<p>Still not sure about the situation with my “sick” son. He called me yesterday afternoon (as I asked him to.) He said he felt a little better after sleeping. Earlier in the day he had had the “shivers” which was why he was looking for the thermometer. </p>
<p>I asked him a few questions (did he feel like he had a fever still, were there many cases of any type of flu on campus) and made what I thought were good suggestions (asking the RA about a thermometer, finding the Tylenol Cold/Flu I know we packed, getting anything he needed but didn’t have from the bookstore.) I was told I was “freaking out” (which I definitely wasn’t) and that he was fine and was going to “go now” (which means he wants off the phone.)</p>
<p>So, my theory: He feels crappy enough to be crabby with his mother; not crappy enough to really want my help at this point. Knowing him, I’m going to guess that means it’s probably not the flu or anything too serious. If he really felt sick, I think he’d be more receptive to my advice. </p>
<p>I sent him a quick e-mail after our conversation, telling him he sounded a little “crabby” and I made my Tylenol suggestion again, and told him to contact me if he needed me (with “hugs & kisses” thrown in just so he knows he’s still my baby even if he is 18 years old and 8 hours away!!!) I will definitely call or text him later today if I don’t hear from him. </p>
<p>China, ignatious and Dizzimom & others w/sick ones far away – hope they take care of themselves and feel better soon! Good idea about the Vit C & themometer, TheAnalyst.</p>
<p>lunitari–lol at the ‘generational translation’ - too funny. </p>
<p>Owlice – wow, 16 yo has a gf, good for him! My son spent some time on the laptop while home here, too. Any worries I had about making the ‘right’ conversation w/him, etc. – not so necessary. A bunch of his friends drove in from all over the east coast to visit him this weekend, in his first foray home from the deep south. So nice to see them and he’s been off & running most of the time…</p>
<p>Oh, dear. My D’s dad (my ex) heard about her plans for a fall break roadtrip to San Francisco with her friends, and he is concerned. He emailed me that he’s afraid she doesn’t know these people well enough after two months to “trust them that much”.</p>
<p>The kicker was this sentence: “Of course she is 18, but we do have a considerable amount of financial influence with her that I would prefer not to have to use.” </p>
<p>Translation: he thinks he should threaten not to pay her tuition if she doesn’t stay safely tucked in her dorm room!! Grrrrrrrrrr.</p>
<p>I wanted to call him up and give him a verbal kick in the backside, but instead I forced myself to send him a kindly note about understanding his fears, the need to let go and trust her, how she has to exert her independence to grow into the adult she’s meant to be, etc. All true, really. But I also wanted to smack him one.</p>
<p>lunitari–I am impressed with how you handled that one…not always easy to resist the temptation to, well you know. and its great your d has your support try out those wings you gave her</p>
<p>:( Just returned from weekend at D2’s university. As mentioned before it is beautiful campus, has wonderful housing options, she has secured a top spot on her team and is doing extremely well in her academics. But…she is exremely unhappy here due to the team dynamics and school culture. We had hoped things would improve but they are only getting worse. After staying here this weekend we finally “got” what she was talking about. It is definitely what we called a “suitcase” college back in the day. Very few people remained on campus for the weekend. The student Union is beautiful and new with a gorgeous coffee shop, student lounge with pool tables, plasma tvs , foosball and grille but it was practically empty for most of the weekend. They close down the main cafeteria food court on the weekends as no one is there. Just the grille that serves burgers ,subs, pizza and wings is open on the weekends. You can’t walk to any stores or places to eat as it is on the edge of a suburban neighborhood. You can catch a bus or drive a car in to town 10- 15 minutes up the highway. The dilemmma for her has been the party hard culture of the team. She does not drink and has not participated in the team parties some actually hosted by a team captain. That has created her problems. She won’t attend because of some bad things that have happened that I can’t share. There is a 48 hr non drinking rule before a game. One freshman was caught and punshed for violating the 48 hr rule but not for underage consumption. Players come to strength training and puke because they have hangovers. Because of her time constraints with practices, games, travel and classes she hasn’t had much opportunity to meet anyone else. She doesn’t cry or complain, just said this is not the place for her. We told her to start researching schools again, make a plan and we will look at different options. I am heartbroken for her. H and I definitely enjoy adult beverages…esp wine but our girls have decided that is not their thing. Last night the team had a big party. This am they had a practice and the strength coach could still smell the alcohol. He asked everyone on the team who was drinking last night to go to one side of the room. Everyone but two (more than half of the team is underage), D being one of them, crossed to the other side. She had a bio test this am so other girls knew that was one of the reasons she didn’t go. She is now really worried about the team practice this afternnoon with the real coaches. Will she punished with the rest of the team or punished because she wasn’t part of the team…what a dilemma! I told her just take the punishment and not complain. She knows in her heart. I am quite sure she will transfer after this year but who knows…sigh. :(</p>
<p>NM, I am really sorry to hear all of this and feel so badly for your daughter. Being part of a team is so tough- darned if you do and darned if you don’t. The campus situation doesn’t sound so great which is too bad- the best facilities aren’t worth much when there’s no one else around. I hope that she’s able to develop a plan for a better educational environment. So, so sorry!</p>
<p>Oh NMN… I am so so sorry. I know the commitment she has made to the team is huge and this also limits her ability to make friendships outside of it. Frankly, even if she didn’t play her sport, it seems she would find herself unhappy with so little to avail herself to on the weekends. Are there other schools who were interested in her playing last year that she might contact now? I might suggest now that she knows how the team culture can play a pivotable role in her happiness, that she look at that more closely this time around. Caveat: I do know of a kid who tried to transfer schools (playing DI) and when the coach found out he was contacting other coaches basically benched him (spring sport), so I don’t know how that might work for her. Also, because she lives with so many other players, you might need to help her in the research department so that it stays on the QT and her roommates don’t inadvertently find out and treat her as a deserter in some way.</p>
<p>I respect her decisions of the party culture and really, it’s just too bad that there aren’t tons of other things to do on the weekends. While I know S’s school has its share of partying (and he’s partake whether I approve or not), I also know there is so much other stuff going on for all kinds of kids and interests that I think everyone can find a good time. And too, hardly anyone leaves for the weekends.</p>
<p>He did go to a friends (with some other friends) house for fall break and I got a text yesterday saying he was writing a paper “in a house with the prettiest view of the colors I’ve ever seen.” When I asked him if he was being a good house guest he replied he had already helped with the dishes and stacked the fire wood. Sometimes what they don’t do at home without threats, they know to do all too well without being asked somewhere else.</p>
<p>Can you believe this freakish weather? Drove D15 to school today with 2+ inches of snow on the ground.</p>
<p>Modadunn…right now she is thinking of a school close to home. There are many schools around here who would take her but she’s not sure she wants to deal with the team dynamics at the moment so the sport may be out the window. She is smart enough to know that academics is more important to her. She can remain physically active in another area! Due to NCAA regulations she can’t contact other coaches until she gets a release from her coach and she won’t do that until the season ends. Her roomie is also talking transfer. D2 can fill out transfer applications and wait until she is accepted to do the athletic piece, which is what we want her to do.</p>
<p>Oh, NorthMinn, I’m so sorry your D has to go through this. If she transfers, does she lose a year of eligibility? I know academics come first for her, but it’s such a pity that this situation could take her away from a sport she’s dedicated so much time to.</p>
<p>NM–so sorry your daughter has to go through that! But, what an example of maturity and taking care of herself and keeping her long-range goals in view that she just didn’t fall into the party-hard culture, even though (it seems) there is little other social activity going on.</p>
<p>What a strong and mature young lady! I’d be proud of her, not all kids would have that wherewithal. Good luck as you start the search process again…</p>
<p>Just the thought of transfer process puts my head into a twist. I am still on recovery from the first round college stuff. Honestly, there are a million things that need doing and projects that lie in wait around here and I am doing nothing to get them done. I am really falling behind I think. The snow this morning is an all too frigid reminder that the holidays are approaching!!</p>
<p>As for starting from scratch on the college search, honestly, I think a kid is going to find drinking at just about every school. The important thing is to see that it has a lot of other stuff going on as well. And I guess when so much of your time has been dedicated to athletics… which surely applies here… how do you know what you’d be interested in with so much newly available time? </p>
<p>While the applying isn’t really an issue, will financial aid be? I don’t really know how that all works with timing except that they usually want this stuff pretty early, don’t they?</p>
<p>NorthMinnesota, how disappointing. I wonder - are all teams ‘encouraged’ (by not being penalized) to drink/party - will she find another school any better? Good luck.</p>
<p>NM, I’m so so sorry. I know I’m naive, but don’t you think that at least *some *of the athletes would be into health, taking care of themselves and not getting drunk? Those girls got on the team because they are in good shape - where are the health nuts in the group? Are all college teams really like that?</p>
<p>Went to the state fair today - the younger kids had the day off and Son is on fall break. He was really glad to be with us to eat all the great fair food and ride rides with his little sister. Son and Husband are still at the fair - I had to leave to bring D to cheer. (Wouldn’t you love to have a two hour cheer workout after walking around the fair for 8 hours?) We saw Oprah from a distance - she was taping her show at the fair today.</p>
<p>Thanks for the well wishes! missypie…you would think that the culture would be different! She has been around drinking…gosh…H and I certainly have cocktails around and she has been around our card clubs, book clubs and Bunco where we certainly indulge on a regular basis. There are some issues here that she didn’t feel secure and/or safe going and just not drinking. The girls actually are not upset with her and voted her the least “snarky” on the team…yeah…they really voted. We have told her transferring just because of the drinking is not a good idea. She is actually putting together a proposal for us of the pros and cons. Should be interesting.</p>
<p>missypie…you would think there would be some! But honestly…there were just 2 out of 28!!!</p>
<p>North Minn - It really breaks my heart to hear your Ds story. However, a caveat… my D was home this weekend catching up with her friends from HS. Everyone of them had a story either about themselves or a roommate involving excessive drinking in colleges from mid-Atlantic to New England. I truly think it is part of the freshman culture at nearly every school - small LAC, Ivy , big Uni. I don’t know what to say - everyone of these friends were the “good” kids in school. I don’t know if your D will be able to escape the culture - except of course to find the non-“suitcase” school with a more varied culture. It is so disheartening. I’m concerned about my D who will start her sport in a few weeks - it’s co-ed and I think the potential for problems is HUGE!</p>
<p>Woody…My D1 played the same sport at a DIII where the coach had both the men’s and women’s team. They traveled and played at the same schools. It was a wonderful experience. The coach made the young men be respectful of the young ladies and they acted like big brothers to them. They really protected them on campus! It was mandatorry to be “dry” during the season and he enforced that! After season he made a rule that none of the girls could leave a party unless one of the men made sure they got home safely. To this day D1 has a ton of close friends from the men’s team.</p>
<p>Bummer NMinn.
But you guys will figure it out.
I have great respect for your D that she wants to stick to her principles. My bet is that is just one of the things that is <em>not working</em> about the place. It’s OK. Not every seeming match is truly a match.
I think S is seduced by the party scene and wish he did not feel the need to <em>fit in</em>. Every kid is different I guess, and we all have to <em>be there</em> for them as best we can. Giving your D the open door to look for another place, I think, will be very important to her. Knowing she can leave may make it bearable for her to stay for now, and she may just find her <em>crowd</em> in time. Or not… and that’s OK too</p>
My son spent some time on the laptop while home here, too. Any worries I had about making the ‘right’ conversation w/him, etc. – not so necessary. A bunch of his friends drove in from all over the east coast to visit him this weekend, in his first foray home from the deep south. So nice to see them and he’s been off & running most of the time…</p>