<p>collegeshopping, we operate like your family (albeit we are a much smaller family!) I am FB friends with my parents who are also FB friends with my daughter. And several of her friends have friended me (I let them ask and then accept; I don’t make the request). At first I was very hesitant to post anything on her page but she says she is fine with it and I will often post a link with an article I think she will like. Its like the way my parents, in-laws, and grandmother always sent me clippings back in the day. </p>
<p>My D is still at home but I know I will especially treasure this way of staying connected once she is off at college. It works for us. YMMV.</p>
<p>My D set up a facebook page for me when she left for college last year. Frankly, it was a little too much info for me and we had two fights when I saw what she posted. Now, she has me blocked from a bunch of things but I can still write on her wall (although I see limited things) and can message her. Last year, I knew that she had a required but silly class every Wednesday evening and it was a good time to facebook chat with her. This year, I noticed that she has somehow worked it out that I can’t initiate a chat with her although she can with me. So I think that the privacy settings are a great idea. My 22 year old S, on the other hand, just refused to accept me; he doesn’t use FB much and would rather just talk.</p>
<p>I also don’t see it as a trust issue, but rather one of staying connected, but perhaps those two things are on some kind of twisted continuum. My D friend me some time around her senior year, and after she went to college,and for me it’s use started “morphing” a little. I recall becoming concerned about how much time she seemed to be spending on facebook, and I seem to recall she was getting lots of comments about it on her wall, as was I in real life. I posted about it a few times, which was NOT okay with her. It turns out she was having a tough time getting adjusted to being 3000 miles away. It eventually worked itself out, but not before she changed her privacy settings, and I think that was for the best. I rarely go on anymore, although that could be because she was home for the summer.</p>
<p>My son, a high school junior, did not friend me, and I a, okay with that ( although I DID take advantage of a FB policy change that let me look at his wall, when he placed an open invite to his 16 birthday with our home address). I agree with the notion that I don’t want to see what his friends write. I can see the pictures ( not sure he knows that!), and that’s cool with me.</p>
<p>At this stage of my FB experience, I can’t imagine friending my kids friends, although some have friended me, as have many of their parents ( and I can see PLENTY from just that…)</p>
<p>I think friending your dad is the way to go, but limit the settings. I don’t know that he needs to hear about your hurt feelings, but talking about the settings might be a useful way to do that. Otherwise, he may not need to hear about the settings either.</p>
<p>I wonder if “friending” is in the dictionary yet? It keeps getting underlined as misspelled on my spell check.</p>
<p>Sometimes I get tired of this “age old” problem and the resulting comments. :)</p>
<p>This type of thing is an individual choice for you and your family. If you feel strongly one way, then that is the decision you make to not “friend” or to “friend” with conditions. </p>
<p>No one needs to “understand” why we friend or don’t - if it works for you, good. </p>
<p>OP, sounds like you are not wanting to friend your dad. Your choices are 1) talk to your dad and discuss why or why not you want to do this. 2) accept or accept with privacy settings up 3) don’t accept. If Dad asks why you don’t accept, explain why plain and simple. And then be sure to keep in touch with him other ways - phone, text- whatever so he feels somewhat satisfied with having contact with you.</p>
<p>OK - maybe not a trust issue, but more of a helicopter or apron-strings issue. OP’s touching base by phone etc. once or twice a day seems more than average to begin with.</p>
<p>I’ll reiterate - if the dad doesn’t hang out with OP’s friends there’s no reason he should be a FB friend. I think that limiting via privacy settings is a cop-out. There are lots of other ways to keep in touch. And I do agree with other posters to let him know in an appropriate manner. Cut those strings!</p>
<p>My kids have not friended me, which is fine with me. My facebook is very limited & used for my non-profit. I have not been upset or hurt, but did invite them to “friend me” if they wanted to. :)</p>
<p>My niece did friend me, which surprised me. I don’t interact much on facebook in any case.</p>
<p>“OP’s touching base by phone etc. once or twice a day seems more than average to begin with.”</p>
<p>I sort of agree on this, but it’s only the first week of school so…
The original question was…</p>
<p>"parents- what is your main motivation in friending your kid& how would you feel if you were rejected/unfriended?
please be honest.</p>
<p>because from our point of view, it looks like you guys don’t trust us"</p>
<p>So my answer is , it’s potentially a “new” way of connecting, and not necessarily about trust. When you say “we”, I wonder if that is really the consensus. And speaking of “we”, I think at this point in the FB game/etiquette, “we” shouldn’t think twice about those who choose not to “friend” us.</p>
<p>I also do not see it as a trust issue. For me it’s a matter of staying connected. Skype, texting, and phone calls are NOT the same as being able to see their status or pictures. Of course, mine are older and they friended me, not the other way around. My mother has FB and we are friends. She is not trying to check up on me. Almost all the grandchildren friended her too. She is very excited to be able to see what they are doing and pictures without being intrusive. They have pretty much forgotten that grandma is on.</p>
<p>OP: You won’t understand the feeling your parents have until you have kids of your own who have gone away to college. They aren’t trying to control your life, just to stay part of it.</p>
<p>If you don’t want to friend your dad, it isn’t something you can just ignore…like requests you get from friends of friends you never heard of. You will see him (I assume) and he deserves an explanation. Most likely he just would like to think as you are becoming an adult, he could develop a more adult friendship with you and stay connected. I joined Facebook when my teens were joining, so I could understand them and make sure they weren’t being stupid online…but then it became a great way to reconnect with my old college friends and work colleagues, and relatives I rarely see. My time on facebook now is barely focussed on what my teens are doing and more what my friends are doing. If your dad wanted to friend you, it’s also possible he just did “friend finder” and if you were just on his email list.</p>
<p>DD originally got FB when still in HS, in fact I think she was still a sophomore.</p>
<p>I got on FB specifically to monitor her usage, and we all agreed that was appropriate. Since then I have used it for other purposes, to reconnect with my old friends. She has found many other ways to communicate with her friends when she wants privacy. She still uses FB a lot though, and both her mom and I are her FB friends. Its a convenient way to share photos and videos, and yes, it gives us one more window into her life - stuff she isn’t interested in hiding (or why put it on FB) but might not think to mention to us. </p>
<p>Since she will be leaving for Israel next week, this will one more way to keep in touch.</p>
<p>I am friends with both of my kids. Do not post on their walls, I text them instead ;)</p>
<p>My kids are not in college yet (junior high and high school). So for me it is not about staying in touch but it is a venue of having some inside into the live of their communities.
I don’t check their walls often, actually, very seldom, but I like having that option.
Part of parental control and protection I guess.</p>
<p>In the beginning a couple of my kids resisted - but they all caved. I do have one child who forbids me from posting anything on her wall. When I did she blocked me. I learned. It’s okay and doesn’t bother me at all.
Once the ‘novelty’ wore off it was okay. My kids are all friends with me, friends with their aunts and uncles and friends with cousins. I am friends with my nieces and nephews, some are grown, some in college some in high school or middle school. I am friends with quite a few of my kids friends and some of my extended family is friends of my kids’ friends. Yes they have all met.<br>
It’s all good. My family loves facebook and it’s a way for us - who are spread out from Maine to Florida and in between - to all keep in touch. My parents have 17 grandchildren between the ages of 30 and 5. We use the messaging a lot - it’s better than email. Kids these days don’t use email - haha.</p>
<p>I was mildly surprised when my daughter accepted my FB friend-request. I certainly never even thought about being her friend when she was on MySpace. I’m not sure what even prompted me to ask her this time around. She actually doesn’t write that much on Facebook, so I really don’t see anything “juicy”. I think she does most of her communicating via text on her cell phone, or maybe through FB chat. A few of her friends have requested me, which is rather flattering if I do say so myself! But, I try not to comment *too *much on their posts. ;)</p>
<p>hey-
thank you for all of your answers!!
but my parents have a history of mistrusting me, so it was kind of the last straw& i guess i overreacted.
no, they know i wouldn’t do drugs, drown myself in alcohol, etc.; it’s just that they have the hardest time letting go of me.
as much as i detest having to use this verb, they “baby” me to no end.
for instance-
this summer, they didn’t even want me to volunteer at a place about an hour’s drive away because they thought it’d be too dangerous on the roads or something- when i live in a place so suburban that the most exciting restaurant around is probably the local cheesecake factory.
and- true story- they discouraged me from using the library in hs b/c they thought i’d get kidnapped. </p>
<p>i guess i’ll just add him& play around w/ my privacy settings, because while i’d feel terrible for hurting his feelings,(however, i too have serious doubts that his motives are 100% out of affection) and at the same time, knowing him, he’ll get upset that his daughter was in the library until 1 in the morning and, gasp, had to walk to her dorm by herself. </p>
<p>i think i’ll have to give it more time to completely get over my annoyance though
i’m trying hard to figure out why i’m so miffed about a matter that, looking at it objectively, is really quite a trivial matter.
at least i have a good understanding of the situation in my head :P</p>
<p>I’m guessing that he doesn’t want to keep tabs on you, but keep in touch with you. He loves you and misses you. If he friends you on fb, he can at least see that you’re active and have friends, without having to call you all the time and mess in your life.</p>
<p>Can you friend him and then hide some of your more private stuff?</p>
<p>I also recommend mentioning it to your father–but for a different reason.</p>
<p>This summer, I received a request to “friend” someone I knew slightly (the mother of my son’s teammate) on a site similar to Facebook. We have each other’s email addresses because I was the team mom. I responded by writing an email explaining that I would be happy to be her friend, but that I’ve chosen not to use similar social media as I spend too much time on the computer already. Several weeks later she wrote back to say that the friend request was actually spam sent to everyone on her email list. I still received two more requests from the fake site, as there was nothing she could do to stop it!</p>
<p>I don’t expect my kids to accept me as a friend. I think you are correct–your parents shouldn’t be pestering you about it. Just tell them firmly but nicely that you are entitled to your privacy.</p>
<p>I told my dad I wouldn’t friend him if he ever made one. I was only half kidding but then he get my cousin to make him one. But it’s okay because my dad barely knows how to turn on the computer, let alone go on FB and actually type.</p>
<p>I set up a FB and 3 of my 4 friended me, as did some nieces and nephews. My rule is that the younger generation has to request, I do not request them. Now my brothers and sister and I use it to keep up with photos and family events. I don’t even pay that much attention to the kids’ pages. It’s nice to send them FB messages, though. They read those more often than email. I will occasionally “like” something they have posted, but I do not usually write on their walls. I like to stay connected. Not snoop. I know that DD has pictures I don’t see. She told me.</p>
<p>Heck, my kids both sent me a friend request when they went to college. They sent one to their dad too. I think it would have been rather insulting to not accept it. I’m not a big Facebook fan, but I like to see pictures they post and pictures they’re tagged in. Their dad is very active on Facebook and they all exchange funny videos and stuff like that. Actually Facebok is how they communicate with their dad completely. Me, I still prefer email for that.</p>
I was only half kidding but then he get my cousin to make him one. But it’s okay because my dad barely knows how to turn on the computer, let alone go on FB and actually type.</p>