<p>LasMa, is there any way that you can insist that your D see a counselor at her school? My D faced a similar situation, altough at a summer-long program and not college, and the only thing that helped her focus on any thought other than “I want to go home” was talking to a counselor. Transfering might be the right thing, if she is at the wrong school. But if she is homesick, having someone to help her get through it might be enough.</p>
<p>LasMa and amtc–hang in there! It’s so hard to hear their fears/anxieties/complaints when there’s really not much you can do to help them. At least you know they feel safe “dumping the bucket” on you.</p>
<p>The confirmed cases of H1N1 at D’s school have grown from 2 to 80. She heard 250 is the magic number: they’ll close down school, send everyone home, and all course workdwill be online. How’s that going to work for chem lab?</p>
<p>GracieBee: I have suggested the counseling office, as well as her advisor, her peer mentor, her RA, and her roomie. No dice. She’s not interested in getting over the homesickness; she wants to escape it. The kid is resistant to asking for help under the best of circumstances, and she’s now utterly convinced that no one there cares about her or would want to help her. She’s going into Irrational Land, and I don’t know how to pull her out of it. Trying to steer her toward reality only results in sobbing fights, and her feeling that even her parents have turned against her.</p>
<p>The freshman dean is going to have the advisor and mentor contact HER; I think that if someone can just push through the rapidly-thickening wall and get her to pour out her feelings and examine some of her assumptions, then they can begin to help her put the pieces back together. That’s probably the only hope we have of salvaging this.</p>
<p>Is she a frequent visitor to Irrational Land, or is this a first for her?</p>
<p>Can she come home for Labor Day weekend? Or could you visit her?</p>
<p>Do you think it’s parents/siblings/house she misses, or friends or boyfriend?</p>
<p>LasMa and others who kids are struggling, here’s hoping and praying something turns around for them, or gets better soon, or breaks through whatever barriers they seem to be erecting against feeling better about things. Who knew?</p>
<p>Fires: they are wearying. The residential areas around us seem pretty much out of danger now. There is also some shift in the weather – we’ve got more humidity (coastal fog moving in); good for the fires, but the result is that the smoke is much denser today. It really gives one claustrophia: you can’t open a window, or go outside except in short bursts to get the mail. Schools are closed; my exercise classes are cancelled; everyone’s sort of hunkered down. Now they’re saying a full two weeks til full containment. </p>
<p>We’re fine, but weary of this and wondering whether we should get out for a few days …</p>
<p>amtc,<br>
Has D tried to find others going to her school on FaceBook? My D has met her roommate (school decides roommates totally randomly so she wanted to choose someone she thought she could live with), as well as connected to others with similar interests. No guarantee that any will become life long friends but just ‘knowing’ someone else going to your school even if it’s online, is a little less scary. BTW, D does not know anyone else going to her college from her hs other than a couple from the class before hers.</p>
<p>So glad you checked in, Zetesis!</p>
<p>LasMa, if it was my son, I’d want a professional (school counselor or whatever) to at least chat with him. We can all talk “tough love” and say optimistic things, but a professional could make sure your D is not at the point of a genuine breakdown.</p>
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<p>Just spoke to D, senior at Wake. She was a “health educator” at Freshman Orientation & has been in touch w/ staff at the Health Center. There are not 80 confirmed cases of H1N1; there are a fair # of kids going to Student Health w/ flu-like symptoms, but some are probably regular flu. It takes a while for test results to come back, so, again, there aren’t 80 confirmed cases. ALSO, there is no magic number for closing school – this is a rumor that gets started every time there’s a lot of flu cases of any variety on campus. She said back in her sophomore year, when there were a lot of cases of regular flu, the rumored magic # was 300. That time the school did hand out bottles of hand sanitizer. So, sound to me like Chem Labs go on as scheduled! :)</p>
<p>LasMa: Is your daughter far away from home? What school is she going to? I wonder if some of her anxiety is over the drinking that goes on in college. My friends and I (all theater/drama kids) were all frankly shocked at the amount of blatant drinking, drink games, wild parties etc. at our various schools – and none of them are considered “party schools”. This really freaked me out until I realized that I wouldn’t be sucked into it. Even in the dorm rooms there were drinking game parties and literally everyone but me participated. I honestly thought my school was the only one until I talked to my friends at various schools around California (Berkeley, Santa Barbara, etc) and found they were all surprised at the level of drinking. Anyway…hope she feels better about it soon. You’re right to insist she stay –</p>
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<p>I was under the impression that CSUs were closed for transfer for spring and fall 2010?</p>
<p>LasMa – It probably won’t help, but I wonder if your D understands that if she comes home, “home” is not what it used to be – her friends aren’t there; they’re off to college themselves. Our older D actually cried during her first Christmas break home when she came to realize “it will never be the same.” Your D won’t just come home and go back to the way it was. Of course, that probably means little to your D right now. </p>
<p>I think we all just want to somehow help you fix this. I’m so sorry she’s so unhappy. That really is stressful for all of you.</p>
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<p>Next are you going to tell me she doesn’t automatically get straight A’s if her roommate dies? ;)</p>
<p>My parents just left after TWELVE HOURS. Ugggh. My parents kept getting into arguments, which lead to my dad and I fighting, and then my dad and I fought the entire day over random crap. They were basically here the whole time arguing with me about whether or not I was wasting space, and whether or not I was totally screwing my roommate by moving the (identical) furniture I picked around to a configuration I liked while not touching hers, with full intention of offering to change up anything roomie wants when she arrives and wants to configure her own furniture. Admittedly the room is NOT symmetrical, one half is twice as big as the other, but I took the smaller side and both have windows and I WILL offer to change up if she wants. Even gave her the massive closet and took the small one with the drawer that sticks for myself, hoping that would make her feel better about me getting here early-- and was up til 5am baking cookies. I don’t want her or her parents to feel weird about her coming in as a freshman and living with a 20 year old so I am making a PARTICULAR effort to be as considerate and courteous as I can and I really don’t know what my dad’s problem was. I have slept three hours in two days, my back and feet ache, and I still have TONS of organizing to do to make everything fit-- I hardly brought anything but all the closet space in the world doesn’t make up for a complete lack of drawers and bookshelves. </p>
<p>I am actually ecstatically happy to finally be at Michigan, I’m just completely exhausted. And I also just found out that there are only two washers and two dryers for the entire building–800 residents. My dorm room is the coolest dorm I’ve ever seen, it’s a corner with two windows, 14x19, and THREE closets for two people! And my bed is ten times better than my one at home, so is the desk and I’ve never even had a dresser even if it is small. It almost makes up for the fact that I’ll apparently be taking my clothes with me into the shower until Christmas! I will post pics of my part of the room once roommate gets here and we solidify our design scheme. :)</p>
<p>Also, it seems that as soon as my mom got home she started sending me “whatcha doing!?” texts. XD On the way out she winked and was like, “WELL I EXPECT YOU TO CALL ME EVERY NIGHT TO TELL ME WHEN YOU’RE IN!” and I told her, “yeah, more like I’ll call you every night to tell you when I’m going out!” It ended the day on a light note, though I do suspect my mom might have shed a few tears in the car. She is happy enough for me that so far as I can tell she is dealing with the separation well, if my dad even cared I don’t know. I am too tired to know if I care yet. I think I am too happy for me, too. :)</p>
<p>Twisted kiss,
The worst is over! Now just enjoy your time at Michigan. Keep us posted on how things are going…it’s great getting the input of intelligent, grounded students.</p>
<p>Just a quick check in and it’s admittedly to book mark so I can catch up later!!</p>
<p>We leave tomorrow… and truly, it’s probably none too soon. 
It’s been nice to be on hand for S and getting what needs, but it’s probably reached the tipping point. He is VERY nervous – really odd to see that in a kid who is generally so at ease and confident. </p>
<p>Example: I bought him tide stain release (you literally just throw it in the washer with the premade detergent/fabric sheet thing and you don’t have to pretreat stains). I thought I was making laundry easier AND getting his clothes clean. He thought it was ridiculous overkill and made him look stupid. He made me take it back, along with a 3-hole punch and some other stuff. How laundry detergent or wanting your clothes to come clean is stupid, I have yet to figure it out. However, I felt better when another mom told me that her son refused for them to buy him a few snacks… Thought it would make him look weird! Ran into another mom who said she had been dismissed. So… it goes.</p>
<p>They had a lovely little welcome from the president with a nice reception to follow. It was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day… not too hot, light breeze… really lovely. We have yet to meet the roommate since he came later while S was at football and of course, we were gone. I think he’s pretty happy with the situation though, so that’s good. We picked him up a fridge tonight and will drop that off tomorrow when we go for the last of famly orientation and a good bye. Hopefully settling in with his roommates will have lowered his stress level considerably by then… I sure hope so!!</p>
<p>LasMa, I agree with Missy that I would want the professional counselor. RAs are good to a limited extent–they are just students after all (I am assuming). Deans might be good at this sort of thing but my impression is that they deal more with academic issues. I know it is totally exhausting (and infuriating) to deal with someone who is irrationally unhappy. I actually am a little surprised not to be in your position, after my kid’s experience at her summer program. As it turns out, she seems to be adapting to college. She is not happy by any means, but I knew that would be the case, at least at first. She is not an extrovert, either in the sense that she likes to be around a lot of people or that she is comfortable with people right off the bat. She did have a few treasured friends in high school, and I know one of the worst parts of starting college is that she misses them like heck. She also needs some alone time, and maybe the hardest part of college is being in a quad–there is always someone in the room. She is finding other places to be alone but I think she feeling a little “homeless” without someplace that she can totally relax. But she is taking some of the right steps, signing up for clubs and such. I just hope that she does find a kindred spirit or two in the not too distant future. Otherwise she might decide that she too needs to come home.</p>
<p>“I think I am too happy for me, too.”
Good for you!</p>
<p>My H got the 15 minute call from D today. D is reaaalllly happy and so thankful and appreciative. But did he get any real details. Nope. But those calls make all the work worth it.</p>
<p>Oh and other D has two internship interviews tomorrow with Tv news stations. Excellent.</p>
<p>And I thought my dog was on death door today, but seems to have rebounded. A couple of good hours in a week of sleeping 20 hours a day and falling down when he walks.</p>
<p>(sorry this got so long, but I’ve clearly found some sympathetic shoulders to cry on…)</p>
<p>Thank you all for your support.</p>
<p>To respond to random questions/suggestions: She’s 1500 miles from home which definitely doesn’t help, and which also eliminates the possibility of quick trips; it’s a full day’s travel each way. It was she who wanted to go far far away; she only applied to one school in-state, and that was only at my insistence. </p>
<p>Her school is definitely NOT a party school and in fact, from everything I saw during orientation, she <em>should</em> be feeling like she’s among her kind. I still believe this is a wonderful school for her if she can pull herself out of her funk. She misses parents, home, cats, boyfriend, friends, her dance studio, and the town she’s lived in all her life. Everything. She’s said several times, “I’m not ready to be an adult yet!” and she is indeed young, still 17 when school started. Her boyfriend is flying 1500 miles to see her this coming weekend, so she’s happy about that. Not sure if it will hurt or help in the long run, but he’ll bring at least some temporary balm to her bruised heart.</p>
<p>She is an occasional, if not frequent, visitor to Irrational Land. She’s quite the stubborn child and gets ideas fixed in her head which she cannot be talked out of. Later, she’ll come to me and say that she realizes she was wrong; hopefully that will happen here.</p>
<p>The CSUs are indeed closed to spring '10 enrollment; I hadn’t heard about fall '10, but it wouldn’t surprise me. If, come October or so, D is still bent on leaving, DH and I will have to lay out the realities of coming home: She won’t be in school until at least next fall or possibly later, and even then it will be a school which she scorned to even apply to last winter; she’ll have to get a job in the meantime; her dreams of doing butterfly research in South America would probably be over; and as you correctly point out, Zetesis, being home while all her friends are at college will not only be lonely, but will probably feel like “Fail” writ large. </p>
<p>I agree with those of you who mention the counseling office, but I’m not quite sure how to force her to go. I suppose I could bully or threaten, but my mother’s heart just can’t go there yet, and several gentle suggestions in that direction have been summarily rejected. The weird thing is, she was in counseling during senior year and benefited from it tremendously. Would it be unethical if I asked her counsellor to call her? Maybe he could get her working through some of her stuff. Telephone counselling would be far better than none at all.</p>
<p>Here’s something else strange: In our conversations (several per day), she is rarely negative and frequently positive. She reports that she likes her work study job, is really excited about one of her classes, doesn’t feel over her head academically, already has a boy chasing her (to her immense annoyance), likes her roomie, thinks the food is pretty good. I also notice that she’s added a number of her fellow students as facebook friends. And yet her facebook posts are uniformly negative: “Can’t wait til December” “College sucks” “The people here are so fake.” Her friends here tell me that she talks constantly about how much she hates it and wants to come home. Is she putting on the happy face for us alone, or is the whole really that off-kilter from the sum of the parts?</p>
<p>How much is the bf a factor? Seems so much is right, and yet all ths drama. DO you think this is real angst, or maybe for affect. I mean, she got her BF to fly out.</p>
<p>I would not listen to all the whining. I would ask her counsler what he suggests you do. That wouldn’t be unethical. I would ask D is she would like to talk with her old counselor because you can’t make sense of all the mixed signals. </p>
<p>I would also ask her to be very specific about what she plans to do when and if she quits school. ANd I would use that word, quit. I wouldn’t ■■■■■ foot around the real ramifications of her quitting. </p>
<p>That when she comes home, she will be working, paying rent, have a curfew, etc. </p>
<p>I would also remind her that the choices of schools for her will be very limited. This is all true and it needs to be made very clear what life at home will be like. That her friends won’t be around. And hopefully BF won’t be around. I think that is very likely the biggest factor here, the boy.</p>