<p>Thanks, Moda. I think your plan to join a church or community group is a good way to meet new people.</p>
<p>I know that having been a transplant to this city/country I’d have felt socially adrift had I not done a few things out of my comfort zone that, in retrospect, gave me a lifelong group of friends. Eg. I was on the PTSA, which was a PITA, and then on a legislative action committee. Between those two committees, I ended up making friends who form much of my social life now, post-empty-nest ;)</p>
<p>Missy, with those friends, we’re great debaters and learn a lot from each other. With clients/business associates, I will occasionally attempt to introduce new viewpoints to them, but find that many people are quite attached to their surface knowledge and assumptions. Sometimes they’re interested in hearing a different perspective…and sometimes not I get by on humor and foreignness, in general, which somehow makes it easier to get away with an opposing viewpoint, it seems…particularly where ACA is concerned. Sometimes an outsider has a clearer view of the mechanics of an issue. </p>
<p>@Modadunn, I may have written this before, but I have a sage friend who lives in @arabrab’s town. A genuine font of wisdom. He said that for mental health, people need three things: 1) community; 2) meaning; and 3) structure. He said, with none or perhaps one of these three, people are likely to become depressed. People who have a job have structure and maybe community. Some like me get meaning from work. Others don’t. For many SAHMs and SAHDs, community, meaning and structure all derive from the school community (communities). We make tons of friends with other parents, many of which are situational friendships that don’t last after the kids leave the nest. The kids’ school schedule provides the structure. And meaning comes from doing what one can to create great kids. In that circumstance, an empty nest can mean a simultaneous loss of community, meaning and structure. Not good. SAHPs probably should attend to creating all three. </p>
<p>ShawSon wrote a marvelous paper as a freshman. It turns out that by any definition of religiosity and by an definition of happiness, religious people are happier on average. His paper looked at why this was the case. In part, being part of a religious community (if it feels authentic to you) provides community, meaning and structure. Meaning typically follows directly from the religious beliefs. Active religions bring people in to their communities and they provide support – when spouses die, bad things happen, etc. – and rejoicing with good things like weddings. They tend to discourage bad habits like drug use (ignore the Rastafarians for the moment). And they provide structure – for Jews, services on Friday night, Saturday morning, many holidays and for orthodox, blessings before every meal and washing hands and… Similarly for more active Christian denominations – Bible study, services, choir, … . Less so for more liberal versions like Reform Judaism, Unitarianism, or lots of Protestant denominations that have been shrinking for the last 20 years or so. </p>
<p>You can create the same things without organized religion. The Appalachian Mountain Club, environmental groups, human rights groups, community gardens. But religions – especially the more fundamentalist versions – do a sensational job of providing community, meaning and structure.</p>
<p>Shaw I was nodding my head reading your post until I got to the part about the more liberal denominations providing less structure. The church I belong to ( considered liberal, but wide range of beliefs), provides plenty of structure. Sunday services and Sunday school, a regular Wednesday night program, small groups, other regular activities. I think the key is if a particular congregation is very active and involved.
I totally agree that it’s hard to meet people when your kids are older.Out in the burbs where I live much of the activity seems to revolve around the kids and once they are grown people seem to scatter - some retire and move, some disappear into working or hobbies and the sense of community seems to go. </p>
<p>On @missypie 's question, for the most part, people in the US seemed pretty polarized. So much so that they have radically different facts and radically different interpretations of the same facts. So, persuasion based upon logical argument just won’t work. The only routes to persuasion in situations like that are few, but I think analogies can sometimes work. Or, you have to go deep and show the contradiction between their stated values and their political opinions. As someone who is pretty analytical, I find that a high percentage of folks on the left and a really high percentage of folks on the right are not interested in actually understanding things before having or forming their opinions. </p>
<p>FallGirl, good. Generally, the more liberal the denomination, the faster they are losing members. Structure and the community it creates help a lot. But how many people come? If lots, it is working. </p>
<p>Shaw - attendance at the church has tripled in the last dozen or so years. It is a denomination that is known to be losing members , but the individual church is thriving.
Going home today after a nice visit with my parents. Got a chance to see my in laws for a while yesterday, too.
Dad looks great right now but the next few years will not be good. Mom’s memory is going, too.</p>
<p>We had 30 of my sister-in-law’s female friends over at our house for her 50th birthday celebration she asked ShawWife to throw for her. She’s the touchy-feely health coach – not sure what her job is. She does webinars and blogging and coaching on how to have a healthy life, with a focus on mothers/women. Something must be working. The vegetarian diet, yoga, cleanses, … . She was always quite attractive, but at 50, she looks like a very attractive 35 year old (at most). I mostly stayed upstairs and let them have fun. </p>
<p>It hadn’t occurred to me, but I know that some of you are working on the healthier diet/weight loss thing. She focuses on the emotional side of eating (as well as diet/lifestyle/other stuff), which seems like a big part of the issue. Maybe she could be helpful. She works with people over the web and has a big following. PM me if you want to see her website.</p>
<p>So working this weekend. My boss is a total dweeb. I can not wait to retire and get out of this place! I hate to wish away the years but I really hate my job lately! So help me if this doesn’t help get me a better raise this year I will so try to find another job. My old boss just had to do a huge training thing remotely. It FAILED because no one bothered to look to see if there was a PHONE to use for the remote areas. Really? I hope he misses my logistics view point that used to drive him batty now that he has egg on his face. New boss just looses his temper too much. He reminds me of a 2 year old. If he doesn’t get his way he blows up. On Friday I needed to leave at my normal time to get my car looked at again from the accident as there is still an issue with it. He yelled and said that I wasn’t devoted to my job because I had only worked 9 hours that day including rescheduling a lunch that I had planned with friends from work. Yesterday (yes Sat) we had a status meeting and I didn’t say boo to him. He can apologize! He didn’t even bother to ask why I had to leave and just stormed out of my office. I would have come back after the meeting but I was so p***ed off that I just went home. My day starts at 7 in the office. I rarely if ever leave for lunch or take a break and he has the gall to say something like that. I am going to wait for an apology but I doubt it will ever come. He has no life as far as I can tell outside of work – even his fiance of several years works here - I actually have friends and things that I do that have NOTHING (thank goodness) with ANYTHING to do with this place. Looking forward to not working here someday! Maybe I’ll luck out and get a new boss. I hear that there is a reorg in the mix but I wouldn’t be so fortunate!</p>
<p>Time for a new job. Don’t wait for them to give you a raise or not. Don’t stay in a bad place for several years if you don’t have to. Could you transfer within your existing company, RM?</p>
<p>Another thought. Could you address his behavior directly? Say that you want to talk with him regarding your interaction around your need to leave to pick up your car at 5 PM. You want to tell him that you feel his behavior was inappropriate on three levels. The first is substantive: He is wrong to accuse you of not being sufficiently dedicated to your job. On the day that you were talking about, you had rescheduled a lunch and had already worked for 9 hours but that your car, which you need to get to work, was having some problems and you had to pick it up. The second is normative. You don’t feel it is not acceptable to yell at employees the way he did and then stomp out of office. If he disagrees, do a thought experiment with him. “What do you think HR would say about his behavior?” Thirdly, it is ineffective. If there were a way for him to make you and all of the other employees feel less dedicated to the company, behaving like he did would be it.</p>
<p>He’ll probably be mad at you but will hold back on the behavior for at least a while. </p>
<p>Whether or not you talk with him, I would consider having a conversation with the HR folks so that it goes in his record in case he becomes worse or gives you a bad performance review. </p>
<p>I have a really gifted employee who used to leave subordinates, especially admin folks, in tears. I worked with him but he always was trying to rationalize his behavior. We had him read the exit interviews of a couple of folks, which said they like the company but hated working for him. Over time, he has gotten much better.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear that, RM, sounds awful. Do I have this right, this a fairly new job for you? Hopefully this guy will get reorganized out.</p>
<p>D ran her first 5K this AM, finished in the time she was hoping for and ran the whole way. She was never a runner, but has started going to the gym, etc a few months ago. I’ m very proud of her and need to do the same. </p>
<p>Meanwhile I’m at the airport, but happily eating popcorn from Nuts on Clark ( Chicago guilty pleasure).</p>
<p>OMG Shaw, I think I know who you are talking about. if am right she is awesome. I know her roundabout from my health issues.
I was wondering why the blues have managed to manifest themselves so strongly this year and lasting so long. I believe that Moda and Shaw have hit the nail on the head. I love being with my husband and feel fortunate abut this, but have been confused about where to go now. am learning, and despite my worries am looking into school , because I need it, My 76 year old mother is the same, spends too much time on FB, but I just said to my D2 “she is a smart lady and needs more stimulus than she is getting”
D2 is home, decompressing after finals, she did well again, and is happy. D2 is as well, loves her job and is looking at grad school
Kmc so sorry about your GM, we are also saying the long goodbye. MIL has cancer but it doesn’t seem to be progressing as the docs thought. they gave her 6 months which is this month. she is a strong Irish lady.
I too have concerns about privacy here. Do you think there is a link form CC parents on FB, not the one you created but the other one?</p>
<p>So boss appeared yesterday for the meeting and then left again. I think he was in a total of 15 minutes maybe. I was here for 4 hours. Not really sure why other than supporting the person that is late who doesn’t even work for me. But – hey I’m not dedicated. I don’t know if talking with him will work or not. Yes new job that I took within the company because I was told that I needed something more high profile. Okay – high profile project – crappy boss who has no way with people – I play a lot of cleanup after he does his drive by management style. I’m gong to be very off putting with him until I get an apology. I don’t think he gets it at all but hey I can keep a mad on for months – just ask my husband. I haven’t spoke to my stepfather in 20 years so I think I can be mad for a VERY long time if I choose. By the way my mother had divorced him before she died so there is more to it then me being a jerk. Everyone seems to give into my boss because they don’t want to take getting yelled at. I raised two very stubborn children who tried to throw temper tantrums and it got them no where and a husband who can go off the rails for no apparant reason sometimes (usually when he’s hungry or tired) and since I don’t take it from them I’m sure as heck not going to take it a work.</p>
<p>Oh and I slept in this morning, still went to the gym, stopped and got a bagel and then came to work so he can stuff it. :)</p>
<p>I have not been around a lot lately–working too many hours for a few weeks, and then a visit to Boston to enjoy my grandson.</p>
<p>So funny–he is just as strong willed as my son was at the same age–and my son doesn’t think it’s so funny. And my grandson apparently inherited the great smarts of both my son and my DIL, so they are in for a wild ride.</p>
<p>Just one example–my son dedicated himself to prying all of the socket protectors out of the sockets while he was still crawling. Guess what fascinates my grandson? And he makes great efforts to pull himself over the gates blocking the stairs, and the crib rails. He is a natural climber. He already knows how to pull himself up on a chair, and then on to the kitchen table. And he is not yet 14 months old.</p>
<p>So when he is not fast asleep–he is a constantly moving challenge.</p>
<p>So Bubbe and Papa are having lots of fun. Mommy and Daddy? Not so much.</p>
<p>kmc, I am so sorry about your grandmother. I miss mine every day.</p>
<p>MP–I also miss all of those activities, especially watching my sons play sports. I miss watching them, and I miss my sideline friends. So Moda, I feel the same way you do. Especially as we have moved a few times in the past few years, I find that I really don’t have a lot of a social life these days.</p>
<p>Oh, Moda, I am having the same issues. I am feeling old and “passed by.” At the firm retreat, they talked about making new contacts through kids’ activities…too late for that for me. As you recall, we had to fire my largest client for non-payment, and I still need to replace the work. I thought I had a great replacement, but things have gone south in a big way for that company, so no new real estate deals for them. I feel like I am “starting over” and am worried that the firm won’t have the confidence in me to let me do that. Many attorneys sort of give up at my age and slide down in comp and status every year until they retire. With three kids in college next year, I can’t do that. Plus I don’t want to do that. I still have a lot fo give professionally.</p>
<p>RM, so sorry about your job situation. I bet a boss like that won’t last long…but it sounds very painful to try to outlast him. </p>
<p>Our church (a large, prominent one) called a new senior pastor yesterday. 35 years old!!! Talk about making me feel old. I could be his mother. He’s a Stanford grad, so I hope the sermons will be at a higher intellectual evel than those of the last guy.</p>
<p>A fried of mine on FB this morning posted a happy birthday to her oldest. He’s 36. I had to do the math. I know that she is my age – we were in the same class together. I know that she was pregnant in high school but WOW! That really made me feel my age!</p>
<p>Shaws sister in law is a good source of info if anyone is interested
RM it stinks to deal with a boss like that especialy someone in power. I have fund myself in many a maddening situation, and thought I certainly wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
MP I feel the same way, don’t want to be put out to pasture but when you work with 20’s , it is hard. I wish things were easier for you</p>
<p>RM, I’ll tell you one story. My first husband was very materialistic, very anxoius to climb the corporate ladder. He left me to live in a big city with his GF; easily found a new job, at a nice salary. He had this idea, however, that he only needed to be nice to those above him on the ladder. He was rude to secretaries and others “below” him in the orginization. After about 4 months, he got fired for his rude behavior! </p>
<p>I love it! My boss however has been here for years and I hate to say it but there really are others here that are worse than him if you can believe it! I just don’t see why he gets away with it. Or any of them do for that matter.</p>
<p>I think its somewhere along the lines of the peter principal. I see others get by with unacceptable behavior all the time. I think the tide is changing and the term 'hostile work environment" is being used. I told a young nurse the other day, that no matter how inexperienced she was , young,r ight or wrong, that there was never any reason to be treated with d,isrespect, hurtful unprofessional behavior. I think the institutions put so much money into their young, they need to pay attention to this. RM, I m glad you feel you have some power in the situation, but perhaps you should start documenting the comments, and what you do, to protect yourself. </p>
<p>Good morning. RM, I hope things go your way a little better with bosszilla
Missy, I’m going to sprinkle some “good new client” fairy dust so be ready to receive!</p>
<p>I’ve been a little down over a certain “gradzilla” gf of mcson’s, but I won’t go into details here except to say humans are delicious and I must use my powers for good ;)</p>
<p>Otherwise, life is ticking along. Shaw, your comment about structure and meaning in life was well-timed, as my mom is clearly in a funk, and your comment inspired a useful conversation about that. She’s coming down Mother’s Day weekend for some tlc so hopefully we can help get her through this.</p>
<p>I am a big fan of up-front, non-festering approaches to things because otherwise those things end up having power over you for a long time. My mom is the opposite, and tends to operate over top of stuff, which I think has exacerbated her encounter with mortality in her mom passing. I don’t know, I’m not a therapist, I just play one on TV as they say.</p>
I get by on humor and foreignness, in general, which somehow makes it easier to get away with an opposing viewpoint, it seems…particularly where ACA is concerned. Sometimes an outsider has a clearer view of the mechanics of an issue. </p>
Everyone seems to give into my boss because they don’t want to take getting yelled at. I raised two very stubborn children who tried to throw temper tantrums and it got them no where and a husband who can go off the rails for no apparant reason sometimes (usually when he’s hungry or tired) and since I don’t take it from them I’m sure as heck not going to take it a work.</p>