parents, how would you feel if your kid rejected your friend request?

Parent Cafe
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<p>The issue with Natalie is that she was on a supposedly supervised trip. There should not have been opportunity for her to leave the hotel and go out at night and for someone to not know she never went to bed in the hotel that night. So, my point is that even with supervision, bad things happen. </p>

<p>But she was in high school. Once in college, and beyond, kids travel without supervision. They do lots and lots without supervision and monitoring. They are independent. If they are independent in their living, so too they are independent online at that age. </p>

<p>Experts say that monitoring online activity is important for parents of minors. I agree. </p>

<p>But you have been saying that parents should (even if not their “right”) do it for those who are over 18 and in college and living independently. And you go on to further state that parents don’t stop being parents when their kids turn 18 and go to college. I certainly agree that parents don’t stop being parents when their kids leave for college!!! Parents still play an active role in their kids’ lives. I know I do! But the role is DIFFERENT. Once in college and beyond, I no longer supervise or monitor their activities and who they talk to and so forth. What I do is to stay in very frequent touch and know about what’s going on in their lives and give helpful advice and guidance as necessary or as asked. That is very different than monitoring them. I’m still their parent, but i no longer have rules for them or supervise them. I parent them as young adults who live independently and guide them on their journey and support them in their endeavors and am there for them as needed. We are close. I’m still their parent. I still can convey advice. They don’t HAVE to follow it. And they don’t HAVE to tell me every move they make, everything they have on their FB page, what they do online or in life, who they talk to and what was said. I know a GREAT deal about my kids lives. But they also have independence when it comes to decisions and what they do, who they associate with, and what is shared or not. I understand as a parent of kids who have not yet lived independently, you have not yet shifted to this NEW parenting role. But it will evolve for you.</p>

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<p>“DADDY, okay”. </p>

<p>Has anyone seen that commercial? Starts off with the 6 year old in the drivers seat, finishes with her 16? I love the little girls inflection. A little frustrated, then gentle with him. She SO gets it.</p>

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<p>That little girl is adorable and does such a great job with just the right tone.</p>

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<p>Sooz, my role might evolve but my interest in my kids will not. My primary involvement with them online is not to monitor but to share. I don’t spy or lurk on their pages. I’m a participant. Again, what other parents do is their business. I have not been saying parents need to monitor their kids FB in college. I’m saying that a child still needs parental guidance about many things while still in college. FB could be one of those things if they are not mature or responsible enough and are posting things which could harm their future.</p>

<p>I don’t know many parents, college or otherwise, who are asked to be their child’s friends who refuse. Thus, I’m of the belief that its something that parents would choose to be a part of if both parties decide it’s beneficial. Likewise, I have yet to hear of family therapists or counselor’s studies which advise against it due to violation of the a college kid’s maturity, privacy, or independence.</p>

<p>It’s been a nice conversation but I feel we are going in circles. Continued good luck to you and your daughter(s).</p>

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<p>denise, I very much agree that parents’ interest in their kids never changes when they walk out the door to leave to live on their own after high school ends. My kids are my world and so much a part of my life and my interest is very deep in their lives. Sharing is so important and I am so grateful that I have two daughters who share everything with me. I’m into sharing with them as young adults, but not into monitoring them. I did monitor them completely before they left home. They have not lived at home since they started college and likely never will again. Sharing and being involved in our kids’ lives is not the same issue, however, as monitoring or supervising. The role shifts when they are on their own. But the involvement never ends. </p>

<p>I agree about sharing online. I do my shares with them online through emails, and then by phone. I have no problem if others pick FB as the way to share with their kids. I do not believe in my case I am missing anything as we share through other modes, that’s all. YOU brought up monitoring. And that is the only issue I think where our points of view differ. That role, for me, did end when they started independent lives. My role n now is sharing and advising and supporting, but no longer supervising or monitoring. I agree totally with you that college aged kids need parental guidance. I am still giving guidance to my kids and both are out of undergraduate school! So, we agree. But FB has nothing to do with being able to share or offer guidance to my kids. </p>

<p>FB is only ONE mode of communication. I share deeply and sometimes every day and sometimes every other day or something of that sort with my kids. It goes way more in depth than what is likely on their FB walls. I am missing NO news of theirs whatsoever, by not reading FB. I know of every event and important thing in their lives, their friends, their jobs, their goals, their plans, etc. The only thing I would not see on FB that I already know about, is what someone else left on their walls. And I don’t have a need to know what friend said what to my kid. I do not believe my kids spend time chatting much on FB. Both have extremely full schedules and use email a great deal. Perhaps I should be allowed to see their email too? I don’t feel a need to see who said what to whom. I do have a need for my kids to share with me what is going on in their daily lives and they update me every day or every other day or every three days (depends what’s happening) and that is plenty. I am not privy to every conversation they have. I am privy to what they are doing day to day. </p>

<p>I understand if you are concerned that a college kid is not mature or responsible enough to post on FB in appropriate ways which may be harmful to their future. But we all know our own kids. That is not an issue with my kids and so I have NO concerns. My kids happen to be of the highly responsible variety. They are high achieving types who have held jobs in their field from a young age, and act professionally in these situations and online. I suppose if one has a kid who they are concerned about, it might be different. I have no concerns about my kids’ maturity or responsibility. People have hired my kids for jobs and accepted them into programs at a much younger age than is typical. This is because they function beyond their years. As I said, one of my kids entered college at age 16. One was the youngest in her graduate school by far. My younger one, for example, at age 18 (which for her was summer after soph year in college), was a professional staff member in a responsible position for pre-college kids age 17. Her position was one normally held by much older people with degrees. She was just hired in a staff role at a prestigious college program and she is only 21. A Tony nominated Broadway playwright/director/composer, hired my D at age 18 to be the musical director in NYC of a premier of her new work. I mention these things because programs and people have selected them for positions or programs not typically for someone their age, and where a high level of responsibility came with it. In fact, these administrators and employers and professionals are FB friends with my kids. Do you really think my kids are behaving inappropriately on FB when professionals whom they work with are also their FB friends? I don’t think so. They are not stupid. They didn’t get where they were today by being immature and irresponsible. I know some kids this age are and parents may have to hold the reins tighter but some kids are very mature and responsible for their age and do not need that level of oversight. All kids are different.</p>

<p>While I guide my adult children, they make their own decisions. I know you posted on another thread that you also have a child who is majoring in theater but that you required him to double major. That’s fine. For me, my daughter has a BFA in musical theater / drama, but I would never tell her what to major in or that she had to double major. The decisions of all that were her own and our role was to support her decision and we did fully. So, I see the role of parents of adult children as a guide and support system but not as one that oversees what they do anymore or tells them what they must do.</p>

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<p>Please try to remember that not all kids asked parents to be FB friends and not all parents tried to friend their kids. I joined FB several years after my kids did and I have not noticed a friend request and did not make one of them. I didn’t need to. It is not like anyone on either side asked. The subject has NEVER come up! It is not like one side or the other refused, as was brought up in a post. I think the subject doesn’t come up in our family because we have several other modes of sharing, keeping in touch, and communicating and do so frequently. Not sure why we need five ways!</p>

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<p>Having been on CC for over 8 years, I observe that the parents of college boys often remark that they wish their sons would be more in touch or share more or more frequently. Denise, you have a son entering college this year and so I wish for you that he indeed shares a lot and often. I find this thread to be ironic in a way because there seems to be some insinuation that parents who are not FB friends with their young adult children are somehow not too connected or don’t share much. Now, just today, I have spoken by phone with D in Switzerland and I know every plan for her day tomorrow as she is moving to France tomorrow and she is calling upon arrival. Other D and I have spoken twice by phone today. She just told me the umpteen things she has on tap tomorrow and some details of her performance tomorrow night. This is a typical day for me with my kids. I can’t imagine the idea that by not being on FB that some think that is not really sharing or keeping in touch with the kids. I think some parents of college boys, in particular, only wish they had this much contact and knowledge of their kids’ lives. Maybe they NEED Facebook to see what’s happening with their sons as their sons don’t discuss every little thing with mom as some daughters do. Just a thought.</p>

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<p>I’ve seem some hilarious college theme-party pics on my Ds FB pages - so glad got to vicariously share in the merriment!</p>

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<p>"I think some parents of college boys, in particular, only wish they had this much contact and knowledge of their kids’ lives. Maybe they NEED Facebook to see what’s happening with their sons as their sons don’t discuss every little thing with mom as some daughters do. Just a thought. "</p>

<p>I think this is very possible. My college student son never has enjoyed talking on the phone nor has he been good at it. It’s’ difficult for him to think about what to say to anyone, even to me, despite our being able to have very interesting, in depth personal conversations when we are together. </p>

<p>Facebook allows us to chat, a medium that’s easy for him to use. In addition, he posts pictures and videos of things that he’s doing such as scenes that he has directed in his theater classes.</p>

<p>Unlike what’s the case with many of my women friends, S doesn’t post emotion filled updates about every bump in the road. He always has been one to think over challenges carefully and then to try to solve them himself, something that he tends to be very good at.</p>

<p>I have college student female friends – whom I know through my theater activities – who frequently post updates that indicate that something horrible has happened to them. They do this over things that are truly trivial. I don’t know if they are FB friends with their moms, but if so, I imagine that their updates are driving their poor moms crazy especially since the girls tend to post things like “My world is completely falling apart” and then much later – in response to friends’ questions – reveal that they are having something like a bad hair day.</p>

<p>Interestingly, when my older S was in college, that was before FB, and by his choice, he’d call or e-mail a couple of times a day. I think he’d call when he was bored and walking to class. He’d talk in depth about his work on the school newspaper, and other interesting things in his life. He’d even talk about his classes.</p>

<p>However, it wasn’t until we saw his grades that we learned he literally had flunked 3 of 4 classes he was taking. And it wasn’t until a couple of years later when I accidentally found his blog that I learned he was partying during his academic failure-filed only year of college. Bottom line: just because an offspring calls frequently doesn’t mean that their life is OK.</p>

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<p>NSM…I agree that FB is a medium that may be a great way for kids to share with their parents. I think the bottom line is that there is some mode of sharing. I just don’t think it HAS to be through FB. But FB may very well work best for someone like your S2. </p>

<p>I hear what you are saying about some girls post some sort of emotional status of sorts. That might even get a parent to worry or wonder! My girls are not really that sort. I don’t think they even participate that much on FB in that way. For instance, neither has twitter where a person gives updates all day long. Just not that type. </p>

<p>I also agree that just because a kid calls frequently, it doesn’t mean their life is OK, particularly if they are not revealing what is really going on. Your S1 is a prime example of that! </p>

<p>I think sometimes boys sharing with moms is different than daughters sharing with moms. My kids tend to tell me most things, not just factual happenings. They will write or call for advice on something that they would not want to ask a peer about. My husband will sometimes smile after I’ll tell him that D1 or D2 called to ask my advice on a certain thing, and then he’ll say: “They still need you. I think it is cute.” (i.e., D2 called asking me how to cook something recently almost every five minutes as she was doing it and it was almost too funny!)</p>

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<p>My D. did eventually friend me on facebook, only after she had already friended my sisters, my brother and my mom.</p>

<p>I have a firm policy that I only see the good stuff. If one of her friends posts something off-color or there are 10 pictures of her with a cup in her hand at some party, as far as my D. is concerned, I just didn’t notice it. </p>

<p>I know she must know that I check her facebook all the time, and pore over the albums, etc., but it gives her some breathing room to know that the only things I’ll mention are the pretty earrings and the nice sunsets.</p>

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<p>My Ds roommates and BF also friended me, and it is really great to be able to put faces and personalities with the names when D tells me about her adventures and daily life, as we are on opposite coasts.</p>

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<p>^^^That’s a good point about being able to put faces with names of your child’s friends. </p>

<p>I have been on the same coast as my kids’ colleges and grad school. Fortunately, I have met many of their friends on numerous occasions (we attended lots and lots of our kids’ events they were in during their college and grad years), and have met the boyfriends as well, and all roommates, too. I would say that the only people I can think of that I have been unable to meet is D1’s friends she has who live overseas (she has met people in several countries) and I have only seen their photos through photos albums she shares with me but did not get to meet those friends in person. </p>

<p>Again, there are so many avenues besides FB to share photos and meet their friends in person and so forth. The bottom line is to be able to do that. FB is one neat way to accomplish that but not the only way.</p>

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<p>Yes, she used to put pictures from her trips on flickr or picasa, and send me the link or sometimes a link to a friends album if she didn’t take pictures herself.</p>

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<p>This thread is so ridiculous. It all depends on the relationship you have with your parents and the type of stuff you post (or pictures you let be taken of you). I nagged my parents to add me and don’t filter them. However I also don’t filter work or school contacts.</p>

<p>Simple solution. Add them and create a filter category for them.</p>

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<p>Jandra,</p>

<p>I’m the same. See only the ‘good’ things. Grandma is the one having a hard time with that. My Mom used to go nuts at the cussing, the pictures in drag (Rocky Horror Picture show), the flipping off the camera, the way too affectionate group photos that permeate most teenagers pages. LOL. </p>

<p>She would complain to me and then the kids. I told her to mind her own business that it’s a <em>privilege</em> for her to be their friend not a right and if she was uncomfortable with their pages she should block them. She did but then she couldn’t see what they were doing and that drove her nuts. So she deleted her account. LOL.</p>

<p>One can clearly see why I would NEVER have friended her as a kid.</p>

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<p>Willpower,</p>

<p>that is thinking entirely too practical and mature. :slight_smile: I’m thinking the issues the OP posted about have less to do about FB and more to do with other issues in the relationship otherwise this would have been option number 1 with less drama.</p>

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<p>That’s a good point Bay had about putting names to faces. Although I know all of my kids’ good friends, even though they are all grown up, they still run into people I don’t know, or know only briefly. And now that they have been out of high school for so long, it’s also nice to see how the kids who we used to know have changed. </p>

<p>Also, although my kids would share the pictures they take, I can also see pictures other people take by being on FB. I still say as long as my kids don’t care, why shouldn’t I be there?</p>

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<p>3bm, I agree, if your kids don’t care that you are FB friends and it works for you, nothing wrong with it!</p>

<p>Some care about being FB friends with their kids and vice versa and like doing it. Others don’t really care about it at all. Some others really don’t want to do it. </p>

<p>I think the bottom line is that parents and their kids are in touch and share and by whatever means works for them.</p>

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<p>Great point of the pictures other people take and put on FB.</p>

<p>I’m thinking of all of the great pictures I would not have seen posted by my son’s friends on his or their pages. Those pictures helped me put together something special for his graduation. It also helped me decide on who to take his graduation photos. A friend of his had been taking his picture for four years. She does beautiful work because she knows him so well. They turned out to be some of the best photos he’s taken and she did it for next to nothing even though I wanted to pay her big moolah.</p>

<p>I literally have hundreds of picture taken by his friends that I would not have had access to. This alone makes FB worthwhile for me. I hope my younger son finds some photographer friends in HS too. :)</p>