<p>I wouldn’t contact the roomies parents. They may have no idea this happened, and it could have repercussions you don’t fully understand. What if they said that’s it, college is way too wild as we feared, come home…</p>
<p>^^ Very good point. We would not want to make life harder for the roommate than it already is. Seems like she did have difficulty explaining the shoes while her parents visited so perhaps you are right. We will think very carefully about this. Maybe just a season’s greeting note to keep communication channels open so that they can call on us if they are troubled with this situation along the way. </p>
<p>I think OP handled the situation perfectly. The conversation with the BF was an important one. Sends the message that there is strong family support behind the D and they have standards. Thats a good start to any relationship as far as I am concerned. </p>
<p>Quite frankly, I also would be wary of a BF who could so casually move in and not be concerned about the roommate. He is the interloper. Let’s see if he takes OP’s advice - that will shine some light on who he really is. I think teenagers sometimes need a little nudge to do the right thing -this is all part of the growing process. But if after recognizing the misstep, they keep doing it, then there is an issue.</p>
<p>Think the roommate is a keeper! Hoping the relationship is salvageable.</p>
<p>The BF “interloped” with the DD’s permission. And the DD certainly didn’t even seem to be thinking about whether this is considerate roommate behavior. I see no reason to blame the BF more than the DD. And honestly… my experience has been as a parent that I should be working on issues and behaviors with MY kid, not with significant others or their parents. I find this over the line for parental involvement, honestly. If the DD was feeling pressured and unable to fend off the BF’s advances or something, then a parent maybe should step in. But this is consenting behavior on the DD’s part.</p>
<p>I think the OP recognized that his D’s behavior was inappropriate vis a vis her roommate and was taking steps to ensure the BF got the same message. He was in the D’s room after all so in my view that gives him plenty of standing. He also gave his D the opportunity to have that conversation with the BF on the telephone herself, but the D was not able to do it. I do not believe in meddling in general but sometimes there is a clear need for adult assistance and guidance. This situation is one of them. </p>
<p>Just read through the entire thread. I’m impressed with Sad Parent. I think he handled as well as possible with just the right amount of grace and pressure on his daughter and BF. I hope I do as well when I face a tough situation like this.</p>
<p>As for the BF, I would hold off on further judgment and see what he does next semester. Hopefully they’ve learned from this. The key incident is probably the most egregious. I am surprised the roommate didn’t complain to the RA. That is a major privacy and safety breach.</p>
<p>During my senior year in college, I shared an apartment with a friend. Her boyfriend moved in. At first, I was fine because we had two bedrooms. One day I came home to a smoky poker game and one player asked me what I was doing there. That day, I asked (okay, demanded) the boyfriend pay rent. Amazingly, my roommate paid his share of the rent. </p>
<p>When I was in college and living in an apartment, the person subletting had her boyfriend move in - after we already had moved in and signed the lease. The guy was a real creep, so me and my friend both moved out, no notice given. She then took us to court for breaking the lease - we won the case in about 2 minutes when we said the boyfriend moved in without our permission and we weren’t comfortable with him. </p>
<p>I’m impressed by how SadParent handled it too.
It sounds like he handled himself perfectly well on the phone with the young man. </p>
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<p>Absolutely agree.</p>
<p>The young man likely knows that he’s dealing with a young lady who has loving parents. And, when HE becomes a dad, he’ll know exactly how these parents felt.</p>
<p>For many prior generations, fathers have been far more direct about such matters, “What are your intentions with my daughter?” “if you ever hurt her, you’ll find yourself missing a few parts,” etc, and it hasn’t hurt any future relationships. It’s not like this dad said, “you can’t come near my D” or “you can’t have sex with my D.”</p>
<p>What this dad did was very minor and appropriate. </p>
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<p>I agree. Telling the roomie’s parents could get her into trouble because she likely hasn’t been too honest with them about the situation. Telling them could expose that the poor girl had to tell some lies to cover-up the OP’s D’s behavior.</p>
<p>Or worse, they could pull their D out of that college because it is “exposing her” to “bad things”.</p>
<p>I’m not sure the talk will “haunt” the OP, @intparent . Sadparents in my opinion have handled this situation very well, by talking in a forthright manner with everyone who was involved.</p>
<p>Yes, first impressions are important. When GF first brought me home to meet her parents they made me sleep in the basement! I still remember how cold, damp and dark it was down there. But we’ve been married 23 years and I have good relations with my in-laws, in part because I know how much their D means to them.</p>
<p>Check the residence life rules at your daughter’s college. Many colleges do not allow “guests” for more than a certain number of days.</p>
<p>I would also advise your daughter that she is being very inconsiderate of her roommate who may not want to be tiptoeing through their room to get to hers, or sharing an en suite bathroom.</p>
<p>If they are so committed to living together, I suggest they do so in the BOY’s room next semester so your daughter’s roommate can have a break from this.</p>
<p>And while it is “her life”…we were pretty clear with our kids. If they wanted to live “their lives” as adults, they were welcome to get jobs and pay all of their own adult bills…like housing. We would not pay for this arrangement…not full time. Yes, we realize couples make the choice to sleep together in dorm rooms…but the choice to inconvenience a roommate. And have this as a full time arrangement would not be on our dime.</p>
<p>Congrats, sad parents, I think you are doing an amazing job of handling this situation sensitively and appropriately. It sounds like you handled the phone call to BF well and that the room mate was able to finally be heard about her issues. </p>
<p>Here’s hoping Spring semester brings about appropriate changes, with everyone living in their respective living spaces. </p>
<p>OP, you are handling this very well. And I think your chat with the BF was spot on. If his feelings are so delicate that he can’t handle a chat with the Papa, then he’s not ready for a serious relationship and your daughter needs to know that now.
Well done. </p>
<p>Sadparent, I like you!. What you have conveyed on this thread show poise, holding your daughter accountable for her behavior, communicating to young man that you raised your daughter well and showing great empathy for your DD’s roommate. The young man may like you or he may not, but I guarantee you he will not forget the conversation you both had. I hope some good comes out of this. Do keep us posted.</p>
<p>With regards to being “sexiled”- this is one talk I had when deciding on a room mate, and spoke to my kids when it was their turn to go to college and choose their room mate. My feelings on this topic is that whoever pays rent - that’s whose room it is. A room mate should not bring in an overnight guest without discussing this with the other room mate and agreeing on it, and also doesn’t have the right to bring in another live-in room mate. If this is discussed up front, and both room mates agree on it, then it should not be an issue during the school year. </p>
<p>My concerns about cohabitation are the same as the OP and several posters here. While college freshmen are sexually mature, I think most of them have emotional growth ahead of them. I don’t think it is good for them to have a significant other with them all the time, because spending all that time with one person means you aren’t spending time with others, and are also not spending time alone, which is also important for emotional growth. In this situation, the students are not making other supportive friendships or having as many independent experiences.</p>
<p>However, all this we know from the parental perspective and this information would probably not be well received by a student in a relationship. I think the OP handled it well by expressing his feelings, and hopefully the conversation will continue. </p>
<p>OP I have to wonder… Why did your DD tell you the BF was basically living with her 24/7? Is it possible that she wants some space from the BF? It just seems to be something that wouldn’t come up conversation unless she really wanted you to know it.</p>
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<p>Whether this works also depends on personality of the young men concerned and his knowledge of the D’s personality.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, whether rightly or wrongly, some young adolescent/adult men perceive they need to negotiate a fine balance between being polite enough to be pleasing to the parents…especially father and yet, not so polite he loses the respect and possible love as a “wimpy milquetoast” from a D who may be in midst of rebelling from her parents. </p>
<p>While it may not help to contact the RA, several colleges have a Dean of Parents now. That’s who I would call. They will have dealt with situations like this before.</p>
<p>Honestly, I would not be happy. My 18 year old is paying attention to school, and going out occasionally with friends. The focus is school and doing the absolute best possible(so far, thank God). If your daughter has her own room, she isn’t infringing on anyone else’s rights and space, at least, but if there is a roommate, she has no business moving some guy into “their” room. That is just beyond disrespectful of a roommate. That is not normal. </p>
<p>Also, she knows your values. It’s beyond disrespectful to you to do that as well, as YOU are financially supporting her in her choice to shack up with some guy. Just not cool. She is presenting a false dichotomy there; the choice isn’t between him living there or her having sex with a different guy every night! The choice is between normal dating and the exponential increase (zero to 60, as you say) of living with him. Again, not cool. </p>
<p>I would just not support that at all. That’s not why we sent ours to school, to flagrantly violate our values, but rather, to improve her marketability by acquiring skills and a strong educational base. In our case, we do have traditional religious values, and I cannot in good conscience pay ours to violate them flagrantly like that. </p>
<p>I would be expressing my displeasure on a number of bases, though she might only “hear” the roommate one now. As the roommate, I would have strong objections to someone else - a male, no less, so I’d feel the need to always be covered - being in my space all the time (assuming there is a roommate). This was not the agreement when she went off to college and that’s not ok. </p>
<p>Those grades, after this semester of playing house, are likely to be affected. </p>