Lots of sympathy that you’re having to think this through, MP. We saw several friends of my in-laws who had adult kids in much the same situation, one even still living at home. Very tough, especially when mom & dad no longer have the resources to provide.
We had the same issue Shaw noted with his mother – my father didn’t want to follow through and set up a special trust in his will for an adult child with incapacitating mental health issues because it wouldn’t have been “fair” to single her out.
Back from Reno and into more drizzle and darned cold weather. Low 40’s tonight, and lots of new snow up on the mountains. Brrr… I read El Nino is coming back, and while that is good for California, I would not mind a week or two of warm weather – this has been one cold and wet May.
Bad weather this time of year is seriously sad…wishing you better!
My Dear Aunt Dot gave each of her three kids exactly the same no matter what. It made no sense as her 3rd–D-- has MS as well as has had severe seizures since age 14. Her oldest S is simply a loser. No discussion there. And her 2nd S has worked hard but does Ok but anything $ is welcome. She did the same for each and every grandkid and then great grandkid.
We are not of that school. We would have set things up for the D first. But we also do not do the same for S and D now.
We are very very generous with both and try to make them feel super special all of the time. But if S had knowledge of even some funds we have available to him now it would not help him with maturing and being responsible. Whereas D is drowning in Med school debt. So we pay $60 for S’s trip home for gas and $500 for D’s airplane ticket.
H goes in for a hernia repair this Friday. I am afraid to count how many ER visits and operations he has had to my 2 over 33 years–guess 3 if we count the C-section.
He is doing very well since the serious surgery in Palm Springs. Selfishly I am thinking that he will be home for 2 weeks now…I do like my alone time.
Beautiful weather here and the seeds I threw into the raised beds seem to almost too thrilled to grow. Meaning I am going to have to thin things soon. But all is good when they raise there lettuce heads.
We had some stretches of very hot weather in March and April – and now May has been mostly cool, with lots of coastal cloudiness (what is sometimes called “June gloom”) – and even a couple of inches of rain last week.
If El Nino does materialize (and it didn’t this year in spite of early predictions), and is anything like the (in)famous 1997-98 El Nino year, we’ll soon be worrying about serious damage from mudslides. But they say people will be golfing in Minnesota in February.
I totally get this. I love my H and he is a great guy, but I am looking forward to the 2 weeks in late June/early July when he will be at his family reunion then visiting his mom,sisters, etc.
Working from home today, but have to go in about 2, pick up a coworker and then go downtown for a work related event. Hope traffic is not horrific driving back.
Good Morning!
The above conversation was on topic for me. We spent yesterday morning at the attorney’s office editing and signing estate planning documents. Not quite finished as we work through various trust instructions. We are trying to make things easier for both Ds and future grandkids. Setting up a cabin trust for future generations was the most tedious! H and I joked we should just spend everything and have fun!
missy…thinking of you! Dealing with family financial decisions is so tough. I have several sisters who have made very poor choices in life and have asked for my financial help. I did help at the time but learned I was just enabling more poor choices. I no longer help out financially. Way too much drama!
Heading to the lake later today. Hoping to miss the traffic by leaving today instead of on Friday. Will be a cool and rainy weekend.We have some family tee times set up for Saturday morning so I hope we have clear skies for that. H wants to set up a new horseshoe pit and build another retaining wall. The girls just want to relax. Looking forward to some family time!
I also like my alone time. Even when the house was full of little kids I was able to get dressed for work in peace and quiet. For some reason yesterday morning, H and Son and younger D were all in up and in and out of the master bath while I was getting ready. No one would take a hint to leave me in peace. But I hate to get too testy about having people around because I think of my mother all alone in her house sometimes not talking to anyone all day.
so funny you would be mentioning this. I also enjoy my alone time, and love my H . But when I am with him its a compromise and I don’t always want to compromise.
MP I tried to think of what I would do, but I just felt like a jerk. I don’t feel its my responsibility to support my sibs or continue with a pattern my parents set up. I did tell my mom to leave the house to my brother and sister who need it more. I do give generous birthday presents etc…but I cant be in the position of supporting someone else. My older brother is an A so nope.
Start school again tomorrow.
I’m surprised that none of my sibs has ever asked for our financial assistance. Perhaps DH being an intimidating guy is helpful in that regard! My parents have subsidized one of my sisters through a lot of poor decisions. She has helped them in recent years, but I know that my dad’s plan of gifting her the house my parents bought for her to live in (which is not the one my dad lives in) is going to cause many hard feelings.
MP, I would do what you need to do to keep your family secure and to keep talking to your mom about protecting her own assets for when she needs more nursing care.
That is the tough thing here. When a parent is on a fixed income, they need to do everything to protect their money for their own needs. And there is a lookback period for qualifying for Medicaid, in terms of gifting. It is a very different situation when a parent is wealthy . Parents definitely do strange things with their money and it is their right. But it can cause issues between siblings and I definitely plan to keep that in mind . My parents were not at all wealthy. Their main asset was their house, worth about $60,000 tops! But they gave the house to my only sibling, straight up , and explained to me when they showed me their will that it was because I was married and she was not! That I had a husband to support me! I said pretty much whatever because I love my sister and did not want to make waves. But it was so crazy when I think about it but this was their old school way of thinking. Never mind I had kids to support, my sister had no mortgage or rent or children to support and made very good money and was/is very secure financially. We are comfortable but my sister is very much more so than we are, and she has told me so ! But it’s all good. If we were struggling financially, I might feel differently. Luckily, my kids are both doing well financially and do not look to us for money and I hope that will continue. I hope I never do have to feel we would have to support one more substantially than the other. That’s a tough one and I truly don’t know what the answer is.
We do support one more than the other. I have the belief that different kids have different needs. And so now D has nothing but loans to live on and so we do pay for things like 1/2 the car repair and help a little bit with her rent. S has a good situation with DIL’s family and has been subsidized by them.
That said am looking forward to when D is making some money as a resident. I did mention just tonight that we need to only help one more year and, as always, she was gracious and thankful.
As far as the future, we are putting off, but need to take care of a new will. We want to let both them know that in our will any education loans will be paid for either of them before any disbursement of money. If DIL and S are still married in 10 years we might even include her medical school loans too. Education is our highest priority and leaving them loan free seems important in this day and age.
So! What was to be a small procedure tomorrow is now a major one as H learned that his doc changed his mind. Now H will have a general. Not the last surgery but the one before that was when H crashed with a BP of 70 and they had to abort the operation. He was dehydrated but also runs a super low BP at all times. He did not think to discuss this history with his doc today (!). And so now I will wifey bear tomorrow and probably come across as neurotic. I know that his anesthesiologist for his last surgery took my words very seriously and was glad to have the information.
Gads, told D I was looking at condo’s online for my future and she should look at plane tickets to come home tomorrow.
And he is a physican! Stupid!
Sending all good vibes to your H for his surgery, oregon.
mp – tough spot to be in, with your sister. Clearly she doesn’t see the world in the same way as most. I have no real words of wisdom for how to navigate the situation.
Nothing similar in either my or H’s family. For the most part, things are equal all the way around. When H’s parents sold their house to move into an apartment, they sold it to H’s sister and BIL, at a very good (i.e. below market) price. They then paid H’s brother for the cost (plus some extra) of building the apartment, which was in B’s house, over the garage. (He’s a builder.) We didn’t get anything, which H said was fine with him. (If he’s fine, I’m fine.) When they died, they left everything to the grandchildren, with some going to H’s brother and SIL since they don’t have any kids. I really don’t know how things are set up for when my father dies, but expect it’s absolutely equal between the 3 of us. H and I have always done our financial planning with no thought of any inheritance. With D & S, we’ve always told them we’d pay for undergrad; any grad school was on their dime. D used part of the money from H’s parents to pay down her MPH loans, and has since paid off everything. Fortunately both D & S are self-sufficient and doing well.
Planted cemetery flowers with my father yesterday. I also took photos of the various headstones/markers to add to my genealogy research.
We should see more activity at the beach over the long weekend. This morning is starting off a little dreary, but the weather should improve – although it’s not supposed to get above the high 60s, temperature-wise. Where is summer???
Oregon - hope your H’s surgery goes off with no issues.
We support the kids basically equal. Sure we paid for S’s grad school and would have for D as well but she for now anyway chose not to go. Helped both with their houses - sure S’s was more expensive but he has the money to pay the mortgage and D doesn’t have those kind of funds on her income. So S’s mortgage from us is more but okay. When I buy one something I in returned do something of similar value for the other. Not exact but similar.
Financially I think S is struggling a bit more than D at the moment. His house it more expensive, taxes similar but a bit more, DIL is a stay at home mom now so he is supporting 3 on his salary, and due to grad school he really has little or no savings at this point. D has money in the bank, bought a house that was under what she could afford and assumes it is a “starter” home and other than her home has no debt. Her salary is just for her. So all in all they have made their choices. We will help if needed but both have good jobs and will do fine. S earns almost as much as I do now so after the cost of just buying a home is a bit down the road he should be okay as well.
We just did new wills last year. Biggest thing that we did is that they don’t get all their inheritance until they are in their mid-30s. Just didn’t want to give them a big sum if we go early and then not have them have something later in case they made bad choices.
Oregon I always appreciate family advocating for their members. giving info I may not know. I have gotten flack advocating for myself, but I don’t care. I know what I am talking about. Hoping the procedure is over and successful
In my thoughts if a parent left me something that I thought was unequal, I would rectify the situation. It may also be that I feel grateful that I am not in need.
I have been thinking about the grd school, thing. My D1 wants to go to law school, my H doesn’t feel obligated to help, but I do.Guess I will push that agenda.
I have a question, do your feel and legs swell when you fly? despite compression stockings I have this issue going to Europe. not so much on domestic flights.
DTE, my feet swell a little bit, but nothing that seems problematic.
We pay for grad school if needed. We are Jewish and it is sort of core to the culture somehow that the most important thing you can give to your kids is an education they can take with them (maybe when we are kicked out of the next country?).
My parents have subsidized one of my sisters through a lot of poor decisions. She has helped them in recent years, but I know that my dad’s plan of gifting her the house my parents bought for her to live in (which is not the one my dad lives in) is going to cause many hard feelings.