<p>missypie, you may already be doing this, but here is one thought. If a) you have access to your son’s syllabi and emails and b) your son’s school is heavily reliant on emails for scheduling of things, you might consider setting up a Google Calendar for your son that texts him reminders. A weekly quiz could be in the calendar and then Google Calendar can send an SMS text to his phone to remind him to do the quiz. Similarly, you (or the peer mentor) could go over his emails with him and put events into the calendar. As I mentioned in an earlier post, our son likes to talk out how he is going to handle things (possibly quite different from your son). If you could draw him out on how he was going to handle the work, you (or the peer mentor) could input key events into Google Calendar and work blocks as you talk. </p>
<p>With regard to the Disabilities Office, it is typically critical to come up with a plan for what, if anything, you would like them to do. My experience is that with rare exceptions, the disabilities folks are typically nice people with surprisingly little expertise in the kind of problems your son has. They’ve read about it, dealt with kids who have it, but do not have much of an idea of what to do that might help. So, I take that on myself (and now ask my son to do so as well). I read and talk to experts (where they exist) and come in with what we think will work (with evidence, both research and past successes/failures of ShawbridgeSon). We have seen that work at HS and would have worked at some colleges but not all (as I recounted, some Ivies were not particularly accommodation-friendly and at least one disabilities services dean was extremely knowledgeable). But, I never rely on them to tell me what will work but figure out a plan for what we want that I think they can do (i.e., I tend not to ask for stuff that I don’t think they can deliver from a budgetary, manpower, or political standpoint). I might ask if they have any additional suggestions, but I have not found it helpful to have them define the plan. [I suspect I’m preaching to the choir here, but those are my two cents].</p>
<p>I haven’t read her job description. Perhaps she is doing what she is paid to do. I’m pretty sure that if Son said he wanted to sit in front row in every class, she would call or email each teacher and say he needed to sit in front and she’d make it happen. I think that once the person with disabilities (or his mother) comes up with a list of what he wants, her job is to try to make it happen with the prof. She’s just not coming up with any ideas or strategies of her own.</p>
<p>As I think back, all of the “progress” that Son has made in handling school has come with maturity. I feel like many of you would have felt had you sent your son away to college when he was 15. When he started middle school I felt like I was sending a 3rd grader to middle school. I think Shawbridge was very smart to encourage his son to take a gap year. But I just didn’t think anything productive would have been accomplished during the time - Son would have played video games and his dad would have yelled at him all day for playing video games.</p>
<p>Granted, I “only” have ADD, but when I was a freshman in college (and yes, part of my issue was too much social and not enough academic), I went into winter quarter with the plan that if there was a block of time during the day I would treat it as a class and go to the library and do the work for the two classes I had just had. Morning’s were terrible for me, but a lot of afternoons were wasted by doing absolutely zero. I could never study in my room and to this day, I have to have a clear work space. Son told me he had two places he studied in the library - one was a cubicle that was pretty well hidden where, when he really needed to work, he was hard to find and therefore, left alone. He also had another place where kids from one of his classes seemed to gather and that was helpful as a group (I think that was calc) and there was a room with a white board or something where they’d help one another. He also had a building that was open 24 hours closer to his dorm than the library was that he would find a nook or two. His room was pretty much the last place he could study. I am just thinking if he could look at open blocks of time as 1) an actual class of “study” and 2) thursdays at 1, I check with professor or peer tutor etc. </p>
<p>Here’s a question though… what are they doing about his lack of roommate since he was transferring? Did son ever say anything about that? Seems to me that someone not good at tracking their time might really lose track if in their room without a roommate who is on a schedule. My D being in a single was horrific.</p>
<p>The dean of students was invited to the meeting but declined to attend; said since the problems were academic, he didn’t need to be involved. (Guess he would have shown up if Son had gotten drunk every night.)</p>
<p>Argh… one is NOT independent from the other. And I am here to say that I absolutely believe that my daughter’s lack of a roommate led directly to her isolation and spiral into depression second semester. Do not buy into that Missy. Please.</p>
<p>Although as an afterthought I have to add that come Spring quarter I moved to a single but my issues were TOO much social and I needed the space and quiet to focus on what I needed to do. This will not and does not work for everyone and for someone who is NOT social, isolation can be debilitating.</p>
<p>Missypie- Sorry the meeting was not more productive. When my H and son looked at colleges they arranged meetings with each of the disabilities directors. The range of help was wide. Some went out of their way to make sure everything is taken care of from choosing the right courses, setting up tutoring times and making sure the student stayed on track. Others offered no special services beyond notifying the teachers. My son ended up at a school somewhere in the middle.
Disablities director is a nice young man who is willing to help but you need to tell him what you want. If my son does not contact him he isn’t going to go looking for him. We were required to provide a form filled out by my son’s psychiatrist at home. It asked for diagnosis and recommended accommodations plus asked what meds son was on.
Some questions asked- Describe medications and possible effect on academic functioning such as attending class, taking exams, studying etc and other side effects.
2. Functional Impact Assessment.
3. In your medical opinion, what functional limitations does this student encounter as a result of his disability? Please privide specific information about limitiations.
4 please list the type of accommodations necessary for this student in relation to his diagnosis</p>
<p>The Dr provided an attached sheet with the accommodations and modifications needed to support academic success
Listed by catagory-
Supplemental aids and services- in our case this included a note taker. preferential seating at request of student, HW assignments given in writing, weekly reports to educational tutor and parents
Instructional Modifications and Supports-
Assignments and Homework-
Grading Modifications- Grammar and spelling mistakes should not be considering in grading for in class assignments and exams
Testing modifications</p>
<p>I haven’t listed all the document which would be to long but wanted to give you an idea. The LD director at the beginning of each term will meet with my son and send emails to all the professors outlining the accommodations. It is son’s job to talk to the professors not expect them to just give him the accommodations. (this is a problem)
Meds- My son has the same problem with adderal xr. What he finally worked out with his Dr is that he gets 2 prescriptions. One for long acting and another for short. That way he uses the short at night when he needs to study or work on a project. Because it goes through your body quicker you don’t have the problem of not being able to fall asleep like you would if you took a 2nd long acting. I also try to get my son to take his schedule to his appt and discuss with the dr timing of meds for optimum success. It is not like HS when you would just take it with your breakfast.</p>
<p>^^that is great advice and I am going to encourage my D to do the same.</p>
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<p>I think that is what I was trying to say. This whole world of LDs, medication, and accommodations is so new to me because D’s diagnosis is so recent and I was looking to the Disabilities person to be the expert, to guide us. The psychologist who administered D’s neuro-psych evaluation and made the ADHD diagnosis offered to consult with the school’s disabilities person and I think that may be a next step for us- right now we’re still sorting out the medication issue.</p>
<p>when we finally get S’s assessments, they will include the psychologist’s recommendations for accommodations. This of course will have to go through the college’s own psych people who will either agree with ours or come up with their own, but in my conversation with Advising, they appeared to be eager to get the assessments so they could start helping S with a plan for academic success. When he meets with them on Tuesday (I was invited but cannot attend) I am sure he will get all the same stuff you got Missy, stuff he has heard and been unable to implement for years. So I will warn him not to expect too much in the way of guidance, but to stay alert for any offers of assistance through peer groups and to please write them down as they are mentioned so he seems like he is interested. sigh
Since we do not have his assessments in hand and it is now Friday and he leaves Sunday, he won’t have much to share. I told him to be prepared to speak about what troubles he had so they can try to address them (even if he already knows the cure)</p>
<p>It is a tricky thing - how to stay involved in order to help these kids with learning issues, especially when they themselves truly want to try to do it on their own. And then trying to balance just how much you can or even should be doing to help them stay focused or organized or whatever.</p>
<p>In the end, it seems to me that it is still up to us, the parents, to provide the structural support until the framework is sturdy enough under our son that it stands on its own. I think if we expect anyone else to do it, we will be disappointed. I still hold out the hope that after a few failures and reparations, S will be able to see the signs of a crumbling foundation and will have the tools to begin to repair it himself.</p>
<p>I do think, #TM, that a number of such kids will become more independent but will need to learn to find, use, hire help to support them. I married a cheery, socially skilled, supportive, can-do, hands-on woman (I wasn’t thinking of her as staff support, but just the same, she complements me in many ways). I always try to hire a hyper-organized, upbeat to the point of being cheer-leader-y (according to my wife), loyal, multi-tasker to be my assistant. I have had a number over the years. When I interview candidates, I tell them that I am really good at certain things and the world is willing to pay surprisingly high rates to get those things. However, I’m weak or bad at many other things. I need them to take those things I don’t do well or that someone else can do, business and personal, off my hands and take responsibility for them so I don’t have to think about them. The duties have come to include complex business travel plans, knowing the calendars of all family members, family travel plans, remembering flowers for my wife (she bought a magnificent 120 euro bouquet that was waiting in a Paris hotel room for my wife for our 25th anniversary trip, for example), reminding me to plan ahead for go to college purchases for son and thinking of putting more cash on college cash card, calling utilities and Comcast when there are questions, collating private HS applications, keeping all of my personal files, telling me it’s time for a haircut because you’ll be going to London next week and scheduling it, and on and on and on. I can do all of those things (some not well) and some really poorly (remembering flowers, keeping files). I am much more productive when I have a good person in this position. I am purchasing the help that I need given my strengths and deficits. My son may need to hire a coach until he gets to a similar point in life when he can hire who he needs to be productive. For the subset of kids like mine, yours, and missypie’s, maybe we need to train them to think about arraying the right support around them.</p>
<p>absolutely
But mine has not yet truly admitted he has a problem
Once he has admitted to himself that there are things he cannot do on his own (or at least not while he has more important things to do) that he will need to seek and use help.
I am hoping very much that his school’s advising will feel accessible and will be something he will use.
But I agree, this is where we can help the most</p>
<p>Shawbridge is a perfect example of what I was talking about! Helping him to plan ahead by saying you’re in London next week and you’re going to look like crap… your appt is at 1 tomorrow. I want an assistant! (and go to London next week, but that’s something else entirely!)</p>
<p>As it is… tell me how lame it is that I am composing a letter to son that outlines our expectations for the rest of the year so there is no confusion? We never had a real sit down with him while he was home about certain things and other things were clearly implied, but perhaps not emphasized. Anyway, I have found myself texting him with relatively stupid questions hoping to gain more insight into whether or not he is doing more of the same or is taking on some initiative in certain areas. As I am trying to explain to him, when I was texting him about logistics when he went back it was more about his location in the US and the how and when he was getting back to a little town on the east coast during a massive snow storm. And that really, what I need most after 18 1/2 years of knowing exactly where he was at all times (and for many of those years, the risk of real trouble if I didn’t) that just letting that go is awfully hard for a parent. So if I have a visual of where he could be or what he is doing, I worry less and it’s more likely I will forget about him, which is ultimately what he’d prefer. I feel like I just got used to first semester schedule and now it’s all up in the air again. I just want to look at the clock and say, Oh it’s 1pm. Right now he’s in class or whatever. I think this is a direct result of my older D not being where I ASSUMED she was but in fact, she wasn’t. Yep… I have trust issues. :-)</p>
<p>I told them I was available to conference via phone, but I did not hear them take me up on it.</p>
<p>I’ll mention it again.</p>
<p>Moda
I just had an argument with mine when I asked him to tell me his schedule. He says he doesn’t remember and he used the school’s scheduling tool so he did not select the times himself (many courses have several times and different professors teaching the same course) I was trying to make sure he did not get some certain profs who I have heard are not the best since he has to make up major ground this term. But he wants me to have nothing to do with it, so I guess he will have to make whatever it ends up being work for him.
I too like to have some sort of sense of what is happening in his day. It makes me feel not quite so cut off from his life.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is lame AT ALL. We did have a sit down with D while she was home - not about her organizational/ attention issues, but about the fact that while she was at home it felt like she was ignoring us. It’s not that she was out all the time (she has very few friends from HS) but she was in her room, on her computer or sleeping most of the day. Yet when she was awake she wanted a lot - rides (even to see friends an hour away) shopping, hair appointments, etc. I was feeling so conflicted - on one hand so happy to have her home, but resentful of her lack of consideration on the other. She had been completely oblivious to our feelings, but once pointed out, the turnaround was wonderful. That sit-down cleared the air tremendously and, I think, set our expectations for her future visits home.</p>
<p>Sorry to get sidetracked from the topic at hand - my point is that it is not lame in the least to be explicit with our kids. I don’t view it as a sign of not letting go, but as a sign of making their transition to adulthood more productive and pleasant for everyone concerned. Okay, stepping off soapbox now ;)</p>
<p>Moda - I used to do the same with S - wanting to know all the time. It was a big killer of our communication that (Freshman)year. You want to sit down and list off your expectations - what about his expectations of the relationship? Does he have any?
Once I realized that I was expecting too much, I backed off and tried to elicit and listen to his issues. It took a while for me to get there.
Going to class, working their best - whatever that is - , calling US once a week - those are our expectations fro D and S. Their being responsible for her/himself, taking advantage of opportunities, advocating for her/himself - well, frankly, that’s up to them.
I’m not talking about the kids who have had difficult semesters - I seem to remember ModaS doing rather well…3.something. I’m talking about strategies for communication and learning to recognize that they desperately need to be more independent.</p>
<p>I got S2’s course schedule last fall because he forgot to take it with him and needed me to send it to him. I put the schedule into an Excel spreadsheet in a nice little table to email and then just kept that spreadsheet on my computer desktop. I then told S that I wanted to update the spreadsheet for the spring and he complied with giving me the info. It is invaluable to be able to see when he is in class versus not in class and I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask for a copy of your student’s schedule. With that said, I don’t have the names of teachers and I have never had any schedule for S1, but wish I had. I hardly have a clue what classes S1 has even taken in four years of college. Even though he may have told me, I learn through my eyes not my ears. If it isn’t written down, I can’t remember it.</p>
<p>We entered into a pretty specific, written contract on expectations with S2 before he went to school last fall. (Again, didn’t do this with S1 who was always a more conscientious student.) However, I admit that I would be torn about enforcement if his grades dropped below the 3.0 GPA we want and think he is capable of getting. I did write the contract such that pulling him out of school would be at our option (as opposed to saying it would definitely happen). I don’t think that contract does a thing for his motivation, which really has to come from within at this point. It really just gives us downside protection on our financial investment in his education. </p>
<p>Speaking of which, our kids are responsible for paying a portion of their college expenses and S2 has been slow to wire transfer what he owes us for the fall semester into our account. I sent him a stern email this morning telling him that if the amount isn’t paid in full by the 13th, he will begin incurring interest and penalties (which were spelled out). He is out shooting some hoops right now. Did not mention the email to me but I assume he has seen it. He goes back to school tomorrow.</p>
<p>Moda, I actually like going to London and was almost there this week, but you might tire of it if you did it close to once a month for 10 or 15 years. I’ve had times (not for the last few years, fortunately) when the flight attendants in business and first class noticed that they haven’t seen me in a couple of months. That was when they were still serving caviar in first class, so it wasn’t so bad. Ah well.</p>
<p>Moda and PRJ, nothing lame there. I did have a very explicit discussion with my daughter about expectations when she asked to go to a very good private HS when we have a very good public HS in our town. Tuition is close to college tuition and we don’t get FA. These included not objecting if we asked what her work was, describing what she had to do, etc. Working with my wife’s cousin or others if we thought that would make a difference. And, generally, no lip or backtalk about schoolwork/responsibilities or refusing to do stuff like talk to teachers if we suggested it. So far, we’re at about 90% compliance. And, I have referred back to it in cases of in which lip or other non-compliance was rearing its ugly head.</p>
<h1>TM, you are right: The first and most important step is admitting that he has a problem. Anyone have advice on how one gets a kid to cross that bridge? We’ve never had that issue with either kid. Our daughter would have been prone to that but had both her brother’s example and her own medical problems that predisposed her to admitting a problem.</h1>
I feel like I just got used to first semester schedule and now it’s all up in the air again. I just want to look at the clock and say, Oh it’s 1pm. Right now he’s in class or whatever. I think this is a direct result of my older D not being where I ASSUMED she was but in fact, she wasn’t. Yep… I have trust issues. :-)</p>