro-living-together’ comments above, please note we have no objections to the concept in general. We just think that our DD’s situation is too quick too soon, at too much of a young age, with too much of an impact on others who don’t need and deserve such distractions at all. We of course think that this level of relationship has to have some negative impact on the available time and attention span for the academics but of course our DD assures us otherwise ;-). </p>
<p>Anyways, time will tell I suppose how these young folks chart their future. For now we did all we can and now is the time to sit back and observe how it plays out from here. Of course the air is thick and tense as we head into what’s left of our winter break.</p>
<p>Thank you very much once again for all your input. The overwhelming feedback helped tremendously as we were having our dialogue with our DD. Wishing you all the very best in this festive season. Happy Holidays!!!</p>
<p>@Matmaven </p>
<p>"It sounds like she is stating there are only four groups of kids:</p>
<p>1) Those who basically co-habitate within the dorm system
2) Those who are participating in the hookup culture
3) Those who can’t get dates
4) Those who are too busy studying to have a social life</p>
<p>So there’s no possibility that today’s college students can socialize, date, and even have serious relationships without either co-habitating or constantly hooking up? There are no kids who are very studious and also date? No one has an active social life that includes casual dating in a more traditional manner? To me, this seems to be an immature, inaccurate, and unhealthy view. Not surprising, as most 18-year olds are somewhat immature at least in some way (mine certainly weren’t immune). Maybe you’ve already taken a shot at it, but I would try to help here see there is another way to approach college and relationships."</p>
<p>Absolutely on the same page. This is totally where we’ve been coming from. Hopefully DD has heard the message in a positive light and will try to discover what that 5th option looks like. Thank you. </p>
<p>I’m happiest for the roommate! That poor girl. How many times have we heard “her” side of the story in one way or another? I’m glad you were able to get your d to understand, and actually call her roomie to hear what she had to say about it. I probably wouldn’t have talked to the bf, but you know about the situation more than me. It’s a time of huge growth for your d and learning to be considerate of others is an important first step.</p>
<p>Here’s to hoping she can have a more regular kind of college experience her second semester.</p>
<p>Totally unfair to the roommate. Is this school one where males and females can choose to room together? If so, you might want to nip that in the bud now before room draw for next year if that would be problematic for you as well.</p>
<p>Good for your D. </p>
<p>B is COMPLETELY unacceptable. No one should have a key to the suite besides those actually paying for it. </p>
<p>She’s lucky she has a nice roommate. </p>
<p>So, the OP is the dad? I thought it was the mom. Good for him to have a “man to man” talk with the BF…lol</p>
<p>Edit to Note: X post with your update (had the reply window open a long time while I watched a movie)</p>
<p>I don’t think it is unusual for college boyfriend and girlfriend to be pretty much inseparable. Some people are like that. Sure, from my point of view, it is not ideal timing right off the bat first semester of college. It is disappointing to see your daughter sucked up into a relationship at risk of not being an independent person, not knowing how to be content in one’s own solitude, maybe not having deep peer relationships because of it, not having your own identity in the community.</p>
<p>I was glad my daughter didn’t get a serious bf until later, but they were together a lot I think, studied together and he was a really disciplined studier so I couldn’t dislike that. I really had no idea about living arrangements as an upperclassman and I didn’t care. I guess the main issue I’d have is the age and immaturity level showing here.</p>
<p>What is not normal is moving into someone else’s room and not maintaining your separate freshman dorms. No, I don’t think that happens too much freshman year. I don’t look at it like living together or playing house. They are at college, housing and roommates are fluid. It bothers me that they can’t maintain their own housing and have some degree of separation. I would be concerned about that, it is hard to say why, it seems so lacking in mindfulness and self control and self sufficiency, and needing someone’s approval or male approval or something.</p>
<p>I’m with some of the other commenters in that it seems that the roommate is in a possible nightmare situation. It certainly can’t be the freshman experience that she was looking forward to. I wonder just how miserable she is, and it is appalling how thoughtless this is. We see people posting sometimes in the college forum when the boyfriend is over too much and how it deprives the other person enjoyment of her own dorm. That he wholesale moved in is really galling. At least they should be over at his place half the time and giving this girl a break. Even over half the time is not reasonable though. I hope there can be some relief for the roommate. It is really selfish to think it is okay and just hope the person doesn’t say something, likely they feel too powerless to. Why didn’t they impose on the male roommate? He wouldn’t put up with it? When you are upper division it is harder to push a peer around too.</p>
<p>I think your daughter is being rude to you with the my life stuff, and that is deeply sad. She is also creating a false dichotomy and trying to hold you hostage to threats by positing that her alternative is to sleep around indiscriminately. That’s immature.</p>
<p>I feel for you, but I’m not sure I’m bothered about the same things as you are in the situation (but I share your view on sex and relationships are natural at this age for most people, this is the norm in my youth and I can’t be that much of a hypocrite.) I hope she isn’t just oblivious to an honest conversation.</p>
<p>Wow you take some fast action. I didn’t realize you were the Dad either.</p>
<p>I am very surprised that the daughter could give a ‘key’ to the boyfriend. Most keys are now electronic, and even if you lose your key and they replace it, they shut off the old one. My daughter has been locked out of her room a few times, and if she can’t find her roommate to let her in, she has to go to front desk, get a pass, and pay $5. The RA cannot enter the room or let them in.</p>