I told my kids when they were in high school that grad school is on them. We have a long way to go in funding our retirement.
Same here, missypie. Our kids know not to expect anything from us if they ever attend grad school. We need to be sure our own retirement is secure. I’m sure we will help some with things down the line with weddings, maybe some help with a new house, but funding grad school is just not in the budget.
Unsure about funding grad school. D is not currently interested but we are paying a lot for her wedding. S is already talking Masters degree. NO promises but I would like to be able to help him.
I am in the unusual (and enviable) position of actually being less well off than my siblings although we are quite comfortable. I suspect that my parents will treat us equally when the time comes. That’s fine with me.
H is doing very well and thank you for your good wishes. He let me talk about the BP and so on. Then the doc arrived and had gone over the chart more carefully and decided to do the short pricedure so not a general anethesia. Such a relief.
H is driving me nuts by bending and being up and about. I did talk to the doc when alone and made sure that he told H no swimming for 3 weeks. H did not believe me and planned on swimming in one.
I think it is going to be a challanging two weeks off work for/with him. He does not organize himself with so much down time. But then you all no doubt remember my rants about this from before. :-@
Yes, we have always said grad school is on them. We wish we could help but now that we are on retirement mode we can only do so much. Also mush more was spent on their undergrad than anticipated.
DIL just sent the cutest picture of the two of them kayaking in Alaska. S in not adventuresome at all. Hates getting wet.
He looks quite the changed guy and very happy. I need to remember that he is only 25 and most of his maturing has happened the last 3 years. It is nice to see.
Glad to hear the surgery went well, oregon.
^ glad hubby’s procedure was problem free, though it sounds like HE may not be for the next few weeks 
In some ways, having only one child makes the whole inheritance thing (if there’s any left ;)) a simple thing. I’m not sure what side I’d land on if I had two or more…equal handling or according to need. Both approaches have caused way too much drama in my family.
My mother struggles with this a lot even in small things, because the way she looks at it is if she helps one now, she’s pulling from what she leaves for the rest. I think she drives herself crazy, and I think that’s often why she doesn’t generally help any of them much, though there are other good reasons to my mind (eg fostering autonomy in the younger ones…not financing poor choices, etc.)
Its ironic and a bit drama loaded because much of what she actually has in reserve in terms of wealth came from my great aunt (like a grandmother, raised my mom) who in fact had originally left half specifically to me, but after a long convalescence wherein my mom looked after her and took control of the money, it didn’t go that way So the way I figure it, in a way I’m helping them all, whether I offered or not And perhaps deep down this is why she’s historically been so miserly with it, imposing her notion of equity even though same defies my aunts intent.
Had my aunt’s wishes (and will ;)) been honored, four other people would have felt it incredibly unfair, because she had sorta left everyone else out. There were a couple of reasons for that based on some family history, but I also think she just knew deep in her heart that I’d ultimately look after the others and share, wouldn’t let a man spend it, and that she simply didn’t trust any of the others, mom included, to handle it. She’d told me as much on several occasions.
In hindsight, I feel I dodged a bullet by leaving it in mom’s control uncontested, though my sisters were unhappy about this. I would not particularly have wanted the burden of metering the purse strings, nor the extra drama as mom had a lot of baggage around my aunt’s high opinion of me. Sib-esque in nature.
When I was 21, this same aunt had attempted to give me a large sum of cash to purchase a house outright. My mother pitched a fit. In the end, I didn’t take it, because I didn’t want the inherent responsibility of looking after my aunt in her old age and thought it better she hold onto the money to contribute to her own autonomy. I was young, and wasn’t confident that I’d have the future wherewithal, and knew I’d feel terrible if I couldn’t help her in turn when she needed it. A weird fear now, I realize.
So it seems I’ve repeatedly told the universe that I don’t want the responsibility of money I should probably stop telling the universe that about now! Hi ho!
We have unequal sharing in both families. Because I have been successful, we (and in one case, our kids) have gotten less in initial pre-death help and distributions and may get less on death of the relevant grandmother. Mostly I’m ok with it.
Had a great two days with friends on Martha’s Vineyard. Nice hike yesterday and bike ride today to Chappaquidick. Now I’m on a plane to London, then Basel then Amsterdam and then home. Next weekend to the first part of my 40th college reunion and then hustling back for a the ordination as a rabbi of a cousin of ShawWife (and friend of mine) as well as his engagement to future wife number 2-- the actual wedding will be in Israel. The ex, with whom he has a great relationship, flew in today to help with the parties. He ran a company and I was board chair and when it sold, he decided to become a rabbi. Once the ordination and engagement celebrations are done, I head back to London and Frankfurt next week. Good thing I had a couple of weeks at home (maybe even three).
Shaw, I lived in Basel four years (divided 3 + 1). It’s changed a lot, but still holds an awful lot of sweet memories.
Oregon, glad your H’s surgery went well; hope his recovery does too.
We have helped with some incidentals in grad school (we still carry D2 on our medical insurance), but both girls – and we – have been fortunate to have fellowships that covered tuition and living stipend. I know not all programs/fields are like that, though.
^ With S studying international relations/politics I’m not sure he can find many fellowship opportunities when the time comes.
D,her fiance, H and I met with the wedding planner yesterday. I felt good when he told us we are ahead of the game on a lot of things, but still feel as if there is a lot to do.
S arrived in France for his 8 week language immersion.
PhDs may provide funding, @FallGirl . They do for sure in the fields I know/am in. ShawSon is in a master’s program I am finding, but one of his professors asked if he wants to enter the PhD program, wick should be fully funded (and is also likely the best in the world in its field by quite a bit. But that would delay his entry into entrepreneurship. A truly brilliant grad student (started college at age 10 and at 16 is in his 2nd year) said after reviewing the proof that my son is working on that he was probably halfway done with his thesis. ShawSon is thinking if it added only a year to his schooling, it would be worth doing.
My parents have never had a lot of money (Dad was a social worker.) My parents sacrificed vacations in retirement to support my sister. Mom feels bad that my sister is receiving “my inheritance”. That matters not a bit to me but I just hate it that my sister can’t support herself and I hate how Mom feels about supporting her.
Pretty good weekend. Squeezed in a couple of hours of yard work between thunderstorms. (I like yard work a lot more than the treadmill.) Had a wonderful nap during a thunderstorm. Worked up the energy to make some nice meals. Ready to tackle the Corporation tomorrow.
Good for you mp!
LOL regarding you dad’s career as when I look at my social security earnings for my career as a therapist --well then.
I did thin the veggies today in the garden. Still, am SO glad I am in my humble office most of tomorrow.
Gave H a recipie–a lovely potato corn chowder–and he did a great job. He did not taste it (he is really not a cook) but all it needed was more cumin and salt and pepper. But why not taste as you go. I usually do not but then I can smell over the top.
That said! Gads! I put the bread in for a broil and said watch this and do not let it burn. I smelled it burning and he stood there trying to turn off the timer but NOT taking the bread out.
Oops–think this is for the rant thread.
He is doing welI–I am tired of not having alone time.
But I have been through this and know that it will pass.
Tomorrow he is to make a slow cooker pot roast which neither of us has ever done. Take the dog for her nails.
Just organizing him.
S called today to TALK!
:-*
We hope to see them in a week or so. Missing them and wonderering how GSon has grown.
Good news is that they did get the daycare they want for him for her Med school but they do not yet know their housing so may be great or not.
Happy Memorial Day!
Did anyone notice the post regarding the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day? Nice to remember.
Wonder if most young people do.
oregon, I don’t think a lot of people know the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day.
The potato corn chowder sounds delish. I am not a cook so I do get your H not tasting as it was cooking. I have however made pot roast in the crock pot and it has turned out really good.
shaw- I had not considered PhD programs and don’t know if S has. That is something to think about though.
S made it to France, but very little communication since. I’m sure he is fine, but would like to hear a little more.
D and her fiance drove our SUV back to the city. D was nervous, but she ended up driving the entire way so that’s good. They are able to park at her fiance’s work (about 15 min walking from their place) which is good because they could not find a place to park. She will continue to take the bus to work, so the car will be used mostly on weekends.
S went to law school - not something that you are going to find a fellowship for or grant money. He did an extra year and also received his MBA – so 3 years in grad school for an MBA and JD. Of course if probably could have been a cheaper school - went to Cornell. He graduated with no debt (thanks to H and I) and it has set him up for a good start. We also if you remember bought him a new car when he finished his undergrad which he is still driving and in fairly good shape. We’ll work a couple of more years to help replace what we took out but in the long run for us it was worth it. We had the means and really neither one of us is even 55 at the moment so still have a few years to work. We are really hoping for 2-3 more and that will be it but we’ll see…
RM, good for you! I am not at all against parents funding grad school but at my age and income (and perhaps 8 years of undergrad for Son), we need to see to retirement savings. (Good for your S, too!)
Oregon, I love that you are giving your H jobs. After 25+ years, I may have convinced H to taste as he cooks…sometimes. He likes to use “vintage” recipes (his church cookbook from the early 70s). He used to just blindly add salt if the recipe said so…I can’t think of anything a person would make that would need one or more tablespoons of salt!
Folks, when you hear on the news this morning that Houston is basically closed due to flooding, don’t think them wimpy. In my experience, Houston floods at the drop of a hat…I swear that even a “normal” heavy rain puts a foot of water in the streets. So if those folks think it’s flooded, OMG.
MP - Totally understand! We were just in a place that allowed us to “help out”. He had skin in the game as well as he had to pay for his apartment and his food/entertainment. We paid tuition and for books (law school books are EXPENSIVE 
).
If D eventually decides to go back for grad school I hope that we will also be in a place to help her as well but we will see. (See not necessarily equal). If she decides once we retire we would need to look at the finances to see what we could swing.
Oregon - Good luck!! My H is never good when he is “recovering”.
I had a reply from my sister to my last email. She’s all kinds of angry at me. Although my emails were very carefully worded, she accused me of talking to her like I would talk to one of my children, which is probably accurate. With whom does someone typically have the conversation about “it’s great that you are following your passion but you really need to see to supporting yourself?”
It is tragic, She cares so much about teaching undergrads to write. It’s such a legitimate calling and she is good at it. But just like the talented but undiscovered singer, dancer, actor, painter, many people have to give up their passions as a full time pursuit to avoid poverty.
She also made it clear that she is doing all she is going to do for my mother. You can’t force someone to sacrifice some of their own free time to drive their mother to the doctor, help with household chores, etc. If the attitude is bad, the help could do more harm than good. One would think that she would feel a great sense of obligation to take care of Mom - like she could “pay back” in care what she can’t pay back in money. But in my sister’s mind, she is doing more than enough. Blanche DuBois does not do yard work.
So I will follow the excellent advice here and stay quiet for a while. My sister will have a lot of time to think this summer. Maybe it will become “her idea” to look for a different line of work.
And I will force myself to learn from my mom’s experience. When/if older D accepts a job that pays such a pittance that she can only afford an apartment without A/C and is miserable, I will have to make myself not pay the difference so she can afford more.
(Did y’all see the report that Trulia.com published about what the average worker just out of undergrad makes and how much income it takes to afford the average apartment? In D’s city, the average starting salary is $25,000 and one should make $69,000 to afford the average apartment.)
Took D back to the airport, and then spent a good chunk of the rest of the day clearing out stuff from the attic in preparation for trash tomorrow and an ARC pickup Friday. I also went around the house and looked at all the bric-a-brac and selecting items for the donation. Lots more to go, but it feels good. D also contributed a bunch.
The weather cleared up for the 10K Monday, and she had one nice day, but overall it was a very soggy visit. Of course, now that she’s flying home it is getting nice here – and there’s supposed to be a week of rain in NYC. 
Luckily her job pays well enough to afford a decent apartment since she’s frugal in other respects, but I was taken aback at the price of her gym – right about the amount of my monthly car payment in 1985. But, she likes it and is hitting it around five days a week, so there is that. (And this is with some subsidy from her employer. Yowza.) NYC is expensive.
This weekend I finally noticed in the large what I’d noted in our yard: this was a really tough winter for evergreens. There are dead evergreens all over the place, everything from junipers to cypresses. What is weird is that it was not particularly a tough winter.
^ That is interesting about the gym, arabrab, as I find the one my D belongs to in NYC is quite reasonable. But since your D is using it so much I think it’s well worth it.
Well, I got my long anticipated promotion yesterday. I also got the money I had hoped for. Yay! My boss and her boss had to go to bat for me on that. I also feel that I had a hand in this, so winning all around.
mp- what can I say? At least your S knows how you feel and hopefully after time some of what you wrote sinks in.
Congrats FG on the promo and raise!