Parents, how to handle college freshman DD living with boyfriend?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I met my SO sophomore year and we started living together quickly. He was a positive effect on my studies, I was probably a slight negative effect on his. I had just turned 19. Note my previous BF had encouraged me to slack off my schoolwork, and my grades suffered though he hadn’t even stayed the night once in my dorm room.</p>

<p>Junior year, my SO had a double at his frat and he just left some clothes there. His roommate had a huge single the whole year. My SO’s housing loans paid for that room. We lived in my single junior year. Senior year, we move off-campus because college housing would not allow two people of the opposite gender to live together on campus. But it was clear there were many same-sex couples living on campus, and the college didn’t care about that.</p>

<p>The only problems I have with the OP’s D’s situation:

  • the roommate is being greatly inconvenienced and probably a bit skeeved. It’s good to have that talk and clear up that part of it. Since I met and moved in with my SO end of sophomore year, I would have paid her off to move out to the sorority house (whatever amount was remaining in her contract). That is more difficult freshman year, and I don’t know her finances.
  • why bring it up to your parents now, do you want the situation to be welcomed or be told not to do it? (as in post #76) - I did NOT tell my parents I was living with someone until they found out in person on move-out day</p>

<p>As for “being all in” in a teenaged relationship, I knew very few people living together, 24/7 (that is, not just sleeping over every night) even by the end of senior year. In fact, I think my situation starting sophomore year was the only one where the couple was truly living together, every day, all meals, etc. There were steady BFs who slept over most nights who packed up each morning, and lived the day at their own dorm.</p>

<p>Oh, and my parent’s response to me living with someone part of sophomore year? “It’s good you found someone to protect you”. They were afraid of the parties and the stories of what happens on campus, and felt that living with a guy was better than not (this was before they knew him even).</p>

<p>A question - what about the holidays? Are they parting for weeks or will they maintain their relationship?</p>

<p>My advice if my daughter did this? One, he can’t stay over every night if it bothers her roommate. The beauty of a college experience is that you have 12 - 15 hours of classes, and you have a lot of flexibility with scheduling “leisure activities”. Two, if you do sleep over, switch between her and his room. Three, if the relationship is clearly stable, getting towards end of the school year, consider renting off-campus together.</p>

<p>The third thing we did senior year, and just like any other two roommates, we both had to sign the lease. That is, if anything happened to our relationship, we’d have the standard 30 days notice, and split remaining costs even if one person moved out. We should have done the same thing junior year, but it was too late to figure out our options.</p>

<p>One other note - I do know a few people who got married during college, and moved into the married dorms. I don’t know one of them who had a child in college though (I had a few in grad school). It is possible, if their relationship is still good as of housing picks next year, it should be on the table. Also for FA reasons, if they matter to either of the parties involved. We had decided not to marry during college although it was discussed in detail within a few weeks of moving in together. Neither had any religious reasons to marry, so it let us decide it was not a good time for us to marry.</p>

102

<p>When I say being all in, I mean that one stops focusing on their independent, individual pursuits! Going to events, joining clubs, mingling with different kinds of interesting people, exploring, tasting, seeing, absorbing all that college & the world has to offer! </p>

<p>It becomes what your SO is thinking, doing, feeling, wanting…your schedule revolves around his, if he wants to go to the dorm and “relax”, when you should be going to a game with friends, or a masters tea, or cultivating relationships with roommates etc, you are hold up(sp?) with him in a horizontal position. Living together or not. It can be stifling & stunt growth in many cases. Romance takes up too much space in a young persons life with a tight schedule in my opinion. College days should be about being selfish and not giving away too much of oneself. </p>

<p>I’m sure that many people have found love at 18-19, settled down and lived happily ever after, but wonder if those same people would recommend it to their own children. </p>

103

<p>Uh, no. Do you honestly think most women, either 30 years ago when I met my SO, or now, will have their schedule revolving around “their man”? Preposterous.</p>

<p>In our case - we were both in Greek organizations. His was low-key, mine was high-key, and I was asked to leave. Not because I was living with someone, but because my engineering schedule was too heavy and I wanted to miss some meetings and events to study. Zero tolerance. His frat didn’t care if he missed meetings, as long as he had a good reason, and he is still involved with them as an alumni.</p>

<p>I also belonged to an ethnic club, and was involved with my major a lot, since it was rather small. He worked a work-study job, and later I got a work study job too.</p>

<p>Would I recommend what we did to our kids? Well, I would say not to be closed minded to it. It is an option, and the key factors are: not getting knocked up in college (chalk one up for same-sex couples) and not having your SO affect your schoolwork negatively. We certainly didn’t plan to live together when we first laid eyes on each other, but were living together within a very short time.</p>

<p>The roommate part is non-negotiable though. You talk to your roommate about whether they have other options, and if they don’t, you don’t live together with your BF (or GF) in a double (or larger). Obviously money and flexibility help, but if those did not work out for us, we would not have lived together on campus.</p>

<p>I think my parents really “got” that we were serious when on break we spent as much time as possible, basically not the actual holiday but every other day, together. And he drove a few hours to see me each time.</p>

<p>As for “playing house”, when we moved together to where he got a job, which was 10 hours away from a great job op for me, that’s when it really sank in, that we were living together and running a house (small apartment!) together. And our parents weren’t paying any more.</p>

104

<p>I think NewHavenCTmom makes a good point, but it applies to both men and women–a really absorbing relationship can (in my opinion) detract from the discovery process that should happen freshman year. You also see this sometimes when kids carry over a relationship from high school. Certainly there are plenty of exceptions, but it’s something to consider.</p>

<p>I may have missed this, but is the boyfriend a freshman also? That can be relevant in terms of whether she’s missing out on what a freshman ought to be experiencing.</p>

105

<p>Yes, boyfriend is a freshman as well. Our DD and her BF also had 2 matching courses out of their 4 courses taken in term 1. DD says this helped a lot in studying together. Not sure about the chicken or the egg situation here. Which came first we’ll probably never know.</p>

106

<p>But living together makes it less likely that both parties will be spending extra time on cultivating the relationship! If you are heavy dating, let’s say several times per week, and perhaps in some sort of maybe yes maybe no each night phase, that is WAY more distracting. To me, expectations change if you are together a lot, you don’t have to “date” and “impress” the same way. It is completely fine to just go to sleep LOL.</p>

<p>Again, that’s difficult with a roommate present, bad for the roommate and more stressful if two people are living together but there is a third person around regularly.</p>

<p>Someone can be in a controlling/stifling relationship without living together.</p>

107

<p>Living together or not. Too stifling to be hip locked at 18-19. </p>

108

<p>@rhandco‌ , Just saw something you posted earlier caught my eye : </p>

<p>“Oh, and my parent’s response to me living with someone part of sophomore year? “It’s good you found someone to protect you”. They were afraid of the parties and the stories of what happens on campus, and felt that living with a guy was better than not”</p>

<p>As a father of two daughters who firmly believe in male-female equality in all aspects of life, I would be hate to find myself thinking this way. Females on campus should not need live-in boyfriends to ensure their safety and well-being. Boyfriends should not need to be acquired to mark a college going female ‘taken’ and hence beyond reach for other males. </p>

<p>No offense intended to you and your parents in my comment above. We are all different people. I am just adding this comment here to help explain why we feel the way we feel about this situation. Many thanks for your valuable comments. It is always most important to try and see all sides of a discussion. </p>

109

<p>@SadParent1‌ </p>

<p>I felt the same about that comment. Aren’t women who are married/in relationships raped, mugged, violated in some way?</p>

110

<p>And when I read the comment, my thought was, “How do they know that he’s not the person she needs protecting from?” One of the first signs of an abuser is someone who wants an immediate commitment and moves way too fast. (Yes, I know it’s not the only sign, and that not every relationship that moves quickly is with an abuser. My DH and I were engaged after 3 months, but we were both 25 at the time. We’ve been married for more than 30 years. But it’s something I’d be concerned about.)</p>

111

<p>In my (humble) opinion, freshman year is mainly for doing things in groups, and forming ties with a lot of different people. Possibly these two are doing this, both together and apart–but it’s something I’d be asking my kid about.</p>

112

<p>Not sure the age of many people postin, but I think most of you are really overthinking this. In my experience, most “live in” situations are not two hopelessly in love young adults who spend every waking moment together. Maybe this was the case years ago, but in my experiences, the couples who ‘live together’ are not caught up in each other’s lives and prevent the other from exploring or discovering. I’ve found it to be more often than not open relationships where the majority of the time spent together is at night.</p>

113

<p>Oh good grief. Please stop generalizing, NewHavenCTMom. </p>

<p>People are individuals. I am an extreme introvert and homebody. My now-fiance helped me break out of my shell despite the fact that we were joined at the hip. Before him, I went home almost every weekend because I didn’t want to stay up there. After we started dating, I suddenly had access to a wide array of friends. He was the lead in plays, active in many clubs, etc. He encouraged me to get out and explore. Because of that, I can now do it on my own but I needed someone to help me break out. </p>

<p>People are different now. Relationships are different now. Most people have relationships and are still fully able to explore all sides of college. Hell, I know a LOT of people marrying their SOs that they lived with in college and most of them were extremely involved. In many ways, I was just the odd one out being the introvert. </p>

<p>ETA: I would also add that my fiance (then-bf) is the one who encouraged me to go to grad school, was there for me every night when I came home from the DV shelter where I worked and needed a shoulder to cry on, etc. He is the one who made me believe that I could go for a PhD. Both of our grades went up after we started dating. Most of you know that I am stubborn and set in my ways but I am also a huge self-doubter (hence applying to 10 master’s programs… even though I ultimately was accepted to all of them.) Did I <em>need</em> a SO in my life? No. Did it make for a far more enriching life? Absolutely. And considering that we have 14 people in our wedding party (most being college friends), our social lives must not have suffered too much. </p>

114

<p>@Smithg1227‌ </p>

<p>I mean no disrespect…but when you have birthed a few kids, raised them from day one, dealt with all that life has to throw ones way, had thousands of experiences ranging from good, bad with many ugly ones peppered throughout, that’s when you can chime in about parenting and the effects of young love.</p>

<p>It’s easy to sit and discuss how to easy it is to prepare Thanksgiving dinner when you have only done the shopping/the cooking hasn’t begun!</p>

115

<p>

Well, people are different from each other, but I don’t think they’ve changed all that much over time. The daily newspaper teaches me that, sadly.</p>

<p>Some of us are pointing out problems that MIGHT result from moving in together as first-semester freshmen, based on things we’ve seen. If these problems didn’t happen to you, or to your kids, more power to you. But I think it’s reasonable for a parent to have some serious conversations about this with a new college student.</p>

<p>Note for discussions: if you are criticizing somebody for making assumptions, don’t respond by just making the opposite assumptions.</p>

116

<p>@NewHavenCTmom aren’t you kind of proving my point here? As an 18 year old, I’m perfectly willing to agree that I haven’t experienced nearly as much as you and obviously don’t know much about parenting. That being said, that has nothing to do with the subject at hand and shows the level of disconnect between past generations and the current generation. In all honesty, OP’s D is probably involved in an open, non committed relationship and this thread had just blown it out of proportion.</p>

117

<p>I’m not making opposite assumptions. I’m saying that you should evaluate each individual situation separately and not paint with a broad brush. </p>

<p>With that, I’m out. Going to enjoy my day with my partner, parents, and in-laws. Merry Christmas Eve to all who celebrate. </p>

118

<p>@SadParent1‌, I absolutely agree with all that you have posted. No it’s not the norm to be all or none.
I have 3 kids; my two daughters, have had similar roommate nightmares with the boyfriends staying, eating the roommates’ foods, drinking in an underage room, etc.</p>

<p>Dd 1, just got fed up and got to the point of making sure the whole dorm knew that she had an 8 am class by setting alarms all over the room at 6 am, and playing music and tv really loudly ("Mom, it “helps” me “wake” up)</p>

<p>This went on for about a week and the boyfriend tried to confront our obnoxious dd sayIng that she was rude. DD told him in no uncertain terms that since her parents (we) were paying her for her room portion, that she expected reimbursement of local hotel fees per every night that he stayed. And she printed out a list of dates that he stayed over and told him that “I am keeping a record-just in case I decide to sue you and ‘roommate’ at a later date for exhaustion”. Problem solved. Boyfriend stopped coming to room and Roommate requested room change.</p>

<p>DD2- our Younger daughter and her good friend moved in with two new roommates last year into a type of condo suite. Dd2 had heard roommate issues of dd1 and did not want problems, so she moved into this situation. It turns out DD’s best friend moved in the boyfriend, into her room, up above my DD’s room. Dd2 was so traumatized by the “noises” that she called us immediately while the act was occurring. </p>

<p>This dd2 doesn’t have the nerve of dd1 and didn’t say anything, to our amazement! Straw broke, when the boyfriend and his friends, who were ruling the roost with beer parties at the suite, ate a casserole another roommate had made and left a beer mess. The cops were called, and our 19 yr old snuck out with roommate#3 in pjs through a back window. The other two roommates were cited for underage drinking.</p>

<p>So, I know this doesn’t really help, but maybe if your DD is reading this, she will get that she’s being really inconsiderate to not only her roommate, but also to both of you, who, by law, don’t need to pay jack for anything for her anymore. If she wants to pull the adult card-“my life” bull, then she better be ready for you pulling the plug on the cash flow. </p>

<p>As an adult, she will have to learn to deal with any health issues resulting from her escapades. I worked at a reproductive women’s health clinic in grad school; unfortunately, she’ll be hitting those side effects soon if she didn’t get the HPV injections. Sorry Sad Dad. TMI.</p>