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<p>I agree. And I can not imagine that their independent lives that are so personal will be on facebook. Facebook is public. I am facebook friends with my kids so I can enjoy pictures of their celebrations, trips and special occasions while they are not living with me. </p>
<p>Folks who put too much personal info or feelings on FB are foolish.</p>
<p>“I just think they deserve an independent life among their friends where I don’t listen in.”</p>
<p>I agree. They’re not ten anymore!</p>
<p>I doubt my kids put anything too personal on their FB walls. As I said, with my younger D, who is now 21 and out of college for over a year, I can see that she has 1,431 friends. These include former professors and even employers. So, I really don’t think she posts anything that I could not see. But I just feel that they deserve to chat among their “friend” groups where their mom is not eavesdropping, even though nothing they would post would be inappropriate for my viewing eyes at all. It is more like just letting them have that independence and truthfully, I have so many other methods to share and communicate with them, why do I need yet another form? I can see photos of their trips as they send them to me! D2 takes no photos. However, she just sent me a link to a photo shoot by a professional of something she was involved in. Other D has traveled extensively and regularly and has shared every single photo with us. Again, it just isn’t over FB. Just like sharing their “news” with us happens every 2-3 days regularly and doesn’t have to be on FB and in fact, is much more personalized and detailed than they would write on FB I am SURE! They both tell us stuff that they would never post on FB.</p>
<p>I am fortunate that my daughter asked to friend me on FB when she was a jr in HS. Initially when I got a facebook, my college son wasn’t ready to friend me, but at some point last year when he was home, he did.</p>
<p>If my kids hadn’t initiated the friend request, I DEFINITELY would NOT have: it sets the parents up for disappointment if the kid turns them down; your motives for asking to friend them will always be questioned.</p>
<p>Some of my kids’ friends and my nieces have friend requested me. Again, my rule is the same - I would not initiate the request.</p>
<p>Can you talk with your Dad & say that right now you’re not ready to be fb friends with him, but maybe at some later point you will feel differently. Right now you need your independence. Hopefully he will understand & respect that.</p>
<p>Also, even though I do look at their walls, I never post things that I think they might be embarassed about. (I’ll email my daughter first if it’s ok to post something. The last think I want to do is say something that I think is funny/cute, but isn’t. I know that was my son’s concern about friending me - because one of his friend’s mother is always positng really embarassing comments. For example, she commented on a photo of her son & a girl (they weren’t dating) Don’t you two make a cute couple. What the mother was thinking, I can’t even imagine!! LOL</p>
<p>All of my kids friended me on FB. If a kid is uncomfortable doing this, then s/he is too immature to have a FB account.</p>
<p>Wow, that’s a pretty black/white statement.</p>
<p>My kids are so savvy about settings what’s the dif if they “invite” me or not?
If I don’t trust them, will being friends on FB change that?
I trust them; they are of an age when their private lives should be respected. There is no dichotomy here.</p>
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I agree that there is no right way or wrong way. Those that don’t want to friend their kids is okay by me. I was just responding to those that claim it’s being intrusive or infringing on their privacy to be friends with their kids on Facebook. I still don’t see how it’s intruding on their privacy if almost the whole world can see and they AGREE to it by accepting (or in most cases initiating) the friendship.</p>
<p>Simply put: you said it was like listening in on a private phone call and I disagreed.</p>
<p>All my kids have friended me. I got on in the first place to see their photos when living abroad, and when they’re too busy to get in contact another way, I very much appreciate the opportunity to see a bit of what they’re doing. I’ve told them that I won’t post on their pages, or embarrass them with friends by making my presence evident. It’s the electronic age, and I get the smallest detail of the lives of co workers on facebook. Why not my own kids? </p>
<p>So, the rules, as I have made them for myself, are to not comment, even when I don’t approve, and if I can’t handle what I see on there, I should not be privy to that level of information about their lives. I did break that rule once, after some personal soul searching, by challenging one D privately on something I thought was publicly inconsiderate. She de friended me, for a week or so. </p>
<p>To the OP, can your dad agree to not comment or censure you for what is on facebook?</p>
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<p>Wow. Immature? My kids got FB when they entered college (it was not available to high school students when they were in HS). I got FB in the final semester of D1’s senior year at college and in the second semester of D2’s junior year at college. I have never asked to friend them and they haven’t asked to friend me and the topic has never arisen. I never said they were uncomfortable friending me, but simply they haven’t and I never asked them about that as I saw no need to be FB friends when we communicate so frequently other ways. I always thought FB was for the college kids (they were on it way before me) and while it has expanded to include anyone, it started for my kids as being just for those in college and so in my mind, it has that context. I came onto the FB scene much later than they did. </p>
<p>But to call those kids who are not FB friends with their parents “immature” is a bit much. You also assume they are uncomfortable but they may not be uncomfortable but just never chose to be FB pals when they have phone and email to communicate with mom and dad! But I have to tell you that people who know my two kids, often praise how mature they are for their age. I had a kid go off to college at age 16. Both my kids work professionally. One of my kids was by far the youngest in her graduate school. Both of my kids’ friends are OLDER than themselves. They have NO friends younger than themselves. Both are leaders of people older than themselves as well. Funny, but just a couple of days ago, my younger one, 21, read me a recommendation she got for something and it is written by a Broadway director and in one line he wrote how she as “21 going on 45.” 
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<p>But I guess you want to call those who happen to not have chosen to use FB for communications with their parents but use email and phone regularly and much more personally “immature.”</p>
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<p>I did say that initially but since you made a good point that a private phone call was between two people, I went on to clarify that I thought it was like my eavesdropping on discussions they were having with their friends. It isn’t the “news” aspect, as I get their news from them directly and in much more detail and personalized and beyond what they post on FB, but it is more my listening into what they said to so and so and what so and so said back. Do I need to see that? Not really. I don’t want them to see my wall either for that reason.</p>
<p>I guess since I don’t want my kids to see my wall, I am also immature!! :p</p>
<p>great lakes mom, if using FB allows you to find out your kids’ happenings, that’s great! Truly! </p>
<p>Every family is different and in my family, I find out everything going on in their lives, but it is by phone. So, the bottom line is that our kids and your kids share with their parents. Mine share much more fully with us than they do on facebook to a wide audience. That’s why I don’t need to see their FB wall as I get so much from our regular calls and emails that is far more detailed than FB.</p>
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<p>I have the same perspective- while I do have young adults my kids age on my FB list, they are there through groups or interests they share with me, which my kids do not- " their primary relationship" with me- is I am their parent, perhaps when they are in their 30’s or 40’s, we will have a different relationship, but I never forget I am their mom- I don’t need to feel like we are pals.</p>
<p>A large part of reaching adulthood in this culture is becoming independent from your parents, while I know that many people remain close to their parents, or * regain closeness*, I also feel that the separation could be inhibited for young adults who are always aware that their parents are reading everything they post.
Either that or they switch to myspace.
;)</p>
<p>Here’s a situation. When we visit D2 in NYC, we stay in her apartment on a sleep sofa. She has three apartment mates (two guys and another girl, none are her BF, and all are older than herself). While we are visiting, we all sit around and chat. Everyone is comfortable. But, I imagine that the chat is slightly different than the chats they have when nobody’s parent is visiting.</p>
<p>My kids forbade me to go on Facebook. Finally so many of my friend were on, they relented with the understanding that we would not be “friends.” I felt fine about it because I know they write silly things not meant for grown-up viewing.</p>
<p>Wow it’s so interesting to see the different dynamics related to social networking. Facebook is like dinner or bonfire conversation…some parents have no family dinners or bonfires and conversation with multiple generations, others have limited interaction on a social levels and others have their kids interwined with their social generational lives like a dinner table or bonfire…so many differences. Intersting dialogue. I guess in our family we’ve never differentiated between grown-up and child conversation…it’s just all conversation whether in person or on-line. THeir lives are not our lives and our lives are not their lives but the common bond is that we are connected by viture of our families and our friends. Right or wrong it is what it is in our family and extends from face to face to social networking.</p>
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<p>I am FB friends with my kids, but I no more get the real scoop on their lives there than I do from anyone else on FB because that’s not where people do that - at least not on status updates. I learn what’s really going on other ways as well, but I see photos from trips they take, pictures of their pets, etc. on FB. I know they would never take the time to individually e-mail me photos, etc. I think it’s a way of streamlining certain information into one place. I think the main reason they are friends with me is so they can tag photos and have family stuff on their pages. It’s the convenience factor.</p>
<p>I not only friended my two sons (Freshmen in college and HS) but over 50% of my ‘friends’ are actually THEIR friends. We post on each others walls. They trust that I will not be overly involved in their business and freak out about what I see. I trust that they will remove anything that is seriously personal or inappropriate.</p>
<p>FB is all about being public and privacy is an afterthought. Parents have RESPONSIBILITY and a RIGHT to know what their kid (high school and under) is doing online. As long as they are paying for the computer, internet, and electricity then they have the right to be involved in the kids activities. Luckily this wasn’t an issue for my kids and they welcomed my involvement. But if I had kids who did not then I would not hesitate to remind them that I was doing my job and if they didn’t like it they can take control of the situation when they are paying for it themselves.</p>
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<p>denise…how old are your kids? When I got on FB, my kids were near the end of their junior (age 19) and senior (age 21) years of college and are now working. You say you would remind the kids you were doing your job by knowing what they are doing online. Well, when my kids were 12, I agree. I don’t agree given my kids are now 24 and 21 1/2. I do not have to supervise their time online or anything else in their life. Currently, my kids are paying for internet and electricity themselves. They did not pay for their computers.</p>
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<p>I truly understand how that is a nice benefit and easy to do via Facebook. My youngest daughter never uses her camera. She recently spent two weeks in Europe and refused to take her camera. When she is sent photo shoots of certain shows or things, she sends me the links. My other daughter is well traveled and sends us her entire set of vacation photos. I don’t even know that she posts these to Facebook anyway. She may not, in fact. So, I don’t need FB for this. I would not really see anything I don’t already see when it comes to photos. For D2, if others send her photos, she has shared those when we have been together and I can view that photo gallery on her computer. They are not her own personal photos though.</p>
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<p>If the child is under 18, this is correct. Parents who are afraid to do this may be setting up their kids and themselves for trouble, since parents are legally responsible for their childrens’ actions (such as libel and slander).</p>
<p>One hundred!</p>