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FB is useless for “spying on your kid” purposes, unless the kid is totally clueless.
Most parents who are friends with their kids on FB just enjoy seeing the “status” updates and pictures posted by others that they would not get to see otherwise.</p>
<p>I would be disappointed to be rejected, mostly because I expect them to be smart enough to know that anything they don’t want ME to see should not be out on the internet in the first place.</p>
<p>I don’t see this as a trust issue and I think the nicest and most diplomatic solution is to fiddle with the settings so that your parents don’t see everything. My sister-in-law is friends with all her kids and I’m jealous. Because of her settings and her kids settings I can see a lot of photos of what they are up to, and I see their comments on her status updates. It’s nice to get a little clue as to what they are all up to. </p>
<p>I can’t speak for all parents, but I certainly don’t need to know everything my kids are up to, I just like to feel a bit more connected than I am. (My older son isn’t on facebook at all.) My younger son is friends with way too many chatty high schoolers whose posts I definitely don’t need to see, but I do enjoy the photos and videos (which he occasionally shows me.)</p>
<p>My S friended me; I like seeing his posts, he is very witty and I’ve seen some great pictures of him with his friends.</p>
<p>I only post on my own wall a few times a year. I don’t make posts on his wall. I will occasionally comment on something or ‘like’ something. I know my place ;)</p>
<p>If I need to contact him, I can email or text him.</p>
<p>My D is the one who suggested I get facebook in the first place, as another way to stay connected, particularly to see photos. She then sent me a friend request. Since then, some of her close friends whom I know, and boyfriend, friended me too. (lol, I had to make sure her BF wasn’t making a mistake before I accepted). I thought it was very nice. I never comment on their walls, unless it’s birthday wishes or congratulations or the like, and occasionally use the “like” button for a great photo or link when it’s something more general or something with which I might be related, for example an activity I was present at as well or a travel location in common.
Never would I request friendship of any of her other friends who I know. </p>
<p>I agree with others that I think that just talking to him, and privacy settings are the way to go. Dad may really not have ulterior motives to do with trust…just wants to feel more connected and “present” in your new life. For some parents, the leaving the nest thing does take more time to come to terms with.</p>
<p>OP - Don’t be offended. Many of my friends do FB with their kids and are shocked that I do nto. </p>
<p>My kids prefer their privacy. Just as I would not have wanted my friends listening in on phone conversations, I understand why my kids don’t want me on FB. I’d like to be… especially for son going off to college. But it’s their decision.</p>
<p>Both of my kids friended me on FB. Like many other parents, I do not post on their walls. They like to take pictures from my wall. And on occasion, I send them a private reminder that they need to take something off of their walls. I also get a few lines in with my daughter every week or so on the instant message feature.</p>
<p>The first time I wrote on my S’s wall a few year’s ago, I was not only unfriended but blocked!
Two years later-- no biggie-- couldn’t care less.</p>
<p>D and I have an on-again off-again FB relationship…I don’t appreciate her preachy tone on how I use my FB page and often unfriend her! </p>
<p>The whole thing is entirely comical.</p>
<p>There is no privacy-- if you are on FB, it is what it is. Read Zuckerman’s views on privacy-- it’s an outdated concept as far as he’s concerned and I actually agree. </p>
<p>If you have to communicate or learn about your child’s life from FB, the problem is much bigger than being slighted about a friend request, you need to ask why you are not talking with you family member in a healthy and normal way. But that’s been said above multiple times</p>
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<p>I’ll reiterate that not everyone uses FB only to talk to friends. My son’s Facebook friends include not only his friends but also former teachers, cousins, three of his four grandparents, all of his Aunts and Uncles, friends of mine (he friended them) and so on. I’ve never sent a friend request to any of my son’s friends but I’ve recieved many from his friends and I accept them.</p>
<p>I have no doubt that there is more to my son’s life than he chooses to share on his FB page but I also think it’s great that he has such an easy way to stay in touch with so many people that love him and that he loves.</p>
<p>“you need to ask why you are not talking with you family member in a healthy and normal way.”</p>
<p>I bet that’s what some people say about socializing on collegeconfidential!</p>
<p>I showed my son how to set up FB privacy settings early on. We’re FB friends, but I’m pretty sure I only see a fraction of what goes on (including tagged photos). That’s fine with me. He’s so busy, and not at all good about staying in touch by phone, that an occasional comment from him on a mutual friend’s wall may be the only news I hear from him in a few weeks. I stalked him relentlessly (but quietly) for the first semester, until I felt assured that he was happy and coping ok with college life. But he’d made it clear that wall posts from mom were not ok, so I respected that boundary and I keep my comments and “likes” to a bare minimum. I actually comment quite a bit more on many of his old high school friends’ walls than on his! I’ve never added any of his college or high school friends; if they’re on my friend list, it’s because they added me.</p>
<p>I think that for some of us, it’s just a way to ease the transition a little bit. We used to see and hear practically everything that went on in your lives. Then one day, you go away, and suddenly… nothing. FB is (or can be) a passive way to know that you’re still there and you’re doing ok.</p>
<p>We both joined FB at the same time. Now I have two FB accounts and a few communities of my own online. It’s a nice way to keep in touch with folks and share common interests, and it passes the time a little bit too. :)</p>
<p>I think he misses you and just wants to see you in your new environment.</p>
<p>When my older daughter went off to Australia for study abroad, she created another FB that’s PG for her famil. It was nice to see her posting of new friends, college, travel…</p>
<p>I am not friends with our two kids on their real FB acounts.</p>
<p>Hmmm, our friends and kids are all connected. My kids nagged me to get a facebook page up and going and when I discovered so many of our friends had them I never gave it a thought that we adults and all our kids who grew up together would be connected. The kids (all of ours) are spread all over the country and world these days. Never once gave it a thought. I also get requests from friends of my kids. Maybe we just don’t have many secrets and enjoy seeing pictures? </p>
<p>OP you need to make your own decision, but as a parent I’d feel bad if one of the kids ignored my friend request. I’d probably wonder what was going on that they were being so secretive about. If you are open and if you don’t post nasty stuff up, then what’s the problem sharing your facebook page with your dad? Set up your privacy in a way you’re comfortable with. You can remove tags if friends put up pictures you’re not comfortable with your parents seeing. If you’re not comfortable with your parents seeing those pics, then they probably shouldn’t be on FB.</p>
<p>I’m not my son’s FB friend, and that’s fine. He needs some space. (He is still in high school.) I’m only on FB because, interestingly enough, it was and is the only way I can be in touch with one of my nephews who is the same age. I have a very small number of FB friends - I do use it to chat with a couple of them (WHich led to a very funny point at which I was chatting with a friend and his wife who were using computers in different rooms.)
Some kids I know friend parents, others don’t. I think it is okay either way, as long as you have talked to your kid about privacy and virus issues.</p>
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<p>It probably <em>isn’t</em> a good idea to walk home alone at 1 am and definitely not a good idea to post about your plans to do so.</p>
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<p>I would be concerned for that reason as well if I was your parent. If hundreds of your “closest” friends can see whatever is on there, and show it to whomever they please, exactly what kind of privacy do you think you have in the first place?</p>
<p>Although we are a very close family, I would never consider being facebook friends with our kids. It’s important for them to have their own lives, just like we did at that age.</p>
<p>S friended me, D refused. She had to friend my wife as a condition for getting an account.</p>
<p>I have drilled into my kids’ heads since they were old enough to get on the internet that they should never ever ever ever post anything that is attached to their name, unless they are willing for the whole world to see it. That stuff they post can affect job prospects, etc. So I feel no need to spy on them.</p>
<p>OP- if don’t want to friend your dad, don’t! Tell him you only use that to talk with your friends, and offer some other form of regular communication like chats. A 10 minute chat is way more satisfying than the occasional line on your wall, anyway.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’m on facebook, not because of my kids, but because I am. My husband recently joined, mostly to find old high school friends. However, we are FB friends with all of our kids. It would be weird if I wasn’t friends with my own kids, since some of their close friends friend me. We have a lot of mutual friends for a variety of reasons and it’s nice that we can all see photos of major events, etc. For a while, my daughter had a privacy setting, then she finally lifted it – she’d just forgotten it was there and was unsure if I’d be intrusive when I first got on. My husband and I have a general rule not to write on certain of our kids’ walls, because we know it would annoy them. Recently, one of my kids wrote something on my wall that bothered me and when I e-mailed him about it, he deleted it immediately because I think he realized how much it would have bothered him if I had done that to him. So it takes a little bit of navigating. My kids are friends with their aunts, grandmother and other adults who are our FB friends as well.</p>
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Back when we were kids, there was no Facebook, but our parents did know who we hung out with, where we went, and what we did. The only way our friends could reach us was through the home phone. FB is today’s method of communication and if a child is a minor, it is a parents job to monitor for safety. </p>
<p>If the child is an adult, then I don’t see how allowing a parent to see what they are up to is not allowing them to have our own lives. If our children are sharing anyway, then seeing their pictures and their postings is not infringing on their privacy. I don’t understand the concept of letting hundreds of their closest friends know what they are up to, but not their parents.</p>
<p>Our son friended me on Facebook and even set his mom up with a FB account a few weeks before leaving for college, specifically so that she could keep in touch with him that way. I “like” posts or links of his occasionally, and sometimes make a comment when it seems appropriate to do so. I think I’m pretty good at knowing my place. (Once I made a positive comment about a group picture of him and some friends, and he posted “DAD! STOP EMBARRASSING ME ON FACEBOOK!”…with a big-grin smiley after it to show he was kidding.) He’s friends with lots of our adult friends anyway, so I’d be seeing a lot of his stuff either way.</p>
<p>However, I would never have friended him. It had to be his initiative. To friend someone is a bit like asking someone out on a date; you’re forcing them to accept you or snub you. To do this to a fellow adult is fine, but to your teenage kid? It feels wrong to me–not morally wrong, but wrong like an off-key note. At this age, we need to let them take the lead in defining the boundaries and intersections between their relationship with us and the rest of their life.</p>
<p>At least that’s how it looks to me. I agree with whoever said that every family is different, and what seem like common-sense rules in ours might be completely irrelevant in somebody else’s.</p>
<p>If you don’t want to make a big huge deal of the situation, why don’t you friend him, but set up a very limited profile for some friends where they cannot see your wall, photos, etc and make him a very limited friend?</p>
<p>My kids all have a limited friend set of profiles which they use for coaches, profs, etc, adults who they want to friend, but who don’t need to see all the daily details of their full FB page. I am a limited friend to all my kids for the purpose of making sure that nothing undesirable goes onto the limited profile (posts or photos by friends usually) but have discovered that I like seeing their profile updates and knowing a bit about what’s up in their lives when they are traveling and too busy to call or email</p>