Parents, how to handle college freshman DD living with boyfriend?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>Yup. Dad here. Mom has been busy doing much of the talking while I posted here gathering input (which has immensely helped) and has literally passed out with exhaustion. </p>

<p>Bottomline, we are not proud at all about what our DD felt comfortable doing the first instance she found herself in her new environment with the new found freedoms. While she lived with us she did have a BF but we had our house rules aligned with our family values. Responding to an earlier question, BF would not be welcome to come and sleep in the same room with our DD but we did have many days and nights when we hosted the BF where he ended up sleeping in our guest room. It appears that, the minute DD was released from the ‘shackles’ of our house rules, she dived deep into the relationship experience as if that is the biggest expected outcome from her college life. </p>

<p>I completely agree with all the comments critical of DD and feel embarrassed that we raised a DD who could be this inconsiderate to her roommate and this rude to us. </p>

<p>@BrownParent‌ </p>

<p>“Sure, from my point of view, it is not ideal timing right off the bat first semester of college. It is disappointing to see your daughter sucked up into a relationship at risk of not being an independent person, not knowing how to be content in one’s own solitude, maybe not having deep peer relationships because of it, not having your own identity in the community.”</p>

<p>Precisely how we felt. We thought we had raised a strong woman who would make the right choices, maturing her identify and appreciate who she is before jumping into a relationship almost as soon as she arrived on college. We feel very disappointed in this regard and hurt. Still we realize we need to step back and let her make some mistakes and learn from them along the way but we are determined not to let these mistakes hurt others and/or result in irreversible damage to our DD. </p>

<p>We will do our best with reacting to this and hopefully manage to salvage some of our relationship and help her mature along the way.</p>

42

<p>@twoinanddone‌ “I am very surprised that the daughter could give a ‘key’ to the boyfriend.”</p>

<p>So were we. This dorm has real keys to the rooms. Turns out she lost her key at some point and had to pay for a replacement. Then she found the key and hence had an extra. Well, so the story goes. Not sure if the extra key was procured with the intention of being given to the BF or if the whole lost & found situation is what really happened but good thing we got to the bottom of it. </p>

<p>I am very sorry the roommate had to suffer as much as she did and feel appalled that my DD felt nothing was wrong with what she put her roommate through all this time.</p>

43

<p>I think you have done your best and better than most would do in handling it and discussing it and asking for some action on dd’s part. I hope your daughter can see her way to having a better and more honest relationship than the ‘it’s my life’ one while you are footing the college bill. Some people just have that teen attitude inappropriately late and still need to get it out of their system maybe, lol.</p>

44

<p>“Some people just have that teen attitude inappropriately late and still need to get it out of their system maybe, lol.”</p>

<p>Yup. Hopefully today was a big learning experience for her. It sure was for us. Tomorrow is a new day. </p>

<p>She is a clever girl and realizes that she has pushed it too much. Right now she could simply be doing what it takes to survive the break until she gets back on campus. Her actions, once the new term starts, will speak louder than her words now. Fingers crossed!</p>

<p>Happy parenting. It just doesn’t seem to get easy.</p>

45

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<p>I don’t think this is necessarily a fair assessment.
Some people really do just fall head over heels. It happens and it’s OK. That doesn’t mean that that was her “biggest expected outcome” </p>

46

<p>“I don’t think this is necessarily a fair assessment.” </p>

<p>Possibly. I do know of many couples who met first year of college and have enjoyed many happy years together building a family. We might be calling the BF SIL down the road who knows. Or he could be ex in a couple months due to one reason or another. Too early to tell.</p>

<p>DD is not a serial dater. She kept one relationship going for about 18 months before the ‘heading to college breakup’. They decided it was not going to work out long distance. Then the next thing we hear is that she has a new BF. </p>

<p>Initially we asked her why the rush and she said she met the nicest person etc etc. What do you say to that? We just stepped back and watched her go through her term 1 with as much as she wished to share with us. Turned out she omitted one key piece of information which was the living arrangements.</p>

47

<p>Could you do an anonymous call to the RA? At least that would put a bit of distance between them. </p>

48

<p>Yes. This was definitely something we talked about today. We’ll need to find a way to be more ‘informed’ and ‘influential’ in term 2 without having to hire an apartment next to the dorm. :-)</p>

<p>Heading in for some much needed rest. Its been a crazy day and I have a feeling tomorrow may bring some aftershocks… I don’t think this matter is over yet but will try to think positively as I try to rest. </p>

<p>All the best and thanks once again. </p>

49

<p>I had no real problems with it until it was revealed that there is a third roommate. You can do this with a single, but it is NOT okay when you have a roommate. It’s bad enough to have sleepovers on an occasional Friday or Saturday, but it’s not right to put the roommate through this, no matter how much the roommate says it’s okay.</p>

50

<p>I hope you can enjoy the rest of winter break with your daughter, after a rather rough start.</p>

51

<p>,makes we wonder if the roommate is somebody that has posted something similar here but from her POV on cc…iI will have to find that thread</p>

52

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<p>From what I’ve observed of many RAs I’ve known at my college and several others, a request from parents to spy on the kids on their floor/section of dorm is likely to be ignored at best. </p>

<p>RA’s main job is to ensure the students on the floor/section of dorm they are charged with are complying with housing regulations and assist students to the best of their abilities/power in issues ranging from roommate disputes to medical emergencies. They really work for the campus housing office, not the parents. </p>

<p>Thus, they’re unlikely to honor the request in practice, especially considering doing so may actually violate college/dorm policies they themselves must abide by and in some cases, bring up liability concerns* the housing office may not want to deal with. </p>

<ul>
<li>Someone lying they are parent of a student for the purpose of stalking them.<br></li>
</ul>

53

<p>I started this post last night, but forgot to post. I was trying to answer if it is normal for people to live together in college.</p>

<p>This is not something you can monitor. It is really up to your D as to what she wants to do. I would have a talk with her the importance of her having her own interest and social life outside of her boyfriend. By spending all of her time with her boyfriend she is missing out bonding with other people, which includes her roommate. This is the time when many freshmen make their life long friends. I hope your D is not missing out on it. </p>

<p>I have two daughters, one age 25 and another 21. From what I know from them, people their age don’t necessary end up living with their SO or spend all of their time together. D1 had two long term relationships while in college. She saw her BF on weekends, sometimes on weekdays, but she always spent time with her girlfriends. </p>

<p>D2 had a very good friend from freshman year. The girlfriend started going out with someone after few months and ended up spending all of her time with the BF. D2 was very sad initially, but has since then moved on to make other friends. Now this girl is making an effort to want to rekindle her friendship with D2 and other girls. D2 told me that it is not going to be easy because they have all moved on.</p>

<p>Tell her not to put all of her eggs in one basket.</p>

<p>This morning:
Good going Dad. Next thing you will be dealing is where this boy is going to sleep when he comes for a visit. BTW - there is a thread on this topic too.</p>

54

<p>Well… maybe a different opinion here. You may find that the “man to man” talk you just had will haunt you for years if you embarrassed this young man (and your daughter). If this is your first contact with what turns out to be your son-in-law in the future, it may have created a rift that will never be fixed even if you did wish him happy holidays at the end of the conversation. If they break up over this, you D may blame you for a long time, too. I would have insisted that your D explain to him about the roommate consideration issues and tell him that the arrangement has to change because of that – but otherwise, I would NOT have interfered in this.</p>

55

<p>

If this young man would break up with OP’s daughter over this then he clearly is not mature enough to have a relationship. It doesn’t sound like OP was rude on the phone. </p>

56

<p>We are hearing the OP’s side… he might want to make it sound like he wasn’t. Just saying. If the young man feels that he is being rejected as boyfriend/suitor material by the dad’s comments, this WILL rankle for many years if they stay together.</p>

57

<p>I think both DD and the b/f needed a wake-up call about how inconsiderate they were being to the roommate.</p>

<p>Given how articulate SadDad has been on this thread, I suspect he did the same on the phone.</p>

<p>I would be curious about grades–if DD did better or worse than expected? </p>

58

<p>I stopped reading at post #26. OP, I definitely feel your angst. I have always told DD that close, romantic relationships can be time consuming at such a young age. One tends to focus on love -vs-self discovery/improvement/growth. I, myself married my high school sweetheart, so I know what I speak of. My biggest Q is((and forgive me for asking if it has already been asked), is your dd on b.c.? </p>

59

<p>Sad Parent, it sounds like you and your wife are concerned parents who love your D dearly. I applaud you both for not shying away from a difficult situation, even when your D tried to push you away.</p>

<p>The conversation D had with her roommate was a great start, and I hope that the roommate friendship can be salvaged over the next term. That is the “loss” of starting college and getting right into a serious relationship, not getting to cast a wide net and meet a large number of people, some of whom could have been her “tribe”. </p>

<p>You can’t spy on your D at college, but is there a way to continue following up with D’s roommate? Not without telling D, but with a general understanding of “because this is important, we want to followup with your roommate and make sure the changes you make are satisfactory with her”. Calling the roommate may cross the line, but maybe it can start you thinking of a way that you can have some measure of roommate having a better living situation next term, and at the same time let D know there is some kind of followup involved.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you. You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. If people really knew how hard Parenting was going to be, for so many years, would we really be so excited looking at the preganancy test positive results??</p>

60

<p>@cobrat‌ "From what I’ve observed of many RAs I’ve known at my college and several others, a request from parents to spy on the kids on their floor/section of dorm is likely to be ignored at best.</p>

<p>RA’s main job is to ensure the students on the floor/section of dorm they are charged with are complying with housing regulations"</p>

<p>Good point. I did not think that we would call on the RA to ask him/her to spy on DD. I was thinking more along the lines of calling in (if need be) to report violations of housing regulations such as keeping a 3rd occupant in a 2 person suite and providing a key to a person who is not meant to have a key to this room. I do think the RA would step in to deal with these violations if called on.</p>

<p>@oldfort‌ - thanks for sharing in post #52. You sum up very nicely what we fear is happening in terms of our DD limiting the exposure to be had and benefit to be gained by being at the college due to being in an all consuming relationship this early in her life.</p>

<p>@intparent‌ “If the young man feels that he is being rejected as boyfriend/suitor material by the dad’s comments, this WILL rankle for many years if they stay together.”</p>

<p>I hear you. It was a heated moment but I think I kept it under control. I basically told him that we don’t know him yet but do look forward to meeting him one day. I told him that we have no problems with him dating our daughter per se but that he should not be living with her on a full time basis at this point in life when they are both only 18. I told him that if their relationship matures there may come a point where they do get to live together under different circumstances but that a freshman dorm at the expense of a roommate is not going to continue to happen. I told him that if he doesn’t back out this might have long lasting impact on our daughter’s college experience and if he cares enough about her that he would back off and do the right thing for DD as well as himself. </p>

<p>I don’t think I gave him any message that we reject him as a person. I was very clear that we are absolutely against the 7x24 living arrangements but still this interaction could have long lasting effects one way or another. It was a spur of the moment call and I don’t regret having had the exchange. </p>

<p>@bookworm‌ “I would be curious about grades–if DD did better or worse than expected?” So are we. Results not out yet. DD did admit that she feels she did not give all that she could have to her studies.</p>

<p>@NewHavenCTmom‌ - yes. bc check. </p>

<p>@powercropper‌ - thanks for your support. We do not wish to spy on our DD as there is only so much you can do of that and the more our relationship slides in that direction the more our DD would get sneaky to go around our ‘spying’. We do not wish to fuel this kind of negative behavior. Still, we would like to make sure things are ok along the way. </p>

<p>We met the DD’s roommate’s parents during move in and exchanged contacts for emergencies etc. We are thinking of sending them a seasonal greetings note and mention briefly how sorry we are for our DDs negative impact on their DD this term and apologize. We want to let them know that we now know of this situation and don’t approve of it. </p>

<p>We will probably end up by telling them that if their DD mentions of similar trouble in term 2 they should not suffer in silence but simply let us know as we would definitely want to know and do something about it. Just a thought at this point but we think we can work with the roommate’s parents to make the term 2 experience a better one for both DDs.</p>

<p>Apologies for this long post. </p>