<p>denise, do you think that parents of kids who are 18 and over (college age and over) should monitor their kids’ online activities?</p>
<p>My kids are 28&20, if they were 10 yrs younger I’m sure I would feel differently. However, while I never post anything untoward on FB myself & all my friends are also as circumspect, my kids already think I am a little strange , I don’t need FB to remove all doubt.</p>
<p>I did put the high school and under disclaimer in my post. My son just started college but we’ve been FB for almost two years. Same with younger son who just started HS.</p>
<p>If you haven’t friended your child by the time they hit college then, no, you don’t have the right to expect them to share their FB existence with you. But if you have done so prior to their entrance to college and built up MUTUAL trust, respect, and BOUNDARIES then they have no reason to hide their activities on FB or elsewhere.</p>
<p>Do I see things that make me cringe, yes. Do I remember what it’s like to be that age, yes. Do I judge what I’m seeing? Yes, but only to the point that they’ve posted something too personal or harmful to them now or in the future. Anything less is pretty much off limits. I’m a very liberal person so they understand if it offends me then they’ve pretty much crossed the line. If I explain my reasoning they usually see my point but I leave it up to them to address the situation.</p>
<p>I understand college is different but if my kid is 23 and doesn’t see an oncoming train I’m not going to pass on warning them because they are adults and should know better.</p>
<p>One more thing. School administrations, law enforcement agencies, and even private companies (such as employers) are increasingly using FB and other social media as an investigation tool. Why would they have the right to ‘monitor’ YOUR children (adult or otherwise) and you not?</p>
<p>I know I am not comfortable with the idea of those people or agencies knowing something harmful about my kids that I don’t.</p>
<p>Denise…please understand that just because our adult children did not “friend” us, doesn’t mean they are hiding anything!! I sure know my kids are NOT hiding anything. I know much more about their lives than they post on FB!! </p>
<p>But they are adults. I do not feel I should monitor their adult conversations. I guarantee you that I approve of whatever they have on FB. I have NO concerns about their activity there. I know my kids very well. They are FB friends with professionals, not just college students. In fact, I recall once or twice during college when the kids were home and used my computer, I saw their walls in my “history” and nothing on their walls are anything bad or anything I didn’t know about. Simply, I don’t think I need to monitor their online conversations with friends. </p>
<p>Of course even if one’s kid is 23, we don’t stop advising them. I advise my kids all the time. But I don’t monitor their daily lives. I communicate with them through other means such as phone, email, and Skype. I don’t need to see their FB page to know their lives and happenings as they share it already and in much greater depth with me. I am not the least bit concerned that there is an oncoming train wreck on their FB walls. My kids work in a professional capacity and are praised for their professionalism. I suppose if a parent had cause for concern, it might be different.</p>
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<p>Do they friend your kid or use other means to follow the kid?</p>
<p>To OP, it’s not an issue of trust, it’s all about caring. However, why does a parent want to be among the friends of his own kid (all of them are kids also)? Let the kid go. </p>
<p>Today’s privacy is not your old-fashioned privacy, parents. Before long everyone could be wide open, down to your DNA. Do kids drink at college? Does someone go after them?</p>
<p>Denise, I do understand that you are coming from a different perspective because until now, you have not had children living independently from you outside your home. We are in a different place. Soon, you will be too. All this changes a lot when your kids are independent adults, which your oldest is now becoming. </p>
<p>As I said, FB was not an option before my kids hit college as it was only available for college students at the time. Even after they joined in college, I did not for a few more years as I thought of it as being just for kids (which for a while, it was). </p>
<p>When my kids were young, sure, I monitored their lives. For example, when my D was ten and using email, I had her password. Once, a boy from her out of state summer program sent an email that had a pornographic picture that appeared right in the body of the email as it was opened. I luckily caught it and deleted it before she saw it. My husband called the boy’s parents (we had met them at the summer program but they lived in another state) and informed them of what their son had done. Of course the boy claims his older brothers did it. Right. So, believe me, we always supervised our kids prior to the college years. But once in college? No. We don’t supervise or monitor them. We do advise them, however.</p>
<p>soozievt,
Being my kids’ friend on FB has nothing to do with “monitoring” them. FB is just another communication tool - it is a way to keep in touch.</p>
<p>It is an adult child’s prerogative to friend his/her parents or not, but if my kids did not want to be my friend when they have 1,000+ FB friends (which for all intents and purposes means their page is public), I’d wonder why. My question would not be “what are they hiding?,” but what is it about our relationship that makes them want to keep me out? </p>
<p>My kids friended me, their aunts and uncles and even their grandmother.</p>
<p>Sooz, I understand your point. My point is FB is not a private place. This is not their diary. They have forfeited the right to complete privacy every time they sign in (just ask the FB founder) and thus if it’s in the public domain then parents have the right to view just as anyone else has. I guess with my kids there has been so little resistance that I don’t quite understand why this is even an issue. </p>
<p>I don’t foresee my kids changing their mind on this issue because we’ve established the trust and boundaries I’ve spoken of. They know I will not ‘spy’ on them or be overly judgmental of their activities and I know that they will say and do stupid ***** that will make me wince.</p>
<p>FWIW, my younger son (the HSer) was less comfortable with this than my college student. He was in middle school and sort of immature for his age and it took him awhile to get used to the idea. He used to get mad when I posted ‘good job’ or something on his wall. But then he started posting on mine when I talked about him. I realized then he was fine with my presence. I don’t stalk him or anything. I’ve asked him to remove a rap song which I felt it was inappropriate. I guess for rap it was tame but I felt it was not in his best interest. He removed it. I asked him to ease off the bad language. He’s ignored that request. But his wall (as are his friends) is filled with teenagers cussing like sailors so I choose to overlook that issue.</p>
<p>Bay, same with my kids. They friended Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents, and my friends as well.</p>
<p>Lake, I’m not sure how it’s done. Probably overtly and covertly. Do a Google search of FBI and FB, or private companies and FB, or schools and FB. Many of these kids do not have their privacy settings set correctly so EVERYTHING they post is online. Sometimes it might be a friend of a friend of a friend who sees something and next thing you know there is trouble when your (generally speaking, not actually yours) kid thought because you had not seen it they were in the clear.</p>
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<p>I agree it has nothing to do with monitoring them, Bay. I was responding to Denise who discussed monitoring the kids on FB. </p>
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<p>I don’t know that they want to keep me out. They were on FB way before I was. I’m not worried about our relationship because honestly my girls share everything with me and in fact, I don’t think they share to that level on FB. I’m not missing anything by not reading it. But I don’t feel like them seeing my own conversations with my own friends. I don’t see why I need to listen in on theirs. We are very close and enjoy very open relationships. My kids call very frequently and share a great deal. I would learn nothing new by reading their walls except who happened to post on their walls. I don’t even know that they use it that much. They both lead extremely busy lives. </p>
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<p>I never said my kids were resistant. We NEVER discussed the topic of being friends on FB. I also don’t NEED to be friends on FB in order to share and communicate with them. I have three other methods already. I didn’t friend them as I don’t have a need for a way to communicate and don’t need to see their conversations with their FB friends. You say it is a way to “keep in touch” but I already do keep in touch a LOT and in much more depth than FB allows.</p>
<p>My kids are not FB friends with grandparents. My parents have died and were never on FB. Unfortunately, my mom did not even use email with the kids. My in-laws use email and Skype but not FB. My D who does take pictures sends them to her grandparents to their digital photo frame thingy. </p>
<p>Ya see, you can be very close with your kids or grandkids through many other forms of communication. I agree I would question things if the kids never called or used email! I just don’t need more than three modes of communication with them! </p>
<p>I have no problem if others opt to use FB as one of their means of communication with their kids at all! </p>
<p>We are truly talking about various modes of communication. The problem would be if one did not have communications regularly with their kids. I do, and so I have no problem with it.</p>
<p>By the way, I can view D2’s “friend” list. For example, several people who employ her are FB friends. I know she conducts herself professionally on FB. I know someone who is the head of a college program who just contacted her to hire her (D did not apply for anything) and I see he, too, is a FB friend on her list.</p>
<p>Sooz, I also have no reason to expect or suspect that my kids are going to be a train wreck on FB or in life. That is not why I am on their FB friend list. Rather, they want to share with me a piece of their lives which they wish to share with the world.</p>
<p>I don’t know. I had a HORRIBLE relationship with my parents so I understand how and why kids would not want their parents anywhere near FB. My Mom couldn’t handle the openness and deleted her account because, as a control freak, it frustrated her too much. I also understand why kids who have great relationships with their parents may not want them there either. It’s just been my experience that kids with the great relationships with their parents more often than not extends to FB. No matter what their age.</p>
<p>Everyone needs to decide what they are comfortable with as a family when it comes to this issue. What we decided works for us. BTW, my husband is NOT on FB and I suspect neither of my kids would want to be his friend if he was. Not because they don’t love him but because they don’t have the same type of relationship with him that they do with me. He’s way more conservative than I and would be like my Mother.</p>
<p>My kids never send photos to us in links or emails. They use FB as a means to communicate with basically everyone in their network.</p>
<p>The good news is that there is a method for everyone to share photographs that is easy - the bad news is that they still have to go to some effort to put them in cyberspace! FB is the easiest way for my kids, and putting them on that site means they don’t have to do it again on another site to share with mom and dad and grandpa and aunties. </p>
<p>When one S was overseas this summer, he downloaded his photos of his trip there and his friends and family made comments on the pics. Over the course of the summer, two of his college buddies asked me to be their friend. I would never have initiated that, and am careful to respect the boundaries of these relationships.</p>
<p>I have 21 and 16 year old girls. I have told them that they don’t have to be FB friends with adults. They’ve had few relatives asking to be friends with them and I’ve had to tell our relatives nicely not to request it.</p>
<p>I have talked to the girls about what to post and what not to post on their FB. Once or twice I’ve accidentally got on their FB (borrowing their laptop), even with my 21 year old daughter in a sorority I didn’t see anything earth shattering. </p>
<p>I will search for my kids’ name on the internet, or look them up on FB to make sure I couldn’t see anything. There was one time I was able to view both of their FB because FB changed their privacy setting where if you had mutual friends then you could view each other’s FB. I told them right away and they re-set their privacy.</p>
<p>I’m sure the kids aren’t hiding anything, and if it was something really dangerous to them they were posting, the other child would tell me.</p>
<p>We are a close, loving family.</p>
<p>I totally understood my kids’ need to have something private, that is just theirs. It’s a move toward independence on their parts, and they are 21 and 23.2</p>
<p>They are very savvy. There is not on anything on their pages to give anyone pause, but they still blocked all but “friends” from everything (even first page profile) when job hunting.</p>
<p>My D is in law school and she told me not to allow my students (I’m a college teacher) to “friend” me while they were still at the school. She understands the legal ramifications better than I. What do I know? I’m a poet.</p>
<p>I do not criticize any family that makes a different decision, but I reiterate that I am not perturbed, upset, or hurt by my kids’ decisions at all.</p>
<p>And my DS showed me the South Park like icon his GF created for his picture because he was proud of it.</p>
<p>Each step in privacy, autonomy, etc I cheerfully encourage and allow paradoxically brings my adult children closer to me. Respecting their boundaries is a big part of maintaining intimate relationships with adult children.</p>
<p>Now, if great lakes mom, who is always so wise, communicates with her kids on facebook that’s cool too, because her kids don’t mind. Mine do.</p>
<p>Forgot to mention, my kids are both performers. I tape almost everything they do. I then post clips for family and friends who are out of town or were unable to attend. I tag the ones related to them. My kids have now gotten to the point where if I haven’t uploaded something and tagged them within a few days they are COMPLAINING and want me to get on the ball. I do this on YouTube as well for those who do not have FB accounts.</p>
<p>My kids enjoy the feedback (good and bad) they get from friends and others but would not be so bold to post all their clips on their own pages. They feel they are getting something back from me besides being ‘monitored.’</p>
<p>oldfort, yes, when FB made that change with the privacy setting and I could briefly see one of my D’s walls and then she must have learned of that setting and changed it to the way it was meant to be. There was nothing on the wall I don’t already know. </p>
<p>denise, I truly don’t see the fact as to whether one is on FB with their kids as indicative of their relationship. I am super close with both my daughters who truly tell me everything. Being on FB would not give me any additional access to them, or keep me more in touch. One D doesn’t even take photos. The other sends me all her trip photos and I don’t know that she takes many other than for trips (she travels a lot). </p>
<p>By the way, my daughter is also a performer (professionally now). Not only have I seen every performance, but most college and professional shows do not permit video (we have tons of videos that predate that of course). My daughter has a website. We have filmed most of the videos of her that are either on her website or are on YouTube. I have access to every video that exists of hers. </p>
<p>Prior to college, all of our daughter’s shows, which we burn to DVDs were always sent to every relative. There are less DVDs now due to restrictions put on filming. When we have been permitted to film, we burn DVDs of these shows to send to relatives and cast members who request them. My husband is even the one who makes many CD copies (my D is in a show in NYC this week and her group will be selling CDs at it that my husband made and just shipped her). My D just told me a few minutes ago on the phone about a music video she will be filming and that will be on YouTube and likely her website (I do not need access to her FB account to see any of these things). She is recording a CD of original music in a recording studio. She has a music site on MySpace as well that I have seen. We are the ones who own or help make many of the videos for her. </p>
<p>We have never posted any videos of our D on YouTube that are prior to college. The YouTube phenomenom was nonexistent when she was in high school. Now, as a professional, she would not like videos of her performances prior to college posted and we have respected that wish even though we have hundreds of samples. My D has been in the performing arts since she was a tot. She now earns a living in the field. She is 21.</p>
<p>Interesting articles related to the topic.</p>
<p><a href=“Reuters | Breaking International News & Views”>Reuters | Breaking International News & Views;
<p>[Teens</a> on Facebook GOL (grumble out loud) as mothers become friends - Los Angeles Times](<a href=“http://articles.latimes.com/2010/aug/27/business/la-fi-facebook-teens-20100825]Teens”>Teens on Facebook GOL (grumble out loud) as mothers become friends)</p>