Parents in denial

Parents Forum
121

<p>I agree with you Mathmom, and with Cardinal Fang. However, the OP has said that the boy is uncommunicative except with his friends, was tested by both learning psychologist and psychiatrist and found to have no underlying condition, and also failed to test into advance classes or to test out of easy (ie. “boring”) classes. </p>

<p>He sounds very much my son who wasn’t interested in anything that required effort. My son would listen to music, but refuses to play any instruments. He watches ball-games on TV but won’t join any team sports. He’ll throw a few hoops at the park every 2 months or so. Anything that needs effort and discipline is OUT.</p>

<p>He also tried to blame his lousy grades on school being boring. Various people had tried heart-to-heart talks WITH him, listen to him (not talk TO him), but he remained laid back and content to stare at ball-games on TV or listen to music. </p>

<p>We tried to motivate him about college, career path, explained why this or that is needed or desirable etc. It took a while to find the right approach. What really worked for us is when I said simply that that jobs are often boring, but it’s how we pay for his room and meals and computer and clothes and cell-phone…And he needed to do his academics like adults need jobs, boring or not. It’s how he was earning his keep. He knows life is much better at home than if he had to support himself on a minimum wage job. So he started getting his schoolwork done, getting B’s and C’s rather than all D’s. But seriously, he isn’t ADD or ADHD or depressed or whatever, he just wasn’t passionate about anything that required discipline. And in his mind, if he can get away with doing nothing, why not? If I won the lottery and didn’t have to work, would I? Probably not. </p>

<p>I tried to see things from HIS viewpoint, and motivated him based on it. It seems that OP’s concern is that the boy’s parents do not have a realistic view of their son’s situation. Also, they are playing the blame game—blaming school and teachers for ‘boring’ work without really seeing the reality.</p>

122

<p>repeat, most normal teens are like that. only there are chosen and few that really really like studying for learning for learning’s sake.
most high achieving kids are doing it for wrong reasons, for parents, to keep their own face, to get into this and that college, the roads are paved in front of them before they are conceived, there is no "maybe "or “but”, you are expected to perform and deliver because of their gene pool, living situation, school they are in it, whatnot whatnot…</p>

<p>yes, there are adult who has no intellectual, or sounds-good passion. in fact most your in-laws and co workers are like that. BUT they do like doing stuff and go extra mile to get what they want, say, cheap toilet paper bulk or this color way of the dress in this size but not that one, pomegranate red velvet cupcake from so and so bakery from across the state if not country, can tell which slab of salmon is farmed not wild, or know everything about some reality show and all of its contestants.
for men, maybe knows which beer is from Germany, Ireland, Holland by one sip, can tell all baseball player’s name by looking at numbers on the uniform for the teams that have no name embroidered on the back (very hard for most people to do, let alone keep watching something so boring, what, 20 or so men try to hit tiny ball with a stick for 4-5 hours to the end) </p>

<p>these are people never cause too big of problems for society, maybe speeding or parking tickets, cheat on tax here there, pocket found ipod without reporting, but basically good people that often have own children and send them to school. feed them, shelter them. It’s OK there is no book in their home, there are tons in kids’ school, library, or neighbors house such like yours. you would be willing to nurture this poor kid and read them picture books when they come to play with your kid, baby or puppy uninvited, right?
these people are called normal folks. Are they succeeded in CC sense? maybe not, some never finished HS, let alone gone to college.
are they exceptionally good at anything? maybe not in CC sense but sure do have “passion” for something.
are they happy and loving their life?
yes, probably more than any of us.</p>

<p>I see kids in subway with thick eyeglasses greasy flaky hair with bad skin condition bloby or scrawny body wrapped in awful color and or design clothing with wrong kind of shoes their backpacks weighing tons with heavy text books and expectation or demand from outer force, never smiling or chatting with comrades, getting off at certain station that super duper elite HS is located.
My kid asked one day, " you wanted me to be like that, so I can get in to Harvard?" I don’t know those kids in person and should never judge people by their appearances, right, but how could you not to?
no, I do not want my kid to be like that. I want him to have friends, to look half decent in the public, get enough sleep, have time to dream and wonder around.
and in the same subway, when pregnant or people with bad leg get on, the ones give up their seats are uptown inner-city youth, not those college students reading big books or guys in business suits with wall street journal who sat obliviously. suppose, these, we are calling success?</p>

123

<p>bears and dogs–you make it sound like there are only 2 choices.</p>

<p>I think anyone who has been blessed with intelligence should use it.</p>

<p>The OP’s nephew has it and is wasting it.</p>

124

<p>bears and dogs - I hope and assume you are generalizing. I will counter by only giving example of what I know - my own kids and maybe some of their friends.</p>

<p>Both of my girls are considered top students at their “elite” high school, taking those nerdy honor courses. D1 is currently working on a pricing model at her internship that uses stock correlation # and means, which I don’t even understand what she is talking about. D2’s favorite activity is reading. Her punishment for getting bad grades (B) is no reading for a period of time.</p>

<p>D1 was voted the best dress girl in her class, she was the chairperson for her HS prom, and will be the chair for her college’s senior week (activities for over 3000 students). D2 writes for her school, in the debate team, and is often the one nominated to speak whenever there is a presentation.</p>

<p>As far as people skills and consideration for other people…I am often told they are lovely to have around, especially by adults. They are very comfortable in speaking with adults and have a large circle of friends. There is nothing awkward about them.</p>

<p>This may look like a brag sheet for my kids, but I think there are a lot of kids (not all on CC) who are just like my kids - smart, responsible, considerate, with a lot of social skills. Those qualities do not necessary preclude each other. At the same time, kids from inner city are not always more considerate or less clueless. </p>

<p>Both of my kids are very happy and well adjusted. They work like dogs, but they have great sense of accomplishment. At the end of day, they feel they have done all they can in trying to achieve their goals, and maybe it’s not Harvard.</p>

125

<p>^^ that is a total brag sheet and I am sorry I don’t believe that. keep on dreaming.
you don’t know what these fabulous kids are dong when you aren’t around, if you tell me they never rolled joint or did some unfitting physical activities with same or opposite sex, they are really really good at putting up good front or very religious.
they are in for surprise if they’d go off to wider world where everyone is equally smart or pretty or whatever, they are just one of tens of thousand.
How they are going to handle that pedestal to mediocre decline is up to their own strength and resiliency, I do hope you have equipped them with enough commonsense.
If she is not aiming nor interested in HYSP whatnot, then better chance she could keep staying at the top of the candy mountain, all the better for you.</p>

<p>I have worked domestic jobs long in all over US and I think I know what I am talking.
you could never ever under or overestimate ANY kids.
good luck</p>

126

<p>I do not know everything about my kids, that includes their sex life. I also know that my kids probably have tried pot, and had alcohol. By having sex with someone they love (like), in my eyes is not unfitting physical activities. We are not religious at all. My kids have never been in a church or temple, except for religious celebration for their friends.</p>

<p>My kids do not need to put up a good front with us. They are great kids, and probably with faults just like other kids. </p>

<p>Actually it wasn’t a brag sheet, if it was it would have been a lot longer. I was trying to be modest. D1 did fall short a bit by going to a lower Ivy.</p>

<p>I know a lot of parents who have raised kids similar to my own, so I also know what I am talking about. Many of them have domestic help, and their kids seem to be ok, not nerdy or spoiled.</p>

127

<p>give them big bonus and health coverage, do not assume they don’t “get” english nor the kid won’t confined with them instead of you in tight time. what were we to do? cover it up, take blame instead, maybe a bit (alot) to get back at you, and because we do care about those we have changed diapers or fed more often than to our own flesh and blood.</p>

128

<p>What in tarnation is that last post/rant about??? :o</p>

129

<p>She was talking about the way to treat domestic help because the workers often have a close bond with the kids.</p>

130

<p>Bears and dogs, many of us don’t know what you’re talking about, and the parts of your posts that ARE coherent, we strongly disagree with.</p>

<p>You are certainly entitled to your opinions, but while you’re busy spewing condemnations about our moral, kind, friendly, high-achieving kids, why don’t you take a bit of time to improve yourself by learning how to communicate your thoughts in simple, clear writing?</p>

131

<p>I will do that now on in the parents turf ow gawd these people…</p>

132

<p>Was that ^ supposed to be an example of improved communication? :rolleyes:</p>

133

<p>Considering the source, I guess that would be a “yes”?</p>

134

<p>I believe English is bears and dogs’ second language. If you disagree with what he/she is saying, that’s fine, but attacking someone for not speaking a second language fluently is low. Personally, I could not type out a single sentence in B&D’s first language (unless it is French, in which case I could manage some mangled sentences about “where is the bakery” or “the bed of my sister’s cat.”)</p>

135

<p>So that’s a defense of incoherence?</p>

136

<p>I disagree that English is likely Bears and Dogs’ 2nd language. If it is, then she must be truly bilingual. She wrote in post #125:
“How they are going to handle that pedestal to mediocre decline is up to their own strength and resiliency, I do hope you have equipped them with enough commonsense.”
That’s better English than I can muster!
However I don’t agree about generalizing kids into the smart and awkward/selfish/socially inedpt ones, and the inner-city/selfless ones.</p>

137

<p>I recognize Asian humor and syntax in bear’s post.</p>

138

<p>Red flags all over the place.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>NOT normal behavior to be out until 4:30 a.m. </p></li>
<li><p>If either of my kids had gotten Ds in High school <em>I</em> would have been all over that high school wanting to know what the problem was. If the school had told me that it was absences/missed assignments, MY KIDS would not have been allowed to go out at all…never mind staying out until early morning. Going out with friends was something that was done in this house once school responsibilities were completed.</p></li>
<li><p>If this kid had excessive unexcused absences, where I live, the parents would be called in for truancy discussions and this might involve a complaint to child protective services if the family was not helpful in helping to solve the problem. It would be a neglect complaint.</p></li>
<li><p>What responsibilities does this student have? It sounds like he is ruling the roost and he has pulled the wool over his parents’ eyes.</p></li>
<li><p>Agreed…the aunt should try to have a candid and honest discussion with this nephew…and take NO B.S. from him. It sounds like he’s feeding everyone else a line. Hopefully this aunt can turn that around.</p></li>
<li><p>Who are this kid’s friends? Is he involved in any EC activities? We found that our kids’ peer groups were very much defined by the EC activities in which they participated. In addition, our kids loved their ECs and the school had academic requirements for participation in them. This kid needs an interest besides hanging out with friends until all hours of the morning. </p></li>
<li><p>Who is DRIVING him around in the wee hours of the morning? When my kids were in nineth grade WE were doing the taxi service and in our house, it didn’t run after midnight in the nineth grade.</p></li>
</ol>

139

<p>

No one attacked B&D for not speaking a second language fluently. We do have a problem with B&D ranting incoherently and insultingly
about our kids in general as if he/she knows them all and is qualified to pass judgment on their morals, truthfulness with parents, and character.</p>

<p>There are plenty of posters on CC for whom English is obviously a second language, and we have little or no trouble understanding them. This is something different altogether.</p>

140

<p>I can’t believe I read all the prior posts in this thread…
No 4:30 is not ok
My brilliant nephew with no LD’s or Add or ADHD blew his IB program with video gaming. It ruined his life and prohibited him from attended anything but community college. He still struggles with interactions with human beings. It is so sad.
His also brilliant sister who we tried to help… basically spit in our face and said she was in total control of her life. Is now on house arrest for dui’s. both these kids were off the charts testing and their parents did not reign them in but backed off to let them “do their own thing” because they are “so smart”.<br>
Something needs to happen to the young man that gives him a wakeup call. Unfortunately, I do not believe you are going to be able to do it without removing him from his parents house and friends. He is not alone in this and has someone that is supporting his behavior.</p>