<p>Why are so many so afraid to parent?</p>
<p>I’ve been following this thread with interest. I think there’re 2 kinds of parents, those who have or had an unmotivated/lazy teen, and those who don’t. Those who don’t have such teens think that it’s likely ADD/ADHD, LD etc. Those who do have such teens know that some (like mine) just need their butts kicked.</p>
<p>I know many talk about natural consequences. But sometimes, the consequences are too hard on me. Say I close my watchful eye and let my teen do as he wishes. He’d fail, and need to attend summer school. We live in a rural area. Who do you think will have to drive him to summer school? (he’s not driving age.)</p>
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<p>Parenting FAIL.</p>
<p>I wish I could tell you a way to turn this around, but it sounds like the parents are basically training the kid to be a failure.</p>
<p>Hmm try talking to him about other things (since you have so much time) and build a closer bond that way and once you have that, then try talking to him about these sensitive issues like college, grades etc.</p>
<p>People who never went to college and have no idea of the process, or even those who went 30 years ago when things were much different, casually think you can be “smart” and win acceptance to MIT, Harvard, or one of those other schools everyone has heard of. These parents obviously haven’t a clue.</p>
<p>This family is headed for disaster.</p>
<p>aj725: “Obviously a D average is good enough for that household – he knows it and will continue to slide by. Things will only change if the parents can see the light and start setting some limits and expectations – i.e. demanding a certain GPA, setting a curfew etc.”</p>
<p>Beat me to it. Any time even a single D becomes “acceptable” in a household is a recipe for disaster. Forget “brilliant” kids–even “ordinary” kids cannot be allowed to bring home a D. There are no excuses. If a grade that bad ever comes, you have to get to the bottom of it immediately. Speak with teacher to see what’s going wrong and get his or her suggestions to fix. No video games until homework is done and verified by mom or dad. No going out til 4am (ever, but I digress). Kids need to know that good grades are expected and demanded, with no excuses. In my house we set the bar very high, the kids know it, and they meet it. They are personally disappointed with a B.</p>
<p>If the kid is into video games, then he probably has a bit of a competitive nature. Why is this not channeled into his grades? Why is he not trying for better grades than his friends? My kids are competitive with games, sports, and grades. They want to beat their friends, and vice versa. That’s a big reason why the all do well in school.</p>
<p>Why worry about this boy getting into college? This kid has a small chance of even surviving HS (and I mean literally, not grades), at this pace. Out until 4:30 am on a school night!? Obviously this kid has no supervision at all. I agree with the posters who suggest that the only possible thing to do is to talk with both parents. Not about the grades needed to get into MIT, but about the various ways their kid will end up dead: hit by a drunk driver, shot by the police, overdosed on drugs, suicide, alcohol poisoning, beaten up in jail or on the street… Or maybe just permanently disabled from walking out in front of a moving car while too high to notice. Tell the parents they are neglecting their kid and creating a disabled monster. Tell them you can’t stand to watch them contribute to the destruction of their own son. Give them some real life examples. Bring them to juvenile hall, or invite a local police officer over and have him explain to the parents and the kid what happens to kids with that kind of history. Maybe the OP can scare the brother and SIL into being real parents. But I doubt it. Surely the OP could see this overindulgence, the lack of real guidance by the parents long before this. This is very very sad. And I don’t believe it has anything to do with the education level of the parents. There are plenty of parents out there who didn’t even graduate from high school who are raising fine upstanding citizens who show respect for their parents, school rules and society rules and do well in school.</p>
<p>It appears that this kid has a different variety of LD–an extreme case of “little darling” syndrome.</p>
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That’s so funny. My Grandmother used to use that expression all the time. “Yep, that one’s headed for reform school,” and my sisters and I knew exactly what she meant…even before we had any literal understanding of what “reform school” was!</p>
<p>Do they still have reform schools anymore? Seems like a good alternative to jail, anyway.</p>
<p>One of these days, there is going to be a big blow-up in the family when the kid finally gets knocked off his pedestal. Until then, I’m not sure there is anything you can do. Try to maintain your relationship with him outside his parents so you can help put back the pieces.</p>
<p>Don’t the parents realize our prisons are full of “smart” people who think they’re above the law? Or who made really dumb decisions?</p>
<p>I guess there are people and situations like this out there–but this seems so extreme all the way around my first thought was “■■■■■” as someone else said earlier on.</p>
<p>I actually think it’s fairly common for parents to avoid the harsh realities regarding their children. Let’s face it, we ALL make excuses for our kids or accept their excuses so we don’t have to deal with problems. The issue is how far do we delude ourselves. Most on this board are likely concerned and responsible parents so they may catch on earlier. But not all are like this. At one extreme end, parents of criminals often insist their child is innocent. And I can tell you how failing school becomes acceptable. I’ve been there before — it can take awhile to catch on. It’s not like the boy started went from straight A to straight Ds. It starts with some C’s, then more C’s then a D. And you think, hey “Now with a D, he’s going to pull his socks up”. Or you accept his excuse: “forgot to turn in an assignment” “was sick during finals” etc. The first D is the hardest. Once you get over that, subsequent ones become easier. Just like the first time my eldest said “I hate you” I was shocked and pained. Now, hey, it’s just another day.</p>
<p>[#16</a> “Gifted” Children Stuff White People Like](<a href=“http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/22/17-gifted-children/]#16”>#16 “Gifted” Children | Stuff White People Like)</p>
<p>Wow, I knew a kid just like the one described by the OP. He grew up to be a heroine dealer and spent 3 years in federal prison. Amazingly enough, he ended up marrying a wealthy woman, lives in a multi-million dollar home and is the epitome of success now. So there is hope for this kid.</p>
<p>curbyourfear: LOL</p>
<p>where is this kid?
Is there anything he is exceptionally good at? sports ( skateboarding), debate ( disagreeing about everything), music (garage band-ing), writing ( can do really funny blog, youtube comments) ?
there are schools that collect lopsided kid, like Bard at Simon’s Rock
<a href=“http://www.simons-rock.edu/[/url]”>http://www.simons-rock.edu/</a>
it didn’t work well for my kid but worth the try.
If he have managed not fail ( Ds aren’t failing, F is, no?) nor need to repeat grade thus far in rather nice school system, he is smart enuff in my standard.
and those well to do high schools are the most boring place to be unless you are sad grade grabber and one upper who only going to good college is the goal of four years suffering and sleep deprivation.
I feel sorry for the kids who does not fit into the mold but no choice other than to attend one and only such local high school.</p>
<p>CC parents are, well, CC parents. There are wide world out there.
there are parents who would be just happy to have their own offsprings healthy with able body parts and OK mind, that itself is gift and the miracle.
if parents are not concerned and able to support their kid into adulthood, I won’t worry about it.
drinking drug rockn’roll, It is better do get out of the system now than die on binge drinking at top 20 schools, no?</p>
<p>so OP, be a friend and do stuff he likes together, not what you think good for him, going to concert or movie or cooking, clothes shopping, they’d talk when you are least expected. Do not miss that cue.
and every time you are concerned about him and feel the need to step in, do not buy that latte or pair of shoes and save money for him without telling anyone, so you can tip in when the need arises.
who knows, it can be a happy occasion, he might want to go to college when he is 25.</p>
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Maybe it’s fear in some cases. Certainly there are some parents who want to be their children’s friend and abdicate the role. Others have issues with conflict, real or anticipated, and stick their heads in the sand…or somewhere else…instead of having the courage to deal with stuff.</p>
<p>More common, I think, are well-intended parents who either give parenting insufficient time/attention…it’s a long, sustained process with very little “time out”…or don’t lead an “examined life” in terms of the process. I tell you, I examined what/how I was doing as a parent <em>far</em> more often than I ever did my performance for any paid job.</p>
<p>We’re often told stuff like “every family has to find its own way.” I get annoyed by this mantra because it’s true only to a point. Some things are simply not workable and designed to contribute to failure, no matter who you are and what your family dynamic is. </p>
<p>In my lifetime, we’ve gone from the nominal one-size-fits-all mythical model of the 1950’s to the “hey, anything goes if it works for you” of the 1960’s and 1970’s, to now just wandering through the dessert and hoping deus ex Oprah will provide the magic formula. (A bit of advice from me: stop expecting magic formulae.)</p>
<p>“deus ex Oprah”–I like!</p>
<p>There’s probably a book on “Parenting for Dummies.”</p>