just got back from Florence, we went to Assisi which I loved. I thought of Shaw and all of his long jaunts and I know I couldnt do it… we fly economy though. the way over the people in front put their seats all the way back… practically in our lap. the way back the plane wasn’t full so it was quite comfortable. In Florence we saw Tom hanks, they were filming a movie. Inferno. He was dressed as Robert Langdon. It was at the Boboli garden. We saw trucks all over the city.
When I came back, Cardinal Sean said a mass at my church. overall a very religious week. Learning more about St Francis is interesting. Now I get why the new pope took on this name.
Shaw sometimes I wish Iwas younger, I might have joined the service, your daughter would be an officer . A girl at work’s sister is an NP and served on AF 1. Quite a cool job.
Sounds like a lovely trip, dte.
We left last Thurs to pick up S. Spent Thursday night in NH where we had dinner with my sister and her family and on Fri we got to S’s school to pack up. He has tons of stuff. Had to take a large box to the post office to ship as it would not fit into the SUV. He had one more final on Sat AM. Bittersweet leaving on Sat. We drove on to NYC and met D and H’s cousins for dinner, then D’s fiance joined us for a show. Saw Act of God starring Jim Parsons which was very funny and I am very impressed by how talented Parsons is. Drove back today. I’m currently on load 3 of S’s laundry and there is more. That does not include bedding, he has a ton of clothes.
I have to go to work tomorrow to get a rest.
Wow, he must have a lot! H moved out S in December after 2.5 years there, since he was studying abroad this spring. Everything fit in the 4-door regular car. Had a bike rack for his bicycle.
On board our river cruise about to go on the first excursion. Nice so far. We’re definitely on the younger side of the clientele. A couple of college age kids are here with their parents. They’re definitely the youngest!
Oh I would love to do a river cruise!
Good Morning to All!
Back from Florida and catching up on laundry and CC.
Love hearing about all of the travel abroad. Wish we could see everyone’s photos! Glad you had a great time oregon and dte. Have fun cq! Can hardly wait to hear more.
Celebrated Mother’s day at the beach with H and the girls texted and called. Also celebrated my birthday poolside and then had a fabulous dinner out and about on the town.
FallGirl…how exciting for your son! A new adventure! LSE has such a great reputation.
Sounds like a great trip, DTE. Assisi is lovely.
Celebrated ShawD’s graduation ceremony at the end of last week. My 91 yo mother came up from NJ by train (one to NY Penn Station and then from Penn Station here). Very impressive. My MIL didn’t come. Their family has never been as big on celebrating education (lots of dyslexics in the family) but very atypical for a Jewish family. Very nice. Then we had dinner the next night with friends in the health care VC and medical software world and the following night with an always interesting couple. Describing what he does would identify him, but this year he was his undergraduate school’s distinguished alumnus. His 2nd wife has a daughter who was in ShawD’s grade, though idolized ShawSon, who was born with some serious birth issues that required a lot of surgery. Now all OK and she is graduating this year from the school where ShawSon is studying. She is probably 30 years younger than he is and their relationship have at its core an implicit deal – he takes care of her (she is sweet, hard-working, attractive and works at it – she’s probably early 40s and looks mid-30s) and especially her kid (through lots of surgeries and problems etc.) and she takes care of him. She’s been working in his business but is now studying to be a Chartered Financial Analyst – they are both clear that she needs an independent profession and documented skill set for when he dies. He’s very proud of her and immensely proud of the daughter. It’s very sweet. This morning I met with a biotech guy to get advice on advising a very bright professor in the biology area who is getting approached as she has fascinating research that is probably quite commercializable.
Beach sounds nice and relaxing, NM.
Congrats to ShawD. Shaw I have to say that you know a lot of fascinating people!
Yes, Congrats to ShawD!
Hope you’re getting some rest today, FallGirl!
Had a very nice visit from S2. We did see Mad Max-action packed and lots of fun. The critics seem to love it.
Welcome back, dte and NM. And hope you have a wonderful time in Europe, cq! And a great time in Reno, arabrab!
There’s a good chance H knows/knows of said friend(s)… 
Congratulations to ShawD. Glad to hear of all the great travels by several of you.
We’ve had some nice days here at the beach, but honestly – it’s not summer yet! We’ll get one, maybe two warms days and then, BOOM – back to the chilly weather. Last week we had tons of fog. H is still locked up in the shed working on the boat – I think he’s almost done. When he’s not doing that he’s been driving back and forth to WPI for various meetings. Last week he actually stayed overnight with his B & SIL for 2 nights since he had Trustee meetings all day Thurs and Fri, followed by Graduation on Saturday. Both Thurs & Fri nights there were dinners that I was also invited to – meaning I had to drive 3 hours round-trip both nights.
Saturday I played in a golf tournament while H was sitting on the stage in his academic regalia. Lots of fun! Yesterday we drove back to Worcester for our nephew’s college graduation party. Last week I also read/edited the next book from the author I helped out earlier in the year. He has several “readers,” but I still found a number of things the others missed.
Wednesday I’m off to my hometown, staying overnight and then helping my father plant flowers at family gravestones in the local cemetery. He’s been doing it all himself the last several years – not sure why it hasn’t occurred to me before this to help out.
Many congrats to ShawD!
Y’all have been so modest and understated about graduations. In a month, after having one or more kids in college for 6 years now, I will finally get to see a child of mine graduate…mind you, it’s not the eldest, but still, it’s a kid of mine. Trust me, it will not be possible for me to be modest or understated…so be warned.
MP, throw caution and modesty to the winds and brag away!
I need your opinion on something. Please do not feel that you need to take my side on this. I want to know what you bright, moral people would do.
My sister will soon be 60. Thrice divorced. Very executive function disordered, some ADD and depression mixed in. The type of person who isn’t on public assistance because she can’t get her act together enough to fill out the paperwork and doesn’t want to waste her time standing in line.
We were so proud of her when she went back to school in her 40s and got her BA…(but in Philosophy). Earned Master’s Degrees. Which, in this economy, qualifies her to be a college adjunct making poverty level wages. In past years of total unemployment, my retired parents paid all of her living expenses, which exceeded their own. She now adjuncts, but my mother, who is on a very fixed income, pays for her car insurance, car repairs, health insurance, cell phone and gives her cash upon request (which is often). Mom hates it but can’t/won’t cut her off.
My elderly mother is very worried about what will happen to my sister when she is gone. There will not be an inheritance.
Here is the issue: I have started to broach the subject of giving up on teaching college to my sister. I am pretty sure that the custodian, and certainly the receptionist, at her college make more than she does (and have benefits.) She is very hurt, which is understandable, because she did work hard to earn her degrees and is very intelligent and good at teaching. Is it callous of me to expect a 60 year old to give up on her dreams and get some job-any job-that pays enough to support herself? Without my mother’s assistance, she would be homeless (has large dogs that she will not give up, so couch surfing would be difficult.)
I do not want to be my sister’s keeper. Or will I eventually need to be? Will I send her into a tailspin of anxiety and depression if I press the issue? (This is coming up now because she will have no income all summer, so Mom will be paying her rent, etc.)
My mother would be SO relieved if my sister had a regular income that allowed her to support herself modestly. Yes, my parents, now my widowed mother, have been enablers. Is 60 too late in life to stop enabling a person financially? Too late to expect someone to be able to support herself who has never been able to?
Again, feel free to give me a moral lecture.
This is a very complicated subject. I don’t know that there is a moral imperative to support one’s sibling if they have made a lifetime of bad decisions; but one could argue there is.
Perhaps the way to broach it is to ask (as you probably already have), "What would happen to you this summer if Mom were not around to support you? What would you do? I suspect you will get magical thinking at first, but this is something you could press her on, rather than telling her she needs another job. Roger Fisher, a negotiation guru, used to say, “Let the problem team them.” Rather than telling her the answer, let her respond to it and figure it out. This of course presupposes that rational thought replaces magical thinking at some point.
When does your S qualify for Social Security? Will that be enough, in combination with the adjunct pay?
It is very hard to change ingrained patterns. Change will not likely come unless it is required.
I have a brother who has an unerring ability to make strange choices. Lovely human being. Executive function is an issue but terrible ability to read people so some people take advantage of him and he has a a strange moralistic code and brings up things in inopportune ways when he thinks people aren’t doing the right thing (mostly for his students and not for him). My mother and I am trying to coach him to not getting fired (in a very political environment) as a music teacher in a public school system that is rife with nepotism and politics and probably corruption. He probably has four more years to qualify for a full pension.
The next step would be to convince him to move to a low cost state (I failed at this years ago) where his pension and his SS might be sufficient to cover living costs. I also asked my mother to leave whatever his share is (not a ton but not $0) in a trust for him so that he doesn’t blow it on a not so terrific idea. She agrees that is a good idea but can’t bring herself to do it. She doesn’t want siblings to be the trustees, but I have introduced her to a local bank that will provide a trustee but she hasn’t followed up after an initial meeting.
At the end of the day, as the sibling who is the most financially successful, taking care of him will probably fall largely to me.
I am so sorry to hear this and agree that it sounds very complicated. If your sister enjoys being an adjunct, can she possibly pick up more classes to supplement her income? Could she live with your mother and at least get rid of her rent and help with your mom more to justify the money your mom is giving her? It is very sad to think of an 80+ year old woman having to sacrifice her own financial security for an adult child. If a doctor, social worker, etc. caught wind of some of this, it could be viewed as exploitation of an elderly person. Not saying that is what is happening but please be aware some people could ask questions about where mom’s money is going. It sounds like your mother is giving willingly, and hopefully your sister is not coercing your mother in any way to give her money. I would be very careful about giving your sister any hope that you are willing or able to continue the patterns she has in place with your mom. The sibling stuff is complicated and I wish you the best in sorting all of this out.
Missy, Hugs.
My advice is quite possibly the worst you will find since I kinda suck at being a sib 
(just ask em…they’ll tell ya!)
I have three financially unstable sibs who are dears but who chronically/historically seem to make the kind of choices I’ve not personally had the luxury to make because I have a self-ingrained stubborn streak around self-sufficiency. While I appear to “have” quite a bit more on the surface, frankly, I’m just better at dong a lot with a little and doing whatever It takes to “make the rain” and working into the wee hours to cover the nut when necessary.
So picture having THREE insolvent sibs and what your advice to yourself might be in that instance impossible, right, to take that on?
In your shoes, I would consider communicating something along the lines of:
I trust you have what it takes to create a life you love, sis. You need to know that when mom dies or needs to go into a home to find the happiness and care she deserves, I will not infantilize you by supporting you financially in any way in her place, nor will she be able to contribute. Please make whatever accommodations you need to ensure you will be financially self sufficient when that time comes. That might look like taking a summer job, changing careers, finding a place to share or otherwise adjusting your lifestyle accordingly. I m happy to support you emotionally during this time of transition. But its time to get your affairs in order.
Easy to say from afar, I know. Much harder up close. You’re not likely to win a popularity contest with these tactics. But sometimes you’d be surprised how helpful a dose of candor can be in terms of motivation. Folks have a capacity to triumph in the 11th hour and sometimes you can them along.
In other news, we swam last night in the warmth, and tonight with frost warning I’ve spent the night wrapping my annuals in burlap and moving what I could into the poolhouse.
Absolutely psycho weather!
I want it hot!
I agree with all of the sound posting above.
I would have kmc, shaw, and sevmom write some words for you to say to your mother regarding the future for you sib.
Such as what your finaces are and your own obligations in life. As to remind your mother that you will never be in a position to fill in the $$'s that she has and then …
Hugs.
And I was ready to ask what the menu for D’s graduation will be–or in her college town?
MP, when you say “she adjuncts” – how much does she teach? That is, is she essentially teaching a full time load for adjunct pay? Or does she just pick up a course now and then? Many adjuncts work other jobs and pick up an adjunct course or two because they love teaching and want to keep their finger in teaching, research, etc. But few, if any, really expect that they can make a living by adjuncting. I don’t know her situation: but is there a way she can supplement her adjunct pay without giving up teaching altogether?
I do think that your sister is unrealistic to expect that a sibling is willing to do what a parent has done by way of subsidizing her so that she can continue in her present situation. There are other names for “adjuncts,” including part time and, more recently, “contingent instructors.” All of these terms are self-descriptive: they suggest the job cannot provide a full time life style, as it were, and that includes salary and benefits. (The morality of institutions becoming increasingly dependent on contingent is implicated here, too.).
There is obviously simple solution, as the wise folks above have suggested. But there are any options that can be explored that make it something more like a win-win?
Having no sibs I probably don’t have good advice on this topic. Sometimes in life though we ALL have to do things that we don’t want to do (well I THINK we all do. 
). In my family we have a saying – suck it up buttercup. Maybe your sister needs to get another part time job to support herself. Life isn’t easy but sometimes you have to WORK to get what you want (and I don’t just mean at a job).
Grandson is cute at 4.5 months. Since both D and S settled local we see them a few times a month. Nice to see S and DIL settling into their new house and the baby growing. Lots going on but just minor things like helping D plant flowers (knowing what is a weed and not and teaching her! ).
I’m sorry mp.This is a indeed a complicated and difficult situation and I think you are smart to think about it now. That said, I agree with others that you need to speak candidly with your sister. It may take multiple talks. Hopefully somewhere along the way she will get the idea that she really needs to take more responsibility for herself. Perhaps if she hears this gently but repeatedly, she will decide that it is HER idea and will act upon it. Hopefully so.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
Hugs.
Ah, RM,it would be great to have a 4 1/2 month old around!!!
As for the grad weekend, the parents of one of the roommates are throwing a (catered) backyard party at the house they have rented for the weekend on Thursday night. On Friday, our family plus D’s BF will dine at Fronterra Grill. Sangria soaked grad day brunch at Cafe Ba Ba Reeba.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my self indulgent family post and even more for your great advice. My sister lives in a world where we all are supposed to pretend that she is making it on her own. For example, when I emailed that wouldn’t it be nice to have employer provided benefits, she replied that she is already insured through the Affordable Care Act. Yes, at my mother’s insistence and paid for by my mother, but with such a high deductible that she still can’t afford to go to a doctor.
The treatment of adjuncts at most colleges and universities is shameful if not immoral. My sister teaches at two different schools and still just gets maybe 3 classes a semester. If the class doesn’t make, of course, the adjunct is out of luck. At one, adjuncts with seniority can bump you, so if their class doesn’t make, or if they need to pick up an extra class, they can take yours.
40+ years of virtually no health care have left her in not the greatest shape. With a younger person/person in better health you would say pick up as many hours as you can at Walmart or something. But she doesn’t have the physical stamina to do that.
Talking to my sister about her real financial condition brings to mind the scene near the end of Streetcar Named Desire where Stanley confronts Blanche about the “Texas millionaire.” If I let her know that I know that it’s all an illusion, will she break down?
Ah well, time to put my work hat back on. Thank you for indulging me.